We wouldn’t want to forget about the Valuans in this whole mess, so the camera switches over to a ship that — according to the Special Ship-Labeling Text Box — is called The Cygnus. Do I even need to tell you what it looks like? Come on people, you know the drill! Like the other ships we’ve seen, this one is long and hard, with two engines hanging just below it. Although it belongs to Fruity, the ship is not pink or flowery, or even endowed with a naked male figurehead. But it does have some decorative designs underneath one of the extra phallic protrusions at the tip.
In the interest of full disclosure, I will add that both Sam and I were unable to come up with a suitable nickname for this vessel. I know I didn’t bother to rename the Lynx, but that one belonged to an icky girl, so it just wasn’t worth the effort. Surely, Fruity’s airship deserves a special homosexual name. The “nus” part of “Cygnus” naturally lends itself to “Anus” or even “Penis,” but those don’t have any sparkle. Another possibility was “Schlongnus,” which seemed to be stretching it a bit, even for VGR. Maybe, like the other renamed ships, I could use the actual meaning of the name to come up with something amusing. “Cygnus” means “Swan” after all, and you can’t tell me swans are masculine. Even that didn’t strike any creative (or at least inappropriate) parts of my brain.
Once again, I have failed as a recapper. I can only offer you my deepest apologies.
Well, I’m sure someone will post a super awesome name on the forums and put me to shame. I can hardly wait.
Anyway, Fruity is standing on the bridge of his Fruitymobile, smirking as he watches all this shit go down. “Look… Over there! So, King [Dickcheese] was hiding the Crystal from us after all,” he says. Oh, bullshit. I mean, he’s right, but all he can see is a big green light beam penetrating the clouds — he can’t see who’s responsible. Fruity Sekhmets that he just needs to nab the Green Moon Crystal from that retarded king and Saddam will think he has the biggest penis ever. I would actually like to see this happen. No, not the penis thing — the part about getting the crystal away from the king. Because I’m hoping that at some point it will be used to destroy this sad excuse for a kingdom. Not that I’m bitter.
The New Vice Caption of Exposition kisses Fruity’s ass, but ruins everything for himself when he adds, “Oh, and I heard that you were injured in the mines. Are you alright, sir?” Clearly he’s hoping that he’ll get to rub some salve into Fruity’s wounds, but Fruity lashes out in humiliation over the mine incident. He even stamps his foot and swishes his hand as he crushes poor NVCoE’s sexy dreams (for now). Gesturing dramatically, Fruity orders his ships to follow the Fruitymobile toward the green jizz beam to find King Dickcheese. They do.
But oh noes! At that very moment, the light beam widens and masses of boulders fly up out of the forest, causing no damage whatsoever to the texture-mapped trees. Soon, a very disturbing green thing also rises from the forest. This is, obviously, Grendel the Green Gigas.
I’m not sure I have the literary skills to describe the fucked up design of Grendel, but you know that won’t stop me from trying. Grendel, unlike Recummin, is mostly humanoid. It walks on two legs, has two arms, and a head. Well, sort of a head. The whole thing is bright day-glo green, like a St. Patrick’s day float threw up all over it. Although it has the overly-muscled arms of a trophy-winning weightlifter, Grendel’s body must have at one point lost an argument with a steamroller. At the top of its flat body is a tube. I don’t know how else to put it. Attached to the front wall of the tube is a nice set of green pecs and a head containing a single red eye. Sticking straight up from the back of the tube is a phallic protrusion. The protrusion combined with the tube can only mean that Grendel is a very confused Gigas. Although…okay, I’m just going to say it. Grendel has a little hangy-down thingy in its crotch that looks a lot like Cartman’s wiener in that ninja weapons episode of South Park. I regret writing that not to mention thinking that.
It’s kind of sad that the Gigas that resembled a walking bukkake party was less nightmarish in comparison.
When I first saw Grendel in this playthrough, I had this sudden flash of insight as to what it resembles. And that thought was so disturbing and squickworthy, I just knew I had to share it with you guys. You’re welcome!
Sometimes when I have friends over, we sit in front of the computer and page through sites like fanfiction.net and adultfanfiction.net, looking for the most brain-scarring Mary Sue fanfic we can find, because we have trainwreck syndrome. After weeding through the masses of boring vanilla Mary Sue stories about Legolas and Sephiroth and Harry Potter, sometimes we’ll stumble upon a real gem of a Sue — like ones who want to have sex with Pyramid Head or Gollum. These are the ones that cause us to simultaneously cover our eyes in horror, weep for humanity, and laugh our asses off. The moral of the story is no matter how sexually unappealing the character, someone will have created an entire universe where their alter ego has sex with him or her — most often him. And sometimes it doesn’t stop at that author. I’ve seen cases where Mary Sue writers manage to amass fanart of their abominations drawn by sometimes shockingly talented artists.
Yeah.
This is where Grendel comes in. When I recorded the footage of this part, my first impression was that some very sick fangirl had fixated upon Gumby as her fictional love interest. But it wasn’t enough to simply enjoy Gumby in his original green, bendy, clayanimated form — no, this fangirl had to sexify Gumby by giving him the physique of a professional bodybuilder. The rendering of this fantasy by a fanartist resulted in Grendel. Now, I realize this doesn’t account for the oddly vaginal body tube or the weird phallic thing on its back or the fact that Grendel’s design doesn’t include a four-foot throbbing cock, but I’m just telling you what popped into my head. I’m sure you’ll never be able to play or think about this game in the same way again. Hey, last I checked, no one held a gun to your head and made you read beyond the part where I said this came from my scary brain.
The good news is that now we have some nickname fodder. Grendel is now named Cumby, which you can think of as an erotic Gumby. And as Sam pointed out, Gumby’s best friend is Pokey, so it all works out.
