I do kind of feel sorry for Cumby when it flips its shit and starts clutching its head in pain, because I feel the exact same way when recapping this game. But De Loco is totally getting off on this, as he giggles and Sekhmets, “So close!! It looks like there is still some fine tuning to be done.” You think? Of course, with my luck, he means that his Moon Stone Cannon is just a wee bit too harsh and needs to be toned down, perhaps by playing some soothing music or wafting some scented candles toward its target.

From De Loco’s next few statements, it seems that he has an ulterior motive for fucking with King Dickcheese and his summoned abomination. He’s actually hoping to take advantage of Vyse’s annoying goody-two-shoes hero complex and lure him into a trap. “Wait till you feel the power of my Moon Stone Cannon! You should feel honored that you are helping me test out my greatest creation ever!” De Loco screams at Vyse, who still can’t hear him. I love how he makes this sound completely threatening, when the worst injury Vyse could possibly incur is a crick in his neck from falling asleep on the wooden ship deck.

De Loco maneuvers his ship to a point directly in front of the raging Cumby, where even Vyse and his band of merry retards can’t miss him. “It looks like we’ll have to get past De Loco first. Look out for that cannon,” Drachma warns, unaware of the danger they’re not in. I also love how he thinks that they need to take out the tiny ship in order to get to the huge fucking green thing. Even Drachma, the smartest member of the party, is not immune to the power of the stupid.

The second battle begins with some pre-battle smacktalk from De Loco, like anyone can even hear him besides me. Drachma basically warns Vyse that De Loco is trying to jam his big phallic ship up their ass. “Vyse! Just make sure to watch out for that big cannon that he fired at [King Dickcheese]! One hit of that and we’re dead!” Pippi freaks. I guess I can’t really fault her for assuming that, since she and the others are not privy to the fact that King Dickcheese survived the Fluffy Bunny cannon. And now I’m pissed all over again because of that.

I fast forward through the majority of the battle, which makes me realize just how much more exciting it is at double speed. It almost looks as if there’s some sort of urgency to it. After much shooting of phallic things at phallic things, De Loco stops his ship in mid-thrust and orders a big burst of Fluffy Bunny cannon right in Vyse’s face. This sudden pause freaks out the crew of the Little Jack, because they expect something terrifying. Drachma gives Vyse a choice — he can go on the offensive which will also open him up to a rape-a-thon, or he can be a total pussy and protect himself from the imminent face full of jizz. Vyse is not afraid of a little assrape, so it’s pounding time! The Little Jack gets in a few good hits with its shitty cannons and manages to avoid the brunt of the Fluffy Bunny cannon using a well-timed (for once!) evasive maneuver. Don’t get me wrong — the NC-17 moneyshot animation still looks exactly the same as it would otherwise. It just doesn’t lower my ship’s life bar as much.

Somehow, Pippi determines that firing that giant, porn-star-sized cannon took a lot out of De Loco, which is why the Red Lizard is just sitting there, smoking a cigarette. Time for some hot Harpoon Cannon right up the Red Lizard’s butt. And this animation never loses its comedy value, either. After a couple more rounds, De Loco finds, to his dismay, that the Red Lizard, uh, is in need of a little Viagra. That is, it needs some more recovery time before the Fluffy Bunny cannon is fully functional. The Little Jack is a nice guy, so I’m certain he would assure the Red Lizard that it happens to everyone and it’s not a big deal.

But that is not enough for De Loco. Feeling very unmasculine, he is not ready to accept the limitations of his ship. Using enough excess punctuation to make him an honorary Suikoden character, he orders his reluctant Vice Captain of Exposition to fluff the ship harder and get that cannon shooting again. This can only end badly. Sure enough, when the VCoE gets the Red Lizard into working condition, the Fluffy Bunny cannon lives up to its non-threatening name and does about as much damage as a Nerf ball. I can only imagine how inadequate the Red Lizard feels when its dinky opponent gives it a thorough blast right up the rectum in the next round. Humiliated, the Red Lizard plunges toward the forest, its ass trailing fire and black smoke.

De Loco screams like a little girl as he predictably reacts to his second defeat at the hands, er, Harpoon Cannon of Vyse. After giving himself an aneurysm and passing out, his VCoE rubs his greasy hands all over De Loco’s bubble and orders a retreat back to Valua. But it’s too late! The ship is way too damaged and it plummets to its destruction. Just kidding! The plot has not yet called for De Loco to croak, so despite the terrible damage to his ship, he presumably makes it back home safe and sound.

