Last time, we met a few of the retards comprising our party and went on a quest to find some sandflier parts. Unfortunately, that quest has no signs of ending, as the whole of this recap is taken up by the longest fetch quest in living memory. Oh, and keep in mind that a certain joke in this recap contains FFVII spoilers. You have been warned. Please note that this product also contains nuts and may cause burns when hot.
After Hamlet takes a trip downriver, we switch back to Ruley and Sugar-Sweet Sandy, who by now have climbed back up the mountain. Back on the World Map, there is a sight that is greeted with disbelief: we’ve finally reached Sarai. Excuse me while I pour myself a nice cup of strong coffee to numb the shock.
Upon entering the town, Happy-Little-Village music plays and Sandy, once again stating the obvious, says “Well, Ruley…this is Sarai.” No shit, Sherlock. Apparently only just realising that we have entered the town, Ruley looks around. Unfortunately, due to the isometric style of the game, it just looks like he spins 360 degrees on his heel, which makes him look retarded, like one of those twirling figurines on top of cheap music boxes. Hell, I’d probably turn retarded too, if I had to travel with Sandy.
Sandy asks Ruley if anything looks familiar. Ruley shakes his head and Sandy does that anime sweatdrop thing. Clearly trying to ditch Ruley, Sandy says, polite as ever, “I need to buy some things and get back to where my friend is, you know…” Unfortunately for her, Ruley fails to take the hint and just stands there. Take that, bitch. Now Sandy rephrases it in the bluntest way she can: “Will you be alright by yourself, Ruley?”
What’s this? A choice?! I never new such a thing existed in this game! And there are THREE CHOICES! Woohoo, I’m spoiled for choice (literally) here. Out of ‘Sure!’ ‘I think so’ and ‘I don’t know’ I pick ‘Sure!’ because I want to show Sandy that I don’t need her. I think the outcome is the same whatever you choose, but my ego feels better now.
Sandy smiles “Well, I guess that means we go our separate ways from here, then…” You can tell that she can’t wait to get rid of Ruley. Her avatar even changes to make her look overjoyed. Don’t make it too obvious, Ms. Tactful. Before she disappears offscreen, Sandy spouts the most ridiculous parting line I’ve ever heard: “I hope you get your memory back soon!” I’ve heard of “Get well soon” “See you later” and a simple “Bye”, but never “I hope you get your memory back soon”. I mean, memory loss isn’t exactly an offhand subject, is it? But then again, look at the airhead we’re talking about. Sandy makes the average valley girl look like a Harvard graduate. I half expect her to whip out a phone and start squealing “Yeah, like, totally!” into it.
Sandy walks off down a side-alley (she probably spends most of her time in alleyways), and I can now explore the town. Oh, did I mention the isometric graphical style? This makes the graphics look nice and refreshing — unfortunately, it also makes it hellish to try and see where you’re going. Especially in a town like this, with its plethora of narrow alleys and passages. I spend ten minutes rotating the camera just to see in which direction I’m headed. First I decide to speak with the townspeople. Eventually I spot a small kid and a bored puppeteer who doubles as a ventriloquist. I could be cruel and say that she also works as the dummy, but I won’t. The ventriloquist gives me lots of useless basic game tips, which even the average GameFaqs message board cretin could figure out without picking up the instructions manual. Meanwhile, I come to the conclusion that Capcom think we’re all ten-year old teenypop fans.
The kid next to the ventriloquist excitedly cries “I’ve seen this before! It’s called vini…vetren…venoq…throwing your voice!” Really? I think you’re irra…irett…iria…an annoying little bastard – just like all the other random NPCs who, despite having nothing of importance to say, dedicate their miserable lives to wasting my time with five boxes of text which scrolls at about 5 characters per minute. Grrrr.
A little further along I spot a weird bird, like the one the merchant was riding in the last recap. When I ‘talk’ to it, I notice that its facepic shows that its beak is about twice the size of its head. Next to Big Beak is a creepy-looking monkey man (no, that isn’t a misprint) who asks if I need anything: “Need a hand? Want me to help? Hm?” His dialogue alone is enough to make me wonder if he’s going to drag Ruley down one of those alleys, so I hurry away from him and his deformed bird.
I really hope she’s just talking about his wares.
I try to find the Inn, but I get lost and find a man wearing a sombrero behind a building. He says “You came over the cliffs from the desert? How did you manage to do that without falling off the cliffs?” I grit my teeth and decide not to tell him about the result of Sandy’s stupidity in the last recap. Near the sombrero man I spot the weapons dealer, who looks…well, like a bloated fish. Seriously. I speak to him but his weapons are ridiculously overpriced, meaning that I have to go back onto the World Map and fight random battles for a few hours. Okay, back now. I spot a snot-nosed frog kid (aren’t there any humans in this place?! Or are they all inbred?) who asks me who I am. Um, excuse me, toad, I should be asking you a question: what the fuck are you?
Five-star? I think the stars run into the negatives in this place.
I finally stumble across the inn (the only building in town with a sign), but after checking out the accommodation I go straight out again. Quite frankly, I’d rather camp on the World Map and share a bed with Sandy then pay to stay in this shithole. The proprietor should be paying me. I exit the inn and enter the house directly opposite, where a random NPC woman mentions a cease-fire. A cease-fire?! Nobody even told me there was a fucking war going on. Maybe this information will become Really Important later, but for now I raid the woman’s house for goodies (finding nothing) then try once more to find the next place of Plot Advancement. I enter a shabby-looking building to discover that it’s the tavern. It’s laid out in a really strange and annoying way – there’s a wooden walkway bordering the perimeter of the room, and I have to descend some stairs to enter the main area of the building. This is made almost impossible by the dodgy camera angles. When I finally manage to get down the stairs, a lizardman offers to sell me a treasure for the bargain price of 158 zenny. I can just about afford this, so I duly hand over the cash, in return for the Lead Ball. Wow. Under any other circumstance, I’d demand my money back after seeing the absolutely crap-tastic treasure, but the strategy guide tells me that it will become useful later. I hope so.