Pippi turns and tries to get Fina’s support on the issue, bringing up the possibility of ghosts. Unfortunately for Pippi, this is one of those random topics on which Fina is sadly ignorant. Vyse grins in the background, once again thrilled that Fina, and not he, is the dumbest idiot in the scene. There’s some more conversation where Pippi doesn’t really explain the definition of ghosts but makes sure Fina gets properly freaked out about them. “The two things I hate the most right now are dirty old men and ghosts,” Pippi sighs. And for once I can’t really snark at her because I’m not too fond of either of those things myself. Vyse keeps on grinning, like it’s so hilarious that some guy was trying to commit statutory rape against his childhood friend.
Finally, Pippi decides that following the group into the ghost-infested ruins is preferable to standing by herself at the ghost-infested entrance, and the thrill-a-minute cut scene comes to a close. Time to go exploring! We’ve already established in a number of other recaps that I’m the world’s biggest chickenshit, so I can’t really blame Pippi for her reluctance to explore these dank, foggy ruins where the living dead may walk. Luckily, it turns out that the scariest thing the group encounters is the requisite assload of random battles. I guess “luckily” isn’t really the correct term here. And it’s not like that monsters aren’t scary, in their own acid-dropping way. I mean, one variety is the “Slothstra,” — big green mutated sloths that enjoy sitting spread-eagled with their crotches thrust out for the world to see. Thank God for the graphical limitations of this game. But there aren’t any random battle enemies from beyond the grave like I was led to expect.
Attractive!
As for the ruins themselves…well, I suppose to be thorough I should at least attempt a basic description. Like the rest of Ixa’taka, they have that certain Mesoamerican flair, with stepped terraces and the slanted stone walls. Except I don’t think any of those real life cultures employed glowing circular platforms to move from one building to the next. I don’t think they had giant green exhibitionist sloths either, but what do I know? With the numerous staircases and moving platforms, not to mention the multi-roomed buildings that look identical, you would think I’d get lost faster than Shion in in a first grade science class. Thankfully, the odd lack of random battles makes navigation a cinch. Wow, you guys really need to stop being so gullible. Naturally, I run into random battles every other God damn second. And you know how I was bitching about the ones I ran into while flying around Ixa’taka? Yeah, these take a lot longer. I imagine the population of Rixis died of boredom and aggravation.
In case it wasn’t clear, it takes me forever to find my way through the ruins. Even just watching the footage, I want to cry. But our lurking “ghost” friend must have been delayed by the endless stream of monsters as well. Before Vyse gets too far into the ruins, the camera shows us the mysterious figure peering at Vyse and crew from the wall above. Vyse looks up at him — or her — just in time to see him — or her — step back and disappear. There’s no dialog or reaction, leading me to wonder if Vyse actually saw anything. Even Pippi says nothing. Not that I’m complaining about this, but it seems odd after the giant federal case she made of it earlier.
Vyse winds his way through the identical multi-level buildings I mentioned previously, and I’m sure he would pause to admire the fine decorative mosaics set into the floors if he were Enrigay or Fruity. At least the monster set changes in this section of the ruins to something that doesn’t take roughly 300 rounds to defeat. These monsters, as well as the ones in the earlier portion, are all green. Do you see what they did there with the correlation between the color of the region’s moon and the color of the monsters? The characters in the Phoenix Wright series must all live under the fuchsia moon.
PENIS!
Anyway, I’m kind of babbling here in order to make this ungodly boring part a bit more interesting. A little ways into the ruins, the party finds Zivilyn Bane hiding inside a treasure chest. Have I mentioned this guy yet? Reading back through my recaps it looks like I haven’t. Well, he’s this guy who somehow manages to get to all of Vyse’s intended destinations before Vyse does. Then, he climbs into a random treasure chest and waits there indefinitely for our favorite Ass Pirate to come along and open said treasure chest. Then — surprise! — he pops out and forces Vyse into a mini-boss battle. The thing is, I completely missed Zivilyn Bane in one of the earlier dungeons, before I started using a strategy guide. I wonder how long he waited inside that chest before realizing that Vyse had rudely passed by without letting him out. He still managed to make it to the next dungeon before Vyse showed up, so he must have left the chest eventually. Still, I can’t feel sorry for him — it’s his own fault for choosing such a silly hobby.
Oh boy, did not need that mental image.
The battle with Zivilyn…well, let’s just say that the cramped treasure chest made him extremely angry, because his attacks pack a punch. His rather effective Burst attack, combined with the fact that this game’s resurrection items have a fucking failure rate — which appears to be 100%, in my case — means that only two of my characters are alive at the end of the battle and able to collect experience points. Fucking battle system. And all Vyse has to show for this whole experience is a Golden Mask. I have no idea what this does, since according to my footage, I don’t actually bring up my inventory and look for it. I’m on a roll here.