Now that the Valuans are out of the way for now, the crew of the Little Jack gets to deal with the raging green nightmare, Cumby. Vyse wonders how one dinky ship can defeat something that downed a Valuan vessel in one punch, not to mention went on a rampage for generations and required the Silvites and their superior powers to return and seal it away. Luckily for him, Drachma has a solution: knock Cumby into a nearby canyon. “No matter how strong that thing is, if it falls into the canyon, it will be stuck,” he pulls out of his ass. No, really, that’s his idea. Because Drachma is the most intelligent member of the party, no one has the mental capacity to wonder about the logistical issues or assumptions inherent in this plan. All they have to do, according to Drachma, is wait for Cumby to amble on over to the canyon and then sodomize him with a harpoon. I’m not even sure if it’s the knocking down part that is supposed to disable the Gigas or if Drachma’s hoping that Cumby will fall down just so and end up wedged in the canyon like a thong in an asscrack. Both options are fairly nonsensical, actually, so I’m not sure why it matters.

Cumby’s still in the midst of his game-designer-sized bad drug trip when the battle starts. The music here is a lot more epic than the fight really warrants. Even with a “plan,” I’m fairly sure the battle will still last several rounds. After all, Cumby’s not next to the canyon yet. Drachma confirms my suspicion by coming up with yet another plan to tide them over until then. This is, in a nutshell, “Pointlessly shoot cannons at Cumby while avoiding death.” He even comes right out and says that the Little Jack’s weapons won’t really do shit against Cumby. This sounds like it will be the battle of the ages.

Recummin had its fiery bukkake beam, but Cumby must have been absent on the day they handed out Gigas powers. Seriously, all it can do is punch the ship and throw boulders at it, like an oversized roid raging weightlifter. Maybe Cumby’s anger is a result of his failure to win that coveted four-foot trophy. Of course, its punching attack is called “Fist of [Cumby]” which…yeah, being fisted by Cumby probably counts as a fearsome attack.

After the first round, Drachma admits he’s all talk and really has no clue what to do. I don’t know — maybe sit back and wait until the Gigas is in the right position? Let me rephrase that — until the Gigas is poised over the crack. God damn it. My point is that maybe pissing off the Gigas is not necessary if you’re just planning to knock it into the canyon once it gets close enough. No one listens to me, so I’m presented with a stupid choice: attack Cumby’s head or its legs. I go for the legs. “They’re holding up that huge body, so maybe they’re its weak point,” Vyse tards, like the legs aren’t plenty muscular enough to support Cumby’s body. That Mary Sue author isn’t going to give him twiggy stump legs after all.

The Little Jack gets stomped by those weak, flimsy legs and then survives another perfectly aimed boulder throw. It actually sounds somewhat exciting when I type it out. Somehow I manage to earn the opportunity to use the Harpoon Cannon. I’m not sure if I actually did something or if it’s totally random. Unfortunately for the humor value of the scene, the harpoon hits Cumby directly in the center of its back and not up its buttcrack, which would have been hilarious. What is hilarious is that in the attack animation, Cumby is standing directly in front of the canyon. After the attack, Cumby is standing nowhere near the canyon. Either the game designers were lazy with their animation, or Drachma’s canyon idea was a huge flop. It could really be either.

Eventually, Vyse chooses to keep on chipping away at Cumby rather than repairing the ship. This earns me yet another Harpoon Cannon turn. The game designers use the same animation as before with the same results. Those God damn teases. Randomly, Cumby starts tripping balls hard enough to capture the attention of the Tard Brigade, wandering around clutching its head in agony like it was just forced to watch the FFX Pond Scene. As if we haven’t been through this explanation already, Drachma feels the need to repeat his whole plan: “If we attack it now, we might be able to knock it off balance. And if we can hit it hard enough, we might be able to knock it over into that valley behind it. That should hold it for a while.” OHHHHHHHHHHH. I love how this reiteration of the plan still sounds like it was totally made up on the spot. And I also guess that means it’s the wedgie option.

