When Cronabe last left his home village, he was a 16-year-old blue-haired mute accompanied by a fluffy pink gay dog. As you can imagine, his reappearance as a feline furry in scholarly robes and a dorky hat, accompanied by a dark green house elf and a disturbing harlequin is not met with celebration. For one thing, no one recognizes that the scary cat man is actually Cronabe, and certain people, like many people in both the worlds, have a strong dislike for demi-humans. I don’t know if I’ve ever covered my thoughts on demi-humans before, but I used to think that the demi-haters were a bunch of racist shitheads. I mean, yeah, the demi-humans are a bunch of whiny mofos, but we haven’t exactly seen them going around stealing human children for food or raping the bejeezus out of village women or anything like that. But then I thought more about the origin of demi-humans. What exactly is their deal, anyway? Were they created by some sort of magic? Are they just walking, talking animals that have always existed? Or are they the result of humans fucking animals? If that’s the case, I can see why people are weirded out by them. I mean, who wants to think about their brother boning a squirrel? Or whatever you’d have to bone to get that weird grasshopper-looking thing? Anyway, I’m just throwing some possibilities out there to explain the rampant hate, plus I couldn’t keep that horrifying possibility to myself. You’re welcome.

Do you see why I want to kill myself whenever I read this dialogue?

Other people seem more intrigued (hopefully not in that way) than horrified by the demi-human in their village. One old lady exposits that demi-humans generally stick to Guldove and the Zelbess. If I’m recalling correctly, the Zelbess is the Home World’s version of the S.S. Cockmaster, Fargay’s ship. But the S.S. Cockmaster this lady refers to is not the same S.S. Cockmaster where Cronabe had to fight fifty jillion skull spiders. Just so we’re clear.

Cronabe doesn’t bother to explain his true identity to the majority of the village, which is probably for the best. The few times he does try this, he is less than successful. Once such instance occurs when he, for some reason, talks to Una, Biotch’s younger sibling. In a past recap, I referred to this person as male. Other sources disagree with me. Honestly, I can’t tell. The character’s face is so mannish, even with the pigtails. Pigtails in a video game don’t mean anything in regards to gender, anyway. The misogynistic bullshit was what clued me into this person being a boy, but that’s not even a 100% indication. Let’s just refer to Una as ‘it.’ Anyway, it throws a hissy over Cronabe’s proclamation that he’s, well, Cronabe. Like it isn’t bad enough being dissed by this snotty little douchebag, Harle has to rub it in that no one believes Cronabe. You think?

Is it just me, or is this kind of racist?

Let’s move on from insulting statements of the obvious, if such a thing is possible. As you may recall, the first time we heard about Lynx was after arriving in the Other World. From Talking To Everyone here, it seems that there is also a Lynx in the Home World. It may even be the same Lynx — it’s not really clear. What is clear is that some of the village folk recognize Cronabe’s furry exterior as this Lynx. Judging by one person’s reaction, the Lynx they know is powerful and fearsome, and they’re terrified that he might fuck some shit up. I guess they didn’t see his lame teleportation trick, then. Another NPC in the local bar mentions that Lynx was General Viper’s “good friend.” Also in the local bar is the chef, Eedo. At least, I think it is. He’s a chef and he talks with the same “CHA” speech impediment. In the Other World, he works at Viper Manor, so why is he here in this podunk? I sure hope we find out via some more exposition about the state of the world!

Speaking of exposition, Cronabe finds out that Chief Radius is gone. No, he’s not dead. Just…gone somewhere. His alter ego collects boy toys, so it’s possible that Chief Radius has similar unsavory appetites. Then again, this could be one of those Total Opposite situations, in which case Chief Radius is out having sex with adult women. I hope we don’t find out either way. Cronabe continues his round of Talk To Everyone, and when he’s brushed off by both Gandy (who somehow magically returned to the village from the Oubliette of Shittiness) and his mom, he becomes crippled with depression. Or, you know, has no reaction whatsoever. While he tries desperately to figure out how to trigger the next “plot point,” Cronabe runs into another NPC who mentions that Radius often becomes mopey this time of year, possibly because of the Viper Festival. Okay, I already mentioned how I don’t want to know anything regarding Radius’s sexual proclivities, but this is the second time someone mentioned his special feelings for General Viper, and I can’t ignore this fact any longer. Thank you game, for making me picture icky old guys doing it.

