“The password to open the hidden door at Ruid is: ‘Green Earth,'” Fellatio tells them. “It’s what every member of the Vile Tribe yearns more than anything to see.” I like how only select members of the tribe supposedly have this password, but it was the phrase uttered by basically every cocoon monster back in Eggtown. Even if Fellatio hadn’t told them, the kids probably could have stumbled upon it by accident. Before she leaves, Fellatio has some more words of wisdom for our hero: “It’s time for you to settle the question, Alex. Is your strength…the strength of Althena and her children…enough to overcome the power of the Magic Emperor? Meet with him, Alex, and hold out the answer for the whole world to see!” Where does Ghaleon’s power even come from? I know I should not still be stuck on this, but I am. Is he just a super-powerful wizard? Wasn’t he already that, before this whole Magic Emperor thing? It’s not like he’s drawing magic from the Frontier or the Vile Tribe, because their entire problem is they have none, except for when they do. …Fuck it. It doesn’t matter. Back to Ruid.
Ghaleon’s compensating!
Back in front of THE GRINDERY, I try to steer the party directly to the secret door, which looks like a Zelda-style bombable wall, but the game pulls them back toward the main door to fucking talk about it for another hour. “Hmmm…I know it’s here…somewhere…” Kyle mutters. This is that goddamn secret forest passage all over again. He notes that Fellatio told them exactly where it was, and after a moment of hesitation where they’re all clearly thinking, “So why didn’t we just walk over to it straight away?” they walk over to it. “Okay, time for the password,” Jess says. “Uh…does anyone remember it?” God, what kind of drugs is Fartnoise keeping on that airship if all five of them forget the one important thing someone told them less than a minute ago? Thankfully, as soon as Mia recalls it was “Green Earth,” the bombable wall caves in and leaves the way clear. I was waiting for another series of dialogue screens where Kyle and Squeak made various guesses at the password, such as “Buttbrain,” “Royce’s Pasties,” and “MTV doesn’t even play music videos anymore!” Instead, the group ponders the importance of the real password to the Vile Tribe, and how their verdant world is something they take for granted. But that world has Reza, and Hot Girl News, and the singers of Lyton. It’s not perfect, friends.
Kyle gives us a peek into his sexy dream journal.
The first monsters our heroes encounter inside the first area of this phallic monstrosity, appropriately enough, are “Flash Lords,” though it’s flagrant false advertising–they’re fully clothed, ugly wizard trolls, with bulbous noses, protruding front-butts, and Mr. Magoo glasses. The “flash” comes from the lightning they channel through Ghostbusters-style proton packs on their backs. In fact, their robes are also Ghostbusters-issue beige, and these guys typically show up in packs of four. It’s possible this entire building is just housing Ghaleon’s ghost containment unit, and he had to build it out here after he couldn’t get the EPA to sign off on it in Vein. Shit! And the dragons are all ghosts! This has all been one big misunderstanding!
Oh no, Alex and Jessica crossed the streams!
Proceeding north through this area, the party is about to go after a (on the dungeon screen) wolf demon of some kind when he charges onto a switch, opening a door to release two other groups of enemies. What the fuck! These things aren’t supposed to be smart enough to operate machinery. What kind of foul experiments is Dr. Eghaleon Spengler conducting in this place? The teens therefore have to fight through two waves of Ghostbuster Wizards and R2-D2 tanks with phallic drill attachments before getting to the wolf demon sprite, which turns out to be two human-looking dudes in lavender ninja suits and low-hanging codpieces, accompanied by two sentient mirrors. Are we just picking monster sprites out of an earflap hat at this point?
After navigating this huge first room, our heroes emerge into something of a small industrial district behind the iron walls, but outside THE GRINDERY itself. I guess if Ruid is supposed to be a town, and not just a depressing labor camp, this is that town. The Vile Tribe’s definition of “town” is sad even for this game’s loose network of flyover land shitholes. Most of the houses have no roofs, and though there are smokestacks on all the buildings, no fires can be found beneath them. That feels like a metaphor I’m too lazy to suss out. Which itself is probably a metaphor for my life. Nice.
Don’t mind Mia, she’s just working out some issues.
While wandering around the husk of a fake village that is Ruid, Alex comes across a chest with a Fire Armlet, a new accessory for Jessica. Great, right? Just slap that thing on. Except I’m watching myself go through this inventory management mundanity–recapping is glamorous!–and realize the armlet is actually for Mia. (They’re both wearing armlets. This shouldn’t confuse me at this point, but here we are.) But Past Sam did not realize this, grabbed an old armlet of Jessica’s from Squeak’s inventory, was confused as to why it was not an upgrade from her current armlet (that she just got in the mine), put the wrong armlet back in Squeak’s asshole, and forgot all about it. And then Current Sam yelled at her screen for five minutes. I actually just had to get up, grab the game, go load my save, and put the Fire Armlet on Mia so I wouldn’t forget this happened and keep not equipping her with it for eternity. It is 7:30 a.m. and I was not going to be able to continue with my day until this was taken care of. I have problems.
