We switch back to Ruley, who wakes up to something truly horrifying–the tribal background music of Worent. For one terrifying moment, he thinks he’s somehow ended up back in that hellhole, but he can’t smell cat urine or hear anyone hacking up a furball, so he stops panicking. Remembering he’s in Tarhn’s tent, he stretches and heads outside to listen to whatever pearls of wisdom she’s managed to come up with. He shouldn’t have got his hopes up; as it turns out, he has to do most of the work. He’s given three dialogue options, one of which prompts Tarhn to come up with a “plan” (the reason behind the sarcastic quotation marks will become clear soon enough). In the interest of completeness, I select each option, starting with “[tell her] about Elina”. Tarhn exposits that Elina is in fact betrothed to Prince Cowlick, but since it’s a political union he doesn’t actually care about her all that much. I wouldn’t want to marry into that family either; I can barely even comprehend how hard I’d need to grind my teeth if I had to refer to Sandy as my sister-in-law.

The second option, where Ruley tells Tarhn about his confrontations with the Imperial troops, produces similarly useless results. As a last resort, Ruley decides to tell her about the King’s Sword. She doesn’t seem at all surprised that Clay was responsible for losing it, only reiterating that it’s a symbol of the Alliance and that losing it “wouldn’t make him popular”. Lady, this is Clay we’re talking about. Ending world hunger wouldn’t make him popular. With a shake of the head, Ruley telepathically confesses it was kinda sorta actually his fault the sword was broken, causing her to have a lightbulb moment. Or, to be more accurate, the closest a character in this stew of stupidity ever gets to having one. The basis of her “plan” is that the Ludians would have one less charge against Clay if the lost sword were to turn up again. This is like saying the Titanic would have reached New York if someone had plugged up one of the holes with a bottle cork. Seriously, does she think this is going to make any difference whatsoever to the outcome of his trial? The main charges relate to the party’s trespass into the Empire; he’s going down either way.

A fire dungeon? That’ll be why its name is written in red. *fanwank-gasm*

“It’ll work!” Tarhn says confidently, practically basking in her own genius. She continues that she knows “just the person” to help put this totally foolproof and amazing plan into action. As we see another of those useless map overlays, she reveals that there’s a volcano called Mt. Glom to the south. That’s handy, because Ruley is considering throwing himself into it. Apparently this volcano is home to a blacksmith who can forge a copy of the King’s Sword. I’m sure this is going to work, you guys! Incidentally, I very nearly renamed Mt Glom to Mt Glomp, but then I saw sense and remembered that glomping is pretty much the polar opposite reaction I have to anything relating to this game. “Someone back at Worent should be able to tell you how to get to Mt. Glom,” Tarhn says. Or, you know, she could do it, since she’s apparently the font of all wisdom and everything. Oh, right, that would shave a few minutes off the game length, and we can’t have that.

Remember how the Elders of Worent were falling over each other to extol Tarhn’s intelligence? Well, that’s the extent of her plan. I think Clay could have come up with something better than this. Ruley leaves her to her pot smoking, adding her tent to his mental “To-Burn” list, and heads back to camp. Miraculously, I don’t have to navigate him back across the plains, thanks to a handy dotted line springing up on the Not!WorldMap. I guess I should be grateful for this smallest of mercies.

After a short and irrelevant scene back at camp (where Sandy, TikTok and Scias probably spent the day lazing in the sun and sipping cocktails while Ruley had to trek across the plains and share an awkward campfire scene with a stoned furry, like that’s at all fair), we’re back on the road to Worent. This particular recapping experience is just getting better and better. Inside the Elders’ hut the party relays its plan of action, and then one of the Elders–I can’t even remember who’s who by this point, so let’s just say Fluffy–gushes “You see why we told you to go talk to Tarhn? Make a fake King’s Sword! Now that’s smart!” No. No, it isn’t. Then again, the individual telling me this apparently enjoys the taste of his own anus, so I’m not quite sure why I’m wasting my breath. Tigger is predictably unhelpful, so it falls to Smudge to give out the directions to Mt. Glom–you know, the ones that useless hippy Tarhn should have given Ruley to begin with. As you probably guessed, finding the elusive volcano involves another crossing of the Golden Plains, but I feel a lot less suicidal about the prospect than I did previously.