‘I just can’t believe there’s a Japanese musical where Phoenix Wright gets with a woman!!’

Although I’m using a free walkthrough I downloaded from GameFAQs, I admit I have no fucking clue what to do next. I mean, uh, Cronabe is the dipshit here, not me. I consult yet another walkthrough, and it basically says, “Use the Astral Amulet at Opassa Beach, dumbass.” But I already fucking did that! Okay, fine. I steer the band of misfits back to the beautiful sunny beach with anger in my heart. After several more seconds of fiddling around with the damn amulet, I finally discover the exact pixel that Cronabe needs to stand on in order to trigger the cut scene. How is it that the game designers can make me feel so idiotic and so aggravated at the same time?

Unfortunately, the triggered cut scene is just more of Harle and Dobby jabbering at Cronabe. The one-sided conversation boils down to the fact that Cronabe can no longer open the dimensional vortex because the “missing piece” of the current world has been found, whatever the hell that means. I’m guessing that as long as Cronabe is in the fursuit, he can’t jump between worlds. Right after I typed that, my brain decided to be a jerk and try to figure out whether the universe sees Cronabe as Cronabe or if it sees him as Lynx, and if it sees him as Lynx, does the fact that he’s in his Home World mean that Lynx is also from the Home World, and if so, why was Lynx in the Other World and does that mean that there’s no Lynx in the Other World, or are there two Lynxes and we only ran into the Home World Lynx in the other world? This is why I hate my brain.

For some unknown reason, Dobby suggests discussing the problem with Cronabe’s mother (or “movver,” rather), despite the fact that they already talked to her and she didn’t recognize that her son was the scary cat guy. Just think how much less sense this would have made if I’d triggered this scene before they visited the village. In both cases, there’s no reason for Dobby to suggest this, but it just so happens that she’s right.

This second visit to Cronabe’s mom results in a whole new set of dialogue. She doesn’t brush off Cronabe’s assertion right away, but instead demands an explanation which she presumably gets during the following Black Screen. At least one of the characters must have explained things in a satisfactory manner, since a melancholy guitar version of the opening theme starts playing. “I see… So that man told you to go to the Sea of Eden,” Marge (Cronabe’s mom, in case I haven’t mentioned her real name) repeats. This is where I look back through my previous recaps to find out who told Cronabe this and when. Ah, it was at the end of the last recap, while Lynx (in Cronabe’s body) invited Cronabe (in Lynx’s body) to the Sea of Eden to resolve his remaining questions or whatever. It’s awesome how much I pay attention to the dialogue in this game.

Marge accepts all the dimensional vortex whatnot fairly easily, then cuts to the heart of the matter: “It may have all started 14 years ago… On the night of the storm.” It would be awesome and funny if it didn’t start then, but that’s obviously not the case. Accompanied by a MIDI cello, Marge continues her tragic story. Cronabe’s dad, Wazuki, and his presumably “special friend” Miguel sailed out to sea during the storm. On the screen, we see a dinky boat sprite on the world map. Marge explains this bit of stupidity away, saying that an unspecified emergency required their immediate departure. I suppose if these two fellows were desperate for a bit of man-lovin’ from each other, that could be considered an emergency in some circles.

But oh no! Naturally, the boat capsized, and when the two men regained consciousness they were “inside the Dead Sea.” I’m not sure how one can be inside a sea, but I’m sure we’ll have the privilege of finding out at some point when Cronabe inevitably visits the place. Marge describes the Dead Sea as “[a] place where no living creature dares enter.” Cronabe’s dad was permanently traumatized by the whole ordeal. Most likely because his butt buddy Miguel — coincidentally, Biotch’s dad — died or something. Marge just says that Miguel “never returned” which could just as easily mean he set up his own gay resort away from his horrible family. Just as I’m starting to wonder what this has to do with the Sea of Eden, Marge explains that the Dead Sea is the new name for the Sea of Eden. I don’t even care why the name was changed or who changed it — I’m just glad I only have one eventual destination instead of two.

