With a halting of strings and a clunk, Pretty Albino Guy drops his instrument to the patio. He’s wearing strappy sandals and a very manly lavender toga, which nicely complements his silver hair and pointy ears. Rowr. Pretty Albino Guy glares suspiciously at Gams, who’s blushing like a Catholic schoolgirl. She profusely apologizes for interrupting him, but she thought he was Alex. No way, girl. Alex couldn’t dream of being this hot. Pretty Albino Guy creeps, “It’s…no bother…” in his swoon-inducing voice. Yes, it IS creepy and swoon-inducing, because John Truitt is awesome that way. Leave me alone. Gams just blushes further. Guh. I can actually relate to Gams right now. Take me now, you waify elfin stud.
Back in sprite land, Gams asks Pretty Albino Guy where he got his rockin’ tunes from. He tells her that none other than Alex’s late lamented lover, Dragonmaster Dyne, composed the song. Gams flips out, showing her true colors to this hot stranger, as Alex never told her this important piece of information. Pretty Albino Guy gets her to calm down. “Now, now. I’m certain this ‘Alex’ probably was just unaware of the piece.” Or he didn’t want Gams to know it was his and Dyne’s special song. “No need to get unnecessarily upset,” he adds. “It doesn’t become you.” Heh, someone finally told her she’s a psycho bitch! Nice. I love this guy!
Of course, he totally ruins my crush by hitting on the Mary Sue, assuming she’s a new Guild student he could lure into bed with promises of good marks. Gams sets him straight, and tells him all about Alex and his quest for the Dragons. He’s not exactly interested in Alex, however, and says to Gams, “Perhaps you’re on a quest of your own.” He must be referring to her quest to become the most obnoxious Mary Sue of all time. I think she’s got the award cornered already, and she’s not even getting warmed up yet.
As if the girl’s reading my mind, she remembers one of her more glaring Mary Sue moments, and decides to share it with this random guy. (Yeah, I know it’s obvious that he’s Ghaleon. But Gams isn’t exactly a nuclear engineer over here.) “I keep having the same dream…” she says, Angsty Face in full pouty glory. “But it doesn’t feel like a dream. And it doesn’t make any sense to me…” It doesn’t make any sense to any of us. This is an RPG. Gams suddenly realizes her idiocy in rambling on to this guy for no reason. (Or maybe subconsciously she knows he’s the silver-haired dude in said dream, and thinks it’s a great idea to overshare about it with him.) He doesn’t mind, and creepily dishes some more foreshadowing rhetoric about Gams and her journey of self-fucking-discovery. All of a sudden this game isn’t about magic and Dragons and fantasy stuff. It’s about Gams going through puberty. What the fuck?
Oh, that’s a new one.
The “mystery” man takes off without telling Gams his name, and we’re back to Alex and Squeak. They play Talk to Everyone inside the Guild, up to and including walking in on class sessions and chatting up students and going into the dungeon jail to visit prisoners. All of the prisoners, curiously enough, have all been the victim of one person: Guildmaster and former One-Fourth of the Four Heroes Lemia Ausa. Apparently, Lemia is going through the change of life or something, because she’s wigged out and hormonal and keeps chucking people into prison. Even the non-imprisoned folks seem to be wondering what’s up. I’m sure she really is just turning into a psycho hosebeast, and there’s no sinister plot going on here in Vein.
Alex finally learns the names of the phallic structures attached to the Guild–they are known as the Crystal Tower and the Silver Spire. Hey, whatever your kinks are. They’d probably make one out of chocolate if that turned your crank. Entrances to both are guarded, ensuring that Alex won’t get to step inside the scared inner penises until a little, and a lot, respectively, later in the game. Next he goes upstairs for a quick check-in with Gams, who chews his ass for not telling him about Dyne’s composition. Alex loses his shit. “Dyne?!” he cries passionately. “I didn’t know that! That song just came to me one night…in a dream…” That sound you hear is me vomiting up my dinner. Also, he has to be totally pissed that some random fruity guy by a pool knew his special Dyne love serenade. Is this dude trying to move in on his deceased territory or what?
Ghaleon still isn’t ready to see them, so Alex and Squeak ditch Gams again and go to the other side of the Guild, where they enter a dark bedroom. A weak girl voice from the bed calls, “Who…who’s there?” and we’re back to anime.
You’ll recall that sick bastard Nash had a picture of a pretty girl in his inventory when he joined Alex’s entourage. Well, now we get to meet Curly Sue in the flesh. A sweet little tune plays in the background as we get our first real glimpse of Nash’s dream girl, on the verge of crying behind the canopy curtains on her four-poster. Tears glinting melodramatically in her eyes, the girl wipes her face on her sleeve, then gets up and walks toward the camera. The first person angle in these introduction anime cut scenes totally reminds me of those softcore hentai games. I fully expect a list of four options to pop up on the screen while talking to this girl, the fourth option being “Put it in.”
Curly Sue starts to talk, a dramatically depressed, all-sobbed-out tinge in her voice that would render even Gams speechlessly impressed. “I’m sorry,” her voice actress reads off a cue card. “I cannot go to the magic school today. I’m…not feeling well–” Then she covers her face up with her hand, as she wasn’t expecting a necrophiliac and a flying cat to be in her room. And who would be? She apologizes, and introduces herself as “Mia. Mia Ausa.” The Guildmaster’s daughter adds, “May I ask your name?”