I’ll just skip to the part where Vyse completes the arduous task of climbing to the top of the ruins. He finds himself staring into a circular chamber, and you’ll never guess who’s standing directly in the center of the chamber. That’s right, the “ghost.” This time, Vyse clearly spots the guy, who we now see is sporting a fashionable tall hat and carrying a staff. Pippi falls all over herself, all vindicated that she was right and not, after all, hopped up on drugs. The party clearly has nothing to fear from this frightening apparition, as the guy bolts out of the room as soon as Vyse approaches him. I’d probably run away if I saw these weirdoes coming after me, too. “Who’d be lurkin’ around in a place like this?! Don’t let him get away, boy!” Drachma bellows, like it’s only okay for people like them to be lurking around in ruins, but everyone else is clearly a criminal.
Now comes the fun part where Vyse has to corner this mystery person. There are several circular rooms, each with multiple exits, and every time Vyse goes in one doorway, the guy goes out the opposite doorway and waits for Vyse in the next circular room. Now, if our sneaky friend just kept running, he’d probably manage to successfully elude Vyse. After all, there are no helpful arrows like there were in the slums of Valua. In this situation, Vyse eventually figures out the correct order of doorways, forcing the robed man into a metaphorical corner. There, the guy presses a giant red button on the wall to summon a floating platform and then rides it to the area on the opposite side. Watching this sequence, I’m not sure why the game designers forced me to play this bizarre pursuit mini-game. Surely even Vyse, when he made it to this point, could have figured out that he should press the huge red button. I know that may be giving him too much credit. Also, I didn’t try pushing the big red button before chasing the guy here — maybe it didn’t do anything until then. Still, this sequence isn’t going to win any awards for “most intense chase scene” so let’s just move on.
Wait, there’s one more dumb part. Vyse continues to follow the guy, who hops on a second platform that rises into the clouds and disappears. Shit, it doesn’t look like that platform is going to come back any time soon. And there’s no red button nearby. But look! A second floaty platform just happens to be right next to the first one. What a lucky coincidence, since none of the other platforms doubled up in this way! My God. Vyse rides this platform up, silently thanking the ancient builders of Rixis for their very helpful foresight.
She’s obviously used this move on the game designers one too many times.
The second platform docks next to the first — now empty — platform. Vyse finds himself on an island containing another of those flat-topped pyramids with staircases up the sides…and a save point. God damn it. Sure enough, as soon as Vyse walks up the stairs and approaches the pedestal that presumably holds the Moon Crystal, the camera pulls back to show us an enemy hovering above the pyramid in a sinister fashion. And by “sinister,” I mean in the sense that a bird ten times fruitier than the Helmaroc Queen is sinister. So maybe it’s only upsetting to people who feel threatened by the existence of homosexuals. Seriously, it’s all bright red and gold and green and its poofy, red-feathered ass looks like a showgirl headdress. It also has a long neck that hangs down much like a flaccid penis. With a dramatic squawk, it descends upon Vyse — in first-person (or bird, rather) POV just for that extra flair — who doesn’t spot it until it’s practically up his butt. You have to be a special kind of oblivious to not notice that thing.
Fabulous!
Okay, so this flaming monstrosity is obviously the boss. It’s been a while since I recorded this footage, and so I’m not quite sure what to expect when I watch it — it’s not like my ancient 30-year-old brain (or 12-year-old sex-obsessed brain, if you prefer) can store information for more than a few hours. I quickly learn that this homosexual bird enjoys casting sleep on my party. But that’s okay — I suck so bad at this game, I’m used to having at least one of my party members out of commission (usually dead) at any given time. Plus, it looks like Fina has a move — which you might have noticed from one of the previous screenshots — that “Stones” the enemy. Although this doesn’t allow for any humorous shattering animations — pardon me while I once again relive the glorious Wanker Destruction of 2003 — it’s still nice to get a few hits in without the boss doing any of its special moves, like “Fairy Glitter Dust Surprise” or “Cher Song Blaster.”
Just so you know, I’m fast-forwarding through this battle — meaning it’s still slower than any other game’s battles, but not as much — and it took me a while to notice that the bird’s beak also looks like a blue-tipped schlong. How terrible if I had missed that opportunity to describe a phallic object to you guys. I think such an offense would result in the revocation of my recapper’s badge.
And now I have the mental image of a Gollus/Cocko fanfiction. You’re welcome!
At the end of the battle, the gay bird bursts into flames — seriously — and collapses in a big gay heap right before it dissolves into thin air. It makes me wonder what happened to the guy the group was chasing. Is he hiding somewhere behind the pyramid, or did he get eaten by this drag queen version of Big Bird? Well, I’m sure I’ll find out soon enough because no video game would ever forget to follow-up on an NPC. So let’s see what happens when Vyse and buddies proceed forward to collect the Moon Crystal, shall we?
Actually, I’m going to abruptly end the recap here. Why, you ask? You know the drill — I had to divide it in half again because I wrote too much. The “good” news is, the recap continues with Part 10…right now!