‘Just the tip?’

Now that everyone is safe, the Elsa finally pulls away from Proto Merkabah. Shion collapses to the floor of the Elsa’s corridor, and says what I’m sure we’ve all been thinking: “KOS-MOS…I really ought to put you on a diet!” Yeah, you fatty fat fat! You almost snapped Shion’s bony, anorexic arm off, what with all your robot lard!

Bitch.

The bitch hugs her RealDoll as the song ends and the scene fades. Were that just the end of the game, everything would be mostly settled, but the writers had to go with an unnecessary extra suspenseful ending that no one asked for. As we cut to Proto Merkabah still breaking apart above the atmosphere of Second Miltia, the music turns sinister so we know all is not yet well. The Elsa is still navigating the falling debris, and Tony has his “This is gonna get me laid by CHAOS!!! Corey Shion” face on. The Elsa shoots out ahead of a column of fire into space, with Tony shouting and whooping the whole way like he thinks he’s Han Solo. But red warning lights are now flashing all over the ship, and Ziggy suggests to Shion that they head to the bridge.

Outside, it’s clear that the Elsa is coming in too steep and too fast, and the hull is taking a lot of heat. Sure enough, the view through the Elsa’s windshield is just a bunch of flames, like a Cockarina of Time flashback. Corey repeats to Matthews what was already obvious from the exterior. Tony says the controls aren’t responding, probably due to the entire ship being on fire. Hammer and Tony technobabble about it, but the gist is that the Elsa is beat to shit and they’re all probably going to die. “Ya moron!” Matthews yells for old time’s sake at one or both of them. “Stop whining and do something about it! You wanna be vaporized?” The camera focuses on Shion when he says this, as if he’s asking me if I want her to be vaporized. I believe I’ve made my desires clear.

More exterior shots of the Elsa burning to a crisp and Hammer filling the air with meaningless words. And then, jarringly, we switch to CHAOS!!! somewhere in the bowels of the ship, accompanied by tranquil music, staring at a point on the floor and looking all Serious Cat. He doesn’t seem especially bothered by the rumbling of the ship, as he is thinking back to his conversation with Red. “What will you do?” her voice says. He stares at his Gnosis-killing hands, seemingly without an answer to a question we don’t really understand yet. This is riveting stuff, isn’t it? While he’s contemplating whatever, KOS-MOS descends from an elevator and walks past him. “You’re… Wait!” he cries at her back. Without stopping, she says, “Relinquish your pain…unto me…” This sounds like something Jesus would say, except he never did. Don’t look at me. The doors close behind KOS-MOS, and CHAOS!!! keeps staring. He says a word that we cannot hear, and the scene fades. Knowing that this entire scene is a setup for the other games just serves to remind me that I’m recapping them too and I’m years away from not dealing with this pretentious bullshit anymore.

Back to the bridge, where Hammer realizes that the aft hatch is open. Matthews wants to know who the “moron” is that would open a door when the ship is on fire, but it’s obvious that KOS-MOS is that moron. At least, she’s not on the bridge, and Shion’s mind immediately jumps to that conclusion. Funnily, CHAOS!!! isn’t there either, but no one assumes he’s the one trying to save them. I mean, would CHAOS!!! really die for the sake of others? Come on, that’s just silly.

Outside, KOS-MOS dives out of the hatch and into the flames, arms crossed in front of her face. Responding to Shion telling her to not do this when it’s already way too late for that, KOS-MOS says, “Shion, I will proceed to shield the Elsa with my energy field. Please stabilize the ship during that time.” Again not sensing the futility of arguing about this, Shion yells back, “Don’t be ridiculous! What can you possibly accomplish by doing that?” I don’t know, buying the Elsa enough time protected from the damaging effects of the fire to level out the ship so everyone doesn’t die? I thought that was fairly plain. KOS-MOS merely replies, “Maintaining this position for one minute and 20 seconds will save the Elsa, so stop fucking nagging.” Okay, that last part was me. You caught me. Blah blah blah, but KOS-MOS will die if she does that! Before the communications feed cuts out, KOS-MOS says, “I am happy…to be of service.” If you can’t predict that the next words out of Shion’s mouth are “KOS-MOS!!” then you haven’t been paying any attention.