Long after I’ve given up on mana conservation and have started letting Alex rip Ghostbuster Wizards to ribbons with Flash Cut, and leaning on Mia’s new phallustacular spell Flameria to wipe out the Lavender Dick Ninjas, the party has wound its way through several corridors and stairwells of red corrugated metal and finds itself in front of a red metal door with a golden symbol painted on it. I cannot figure out what the hell this symbol is supposed to be. It might be a stick figure dancing in a ball gown. (So, Ghaleon.) Or several sperm experiencing freedom for the first time. Or maybe it’s a giant R, for Ruid? Or a G, for THE GRINDERY? A kanji I don’t recognize? I’m at a loss. Whatever it is, this area is much nicer than any of the structures we’ve seen thus far on the Frontier, underscoring once more how the actual masses of the Vile Tribe are being trod on so the Magic Emperor has an opulent salon worthy of his title.
Wait…is it a designer handbag logo?
The second the kids enter this fancy door, of course, the music turns sinister, and they are greeted by a man they’ve never met. He has a long brown beard and glasses, and is wearing a purple Snuggie and a white earflap hat, except he has turned up the earflaps to point away from his head, like THE MILLENNIALS do with the brims of their baseball caps. He also appears to have tattoos on his face just like the Slag Sisters, though it’s hard to tell with everything else going on in this portrait. They’re trying to make sure I have an indelible impression of this guy who matters for exactly one scene. “Well, well, well,” he says. “To what do we owe the honor of this visit, humans? It’s not often we receive visitors here…in fact, we discourage the practice.” Maybe you should have mentioned that to your boss before he sent Alex a save-the-date for the grand opening of THE GRINDERY.
The Vile Tribe man introduces himself as Taben. His sprite also has a cane, and is standing on a platform above our heroes, on top of another golden whatever symbol and surrounded by machinery. A steep staircase leads to the platform, which I only mention because it must have sucked to get up all those stairs if you are a person in need of a cane. He must have seen our heroes coming from a ways away to have the time to schlep it up there so he’d look all haughty and imposing when they entered. Anyway, he uses that hard-won grandeur to tell the kids it’s their “lucky day”: “For you see, you have come at precisely the right time to witness the extraordinary!” Please. Kyle always thinks his coming is extraordinary.
But Taben is referring to something, uh, more impressive. “Today is the debut of my latest invention, the Mobile Magic Masher!” How many fucking inventors does this game need? I thought we were at our limit, here. Kyle, not a fan of alliteration apparently, is less than impressed with the name. “By the time we’re done,” he brags without even having seen the thing, “you’ll be changing the name to IMmobile…” That is almost clever wordplay, and I’m proud of Kyle right now for trying. Taben doesn’t have my sliding scale for our boy, though, and says, “Your feeble words won’t save you, human! It’s time to introduce those who disobey the Magic Emperor to the true meaning of terror!” Mia notes that Taben ain’t playing, and that there is “powerful magic” very close by. Of course, that is the cue for Nash to appear. What? He’s powerful! Look, if Kyle gets a sliding scale for his worst trait, Nash can have one, too.
Well, Nash doesn’t appear at first–rather, he shouts from offscreen, “You didn’t listen to me! I warned you, but you didn’t listen! How ignorant and irresponsible can you BE?!” Kyle recognizes the voice, and even if he didn’t feel like cluing us in, only one person would be pulling a bitchy I-told-you-so right now. After bantering with Kyle for a moment about who’s a cowardly prick and who isn’t–they missed each other!–a trap door to the left of the party opens, and Nash rides a lift into the room, accompanied by his very own goofball boss theme. And…Nash somehow looks like an even bigger tryhard douchebag since they last saw him. It’s true! Somehow!
God, where to even start. So, Nash is wearing Taben’s so-called Mobile Magic Masher, which is effectively a canary-yellow mech suit wielding a large bubble wand. But it also has skinny little stork legs ending in pointy-toed slippers that seem like they were designed with this particular user in mind, as well as poofy red shoulder pads and a flapping red cape, which, same. The head of the suit extends well past Nash’s own head, and the only thing I can see when I look at it is one of those wing-style corkscrews with the levers on the sides that usually has a bottle opener attached to the top. Put another way, it looks like a Victorian-era dildo. Which is all above board, since Nash basically is a Victorian-era dildo.
“Inside this armor, my power is amplified beyond measure!” Nash crows at them. In his portrait, his face is surrounded by yellow metal, which kind of makes him look like he was swallowed by Robo. “You can’t stop me…you can’t even hope to slow me down! Your only choices are submission and servitude or failure and death.” For a guy who seemed more or less sorry he felt forced to do what he did earlier, Nash has sure bought fully into villainy. I mean, in a lame way, but how else would he do it? Squeak takes this in and all he can say is, “Alex, is it just me, or does Nash look like a giant chicken?” Ugh, Squeak, how reductive. After all that time I spent deconstructing his look. (He absolutely does look like Steampunk Big Bird.) Nash ignores this and demands they all back off and obey their new lord, the Magic Emperor. “Don’t force him to destroy you and everything you care about!” he adds. Nash, come on. If the prospect of fighting the actual man himself wasn’t going to turn them back, why would fighting you have any more effect? Also, Ghaleon is probably not going to stop with his whole “Destroying the entire world” plan.