I never knew game developer studios were located inside mountains!

Because their consciences won’t allow them to let Ruley brave the volcano all by himself, the other party members get to “enjoy” this trip across the plains, too. In another unnerving show of mercy, the videogame gods allow me to find Mt Glom on the first attempt. This isn’t some huge achievement by any stretch of the imagination, since the volcano is clearly visible on the horizon once Ruley reaches the jizz-stained rock, but I’m still beyond amazed that I’ve managed to avoid getting lost in these plains twice in a row. Call me paranoid, but this has to be part of the videogame gods’ intricate plan to make me lose my mind; I assume they’re playing the long game. I’m now expecting something appropriately horrible around every corner, so I guess their plan is already working on some level.

Showing admirable originality and creativity, the game designers decided that rather than making Mt Glom look like your common-or-garden-variety fiery volcano, it should instead resemble a less commonly used cryovolcano or mud volcano. Man, you guys will believe anything. Of course, it’s a cavernous dungeon filled with boiling hot magma. I know it’s futile, but I’m kind of hoping the damn thing will erupt with the party inside it. But then, we wouldn’t get to see Tarhn’s amazing plan to free Clay put into action, so I guess I should put my own selfish desires aside for now. In the very first “room” of the volcano, Ruley finds an item bag containing a Fire Ward, an accessory that reduces fire damage. How convenient! Of course, now I’m wondering how it got here. Maybe it was left for future adventurers by a kindly benefactor, in which case the poor guy probably burned to death instead of, you know, wearing it himself. Even though I’m fanwanking that he probably has a built-in fire resistance, being a dragon and all, I stick the Fire Ward on Ruley, since I figure none of the others has earned the privilege. Hey, if they want to sit out and eat cake while Ruley has to go visit Clay’s mother, they can suffer in other ways instead.

I’ve heard of people not trusting banks, but storing your money inside a fucking volcano seems a tad over-paranoid.

In the next room, Ruley finds a very out-of-place treasure chest filled with zenny. I don’t even know. The only other interesting thing in this room is a gimmick where the handful of platforms over the lava change positions after every random battle, meaning that the group has to run around aimlessly until they get dragged into a fight in order to reach the exit. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more transparent method of foisting random battles onto the player, but hey, we’re only a third through the game–give it time.

I should point out that the two predominant enemy types in this place are sword-wielding lizards (a little out there, but probably still appropriate to the setting) and…flaming, sentient tree trunks. I’m not sure how that works. I mean, maybe in the BoF universe there exists a species of tree that’s extraordinarily resistant to fire, but I have no idea how any tree could even grow in here to begin with. I’m pretty sure these guys have been encountered in a previous area, which actually made sense given that it was a forest, so now I’m even more confused as to how they ended up inside a fucking volcano. More confusing STILL is the fact that they sometimes drop “ScorchedRice” upon defeat. I’m fully aware that I’m giving far too much thought to these mooks, but there isn’t really anything else to say about Mt Glom other than “Fire, rocks, fire, rocks, fire and rocks”. I have to fill up my word count somehow, people.

After finding another chest, whose existence I’m not going to question since it contains a useful weapon for TikTok, Ruley stumbles upon a house. No, I’m not smoking crack; there’s actually a fucking house down here. What the ever-loving hell? Who in their right mind decides to set down roots in an active volcano!? I guess some people will do anything to cut down on their heating bill.

I know plenty of people relocate to a warmer climate, but this is ridiculous.

The possibly brain-damaged resident of the house is the blacksmith we’re here to find. That was surprisingly pain-free, but I’m sure there’ll be a catch sooner or later. You might want to make sure you’re sitting down for this next part–it turns out that the blacksmith, in contrast to every single other blacksmith in the fantasy genre, is a dwarf. I’m speechless. As Sandy approaches his forge, the dwarfsmith cries “Hi ho!” That’s no way to greet a princess, regardless of how short her dress is. Oh, wait, he was actually using that well-worn dwarf catchphrase popularized by Disney’s Snow White. The poor guy is a walking stereotype. If this game were voice-acted, he would undoubtedly have a Scottish accent, too. I don’t think we ever get to know his name, but just for the hell of it I’m going to call him Scotty.

