You might want to sit down if you’re not already, because what I’m about to say next might come as a shock — Whorteka is a treetop city. I know, they’re really pushing the boundaries of RPGs all over the freaking place here. The background music sounds like one of those South American groups with drums and pan pipes that you might hear at a local art fair. And in further breaking of all the stereotypes, the Ass Pirates are met by a bunch of tribal-looking individuals wearing masks and carrying spears.
In case we all gave ourselves lobotomies by repeatedly jamming icepicks into our skulls, Pippi helps us out by saying, “Umm… There are a bunch of people wearing masks… And they have spears, too…” The camera pans over these individuals so we can see their naked painted chests and decorative loincloths. Who says they never give us fangirls any service? And yes, that was sarcasm.
Finally, one masked dude wonders, “Are you Quetya?” Vyse pulls a Tidus, so the guy elaborates: “The girl… in the white clothes… is she Quetya?” If “Quetya” is Ixa’takan for “Mary Sue” then yes. “What? Are they talking about me?” Fina tards. No, they’re talking about that girl in the white clothes behind you. Vyse is all, “We’re Ass Pirates, man. You know, from beyond that really annoying tornado-y area.”
Fina. When someone asks you if you’re Quetya, you say YES!
Denied of his Quetya, the Whortekan announces, “You are the same as the other men from the East. It is best if you leave soon.” Well, shit. It looks like Belleza wasn’t lying when she said the Valuans had already reached Ixa’taka. It also looks like Drachma was lying when he said no one ever made it through the South Ocean. Well, that’s assuming that the Valuans didn’t get there some other way. If they did, I am officially pissed. Anyway, the Valuans have already managed to get on the bad side of the locals. So now it’s time for the “Good Guys Must Prove to the Primitive Villagers That They Are Truly Good At Heart” plot device.
Before they get to it, Vyse wonders aloud what the fuck they are talking about with this “Quetya” and “Men from the East” garbage. Now, I don’t blame him for being confused about Quetya, as it’s all meaningless bullshit to me, too. But hello, Vyse, who the fuck do you think they’re talking about? Pippi and Fina are all, “Derpity derp!” These people have the critical thinking skills of an amoeba.
Drachma cuts into this dumbassery by suggesting that they seek out the village leader and get the 411 from him. And yes, I just used the term “get the 411.” I think that means I have to shoot myself or something. Also, the ship has no more fuel. So they’re stuck in Whorteka until they fulfill some necessary plot point. Let’s get going, for chrissakes.
Using his special strategical treasure map, Vyse manages to find his way around the horrendously confusing village. Because he doesn’t want to stray too far from the guidance of the map, he likely misses out on a lot of exciting and informational NPC dialogue. The people he does talk to, however, are all gigantic asshats. Apparently, word of their arrival has already gotten around via the efficient NPC Communication System, so everyone knows these Ass Pirates are on the town’s shit list.
Fine. I don’t want your stupid orange dildo thing anyway.
Vyse makes the mistake of talking to a middle-aged woman with horrifying boobs. They’re oblong, widely-spaced, and flappy. I don’t want everyone in my video games to look like porn stars or anything, but cripes, that’s some scary shit. Vyse briefly considers homosexuality as he runs away in search of the leader’s hut.
Vyse stumbles upon a slightly larger, more decorative hut that must be the leader’s dwelling. Not that Vyse would be able to draw that conclusion on his own — the thing could have a giant neon sign that says “LEADER LIVES HERE” and he’d still need a ten minute cut scene to figure it out.
For some reason, the inn is located inside the leader’s hut as well. I mean, I’m glad there’s an inn and everything, but why in the hell would the elder let some weird-ass people from the east stay in his dwelling? Does not compute.
Then again, the guy doesn’t seem all that…normal. Maybe I’m just being narrowminded about other cultures or something, but the guy’s head looks like a coconut with long purple eyebrows. Said eyebrows have ornaments hanging off the ends. He displays a staggering grasp of the obvious when he notes, “…So you are the ones from the east who people have been talking about.” One Black Screen With No Purpose Whatsoever later, the elder continues, “So, you are from the East. Your people bring disaster. Leave this village immediately.” Yaaaawn. Been there, heard that.
Vyse is at his wit’s end — he demands to know what the fuck is the deal with Quetya and the Men from the East. It turns out that Quetya is God. “Generations ago, when the giant came to destroy us, Quetya appeared and saved our village,” the elder explains. It’s kind of hard to concentrate with all the pinging of my Mary Suedar. I’m not sure why they thought Fina was Quetya if Quetya is a god, not a goddess, but whatever. Mary Sues bend all time and logic to their dastardly attention-whoring purposes.