I can’t help but notice that we already went through this shit. And not just at some previous point, but five fucking minutes ago. Didn’t the sequence of events inside Proto Merkabah basically go the same way?

1) Our heroes are in danger.
2) The only way to save everyone is for one person to risk their own safety.
3) KOS-MOS volunteers because she’s fucking indestructible anyway.
4) Shion yells a bunch.
5) KOS-MOS is fine, obviously.

Did we really have to do the same “suspenseful” ending sequence twice? This is worse than Return of the King.

Ew, Shion.

Anyway, back to the action at hand. As KOS-MOS is using up her life force or whatever to save the day, on the ship, CHAOS!!!’s hands glow with angelic light, Red stares at the sky from inside KOS-MOS’s mind or something, and some little boy who looks like Xenogears alpha wanker Fei motherfucking Fong Wong looks up from his alphabet blocks at the commotion in Jesus spacetime. Fei Fong Wong? Ugh. More like Fei Fuck My Life. Elsewhere, creepy Wilhelm stares into his Plot Compass, which must be the most fucked device ever if it tracks the machinations of this game. And I’m still not over this Fei Fong Wong bullshit.

NOOOOOOOOO

The Elsa and KOS-MOS continue to burn, and KOS-MOS, after several long moments, rips her visor off to let her hair fly free. Shion is sobbing openly on the Elsa’s bridge, and I suppose I should take a moment to be thankful that something could make her this unhappy. It’s the little things. Next moment, KOS-MOS’s eyes blare bright blue, which is strange because the rest of her is glowing a Jersey Shore shade of orange. With the power of her Blue Eyes of Destiny, KOS-MOS summons a pair of humongous angel wings–hey, honey, that’s CHAOS!!!’s domain!–and the scene fades to white. I hope that means everybody just died.

Nope! Too bad. The Elsa appears in the dusky skies of Second Miltia, obviously the worse for wear but still in one piece. In the sunlight coming through the windows, everyone looks super sad because KOS-MOS totally died to save them, and is in no way alive out there. Obviously. Matthews asks, “Are we…okay?” because it does kind of seem like they’re in heaven right now, except for the fact that Shion is with them. Matthews raises his chair and immediately sees something worth yelling at Shion for. “H-Hey! Ms. Vector!” Matthews orders Hammer to turn on one of the Elsa’s many cameras, so they can see KOS-MOS standing on top of the ship, hair blowing behind her, looking just fine. It’s a miracle!!!!!

Shion yells “KOS-MOS!” a few times so we know that her eyesight has not failed her in the last 30 seconds, and we cut to KOS-MOS’s face, still visor-free, but with her eyes returned to their normal creepy red. On the bridge, MOMO and Shion hug, since they were all convinced the indestructible super-robot was going to die out there. And just to make this even more of a shot-for-shot remake of the escape from Proto Merkabah, another pop ballad dedicated to Shion and KOS-MOS’s lesbian love begins to play. This one, “Kokoro,” I will admit to liking despite its fairly nauseating subject matter. “Kokoro,” or “Slutty Girls and Robots Maybe Kissing,” takes us into the credits.

And I can’t even sit through the credits in peace without having to recap shit! Ugh, fine. First up, elsewhere on Second Miltia, a handsome young man in a black kimono kneels before a grave and smiles serenely at nothing. This is Jin, Shion’s nerdy brother and possible descendent of the ghost lady inside Erde Kaiser, and thank God in heaven, we’ll get to spend more time with him later. He looks up at a pleasant, lovely meteor shower, as the remains of Proto Merkabah burn up in the atmosphere. Some of those pieces used to be elevators, so this pleases me.

