…Or sending them to a strange dreamscape. Potato, potahto. Turns out that the poor ickle faeries used to live here in the “Land of Dreams” until some unidentified “meanies” showed up and forced them out. My heart bleeds. Anyway, we’re in a lush forested area with a random signpost nearby. Everyone looks around vacantly before one of the offscreen faeries chirps “Thanks for coming!” Okay, now I really don’t want to know how long they were out for, and what went on in the meantime. As the faeries appear once again and float towards the group, possibly with more blunt objects hidden behind their backs, a sudden roar shakes the screen with the force of an earthquake. To be more accurate, the roar was actually the bellowing snore of one of the sleeping monsters. I have no idea why these monsters–referred to as “nightmares”–are sleeping in the middle of the day, but my personal theory is that they were playing this game before the party dropped in.
“All right, Dragon Boy!” another of the faeries declares, “We’ll give you a Faerie Drop if you promise to get rid of them for us!” Why does it sound like she’s promising Ruley some kind of sexual act? And, while I’m questioning stuff, where the hell did the nightmares come from? From what we’ve been told up to now, only the faeries have the power to bring people into their world, so how did the nightmare monsters get in? And once the faeries had been forced out, did they plan to spend the rest of their days playing tricks on people travelling through the forest, as opposed to coming up with a plan to drive the interlopers from their home? Come to think of it, why did they think ANYONE would want to help them after being made a victim of their pranks? Oh, right, the fabled Faerie Drop. Well, Ruley still hasn’t forgiven these bitches for dangling happiness in front of him and then cruelly snatching it away by restoring Sandy to her normal size, but he really wants that Faerie Drop. It had better be worth it.
Ew.
Onward with this Matryoshka doll of fetch quests. As I soon realize, the nightmares are invisible to the naked eye, so Ruley must listen out for their snoring to find them. The process is pretty much the same for each nightmare–once it’s been found, it delivers a lame threat before being pounded into the dust just like a random battle monster. To make things even easier, they’re all undead, which means curative magic harms them. For instance, just one of Sandy’s Rejuvenate spells deals a whopping 1,044 damage–more than Ruley’s and Scias’s attacks combined. Holy shit, this means Sandy is useful in battle for the first time ever. Is someone recording this? Oh, right, I am.
Moving on. After all five nightmares have been killed, something crashes down into the middle of the clearing. I’m not sure I can adequately describe it, but bear with me here. The boss (act surprised) takes the form of a large, flesh-toned, egg-shaped object with painted-on eyes and a bulging, floppy nose that reminds me far too much of this. As it bounces on the spot, making freaky BOING noises, I reach the uneasy conclusion that it looks like a cross between a foam stress reliever and some kind of sex toy. This is the real nightmare around here. “I see you have taken the trouble of defeating my little helpers,” it remarks politely. “I would like to show you my appreciation by defeating you.” This is a boss whose mother clearly raised it right. Well, polite and courteous it may be, but Ruley still has to take out this giant buttplug. …I’ll rephrase that. Ruley still has to destroy this thing, so the fight is on.
On the battle screen, the giant buttplug is identified as “Fantam”. I’m going to assume this is a play on the word “phantom”, and not the name of its model. For some reason, it grows smaller as it takes damage, but I’m not even going to try sticking my head down that particular rabbit hole. Because it apparently wasn’t disturbing enough already, its main attack is called “Nose Dive”, but luckily for my fragile sanity, the attack is much less horrific than it sounds. After a few minutes of being pounded on by TikTok, Scias and Sandy, Fantam shoots into the air, its main body appearing to deflate and shrivel up into the nose, and then the nose flops back down to the ground. It’s only now, with the nose flapping around pathetically like some kind of overgrown slug, that I notice the sphincter-like orifice on its underside. I don’t even know what to say to that. Let us never speak of this abomination again.
Given the size of that thing, I hope someone brought the lube.