An anvillicious prophecy states that, “Quetya’s messengers will come from the East and save [them] if [their] land is ever in danger.” The Ass Pirates will save them from Valua and the Green Gigas. Got it. “I understand… and since we came from the East, that is why everyone thinks ‘Quetya’ sent us,” Vyse notes. Except for that part where they decided otherwise and tried to kick your ass out of the village. Pippi wonders about the discrepancy between “Quetya’s messengers = good” and “Men from East = bad.” Hold onto your hats, we’re headed for a huge revelation here.
“Even now, the men from the East are destroying our land. They claim they come from a place called Valua,” the elder explains. Cue horrified and surprised gasp from Pippi. She’s all, “The Valuans are here?!?!?!?!”
Jesus Christ.
Apparently, the Ixa’takans and their king thought that the Valuans were messengers from God, so they provided the Valuans with Moon Stones (a.k.a. “Glow Rocks”) at their request. But then the burning began. The Valuans took over the “Sacred Mountain” with the Glow Rocks and all sorts of shit went down. The Ixa’takans all died or became slaves. Well, except for the people in Whorteka, who seem to be fine and free. But it was really bad!
Pippi comments that the Valuans suck ass for making weapons out of Moon Stones…and doing all that other stuff. “So that’s why everyone is so against the ‘Men from the East’,” Vyse says. Good lord, someone give him a cookie.
Vyse decides he must take matters into his own hands. He approaches the elder and gets down on one knee like he’s about to propose to the geezer. Then he begs the old guy to trust them, because they’re not terrible evil bad guys like those mean Valuans. “We fight against Valua so they can’t hurt people…” he explains. He goes on about needing the Moon Crystal, which I’m sure really comes across great when he’s trying to prove he’s not like those other assholes who just waltzed in and started demanding stuff.
When the elder says nothing, Drachma tells Vyse to give it up and stop being a weenie. But this is Vyse, defender of the little people and overall awesome and righteous guy. Vyse, his character model’s facial expression set to “determined,” continues to insist that he’s not a fucking liar. We get a fabulous close-up shot of the elder’s ginormous purple eyebrows as he ponders this plea. After several very tense seconds, the elder relents and says, “…If you fly north from this village, you’ll see a small hut in the middle of the forest. That is where our king is hiding.” Well, thank God the pussy-ass king is safe while his people are sent away to be slaves, the butthole. The elder continues, “The kings of our land have always passed down the Sacred Green Stone from generation to generation. This may be the stone that you seek.” Oh, to be a renegade game designer and suggest in the story planning sessions that it be an entirely different stone. But alas, nothing that creative shall take place.
Now you may be wondering just what made the wise elder trust Vyse in spite of his origins. Was it his fabulous brown hair? His snazzy pirate coat? His man hands? His firm ass? Nope, it’s even more surprising than that. It was Vyse’s “pure” eyes that spoke of his trustworthiness and upstanding character. If only it were one of those other things. I mean, don’t tell me you wouldn’t be thrilled if RPG characters started using the ass as a morality gauge.
I’m having terrible dreams about your boobs, lady. It’s called a bra.
The elder entreats Vyse to solve all the problems involving the Valuans’ asshattery. This is totally up Vyse’s alley and of course everyone else is gung ho about this as well. With one more promise by Vyse that he won’t fuck this up, we’re off to right all the wrongs in the world. With a penis.
Then how did I just buy all that stuff from you?
But first we have to fuel the penis. You might think that an isolated jungle village wouldn’t have any ship supplies, especially since the Valuans have apparently raped the land out of any and all Moon Stones. But you would be wrong. Luckily for Vyse, but unluckily for the poor saps in question, there’s a crash-landed ship on one side of the island. At the entrance to the area, a group of unattended children stand around, two of them bending and straightening their legs repeatedly. Somewhere, Seymour’s head just exploded. Near the ramp up to the downed ship, a woman notices that Vyse and the others don’t look like the rest of the tribal savages, so they must have come from that asstacular South Ocean. As if the haunted looks on their faces couldn’t tell her that. Also, I guess the children aren’t unattended after all, which must be a first in an RPG.
On the deck of the unfortunate ship, Vyse finds a young man who would fit right in with the Suikoden cast. Apart from the huge feminine eyes and floppy brown hair, he’s also wearing a pink sleeveless shirt and bluish-black vest. Yeah. As this individual also notes that Vyse and the others must have endured the brutal ordeal of crossing the South Ocean, the camera pulls back to show that he’s wearing culottes. Well, they’re probably more toward the knee-length shorts end of the spectrum, but “shorts” didn’t quite convey the gayness of the outfit.