His latest weapon in his battle of dick size with Jailbait, apparently, is an ominous purple glow that turns out to be “the power of will.” Hey, that’s the name of the game! It is also UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Surprise! “What you are witnessing is simply your perception of it,” Albedo drones on. “And you know what? Perception and pain are one and the same.” He’s a poet and he probably does know it, because he practices all these stupid speeches in front of a mirror while masturbating. “So…go ahead…” he finishes while admiring his purple U-DO mojo. “Feel my pain for yourself!” In the porn parody version of Xenosaga, this is where the orgy begins.

Seconds later, Albedo belted out ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me.’

I won’t insult you by describing anything about this fight, as if I actually bothered fighting him for real, other than Albedo’s silly “fighting” stance, in which he looks like an extra in West Side Story. Albedo in this form has only 7400 HP and is therefore easily wiped out by Shion’s BFF Erde Kaiser. I will, however, point out that the guide says, “If you do not have Erde Kaiser, seriously consider completing that short side quest before continuing. Fighting Albedo without it is nearly impossible for a human being to manage.” Okay, first, that seems like a bit of a misstatement. It’s not like you need superhuman reflexes to beat him–this game didn’t suddenly stop being a turn-based RPG. I’m sure leveling up some more is within the parameters of what a human being can manage, tedious though it may be. Second, if the fight is so fucking hard without Erde Kaiser, that might have been worth mentioning before the poor benighted reader has already traversed this entire fucking dungeon.

After Albedo’s entire life force has been knocked from him in a single robotic moonbeam blow, we once again transition to a cutscene in which Jailbait looks exhausted and defeated and Albedo looks untouched. It’s still ridiculous. Anyway, Jailbait foolishly tries to reason with Albedo and point out the lack of pragmatism in his blowing-up-Second-Miltia plan. I’m sure that will work–Albedo seems like a practical, reasonable person. “Au contraire,” Albedo mispronounces, making me grind my teeth. “I…am doing all this…for your sake, Rubedo.” Jailbait Shions, “For…my sake?” God dammit. It’s like the writers had a mission to make me hate every character by the end of the game.

For no good reason that I can think of, the camera zooms in on Albedo’s mouth as he yaks on, “Have you forgotten, Rubedo? That fateful day, fourteen years ago… Have you forgotten what you did to us?!” Come now, Albedo. I’m sure he’ll never forget the day he dyed your hair black and you thought you’d turned into Gaignun. Best prank ever! But as for what really happened, Jailbait surely hasn’t forgotten, because we get an extreme close-up on his big blue eyeball as he recalls fighting the power of Song of Nephilim, a mental battle so fierce it toggled the negative filter in Photoshop.

“It’s all because of you…” Albedo exposits for the benefit of everyone who isn’t Jailbait, which would be fine if he weren’t solely addressing Jailbait. “Because you closed yourself off from us, our mental link was broken, and one after another, we succumbed to the power of the Song. Left behind in that horror, did we have any choice but to submit to it?” Shion is hugging a cowering MOMO during this speech, like hearing it is just the most traumatic thing that could ever happen to her in Albedo’s presence. He shouts, poking his pointy fingers in Jailbait’s face, “Remember what happened…and repent for your sin!”

Jailbait, for his part, looks pretty broken up about the whole thing, which I guess is natural if the result of his mistake is the bloviating crazy albino standing before him. “It’s true I… I mean…” After Jailbait flashes back to more of his blond clones flying through the air, Albedo merely laughs at him, adding, “So you finally admit to it, you coward!” Hasn’t Albedo been estranged from his brothers since this incident? So it’s not like Albedo has endured years and years of Jailbait slamming his wine glass down at dinner and stubbornly insisting he didn’t do anything wrong, while Gaignun busied himself with the dishes so he could escape the room.

“All right! Damn it!” Jailbait yells back. “I couldn’t control my fear!” Shion’s all, “Whisper character’s name sadly!” Do Jailbait and Shion have some kind of pact that they will say each other’s names sadly any time they are involved in an emotional scene? Albedo goes “Yes!” but stops short of pumping his fists like Macaulay Culkin. “And therefore, you must atone for your sins, atone with your life! I am the executor for all those who were destroyed!” You know, this doesn’t sound like it’s for Jailbait’s sake at all. It sounds more like Albedo has filed a class-action lawsuit against him.

“Although…I’m actually grateful to you, Rubedo,” he goes on. “Thanks to you, I alone was able to find the way… The way to a whole new world.” On a magic carpet ride? Did he fly through clouds of UUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOO while singing? He so did, you guys. (Sidebar: why can I not stop associating Albedo with songs from Disney movies?) “That’s all that I seek… It’s quite simple,” he replies. It’s also shining, shimmering, and splendid. Jailbait snarls back, “What the hell are you talking about?” It took this long for anyone to ask Albedo that question?

In response, Albedo backflips 40 goddamn feet up to the top of the reactor again. Which, really, is the only valid answer to what the hell Albedo is talking about. It makes sense, because backflips. He laughs maniacally–also a valid answer–and shouts down, “At first, I wasn’t sure if I should believe… But I experienced something a moment ago that confirmed it…” He stares at KOS-MOS before adding with more giggling, “And this ought to verify that experience for me.” Wait, he experienced this a moment ago? The only thing he could possibly be referring to is his vision that shall not be named when he was tinkering around in MOMO’s MacGuffin Data. That was fucking hours ago. And not just for me! Like, in actual story time, unless we’re to believe that the group traveled to Proto Merkabah and dungeoneered through it instantaneously.

Simple. They just need to cross the streams.