Even though Fantam, with all its confusing mixed messages, has been sent to the big adult store in the sky, I’m not out of the woods yet–the game designers are clearly on a roll, and now can’t seem to stop with the disturbing shit. As a new, saccharine background theme kicks in, indicating that all the monsters are gone, Orange Faerie flutters onto the screen and remembers that she “promised [Ruley] something” in exchange for getting rid of them. She hovers over to a nearby bush, and then–I can hardly believe I’m typing this–makes some gross straining noises, before flying back to the group and handing Ruley a freshly-laid Faerie Drop, sighing “Whew! That was a big one!” For those of you who somehow haven’t picked up on the subtleties of the scene, or are just in denial that the game designers would stoop this low, I’m going to spell it out for you–we’ve just witnessed a faerie taking a shit. I’m not even kidding.
Before I continue, I need to raise some questions, not that I really want to dwell on this unholy scene any longer than I absolutely have to. First of all, now that we’ve found out–in much more detail than was necessary–where Faerie Drops come from, why couldn’t the faerie have just taken a dump in the Wychwood? Is she one of those people who can only “go” in their own home? And, if that’s the case, does this mean that none of the faeries had been to the bathroom at all since the nightmares took over their realm? That had to be pretty uncomfortable for them. Wait, why am I even thinking about any of this shit!?
With the hot, steaming faerie turd in his hand, Ruley is more than ready to leave this place and its shameless inhabitants far behind, but Sandy wants to take a closer look at the fruits of their labour. “Look at all the colours!” she gasps, breathing in the heady aroma of fecal matter. “It’s so beautiful…” Hearing this, the faerie blushes and snaps “Hey! Don’t stare at it like that…it’s embarrassing.” And taking a shit in front of other people isn’t!?
Mercifully, that’s the end of the scene. After the faeries ask Ruley to come back and play with them again sometime (not if I have any say in the matter) Sandy happily says they can now go back to Scotty and have him forge a copy of the King’s Sword. You know, between the faerie defecation and sex toy boss battles, I’d almost forgotten Tarhn’s half-assed plan, but now it’s struck me that the group is going to attempt to save Clay from his predicament with a sword made out of shit. How strangely appropriate. Also, I hope some part of the forging process is going to neutralize the smell, or it’ll be a dead giveaway.
Back at the volcano bungalow, Scotty and his phallic nose gush all over the Faerie Drop as the others look on awkwardly. What is the appropriate reaction when someone you barely know reveals their coprophilia to the world? “Just look at that colour! That shine! This is one of the most beautiful Faerie Drops I’ve ever seen!” he moans. For shits and giggles, I put that through a Scottish dialect translator, and it came out as “Jist swatch at ‘at coloor! ‘at shine! Thes is a body ay th’ most bonnie Faerie Draps I’ve ever seen!” Being roughly 300 miles south of Scotland, I have no idea how accurate that translation is, but at least this little distraction has stopped me from sticking a pen in my eye.
Scotty informs the group that the counterfeit King’s Sword will be ready “in a jiffy”, and he’s true to his word, at least if one takes “jiffy” as Scots slang for “black screen”. Gingerly taking hold of the shitsword with a gloved hand, Ruley bids farewell to Scotty and leaves him to his secret stash of scatological wank-mags. Naturally, the volcano bungalow joins Worent, Tarhn’s Camp, Wychwood and the Land of Dreams and Incredibly Open Toilet Habits on Ruley’s ever-expanding “To-Burn” list. At this rate, he’s going to nuke the entire fucking planet.
Back in Ludia, which I’ve somehow neglected to rename “Lube-Ya” until now, Sandy pushes herself to the front of the group and tries to gain entry to the castle. Predictably, this isn’t as easy as she’d planned. A guard wearing a porno ‘stache and what looks like a metal bowl for a helmet tells her that the castle is in lockdown for Clay’s trial, so she tries to pull the “I have vital information!” card. That doesn’t fly, so she mentions the King’s Sword, only for Prince Cowlick to make an appearance, all “Uh, the King’s Sword is right here.” What the fuck? The camera pans across to show Prince Cowlick standing on a podium along with a lackey who’s carrying a sword on a velvet cushion. “It was just returned to us by the Empire,” Prince Cowlick claims, in what I imagine to be his best Disney Villain voice, as the party’s eyes pop out of their heads. Flourishing his cape in a dastardly fashion, he goes on that the Empire made “several difficult demands” in exchange for the sword’s return. Of course, the implication is that one of these alleged demands was Clay’s execution. Obviously this is all bullshit, given that the remains of the original King’s Sword are in Ruley’s possession, but nobody knows how to react. I would have derided Ruley for not producing the evidence of Prince Cowlick’s shenanigans, but that probably would have made things even worse, and the party I’ve been put through too much already in this recap.
