Greetings everyone who thought I was dead after not posting for a while. I have a pretty good excuse this time involving the stomach flu and getting caught up on everything that I couldn’t do while I had the stomach flu. But trust me, you don’t want the details.

The reason I even mentioned my recent ailment is that John very thoughtfully bought me a new game to help me pass the time: Professor Layton and the Curious Village. Some of you mentioned on the forum that you’ve played this game, and all the “It’s a really cute game” and “I like puzzles” type of comments made me think that this would be a fun, innocent adventure. Boy, was I wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

Professor Layton, in spite of his phallic hat, appears at first glance to be a proper English gentleman. Lurking beneath this genteel facade is a sick, disgusting pedophile. Sure, he doesn’t have that skeevy molester voice like Seymour or Tromell Guado, but he travels the countryside with his assistant Luke who just happens to be a young boy. You can’t tell me there’s nothing creepy or wrong about that. Throughout the game, Professor Layton manages to find many an opportunity to get “close” to Luke. Oh, sure, you could argue that when Layton jumps on Luke, knocking him to the ground and wrapping his arms around him that he’s just “protecting” the kid from certain death, but deep down (no pun intended), you know the truth. I’m surprised there wasn’t a puzzle called “What’s behind the zippered door?” Although near the end of the game, Professor Layton expresses his desire for a puzzle with some “meat” to it. This triggers a puzzle with the title “Get the Ball Out.” I’m not making this shit up.

And let’s not even get into the fact that at one point in the game, before their (thankfully) two hotel rooms are fully furnished, there’s only one bed between them.

The next part is a spoiler to the end of the game so, like, don’t read it if you’re going to pitch a fit.

So after all the thinly-veiled pedophilic innuendo throughout the rest of the game, what prize does Professor Layton get at the end after solving the big mystery? Is it gold and jewels? A huge heap of money? A fabulous mansion? Nope, it’s a little girl. Yes, Professor Pedo gets to add another child to his deviant collection. And it’s all my fault for beating the game. I feel so unclean.