…But you didn’t listen to him before that.
Of course, the party is not inclined to listen to Nash, and he himself admits that he hasn’t had a lot of luck with convincing them with words to bow out of this fight. “Now I’ll have to use force,” he sighs. “But don’t fret, I shan’t kill you…that comes later…and not at my hand…” Like I said. Victorian-era dildo. Shouting “Check this out!” and waving his bubble wand (no bubbles appear, alas), he brings down strikes of lightning on everyone but Mia. But it seems to be some cross between his normal Thunder Bomb and his Sleep spell, since they all just pass out. As Mia looks helplessly at her friends, Nash tells her, “Mia, I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt anyone…I did this all for you!” Oh my god. I would say she is not going to fuck you, but I know I’ll eventually be proven wrong there. But…this is not helping to get her to fuck you, man. Mia goes, “Nash…” and walks over to him, wearing her most helplessly sad expression. But then she shouts, “You IDIOT!” and smacks the smug right off his stupid face. And she has to reach for it, too. His face is like ten feet off the ground. Mia puts her whole body into taking Nash to church.
“Did you really think that doing this would make me happy?!” Mia shouts at her dipshit non-boyfriend. “What made me happy is when you were helping us…when you were helping Alex! Don’t you understand why he’s trying so hard to save [Gams]? Don’t you understand anything?” I’m not sure Alex knows why Alex is trying so hard to save Gams, but that’s just me being a dick who can’t accept canon pairings ever. All Nash can say to any of this is “…Ummm…” but perhaps that’s because Mia has left a giant red handprint on his cheek. He may have lost the power of speech. “Please, Nash,” she begs. “Please stop this cruel charade! I…I love you, Nash. But I hate what you’re doing to us…” I will say she’s proven her feelings with her staunch defense of his moronic actions up to this point, so this doesn’t feel like a total left turn. By contrast, can you imagine how Jess would be reacting to Kyle turning traitor on the party? I’m pretty sure she already would have choked him out with her IUD necklace.
‘Including bankrolling Hot Girl News.’
It should not be a shock that hearing those three little words out of Mia’s mouth is more than enough to immediately snap Nash the fuck out of it. (That firecracker of a slap probably also helped.) As the rest of their friends rouse from their naps, Nash realizes how badly he’s fucked up. “I’m sorry, Mia…and all of you,” he says, and he does genuinely look sorry. “I thought I was doing what was best…but I was really only thinking about myself.” A little on the nose, since that’s basically Nash’s entire character in one sentence, but I’ll allow it. Alex will as well, since he dopily smiles and says, “Nash…” as he, Kyle, and Jessica stand up. The gang is back together again! They were doing so badly without Nash, too!
Unfortunately, Taben is still here, and he’s not going to let a little thing like Nash executing a perfect 360-degree face-heel-face pirouette deter him from his plans. “Despite this little change of heart,” he says, “the power of my invention must be known. I won’t let you all depart without a minor demonstration via remote control!” He pulls a comically huge remote control from his Snuggie and presses an equally comically huge red button, bringing Nash’s Hitachi Magic Wand Suit to life and once again zapping the non-Mia members of the party with lightning. Even though Taben just cackled, “Behold the power of the Mobile Magic Masher, humans!” and loudly mentioned a fucking remote control, Kyle shrieks, “I knew that apology was just another damn lie! You are dead, Nash! DEAD!!” He’s just looking for a reason to be mad. Just like with Jessica! I guess that’s the game signaling to us that Nash and Kyle are deeply in love. Nash insists he didn’t do anything himself, and begs, “Help me, Mia!”
The Working Designs strategy guide, proving once and for all that it just doesn’t get me, man, calls this boss fight against Nash a “dream come true” and urges me to “make the most” of it. (How would I make the most of it? I’m going to do the same shit I do in every boss battle.) But I’m not even mad–I’m sure I’m in the extreme minority that would take a thousand Nashes, shrilly boasting of their own unimpeachable intelligence and good looks in unison, over one more second of Kyle and Jessica pretending to be in love with each other. I mean, maybe not, since the average hypothetical sex-liking wedgie veteran who’s played this game probably identifies more with Nash than the rest of the cast combined, but at the least, whoever wrote this guide is eager to have our resident jocks show this dork who’s boss.
It’s 1 damage, Alex–you don’t have to sell it like you just died.
Ironically, the Hitachi Magic Wand Suit is weak to Mia’s Flame Bomb, and not to physical attacks. Or maybe it’s not ironic, if it’s been infected with Nash’s squishy feelings. No matter. It’s basically like fighting against Nash if his magic were as good as he thinks it is, i.e. still not that challenging. Nobody even has to use a Star Light! And since Squeak’s inventory is kind of a bloated mess right now, I was really hoping I’d need to use at least one or two.