Whatever hallway Vyse is in now, it continues on to a guarded chamber of cells. Apparently, this is where the important prisoners are held, as opposed to that Elton John guy who can disable all the traps in the dungeon. As soon as Vyse enters the room, the massive doors on either end slide shut, trapping him inside with an inescapable battle. Inescapable storywise, I mean, since pretty much all the stupid battles in this game are inescapable.
The four zippo soldiers use what are either lightsabers or glowing dildos as weapons. It’s a video game, so it could really go either way. But their sex toys are no match for swords, a boomerang, a mechanical arm, and a sperm-shaped Pokemon that can morph into a pointy thing. With the soldiers out of the way, Vyse can finish his pillaging of the cells. Oh, and find Isapa.
The priest himself is a fat, black man with a purple beard and decorative robes. After spending a few pointless moments establishing that yes, this guy is Isapa and the group is here to rescue him on behalf of the king, Isapa creeps, “Haha… well, the king knows what I like. Sending two beautiful women to come save me. I have no use for you men… Now if you’ll just leave us alone for a while…” I thought priests liked little boys, not jailbait girls. Well, you learn something new every day.
Even Pippi is skeptical that this guy is a priest, what with his preferences. Suddenly, Isapa gets a blowjob face and waddles forward (because he’s fat!!!) to ogle Fina. “Oh… aren’t you a pretty one? In all of my years, I have never seen anyone like you,” he speaks to her like she’s a horse or something. Since he is such a connoisseur of women, he even manages to deduce that she’s a Silvite. “I could probably guess that goofy girl’s measurements,” he adds after his spiel. Pippi, since she’s hot for Fina not into fat bald guys who enjoy raping her underage body with their eyes, puts on her angry face and snots, “Okay, that does it… I know we have to bring him back, but the king didn’t say anything about bringing him back conscious.” Vyse points out that they have more important matters to worry about than dirty old perverts, such as getting the fuck out of the mines. Personally, I’d want to neutralize the dirty old pervert factor first, but maybe that’s just me.
Wait, he likes chicks?
This awkwardly segues into another De Loco monologue. He notes that they’ve managed to rescue the pervy priest. “Hehehe! But soon, you will die! You will die a horrible death and you will scream and I will laugh!” he giggles. Okay, I officially can’t hate this guy. Even though he makes Shion seem unrepetitive. The camera gives us a detailed view of a room with a spiked ceiling and numerous blood drops on the floor. Then, we see the door slide back open in the previously guarded chamber where Vyse is. Back in De Loco’s office, he describes what we just saw: “I’ve prepared my favorite room just for you…” Aw, that’s so nice of him.
More giggling and death threats later, we rejoin Vyse in Isapa’s now-vacated cell. He heads out of the room and down the ramp to where certain death awaits him. As for why he and the others don’t just head back to the entrance and wait for Elton to pop open the door…well, I don’t fucking know. If this shit made sense, I’d be out of a job.
De Loco has thoughtfully placed a save point just outside his chamber of horrors. I do the old Heal ‘n’ Save and bravely venture forth to my doom. As they enter the room, poor dumb Pippi says, “I don’t get it. Why would the Valuans build such a huge room in these mines and not use it for anything?” Vyse responds that he doesn’t care to examine this dilemma, he just wants to get the fuck out of here. You and me both, pal.
The camera pulls back to show De Loco staring at the group through a creepy stalker window high in the wall above. He just has windows for everything, doesn’t he? Again, De Loco Sekhmets about Vyse’s upcoming death. Again, De Loco Sekhmets about the terrible damage to his Red Lizard. Again, I wonder if by paying my dues in this life via recapping repetitive shit, I’ll end up in Heaven when I die.
The unveiling of the Spiked Ceiling of Terror goes as you would expect. Step one: Vyse and the others attempt to cross to the other door. Step two: the entrance swings shut. Step three: everyone gasps in surprise. The garnish to this predictability soufflé is a bit more Sekhmetting on the part of De Loco regarding the spiky death of the slaves that attempted to escape. Hence the blood on the floor. Such continuity.
Okay, did not need to know that.
But then it all goes awry! Just as De Loco is about to throw the switch, someone enters the spiky chamber. It’s none other than Fruity, attempting to take care of business as he promised. He flips his hair in triumph as he reminds Vyse that he is Fruity, the gayest of all the admirals. De Loco, meanwhile, is all, “Oh, fucking hell.” For some reason he balks at including Fruity in his death-by-spikes plan.
