Breath of Fire IV
Part 1
"Here be Non-dragons!"
We step into the boots of Ryu (aka Ruley), a blue-haired urchin who has mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. We are joined by the Dull Duo, aka Nina (Sandy) and Cray (Personality = 0) as Ruley and Sandy try to find some spare parts. If I was being unkind, I’d say that we already have three of them, but I?m not that cruel (pretty damn close, though). We also encounter several Non-Dragons (dragons-that-don’t-look-like-dragons). What fun this is going to be.
Part 2
"Teh L0ngezt feTch Quest EVAR!!!1111"
Last time, we became acquainted with our hero, and also met Sandy. But the less said about her the better. Now, we spend an hour looking for Sandflier parts in and around a village populated by half-animal, half-human retards. We’ll also play several inane mini ‘games’ and take a trip to Sandflier Valley. Riveting stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree. Oh, and we’ll also be forced to flee from said village. No RPG is complete without a good ol’ chase, is it?
Part 3
"Only the walking trashcan can protect you from the Hex!"
Last time, we finally found some Sandflier parts, only to be forced to flee Sarai by Triple H and his gigantic nose. This time, we enlist the help of a schizophrenic tin can in order to traverse a hexed town and find Clay. Yes, this hour of the game is as crack-fuelled as it sounds. Oh, and let me just say this: after this hour of game time, I never, never ever want to see another NPC ever again.
Part 4
"Crikey! That’s a whole lotta filler, Sheila!"
Nothing of great importance to the (lack of) plot happens in this installment, in which we will come across two filler “dungeons”, a filler village, and some more filler story, which goes very nicely with what we have accumulated in the previous recaps. However, I’m sure you’ll be pleased to know that Sandy is still as annoying as ever, and the BoF world is still whacked, as illustrated by the NPCs we’ll meet in this recap, who like to hurt passing heroes with traps. Nice people. By far the scariest thing we’ll encounter here, though, is an Australian parrot who talks like Steve Irwin. Now, if that hasn’t scared you off, come on in and join the party!
Part 5
"In which Hamlet shacks up with a Hogwarts teacher, Sandy is molested by a fish, and I hate dog-faced kids."
Filler, frustration and fuckwits abound in this recap, where Ruley and friends visit a city filled with orphaned urchins. Finding Sandy’s sister is high on the agenda, as are Minitortures, a creepy fish merchant and this game’s mandatory recurring-goofy-comic-relief-bad-guy. Alas, the twelve months since the last recap have done little to curb my hatred of Sandy and extreme annoyance at all the pointless shit, and so my undiluted pain continues to seep into every line I write. Read it and hear me weep.
Part 6
"Contrivance, cursing, and completely nonsensical bullshit."
One Friday afternoon in mid-2000, the BoFIV development team had a meeting. There were only two items on the agenda — how to pad out the game, and how to best drive me insane. Unfortunately for me, they succeeded on both counts, hence this hour of madness which contains, in no particular order: Sandy being abducted by a bird, a wild goose chase to enemy country, a huge phallic cannon, and more plotholes than I can keep track of. And don’t get me STARTED on the poisonous flies.
Part 7
"*sniff* ‘Uh, what did you say this sword was made from again?’"
In this recap, I tackle the portion of the game that’s been keeping me awake at night. Unfortunately, it’s probably the least painful part of the recap, which also involves faerie crap, an unholy sex toy boss, the least thrilling prison break ever depicted in fiction, and nonsense in abundance. Oh, and we also get to meet Clay’s mother, an experience just as awesome as it sounds.