You know, I’ve never been much of a Royalist, but right now I’m Prince Cowlick’s biggest fan.
Prince Cowlick leaves, vowing that Clay’s punishment will be severe, and the group traipse out dejectedly, leaving Scias behind with Grandpa Tonberry, aka Ilgor–the creepy, hunched-over dude with the lizard tail. “Scias, can’t you keep an eye on them?” he wheezes, his black, soulless eyes boring through the screen. “You let them go off and make a fake sword like that…” Scias simply replies that he was given instructions to watch the group, not stop them. Hold on a minute. I was under the impression that Scias had been reporting back to his employers, but this dialogue seems to suggest he did nothing to inform anyone in Lube-Ya of the group’s activities. In that case, how the hell did Grandpa Tonberry, Prince Cowlick or whoever even know about the fake sword? Nobody in the party even got the chance to bring it up before the Prince made his entrance, but he clearly knew about it in advance, given that he was already in position for the big reveal of the “real” sword. So if Scias isn’t the source of the information, who is?
I’m just going to chalk that up to “A wizard did it” and move on. Seething, Grandpa Tonberry demands that Scias let him know the next time the party plans anything. Frankly, I don’t care if he winds up getting them all submerged in boiling oil; he’s still the most tolerable character in the party by far. In fact, I’d buy this game all over again if he were the sole playable character. Then again, since he’s a dog, it would have to be renamed “Breath of Fish IV” or something.
…I need to stop going off on these tangents. Outside the castle, Ruley and Sandy trudge down the path in slooooow motion (even compared to their normal walking speed, which is saying something). Maybe it’s finally sunk in to their miniscule brains that Tarhn’s master plan was a complete failure, just like I knew it would be. At this point, I’d like to go on a rant about how the whole fake sword/Faerie Drop quest was a complete waste of my time, but…well, now that I think about it, it’s not all that different from the rest of the game in that regard.
‘Look, just give me the strongest stuff you’ve got. I can’t cope with this shit anymore.’
Between their two brain cells, Ruley and Sandy work out that Prince Cowlick can’t be trusted to give Clay a fair trial, so their only option is breaking him out of jail. Or, you know, leaving him to his fate. Aren’t they supposed to be looking for Elina right about now? Just saying. Before night falls and they set out for the castle, we’re treated to a brief catch-up scene with Hamlet–aka Ruley’s other half–who wakes in a stranger’s bed, stripped to the waist. He’s making quite a habit of this. In a twist that should strike horror into the hearts of yaoi fans across the globe, Hamlet’s latest one-nighter is an icky woman, from which we can assume his self-destructive sexual behaviour is getting way out of control. Then again, the guy’s been asleep for six hundred years, so I can forgive him wanting to try something new. The woman–a peasant girl wearing a headscarf and what appears to be a bell for an earring–notices he’s awake, and gasps “I wouldn’t be movin’ too much if’n I was you…” If’n…? What the hell kind of accent is that? Maybe she’s still drunk. “I d’no’ thin’ I’ve ever seen a person as bad off as you,” she continues, as Hamlet looks for the nearest escape route–doing the walk of shame is infinitely more desirable than staying here. In response to the girl’s near-incoherent babbling, he simply covers his face with his forearm and shakes his head, clearly wondering how much he had to drink last night in order to think this was a good idea. If this chick turns out to be a major character, with all the lovely boxes of dialogue that entails, I’m going to kill myself.