This next part isn’t relevant whatsoever, but I had to include it because, well, VGR: if his portrait is anything to go by, Scotty has quite the phallic nose. Granted, it’s nowhere near Igor proportions, but it’s still noticeable, complete with what looks suspiciously looks like a pronounced vein running down the side. Gross.

Though clearly not as rare and precious as text box space.

I guess Ruley has been giving Sandy sign language lessons on the quiet, because she explains the entire situation to Scotty just by telling him they need him to make something. Scotty reveals that he made the original King’s Sword, so forging a replica will be a piece of cake…but he’s going to need “certain materials” in order to do so. Ah, there’s the catch I predicted earlier. Fetch quest ahoy! Actually, to be more accurate, it’s a fetch quest within a fetch quest, and I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by revealing that tracking down these “certain materials”–a fetch quest in itself–is going to result in yet another fetch quest. If you’re having trouble keeping up, this means we’re about to head on a fetch quest within a fetch quest within a fetch quest. “Filler” doesn’t quite cover it. Incidentally, why can’t Scotty simply repair the original King’s Sword, instead of sending the gang out on yet another time-consuming errand? If I know game designers like I think I do, the answer is in the question.

As Sandy plasters on her confused face, Scotty declares that he’ll need them to procure a Faerie Drop, a rare metal that “can only be found in the realm of the faeries.” And there was me thinking that something called the Faerie Drop would be found in the domain of the orcs. Scotty tugs on his beard (an action that looks somehow obscene) and acknowledges that this might pose a problem, since the faeries can’t be seen by normal people. Insert punchline here. Of course, we all remember the gang’s encounter with the trio of irritating faeries in the Wychwood (if you don’t, it occurred in Part 6), so it looks like that God-forsaken place is our next destination. Ruley has his heart set on burning it down this time, but only once the Faerie Drop is safely in his grasp.

Blowjob…trunks?

Scotty’s backdoor conveniently leads to a path out of the volcano, meaning that Ruley only has to fight two battles against out-of-place trees before ending up back outside. Without even stopping to make camp (there’s no point prolonging the agony), he and the others head straight to the Wychwood, where we’re immediately treated to a mini-cutscene. As exclamation points rise from everyone’s heads, Sandy gasps “I heard a voice! Did you?” Yes, and it told you to kill yourself. After about five minutes of wandering around the forest, Ruley notices a cluster of sparkles in the bushes. On further examination, the sparkles transform into one of the faeries, who starts freaking out when she recognises her unexpected visitors. Her surprised reaction, combined with the fact she was lurking behind a bush, totally gives me the impression the poor faerie was taking a shit when she was rudely interrupted by this ragtag group of freaks. But more about that later (I wish I was joking).

The still-nameless orange-haired faerie promises she won’t shrink anyone this time, then calls her gal-pals over for a chat. When they find out the gang is looking for a Faerie Drop, they exchange worried glances and mutter amongst themselves about how there aren’t any around here, but that there “used to be a lot where [they] lived.” This seems to give one of the others an idea, as she offers to take the group to the faeries’ former home. It’s kind of hard to recap conversations where one party doesn’t contribute at all, but I figure Ruley and the others must have agreed to the proposition because another faerie tells them to turn around. I’m not sure I like where this is going. As the group wonder whether they’re about to be violated with faerie dildos, the three faeries float up above their heads and produce a flowerpot, a cannonball and a large rock from God-knows-where. “It’ll only hurt for a little bit!” one of them promises. That’s what they told me when I started recapping this game, and they were lying back then, so I don’t buy it this time either. Without further warning, the faeries drop their items on the characters’ heads, splitting their skulls and causing what passes for their brains to ooze out onto the forest floor.