Out of the anime, Mia worries that she’s asked them something “too personal.” Yeah, a name is so personal. Jesus, she’s going to be the over-polite, submissive one, isn’t she? Squeak introduces himself and Alex, and tells her their life story–you know, the whole we’re-looking-for-Dragons-blah-blah-Dyne bit–which seems to be his MO when he meets anyone new. Mia thinks their quest sounds really super neato. It’d be cool if they met someone who was completely uninterested in their great adventure, and just wanted to shoot some pool or something. But Mia would totally be up for excitement and adventure and really wild things. Unfortunately, she’s the future ruler of Vein, and keeping watch over all those penises is kind of a full-time job. But oh, how she yearns to get out of the Magic Guild and see the world! She’s like a caged bird longing to spread her wings! A truly unique concept in character development, right here in Lunar.
Alex and Squeak don’t get much further in hitting on Mia, because Nash chooses this moment to discover their whereabouts. As I’m sure you can imagine, he’s less than thrilled that Alex is all over his girl candy. He screams himself hoarse at Alex, apologizes his head off to Mia for their intrusion, and drags our boys off to meet with Ghaleon. “Goodbye…” Mia says sullenly. Oh, cheer up, already. You’ll get to be as free as a gull on the sea breeze in no time flat, sweetcheeks. And before she can get too lonely, Alex comes back, in order to rifle through her sheets and underwear drawer. You know, just to piss off Nash some more. And it works to fantastic effect. Silly Nash, it’s not like she wants to bump uglies with YOU, anyway.
Heh. He said ‘sullying.’
Back in the eastern wing of the Guild, Alex, Squeak and Nash meet back up with Gams, who gets an earful about how awesome Mia Ausa is. Surprisingly, Gams again holds back her envious rage and actually looks forward to meeting Mia, rather than running at top speed over to her bedroom and challenging her to a winner-take-all round of naked foxy boxing. Maybe Gams is maturing a bit. And well she should be, lest her journey of self-fucking-discovery go to waste.
The four of them enter Ghaleon’s office, where the Premier of the Magic Guild is waiting to receive them. When he turns around, Gams breathes, “It’s…him…” No shit, Sherlock. Also: when he left her by the pool after their little chat, he disappeared into the only other room in that corridor. She knew that room was Ghaleon’s office. It’s not even his obvious magical aura anymore. She just wasn’t paying attention.
Totally not evil.
For our fifth and final anime of the recap, Ghaleon gets a proper intro scene, and stands before the party in his full formal regalia: he’s still favoring purple, the color of testosterone if there ever was one, and he also has his pointy ears and most of his pale hair checked by a headdress with phallic horns sticking out on either side. Hoo boy. He greets “Alex of Burg” and introduces himself, telling Alex and us that Nash has spoken quite highly of his new butt buddy. Obviously, this talking-up was before Nash found Alex trying to score on his non-girlfriend. Then again, Mia is a little…alive for our hero’s tastes.
Ghaleon, who is certainly a nice guy and not a creepy evil bishounen at all, becomes the second person in this recap to tell Alex it’s above his pay grade to become a Dragonmaster, and that he should just be a pussy like Nash and stay in Vein. This time, Alex is given a choice in response: either “Study magic…” or “I’m not going to quit.” Alex doesn’t even have to think about it. He answers, “That’s a kind offer, Ghaleon, but I haven’t spent my life dreaming of being a student.” Well, most people don’t, dipshit. It’s not like I went to college because my lifelong ambition was simply to be in college. But I understand that he doesn’t want to be a mage. Whatever. He finishes that he wants ever so badly to be a Dragonmastah, and he’s not about to give up now.
Of course, maybe Alex is being less than polite in this situation because he has just put two and two together from his earlier chat with Gams, and realizes that this pale girly man is one of the Four Heroes and has been up close and personal with his dream hunk. And being a smart ass is the only way he can deal at the moment. Later in the recap, Alex and Ghaleon will be on the Maury Povich Show, taking paternity tests to see which one of them is Dyne’s baby-daddy.
Ghaleon seems to realize Alex is a stubborn little shit (and is this close to throwing a folding chair at him), and so gives up on talking our hero out of anything. “But,” he says, taking particular pleasure in dropping this bomb, “I’ve heard rumors that a Dragonmaster has already been born in the town of Lann.” Ooh, BURN, Alex. Ghaleon would like Alex, Gams, and Nash to head down to Lann and check this guy out to see if he’s the real deal. I’m glad Nash is stuck going with Alex, because he’s gotten out of the last two dungeons and I’m fucking tired of the butthole not pulling his weight. Now that they have their assignment, the kids get ready to leave. But you should know there’s unfinished business here.
“When we met before…” Gams asks, “why didn’t you tell me who you were?” Ghaleon calmly replies, “Because I assumed your IQ was higher than 75. My mistake.” Actually, he tells her he didn’t really feel like introducing himself, and that he was happy to have someone like him for his lovely music, and not for his rugged good looks. And then: “Someday, perhaps you will allow me to hear yours…” Is there anyone on this fucking planet who doesn’t want to hear Gams share her beautiful musical soooooul? It’s a wonder she doesn’t have her own stadium in Vegas by now. Or Branson, Missouri.
Before leaving Vein, Alex and Squeak take Gams back to meet Mia. They hit it off great, like Mary Sue soul sisters. Mia asks that they please convince this new Dragonmaster to return to Vein, so she can question him forthwith. Nash answers for the group and promises Mia that if this Dragonmaster’s the real McCoy, he’ll be back in Vein before you can shout “Penis!”
This seems like as good a stopping point as any, so we’ll leave the kids here in the shadow of the two great penis towers. In the next recap, Alex, Gams, Nash, and Squeak will make the arduous journey through the mountains to Lann. Arduous for me, anyway. They’ll also meet the surely perfect and angelic Jessica de Alkirk, as well as one of her very good male “friends.” Completely platonic, don’t you know. Until part five!