“Someone of my stature doesn’t deal with filth like yourselves personally,” Fruity snots. “Antonio 2!!! Finish them!!!” At the same time, his voice actor minces, “Dispose of them!” Heh, close enough. Also, his voice actor captures his combination fruitiness and haughtiness perfectly. Kudos to whoever the hell he is.
So Fruity managed to smuggle the second version of his giant beast into the mines. You’d think someone might have noticed that. Antonio 2 comes galumphing into the room, phallic horn and phallic shoulder spikes at the ready. And I don’t really remember the armor detail of Antonio 1, but I imagine the armor of his sequel is even more fabulous. To battle!
PENISES!
Though the strategy guide from GameFAQs recommends that I be at least level 20, I’m just too fucking lazy to go around building levels, especially in this tortoise-speed game. And it’s not like I really need those levels — Antonio 2 really only has one obnoxious multi-character attack and he’s nice enough to let me heal between the assrape sessions. Also, the strategy guide has clued me in to Fina’s special move Lunar Blessing. I tend to forget shit like that when I have months-long breaks between playing, but it’s kind of nice to automatically regenerate 200 HP between turns. Holy shit, Fina is useful for a Mary Sue.
Finally, Antonio 2 has no more HP. But he’s not gone just yet — he has to have the comical death scene where he rears up on his hind legs and falls over on Fruity. Now, I’m sure Fruity wouldn’t mind someone named Antonio lying on top of him, but not so much in this case. De Loco, watching the proceedings, gloats at Fruity’s misfortune. Not that he’s bitter. And by this time, he’s decided that Fruity doesn’t get a reprieve from his evil and crazy plan. It’s shish kabob time for everyone!
De Loco finally throws the switch, but the ceiling only descends about a foot before it shudders to a halt. Pippi’s all, “HURR?” as she looks up at the spikes. Maybe the true purpose of the room is sinking into her brain at last. Then again, probably not. De Loco actually takes this latest setback quite well. I’m kidding of course — he throws a giant screeching fit over his inoperable trap. If only there were someone who could tell us all what just happened. Well, what do you know, there’s De Loco’s VCoE, right on cue. “Someone has tampered with all of the machines in the mines. They are all malfunctioning!” VCoE squeaks. This drives De Loco further into madness, complete with extra punctuation and steam emerging from…somewhere on him. Probably the ass.
Again, his spazzy capering leads to another pass-out as his poor VCoE tries to revive him. Not with mouth-to-mouth, thankfully. It would be rather difficult with that bubble, anyway.
Back in the spiked room with Vyse. A random wizard has teleported Antonio 2 out of there, but Fruity still lies on the ground face-down with his legs spread. If that’s not an opening (heh) for some erotic gay fanfiction, I don’t know what is. Since Vyse is straight, he ignores Fruity and returns to the save point.
Heading through the other door, Vyse encounters the person responsible for saving their asses — look surprised, it’s Elton! “I made a few adjustments to some of the machinery in the mines. Did it help?” he wonders cluelessly. Vyse and Pippi just kind of look at each other, all, “Ohhhhh.” Conveniently, Elton has just now opened the door leading outside, so it looks like my exciting dungeon adventures are over. I think I just shed a tear. “I must hurry back to see my family… They must be terribly worried about me,” Elton grins. Ew.
Poor naïve Fina marvels at how much Elton cares about his family. Vyse and Pippi kiss Elton’s ass as well, telling him he’s such a great guy. Drachma is mentally hiding his face in his hands at this point. Well, Elton did save their asses instead of molesting them, so maybe I’ve got it wrong. Time will tell.
Elton talks like he won’t be riding the Jack with them, so I’m left wondering how he’s planning to get back to Whorteka. I’m not wondering too hard, though, because I have to pick my battles sometimes. And I’m kind of burned out from all the other random nonsense at the moment.
The nearby door leads right back to the beginning walkway with the blue square. Oh, happy day! I’m not even going to attempt to nitpick that one, so relieved am I. Vyse retraces his steps to the Little Jack, noting along the way that the fenced in area with its mine carts and lifts still appears to be operational. It looks like the saving of the Ixa’takans will have to wait for another day.
Because this is where the recap ends. Obviously we’re not done in Ixa’taka — we still have many unanswered questions. Where is the Lost City of Rixis? Is the Green Moon Crystal there? Is De Loco still bitter about the scratches Vyse left on his Red Lizard? Does the Green Gigas look like a giant wang? We’ll find out the answers to these next time. See you in Part 9!