As the Elsa flies off past Jin’s vantage point, we cut back to the Kukai Foundation, inside Gaignun’s rumpus room. He and Mace Windu, via videophone, are discussing U-GEE’s master plan, which must involve long-lost Miltia. Gaignun calls it a “vortex of temptation” like it’s Shion’s vagina and openly worries that it’s a honeypot that U-GEE and his brother Albedo cannot help but go after. “Albedo?!” Mace says, sitting bolt upright in his chair. “You mean, the U.R.T.V. Albedo?” Yeah, Mace, where the fuck have you been, polishing your purple lightsaber? Gaignun confirms, though cryptically, that Albedo is alive and won’t die until “that time arrives.” I’m guessing that means “until the script calls for it.”

Speaking of Albedo, though I’d prefer never to do so again, he’s still floating in space. “Now, that was entertaining,” he says to no one. “All that remains is for ma pêche to link up with the U.M.N., and my objective will be complete.” I could not give less of a fuck. I’m sure this will all be covered later, after I have had a long, well-earned vacation from Albedo and his crazy laugh and his nonstop talking. He adds, “Do heed my message, Rubedo…maniacal laugh! Maniacal laugh!” He takes off in his mech, which will hopefully be hit by a space bus before the next game.

Hey, the foley was provided by Skywalker Sound! Just like in everything!

Cut to Wilhelm’s office. “We’ve confirmed a gate-jump by Albedo’s craft,” the Man in Red Who’s Not Kevin tells his boss. “This is acceptable?” Wilhelm responds in his chill-inducing girlish voice that it’s fine, because the space bus known as “Abel’s Ark” is on its way to run him over. Yay! Or, rather, only he can open this space bus. I’m sure Abel’s Ark will prove to be a fun time whenever we get to it, and I won’t hate it at all. The Man in Red is concerned that Albedo may link with UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO again, but Wilhelm thinks he’s a pawn and thus too weak to manage it. My position on the matter is that I don’t care. Fuck Albedo, fuck Wilhelm, and fuck U-DO. “Still…” Wilhelm goes on, staring into space. “His will shines with such wondrous light. It’s a shame to relegate him to such a minor role…” No, it isn’t! Relegate away! Make him play a tree with no speaking part!

And we’re back on the Elsa. The gang plus Corey and minus CHAOS!!! and KOS-MOS are standing around on the bridge. Of note, Jailbait is punching Corey in the stomach and wagging his finger in his face. I like that, even after they’ve saved a planet and should be celebrating, someone is mistreating Corey. They all stop what they’re doing long enough to welcome KOS-MOS back to the bridge. Shion stands there while Jailbait, Corey, Ziggy, and MOMO, I shit you not, run to her in slow motion, with KOS-MOS’s garter-belted thigh in the foreground. Then Shion, still in slow-mo, turns around like Dramatic Chipmunk and stares into KOS-MOS’s face as the robot reports, “Mission complete, Shion.” In the background, Corey is weeping into his oversized unitard sleeve. All of them stand in line staring at Shion like it’s a first-person text adventure, or they’re posing for an awkward family photo. Shion, for her part, stands there with a truly stupid, even for her, look on her face. Finally, as the scene fades to black and the credits end, she smiles and says, “Welcome back.” Hang on! Let’s not end this prematurely! There’s still time for KOS-MOS to risk her life a third time!

Matthews should be photobombing this.

…

…Oh my God. Is that it? Am I done?

IT’S OVER!!! YES!!! HELL FUCKING YES!!! I CAN PUT THIS DISC IN THE MICROWAVE IF I WANT TO! YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!

Ahem.

Seriously, I joke about the pain this game causes me, and I’m sure the next game will cause me many more headaches. But it’s also been a pleasure to share those headaches with you. To those of you who have been reading since the beginning, I want to say thanks for sticking it out for so, so, so long. I hope you continue to stick around for the sequels and for Xenogears. Until then, go with God. Or Jesus. Or CHAOS!!!. Whatever. Thanks for reading!