Two seconds later, Drachma screams at Vyse to hurry up and fire the God damn Harpoon Cannon already. Jesus, give him a chance to push the fucking button! And then the command screen comes up without a Harpoon Cannon option. This is freaking confusing. After a whole round of repetitive crap, I finally get the chance to use the stupid cannon. Don’t ask me why I get it now. Oh recapping games, how I’ve missed your nonsensical bullshit.

Speaking of which, the Harpoon Cannon animation and camera angles are exactly the same as the last two times. This means that for the third damn time, Cumby gets speared right in the spinal cord while standing near the canyon. But this time it’s for real! I feel kind of cheated here, like they rushed this whole battle. They really should have added a few more pointless rounds, maybe with some more instructions from Drachma as well as that stock footage of the Harpoon Cannon shot. How am I supposed to become immersed in the game if they blast through it so quickly?

Okay, enough of that. Cumby, its torso still intact despite the three-time harpoon piercing, flails around while emitting green smoke. It might as well be color-coordinated even in its death throes. The Gigas comically tumbles into the river like a drunken recapper, sending up a large spray of river water. We don’t see it once it falls over the canyon edge, but it’s pretty obvious that it’s not exactly a tight fit for Cumby in there. Hotdog down a hallway comes to mind. So if it’s not squeezed in there like Yuna’s face in Lulu’s cleavage, then why did they need to knock it in there? Is Cumby allergic to water?

I really need to stop thinking about this. I can’t afford the medication that will make it all better. Vyse celebrates the “success” of the “plan,” which prompts Drachma to say, “Now is our chance to grab the Green Moon Crystal and send that thing back to where it came from!” Um, if you say so. The game designers conveniently skipped this part, so I don’t know where exactly they get the Moon Crystal. Is it somewhere on Cumby? Back in the hidden forest pedestal? Up King Dickcheese’s ass like I previously thought? Wherever the elusive Green Moon Crystal is, Vyse and the others presumably retrieve it because the scene immediately cuts to King Dickcheese’s hideout where the bastard himself sits wearing his stupid hat with his stupid robed bitches and stupid pedo priest Isapa standing nearby. Wait, I thought I saw Cumby destroy that horrible little wanker shack — I guess that must have been some other small floating island, damn it. Also, why is King Dickcheese hanging out here when it’s safe to go back to his usual residence — wherever that is?

More important than any of those nitpicks is the fact that everyone is all buddy-buddy in this scene, grinning like a bunch of douchebags at each other even though Vyse should rightfully provide King Dickcheese with the ball-kicking of a lifetime. Oh, but the king has learned the error of his ways, which he demonstrates by verbally fellating Vyse like he’s getting paid for it. “With great power, you need great responsibility. The Gigas are far too dangerous,” Vyse wanks. And now Vyse is ripping off Spiderman, along with the other stuff he’s already ripped off like fortune cookie sayings and motivational posters. King Dickcheese decides that Vyse, by saving shithole Ixa’taka, is worthy of the “Sacred Green Stone.” Wow, thanks for giving me something I already had. Ass. The camera cuts to Fina holding the Green Moon Crystal, sparkling like it belongs in a gay disco.

There’s more nauseating asshattery about believing in Vyse and restoring peace that I won’t bother to recap. Isapa exposits that the Valuans have all run off like little bitches, opening the Iron Net along the way. The Iron Net, naturally, is an iron net that once blocked Ixa’taka from the north, forcing me to travel through those godawful Tidusy Tornados. The good news is that with the net gone, I never have to travel through that hell dimension again. Small favors, I guess. Why do I still feel so traumatized?

Now that the Valuans are highly pissed and on the alert for any crystal-stealing Ass Pirates, Vyse figures it would be an ideal time to retrieve the Yellow Moon Crystal from Valua. Idiot. “Sounds dangerous… perhaps you ladies would like to stay behind here in Ixa’taka,” Isapa leers before proceeding to lie about Ixa’taka’s non-existent romantic features. This is the classic choice between “giant douche” and “turd sandwich.” As if Pippi’s life wasn’t bad enough after that gross proposition, Vyse takes the opportunity to rip on Pippi’s fear of ghosts. Everyone, including the Ixa’takan jerks that I hate, laughs like a bunch of epic dickholes at Pippi’s expense. I’m so depressed right now.

And that’s my cue to end this recap while I still have some of my sanity and alcohol left. Next time, Vyse will meet at least one closeted gay man. And there’s also some plot-related stuff, I guess. See you next time, which will hopefully be before I hit puberty!