Learn? You obviously haven’t seen Ruley with eight Slippery Nipples down him.

“OK! First, I want you to learn how to be Wild!” Una declares, clarifying that this means her student’s attacks won’t hit as much, but they’ll be more powerful. I immediately rule out TikTok from the selection process, since her attacks seem to miss roughly 50% of the time already. In fact, I probably should have declined Una’s teachings altogether, because this game is already irritating enough for me to recap without the added annoyance of missed attacks, but against my better judgement I decide to apprentice Scias to Una. Let’s wait and see if this will come back to bite my behind in the near future.

Una tells the group to come back once they’ve managed to deal 1,500 with a combo attack. Yeah, that won’t be happening for a while, so I hope Kahn left some housework to keep her occupied. Back outside, Ruley randomly decides to talk to the whelk wrangler, who just so happens to be the one person in this God-forsaken place who can help them out. “Headed to the Golden Plains, are you?” he asks, pity etched on his face. There’s a “comic relief” scene where he offers them a horse, but it turns out none of the group knows how to ride. Luckily, the nearby whelk takes a shine to Ruley (I don’t want to know) so the wrangler agrees that they can take it. Even though whelks are supposedly even harder to control than horses. Hey, I guess it made sense to the game designers, and that’s all that really matters, right?

As the group departs, the wrangler tells them that Tarhn‘s camp is to the northeast. Hey, even the wise and all-knowing Elders didn’t know that. Maybe the wrangler (who I’m now going to call Schtolteheim Reinbach because I feel bad about him not having a name of his own) deserves a seat in their manse. Then again, maybe not, because Ruley plans to return and burn it down in the near future.

Or her bong.

I guess I should just bite the bullet and continue, but before that, allow me to give you a little backstory which should explain my grave misgivings over venturing into the Golden Plains. See, once upon a time, a group of particularly sadistic game designers put their devious heads together to devise one of the most torturous set-pieces in videogame history. Their delightful creation was the appropriately-named “Desert of Death”, and many a gamer fell victim to its infuriating features, which included, in no particular order: maintaining water rations to avoid dehydration, using the stars in the night sky as a map, and being turned around and disoriented after every random battle. Oh, and did I mention that the “helpful” directions given by the game designers were actually wrong? Alone, any of these features would have been annoying, but bearable. Together, they combined to create an experience that made many people give up on the game in question altogether. That’s all I’m really willing to say about it for now, but rest assured that if Ryan or I ever make it that far in the recaps, you’ll hear a lot more about it. As well as my screams, should I draw the short straw and be forced to recap it.

“But Ben, how does any of that relate to the sequel?” I hear you ask. Well, maybe you didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you anyway. You see, the aforementioned sadistic game designers apparently thought their audience loved the Desert of Death so much that they decided to include a similar area in this game. And, yes, you guessed it, that area happens to be the Golden Plains. Granted, it isn’t quite as controller-gnawingly frustrating as its predecessor, but I still recall being stuck at this part of the game for weeks–perhaps months–when I first played the game. Let’s see if my gaming skills have improved at all in the last decade, shall we?

For the first time ever, I feel like a videogame character is speaking directly to me.

Before entering the Plains proper, we get another meaningless scene which serves only to add another two minutes onto my playtime. Sandy hastily establishes that she and the others are going to wait at camp–personally, I think she deserves to partake in the “fun” Ruley is going to have, too–and then Ruley falls off the whelk and lands on his head. If I were recapping any other game, I’d be concerned about the possibility of brain damage, but…well, let’s just say that ship has well and truly sailed. TikTok contributes “While you can use the Dragon’s Eye to control the whelk, it may take some time to get used to riding it.” Brushing aside the fact that her advice sounds inexplicably dirty, Ruley walks offscreen with his new friend (who’s probably more intelligent than the majority of his existing companions) while Scias wonders why they’re even bothering. Of course, this provokes an impassioned speech from Sandy, which I choose not to take in because I’m going to need every ounce of sanity I can spare.

I might as well just get this over with. The Golden Plains–whose name continues to baffle me, as the grasslands aren’t golden in the slightest–are navigated in third-person view, with the camera squarely behind the whelk-mounted Ruley. As opposed to the 8-directional movement in regular gameplay mode, this section utilizes the “good” old rotate-forward control scheme, all the better for me to screw up and scream profanities at the TV. Oh, and there are no visible landmarks for miles around, unless you count the fucking Nut Troops Ruley is forced to fight every five inches. In short, I am fully anticipating a long, painful journey.

But–and I can hardly believe this myself–it seems the videogame gods are smiling upon me for the first time ever. After heading east for a few minutes, Ruley reaches a large rock with conspicuous white markings on it. A bird perched on the jizz-stained rock takes flight and heads off to the northeast, so Ruley follows it until he passes a trio of smaller rocks, and then…I dismiss it as a mirage at first, but no, it’s definitely a plume of smoke from a campfire! I’ve actually found Tarhn’s camp on my first try!

Okay, so I have no idea what just happened. I half expect this to be some giant prank on the part of the game designers. Seriously, I was actually DREADING this recap purely because I knew I’d have to cross the Golden Plains, and the pain from my previous attempts was still fresh in my mind. So what’s changed? Did I learn how to read a compass at some point in the last ten years, or was I just not paying attention properly the first time I played the game? Whatever the case may be, I know I won’t be able to relax at all now–I’m of the mindset that having thrown me a bone like this, the videogame gods will have something truly nasty in store for me in order to redress the balance.

