The crew decides to get the hell away from Recummin and his bukkake obsession. Escaping from a world-destroying Gigas is easy — they just have to fly a short distance away! Back on the bridge, Vyse and Drachma again establish that nothing has worked to stop Recummin thus far. Since the guys have all their brainpower concentrated on repeating every single obvious plot point, it’s up to Pippi and Fina to figure out a plan. “Gigas don’t make their own decisions, they only obey commands given to them by the ones who awaken them,” Fina reminds everyone. “Until Belleza commands it to stop, there’s nothing we can do…” This gives Pippi an idea and she announces to Vyse that she knows just what to do. And then I get a choice — “You mean, make Belleza my bitch?” or “You mean, ram into the Gigas?” I didn’t even have to change that second one. On his own, Vyse would be stupid enough to try the ramming again, but now my brainpower is at work here, and that’s a slight improvement. So the bitch-making of Belleza shall commence. The theory is that they can attack her and force her to call off the Gigas. This is why Belleza should, I don’t know, stay in the vicinity of the Gigas so they can’t get close to her. God, everyone in this game is stupid.
After some pre-battle pep talkin’, the next ship battle gets underway. It takes place over…the Temple of Pyrynn. Wait, where’s the damn Gigas? Maybe I’m not being fair to Belleza and it’s the Gigas that’s a useless piece of shit. Either way, Recummin has absolutely nothing to do with this battle. Hey, look over there!
Loading ...The Lynx itself is, of course, pink. Because its captain is a woman, get it? And chicks love pink! We get a close-up of some cannons, and then a pair of round turrets on the deck of the ship. Hey, wait a minute — those look like boobs. Could this be the one object shaped like female body parts? Oh, but then the camera pulls all the way out and we see that the Lynx is shaped like a giant wang. False alarm, people — it’s a penis. I repeat: false alarm. The turrets were, in fact, the testicles. I’m not sure I want to know what this says about Belleza.
PENIS!
Belleza’s a lot prouder of her giant penis than she was about her WhoreShip, wherever the hell that ended up (my guess — Squeifer). “Now, I will show you the true power of the Imperial Armada! My Magic Cannon will take care of that little ship of yours!” Belleza blusters. I’m sure I will be shown the true power of the Imperial Armada about twenty zillion times before this game is over, in increasingly more difficult battles, so pardon me if I’m not particularly intimidated at this point.
Unfortunately, I die. So much for my big words. The Little Jack’s equipment isn’t particularly up to date because Drachma is always off hiring hookers and not visiting the ship part vendors. It has nothing to do with the fact that I suck — don’t be silly. Luckily, the game designers have done something that makes me hate those penis-obsessed bastards a little less. They let me continue from the start of the battle with the Lynx. I don’t have to fight the previous penis(es) over again, hooray!
Some standard fighting takes place with the Little Jack storing up for the Harpoon Cannon and the Lynx violating the Little Jack in every orifice. Repeatedly. And liking it. Also, since we’re on the rare subject of penises, that damn thing is so anatomically correct, I’m surprised this game didn’t get a mature rating. It boggles my mind that anti-VGR fanboys can scoff at my supposedly-overactive wangdar. I can only assume that they’ve never seen a penis in their lives, not even the guys. And that’s sad.
After the Lynx has pounded the Little Jack and shot its torpedoes all over it, the crew decides it’s time for some different tactics. I can either try to get behind Belleza’s schlong or turn around suddenly in an attempt to “catch her off guard.” Although the first one might be interesting since I’m sure Belleza’s ship is not used to being the one in front (if you follow me), a dong that big probably can’t maneuver that easily. So the second choice it is!
Belleza is impressed with the Little Jack’s moves, because it’s not always the size that matters, but she announces that she has a backup plan. I’m not sure what this special plan is, as it seems like she’s just using all the same attacks. I suppose that once you get a penis of that size, there’s not much you can do with it except use brute force.
Vyse the Sexually Inept.
Still unsuccessful at putting even the smallest dent in Belleza’s penis, the crew of the Little Jack needs to try a Plan C. The only thing that can save them now is their own Super Penis. So this time, they decide to get behind the Lynx and make it a man woman man.
A shot of the Lynx that makes it look like it’s slanting a bit upwards accompanies some exposition from Belleza’s Vice Captain. This could be what Quartz Falcon has been looking for — the next member of the Exposition family. After the tragic death of his brother, this particular Vice Captain of Exposition can only find meaning in his life by continuing the family business. “Lady Belleza, the enemy vessel is trying to circle around us at what appears to be their top speed!” he announces for Belleza’s benefit, since we already know this shit. Belleza determines that they are trying to turn the tables on her dominant penis, and is not about to let that happen. To that end, she flies all over the place. It didn’t look much different to me, but Pippi throws a tantrum over it, saying, “Why won’t she just sit still like everyone else does?! How does she expect us to hit her with the Harpoon Cannon like this?!” See, it’s funny because Pippi thinks Belleza should just roll over and take it.
‘We’ll not act like complete dumbasses!’
No matter whether I choose to head upward or stop the Little Jack in its tracks, I still get to shoot the damn harpoon. The only difference is whether or not I leave myself open for an attack. Well, the walkthrough tells me to do the one where that happens, so heading upward it is. Vyse’s justification for essentially bending over in front of Belleza is that she’ll never expect it. Oh, I’m sure she does expect that. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter, as the Harpoon Cannon takes Belleza out before she has a chance to do her big attack. It shoots directly into a small circular depression on the back of her ship. I think I feel a little less innocent after watching that.