Now that the story is over, that’s the cue for Radius to enter the tropical shack. He didn’t even knock — how rude! “No…this can’t be… Are you Lynx!? You’re still alive…!?” he freaks. But Radius isn’t interested in providing us any exposition regarding why this world’s Lynx was thought to be dead or what exactly he did. No, Radius is all about opening up a big old can of whoopass — emphasis on “old.” His desire to beat “Lynx” to a bloody pulp has something to do with Radius’s former status as an Acacia Dragoon. Cronabe has no choice but to fight his village chief. I’m sure this will be the battle of the century.

I bet he charges a lot of money for that.

The epic fight takes place outside, much to the relief of Marge, I’m sure. Although it counts as a boss battle, it proceeds like any garden variety non-boss battle. Afterward, the party is magically teleported back inside Cronabe’s house, where they continue to face each other exactly as they did before the battle. At least I gained a level out of the whole deal. The return of the sad guitar and cello theme indicates that the tension has now dissipated. Crisis averted! “Hmmm…!? I do not sense any malice in your attacks…” Radius pulls out of his ass. Of course, I can believe him, since malice would imply that these characters were able to feel any emotion whatsoever. Basically this is another incidence of “I can see in your eyes that you are pure/heroic/actually someone else inside a fursuit” and Radius somehow deduces, with no dialogue or even a strategic Black Screen, that General Viper is “still active” in the Other World. If any of you had any doubts about Radius’s feelings for the unsexy general, well, this should be proof enough even for you. No one points out that the Other!General Viper was last seen disappearing into thin air after a brutal stabbing by Lynx, but whatever.

“Here, the general has been missing for the past 3 years now…” Radius sobs. But he recovers his composure and decides to join this bunch of douchebags. His reasoning? “We may still have a chance to save the general and Riddel in the other world.” You keep telling yourself that, Radius. But whatever, he can’t be a worse fighter than the two ladies. Welcome aboard, Non-Pedo!Radius!

As opposed to Harle, who is such an asset to the party.

I’m probably wrong, but I’m under the impression that I can’t switch out Harle, so I switch out Dobby instead. I imagine that some rabid Chrono Cross fan out there is snickering over this decision because of Dobby’s total awesomeness or something, but I’m going to remain willfully ignorant of any of that. Plus, Radius doesn’t have an irritating accent, so there. Now that Dobby has disappeared into the Oubliette of Shittiness, Radius is all gung-ho about investigating Termina for clues to General Viper’s disappearance. So all that stuff about saving the Other World General Viper was just talk? It’s like Radius is so desperate for Viper-loving in any form, he can’t keep his own story straight. Uh, so to speak. As an afterthought, Radius adds that they might find a minute or two to work on returning to the Other World, but only if they have time. It’s not like it’s important or anything.

At this point, Cronabe doesn’t really give a shit, since he’s had all sorts of information thrown at him about the Sea of Eden and the Other World, he doesn’t really know what the hell he’s supposed to be doing now. Therefore, he’s just as happy to let this codger decide the next course of action. After bidding farewell to Cronabe’s mom — who no longer doubts that the demi-human in the silly outfit is her son — the trio heads off to Termina.

You might recall that Cronabe never explored much of his Home World, beyond Arni Village and the Water Dragon Isle. He’s definitely never ventured north to Termina, a journey that takes him through Fossil Valley. In the Other World, Fossil Valley was a horrible place, haunted by the demonic presence of Skelly the clown skull. Other disturbing individuals hanging about the place included Solt, Peppor, and a giant pissed-off bird. Let’s find out if this Fossil Valley is as nightmarish.