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After all the fanfare, I’m not quite sure what I was expecting Tarhn to be, but she’s pretty much a middle-aged hippy sitting by her campfire. The first thing I notice is that she seems to be 100% human (unless she, like, had a tail-ectomy or something), which, given that Clay’s dad was obviously a cat-person, results in some unfortunate implications. Hearing Ruley’s approach, Tarhn the Furry looks up from her pot–the one on the fire–and yells “If you’re a friend, come up by the fire!” She doesn’t quite add “And if you have fur or a tail, take off your clothes”, but I’m sure she’s thinking it. “If you’ve come looking to steal something, you won’t find anything here!” she continues. Jesus, paranoid much? In his own special form of sign language, Ruley stresses that he isn’t here to steal her horse and approaches the fire, his loyal whelk in tow.

You’re half-responsible for spawning Clay. I think ‘friend’ is pushing it a little.

…”Don’t see many people riding whelks around here…” Tarhn the Furry remarks. Maybe so, but I can think of at least one person around here who’s ridden a cat, if you follow me. She very astutely observes that Ruley must have come from Worent. In other words, the only settlement within riding distance. This is the intelligence she’s so renowned for? Actually, perhaps I need to put things into perspective: by making that single observation, she’s already shown that she’s a freaking genius compared to 99% of the characters in this game. Confirming with a nod that he did in fact come from Worent, Ruley is startled by a sudden Black Screen of Not Having to Explain Everything. When we fade back in, Tarhn sighs that it sounds like her worthless son has gotten himself into quite a pickle. Well, she doesn’t actually use the word “worthless”, but I thought I should include it for accuracy’s sake. “Considering what’s happened…I imagine they’ll execute him,” she adds matter-of-factly, sounding as if she’s talking about some random wanker as opposed to a wanker she, you know, gave birth to. I mean, I can’t exactly blame her for being so blasé about the matter, but I’d expect a little more of an emotional response from the guy’s mother. Maybe she’s so blitzed she doesn’t care.

Anyway, the important thing is that Clay might be executed! Whoo-hoo! To clarify, I’m fully aware that there’s more chance of Kit Harington and Richard Madden showing up naked in my bedroom than the game designers allowing something as amazing as Clay’s demise to happen, but I’m just going to play along for a while. Don’t trample on my dreams just yet.

Sadly, my happiness is even more short-lived than I’d expected; in her very next text box, Tarhn goes “Hey, I was just kidding!” Yes, because your child’s potential execution is clearly something to joke about. I can’t quite decide whether I want to award Tarhn the “Worst Mother Ever” Award, or shake her hand for being so superbly unaffected by her useless offspring’s plight. Either way, I’m still in my happy place with the cake and “CLAY IS DEAD” banners. Let me indulge in my delusion for a while longer.

‘My only child isn’t really about to die! That was a real knee-slapper, huh?’

Tarhn opines that if Ludia did execute Clay, it would mean war between them and the Woren. Which, again, probably wouldn’t be the most even conflict in history, but she seems to think otherwise. Confidently promising that she’ll “think of something”, she tells Ruley to get some rest in her tent. I’m pretty sure there’s at least one disturbing fanfic that begins at this exact point. As if trying to prove me right, a quick black screen spirits Ruley away to the Land of Nod just before Tarhn creeps into the tent and stares down at his sleeping form. “It’s good to know [Clay]’s got friends like that…” she sighs. Once again, “friend” is a step too far–Ruley simply tolerates his presence. And he won’t even have to do that once the guy is EXECUTED!

…I’ll try to calm down now. We’re treated to a “Meanwhile, in Ludia…” scene depicting, I assume, Clay’s tribunal. He’s standing before a group of three Ludian officials and the chairman of the hearing, who has an extremely pronounced cowlick. I’m also pretty sure he’s the prince, though I could be wrong, in which case I’m sure one of the two BoF superfans in existence will correct me on this. Or tell me to die. “Not only do you sneak into the Empire, with whom we currently have a truce, I might add…” Prince Cowlick wanks from behind his Podium of Importance, “But you are caught doing so and deported. I ask you, is this conduct becoming of a warrior, one who claims to lead the mighty Woren nation!?” No, it’s conduct becoming of a fucking idiot who acts before he thinks and can’t keep his anger in check. The fact that he also happens to lead the Woren is inconsequential. Prince Cowlick continues to admonish him, accusing him of losing the King’s Sword, otherwise known as the symbol of the Alliance. I have no recollection of this, so I went back to check, and apparently the King’s Sword is the weapon Ruley broke on General Triple H’s face way back in Part 2. I have no fucking clue why the damn thing was in Clay’s possession anyway, nor do I care, so I’m not going to bother speculating. Either way, it’s one more charge against Clay–I can practically hear the gallows being constructed as I type.

When Prince Cowlick pauses for breath, Clay seizes the opportunity to dig an even deeper hole for himself by growling “All you’re worried about is your dignity and pride!” He then asks how Prince Cowlick can just stand there knowing that one of the Alliance’s princesses has been kidnapped by the Empire. Two things: first, as far as we’re aware, Elina wasn’t kidnapped; she went with the Imperials of her own accord. Second, even though Clay’s 236,581,700th mention of Elina just made me roll my eyes…well, he actually has a point here. That’s probably the only time I’ll ever say something vaguely positive about him, so be sure to savour this moment, Clay fans; I’m sure you exist, even though the possibility terrifies me more than I can put into words. Prince Cowlick hammers his fist on the Podium of Importance to show his authoritah, then spouts some bullshit about having to consider the safety of everyone in the Alliance, not just some irritating princess. Clay shakes with barely-suppressed anger as we fade out, then we see a flashback of the scenes where Ruley was handed the King’s Sword and broke it in two. This is the point where I would ordinarily have ranted at the game designers for insulting my intelligence, but since I actually didn’t remember what happened, I have to stay quiet this time.