Loading ...For the four of you who haven’t hit the back button on your browsers, let’s continue! Cumby’s feelings are hurt by the armada ships blasting him in the ass with explosive projectiles, so his single red eye lights up and he punches the shit out of one of the ships with his impressive fists. The ship, flaming harder than a Phoenix Wright cast party, plummets into the forest. I admit, I fully expected that the game designers would succumb to their usual laziness and neglect to follow up on the fiery aftermath that should rightfully burn the forest to ashes. To my great surprise and delight, the landscape does erupt in flames, which is fitting since Ixa’taka is my personal hell. And I don’t feel any burning need — GET IT?! — to save this place from its well-deserved fate. Of course the flames eventually die down except for the spot where the ship crashed, but sometimes a single moment of joy is all I can ask for.
Cumby stands in place and roars dramatically a few times. This frightening display combined with the airship crash causes Fruity to order his men to haul ass back to Valua. NVCoE wonders why Fruity’s being such a wuss when they’ve barely even started fighting Cumby. Fruity’s all, “Fuck you, I’m the captain, this place sucks ass, let’s go!” Yes, he’s a total coward, but I can’t find fault with any of his statements here.
Vyse and the others continue to watch the raging Gigas from their vantage point. Fina wonders what King Dickcheese had in mind when he summoned Cumby. “Don’t they understand that the entire Valuan Armada will retaliate against them?” I’m not sure who the dumb one is here — Fina or the king. I mean, this isn’t exactly the most sophisticated plan in the universe — it should be fairly obvious to everyone, including small children and dogs, why someone would want to control a supposedly mighty weapon. Plus, isn’t Fina the one who freaks out every two seconds over the awesome, breathtaking power of the Gigas? If that’s what she believes, doesn’t she think it could easily handle a group of phallic ships a fraction of its size? Whatever, it’s not my problem.
Unfortunately, Vyse thinks it is my problem, which is why I would prefer that he die in a horrible and prolonged manner. The fifty millionth black screen in the last two minutes gives me control of Vyse, so I save and head to the Little Jack like I’m supposed to. I feel like such a tool of the game designers. Of course it’s not like I have any sort of choice here — no matter how much time I waste standing around the ruins with my thumb up my butt, Cumby won’t raze the land of Ixa’taka to the ground. Fucking useless.
As soon as Vyse steps onto one of the floating platforms, the actions switches yet again, this time to show Cumby stomping around the (now fireless) forest like a herd of elephants. We get our first view of King Dickcheese’s personal phallic mode of transportation, the Dickship. It has a throne sitting on the top of it, all conspicuous-like, and KD sits on that throne while his attendants and Isapa have to fucking stand. What a douche. “Sacred Giant! Destroy our enemies… Chase them from our lands forever!” His Asshat Majesty shrieks unnecessarily. I’m not sure what the rules are regarding the Moon Crystals and how possession of them is determined, but the king is very clearly not holding the green one. In fact, it is not visible on the screen at all. I therefore have to conclude that the king is hiding it up his ass, which probably isn’t all that difficult for him, since he’s used to having his head up there.
That essential five-second scene finishes, and we get to catch up with our good friend De Loco and his Red Lizard with the flamethrower attachment. Wait, didn’t I personally bust that thing up not too long ago? Does anything I do in this game actually stick? Sometime between the aforementioned battle and now, De Loco managed to equip his ship with an “experimental Moon Stone Cannon.” How very convenient for him. It makes me wonder why he threw the world’s biggest hissy over Vyse’s rough handling of the Red Lizard when it took him a matter of hours to fit it with a (supposedly) bigger, badder weapon. Okay, I don’t really wonder — I know he’s an overreactive drama queen.
But not a dumb one, which makes him stand out in this game full of retards. De Loco knows that no matter how phallic his shiny new cannon, it will be as useless as Twink’s dick in a barrel full of ladies against Cumby. Luckily for him, King Dickcheese, the controller of the Gigas, is currently flying around in an unprotected ship, his horrible crimes against fashion the equivalent of a neon sign flashing, “Please shoot me!” You don’t have to ask me (or De Loco) twice.
Yeah, you wish, game designers.
Although De Loco’s Flaming Cannon was attached to his Red Lizard by a mechanical arm, the Moon Stone Cannon…well, it’s white and it bursts forth directly from the ship’s, uh, tip. Even I, a desensitized recapper, have a “holy crap, that’s phallic” moment while watching this rather impressive ejaculation. At first, the effects of the cannon seem promising, as there’s a whole lot of bright light and screaming from the Ixa’takan airship. To my great chagrin, however, it appears that someone swapped the experimental Moon Stone Cannon with the Fluffy Bunny Sleepytime Lullaby Cannon. The ship and its crew remain completely undamaged, except that King Dickcheese and his two attendants have passed out. Since KD’s responsible for controlling the Gigas, this is supposedly a Bad Thing. Isapa, still conscious for some reason, shakes the king’s limp body and monologues that, “Until he wakes up, [Cumby’s] going to destroy everything in its path!” I’ll take his word for it, since I’m no expert in the nuances and etiquette of Gigas controlling. The Dickship putters away, suddenly trailing black smoke out of its ass. So the ship was damaged from that beam, and His Royal Douchitude didn’t even get horribly maimed, let alone killed? I feel very cheated.
It takes an eternity for Cumby to go berserk, and until then, I’m treated to several tense moments of watching its hands twitch. Much like mine are right now, toward the bottle of vodka. It balls its powerful — yet tenderly loving, to some Mary Sue — hands up and destroys a small floating island with a single punch. I believe it was the king’s hideout island, like it does a lot of good when the guy’s not even in it. I swear, the game designers are teasing me all over the place here. And I’m not referring to Cumby in any way when I say that.