Back on the bridge of the Little Jack, Vyse orders Pippi to make the deal with Belleza via signals. In other words, there’s more where that came from if she doesn’t unsummon Recummin. Drachma gets all pessimistic, perhaps thinking that Belleza might have enjoyed the rough treatment, but Vyse disagrees. Although he thinks it’s because she wants to save her crew rather than because she doesn’t want a little ship-on-ship action. There’s a close-up on Fina, hands clasped together, fervently praying for the outcome. No swishy bishounen spears her through the gut, but we see Recummin sinking its length back into the sand. Belleza has not only given into their demands, but her penis needs to make an emergency landing.
Some sand blows forlornly over the tip of one of Recummin’s heads as it sticks out of the sand, and black smoke rises from various places along the length of the Lynx. Not a good day to be a wang. Fina holds the Moon Crystal high above her head, as the game designers hope to God that no one questions how she got it. Because the pedestal is still buried beneath the blowing sands. But yay, the Moon Crystal — and also the Red Gigas — is in the hands of the good guys now.
Gay pride!
Belleza is still cocky in her defeat, pulling out all that clichéd crap about winning the battle vs. the war, blah blah blah. “The Valuan Armada never makes the same mistake twice. You shall not defeat us again,” she announces after reminding them that they have five more fetch quests to complete. Yeah, I’m sure the Armada will win every single battle from here until the end of the game. Vyse blusters in return that he won’t make the same mistake of “underestimating” Belleza. Right. She could show up with a fake mustache and glasses next time and Vyse would totally fall for it. In fact, right after saying this, he asks Fina about their next destination. In front of Belleza. Dumbass.
According to Fina, they should head toward the land under the Green Moon, which is located to the southwest. “Really?! There’s a continent on the other side of the South Ocean?!” Vyse shits himself, like holy crap, there’s another continent under another moon. I thought the Crystal would just be randomly floating through the air. And Fina makes sure to mention that the Crystal that awaits them on the continent under the Green Moon is — wait for it — the Green Crystal. I think I just expired from the shock, but I will keep on recapping.
Belleza, hearing this entire “private” conversation, informs us that the correct name for the area is “Ixa’taka” and the Valuan soldiers have beaten them there, so nyah. Not only that, but the South Ocean is super dangerous with its scary winds, so the Little Jack may not be man enough for the job. “No need to worry about that,” Drachma comments. “We’re takin’ your ship’s engine. With that much [penis] power, we can get across South Ocean in no time.” Belleza’s all, “Fuck! How the hell will I get back?” Pippi informs her that it’s a penis for a penis — in other words, this is payback for Belleza’s little trick. I’m not sure how her trick qualifies as a penis in my little metaphor, but it sounded more appropriate to the situation than “an eye for an eye.” Incidentally, Belleza will be hoofing it back to the nearest town. “What was that saying? ‘Only those who have walked through the desert can truly know its size,'” Pippi giggles. Ooh, she used Belleza’s own statement against her. Burn.
Belleza takes this in good humor. “I never actually thought I would truly know the size of the desert,” she smiles. I know there’s still a good penis joke in there somewhere, but I think I’ve probably reached my limit for this recap. Just kidding! As Vyse and the others head back to their ship, Belleza is all business again. She lists the reasons why this next trip will be all perilous and shit, and then tells Vyse he doesn’t have to go through with it. Now, this may seem like something the game designers threw in to be all wanksty and romantic, but this is Skies of Arcadia, so that means it’s actually a lead-in to another “heroic” speech from Vyse. Flanked by his two chicks, he wanks, “Real sailors aren’t afraid of the unknown. I want to see the world… I’m not going to rest until I’ve left my mark on it, and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way.” You know, I could probably have copied and pasted one of the many speeches I’ve already recapped and saved myself the trouble of typing that shit out for the fiftieth time. But I guess I’m just a masochist at heart.
Belleza figures he’s just a “rash and impulsive” teenager, rather than being impressed with him, but then she expresses an interest in meeting again. I’m still confused over whether she wants him or not. On one hand, RPG hero. On the other hand, Vyse’s penis might be a little too large for her taste. And that’s more foreshadowing!
Some penisy shots of the Little Jack are accompanied by “We Kicked Some Ass and Our Ship Looks Like a Wang in D major.” The random text interrupts this stirring scene to inform me that I received the Red Moon Crystal. Is it possible for obviousness to be painful? Because my brain hurts.
The Little Jack floats in front of the Temple, as we get visual confirmation that the Gigas activation pedestal is, in fact, no more. So even if Valua did get the Red Moon Crystal back in some completely unprecedented plot twist in the future, would they even be able to do anything with it? I guess that’s when it’s handy to keep a wizard around. So we’ll just assume that the Valuan Armada has its own wizard for these exact purposes.
Drachma announces that they jacked a Magic Cannon off of Belleza’s penis ship. This excites Pippi beyond belief, as now they will be able to fire magical cannonballs, just like Belleza. “We should really put this thing to good use!” Pippi squeals. I really don’t want to know. Of course this new cannon is not to be found on the ship menu, so here’s hoping it’s automagically equipped.
This is one of the most awesome stopping points ever, as flying through the South Ocean sucks unspeakable amounts of ass. Hopefully the vast number of penises in this recap will be able to tide you over until next time. PENIS!