“Entertain me, if you will!” Albedo cries, as red lights start flashing, sirens start blaring, steam comes from nowhere, and the reactor core is released from its housing. The shiny red marble opens for what feels like an hour, finally revealing a gigantic, white, bulbous, malicious-looking Gnosis inside. “Damn!” Jailbait yells. “You fused the Gnosis…with the reactor…?!” Apparently that’s a thing you can do! Albedo is obviously tickled by his own cleverness here–surely there’s no way Rubedo and his hapless gang of idiots could take down his Stay-Puft Marshmallow Gnosis! Obviously if they had destroyed some kind of giant, planet-sized Gnosis, he would have heard about it. “You do realize that… Oh, almost forgot the time!” That must be easy to do when you’ve been in a bizarre time vacuum that somehow missed out on the last several hours.

Guyliner alert!

Albedo taunts them about how little time there is left, because now we suddenly have to respect time flow in an RPG, and adds, “I wonder how far you’ll get in your current condition?” Wait, who’s pregnant? Oh, he means they’re all tired because they lost that battle with Albedo, except they didn’t. MOMO says, “He’s so cruel… He’s tormenting [Jailbait] just for fun…” Wait, THAT makes Albedo cruel? According to MOMO, of all people? Whaaaat?

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Everyone’s favorite psychopath bids our heroes adieu, adding as a parting shot, “I’m sure we’ll meet again, if you survive…” That is the best argument for throwing in the towel I’ve ever heard. Jailbait tries to go after his “other half,” but the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Gnosis has an energy forcefield that holds him back. Other things it has: furry dreadlocks, long tendrils that look like a straggly hippie beard, and a gaping blowjob mouth in which you can see the reactor core. “Damn it… We have to destroy this thing first!” Jailbait sneers. Well, duh. Weren’t you listening? I mean, believe me, I understand the desire to tune out Albedo, but that part was important. “Right, this takes priority,” Ziggy adds. Thanks for your input, buddy. CHAOS!!!, hair blowing thanks to the off-camera wind machine, chimes in, “Be careful, everyone! That’s no longer just a machine!” Seriously, does anyone present actually need to hear specific directions to a) kill the giant Gnosis with a nuke in its throat right in front of them and b) be careful doing so? Even Shion can figure that out.

Speaking of Shion, she’s got the artfully blowing hair thing going too, and says, “All right! Let’s do it, KOS-MOS!” KOS-MOS is all “Affirmative” because they have all-important company approval to save the day. She adds, “Switching to maximum output for all combat systems.” Wait, has she not been using maximum output all along? What a ripoff!

MOMO, alone of our heroes, has no meaningless one-liners to contribute, probably because she’s still so sad about how Albedo treated Jailbait, so it’s on to the boss. The Gnosis is actually called Sophie Peithos, which is Greek for “YOU look it up on Wikipedia,” but I’ll be sticking to my name, thanks. For some reason beyond my understanding, the boss and the party are pulled into an alternate rainbow cloud dimension, not unlike the inside of Sin. Mr. Stay-Puft has 16,000 HP, so there is actually quite a bit to do before finishing it off with Erde Kaiser. Hilariously, the guide recommends using Erde Kaiser immediately, which transitions the boss to its third stage, summoning other Gnosis, doing 800 damage a pop to all party members, and all kinds of other fun shit that’s totally unnecessary to bother with. Of course, it’s petty to criticize this. It’s only the strategy written for the final boss in the official strategy guide.

ANYWAY. Joining the boob-shaped Erde Kaiser receptacle in this battle are KOS-MOS, because I love X-CLITORIS, and Jailbait, because I love him. Since the early stages of the fight are pretty easy, I even have Jailbait use his Magnum Joe ether. “Give it to ’em, [Big Gay Joe]!” he yells by way of summons. I wish it were some epic, symbolism-laden crackfest like Erde Kaiser, but all Big Gay Joe does is hit the ground with an “UNF!” noise and shoot Mr. Stay-Puft for a few hundred damage. How boring! I was hoping his skull-shaped codpiece would shoot lethal lasers out of its eyes.

After a couple thousand damage, Mr. Stay-Puft summons a minion called Jaldabaoth, but I’m just gonna call it Mr. Tapeworm because that’s basically what it is. I would just ignore these little buggers, but summoning them pushes Mr. Stay-Puft to the back row like the fucking coward he is, and therefore they have to die. Of course they also, like a Geodude, cast Self Destruct when they die, blasting tapeworm guts all over everybody. Wonderful. Eventually, though, Mr. Stay-Puft is both out of tapeworm buddies and under 9999 HP, so Erde Kaiser comes in to finish the job with the power of the moon, Japan, and angel dust.

Out of the battle screen, Mr. Stay-Puft gags on the reactor core lozenge in its throat as it explodes. The light from the explosion can be seen in the corridor as our heroes rush out, but Shion yells over her shoulder, “We’ll be caught in the explosion! We have to get out of here quickly!” So what the hell was that, if not the explosion? And again, do any of these mental giants actually need to be told to get out quickly, especially when they’re already running? This game.

Thanks a lot, game.

The ground shakes and Shion trips and falls to her knees–yeah–and Ziggy awesomely just stands there impassively, not helping her at all, and says, “What was that rumbling?” That almost makes up for him spending the last several hours stating the obvious and being stupid. They at first think it’s “more explosions,” because that was a load-bearing marshmallow, but CHAOS!!! realizes that they are changing direction. “Shion,” KOS-MOS interrupts, “I have confirmation of ignition in the Proto Merkabah’s propulsion units. It is descending toward Second Miltia now.” As she says this, the camera zooms at breakneck speed toward her face, so fast it goes through her and ends up outside again, where the space top they’re currently in is indeed shooting blue fire out of its butt and moving toward the planet. No one bothers asking how this could be, given that they just destroyed the reactor and removed Proto Merkabah’s power source. Does its propulsion system still run on gasoline?