Now, I know I haven’t mentioned it before, but instead of a road leading to the castle, there is a forest. A big forest, with winding pathways and flesh-eating mushrooms around every corner. So, even though they are out of the castle, Punk and crew aren’t out of the woods yet are still in “running away mode.” For the dumb gamers that can’t figure this out by the Panicked Music playing in the background, the castle guard comes onscreen to continue chasing us. Cue more running away. Eventually, the guards chase Punk, M!Sue, and Lucca into a clearing. The three of them see a BigBluePortal and jump in, despite Lucca’s protests of not knowing where it will lead. You’d think that she, of all people, would know a plot device when she sees one. I mean, come on, they didn’t put a BBP in a dead-end clearing because they thought it would increase the property value. And they call her a genius.
Loading ...The BigBluePortal spits the motley trio out in a dome somewhere in the future. I can tell it’s the future because there are toppled skyscrapers all around, domes have replaced the towns, and the water and land are both brown. Hot damn, I’m glad I read all those Hardy Boys novels when I was a wee lad. They provided me with the detective skills I need to make it through this game. Anyway, I make Punk head north, to the ominously named “Lab 8.” Inside, the party kills lots of monsters. Then they come out the other side and enter “Arris Dome.” I’m going to kick the first person to tell me that it’s really spelled “Arrith Dome” in the balls.
Current M!Sue Ass Shot Count: 2
Inside the dome, we find a bunch of destitute people. I can tell that they are destitute because they are wearing brown rags. They see the party, in all their Technicolor glory, and ask where the hell we came from. When Lucca tells them we crossed the laboratories to the east, this random old guy flips out. Then he regains his composure and decides to spew exposition at us: “Pardon me. I’m Doan. I’m the descendant of the director of this info center.” ExposiDoan doesn’t even care that he’s being sloppy with his exposition, just as long as he can get all of it out of the way. “In the basement, there’s a huge computer and a storage center for food. But we can’t get through ’cause of the robot guards. It’s a pity.” Christ, why doesn’t he just ask us to go find the damn food already? Stupid old man. Punk heads for the ladder leading to the third dungeon of the recap, and ExposiDoan pretends to be surprised. “Are you going down below? But no one’s ever returned from there.” Lucca is all, “Gotta try, right?” and ExposiDoan is impressed that we are willing to do stuff instead of sitting around and bitching about having no food all day. Then he lets us do the damn dungeon for him.
The lower level of Arris dome is just like the laboratories we went through earlier. Easy to navigate and full of easily avoidable enemies, yet still long and tedious. Here’s the highlight reel: Punk and crew defeat a giant robot, find out that the refrigeration has failed and all the food has spoiled, find some seeds in a dead guy’s hands, catch a rat to gain a password that gives access to another area of the dome, and finally stumble upon a giant computer.
Is there candy involved?
Despite having never seen one before in her life, Lucca knows how to use the computer because she’s TEH UB3R G3NIU5! “If we run a search on timewarps,” she says, clicking away at the computer, “we may be able to find our Gate!” Google must have made some serious modifications in the past 1300 years, because Lucca shortly has her search results for “BigBluePortals.” “East of Arris Dome…” she mutters to herself, as the computer shows us an aerial view of a dome to the east with all sorts of high-tech lines running to it. “That would be our gate!”
It advances the plot. Duh.
Because M!Sue hasn’t done anything for a while, she jumps up and down. “Leave it to Lucca!” she wanks, “I’m beginning to think you can do anything with this device!” That comment sounds so wrong out of context. Then M!Sue has a Quintessential Blonde Moment. She walks forward to the computer, shrieks, “OOOOOOOH! What does this button do?!” and pushes a giant red button. Dammit M!Sue, I can’t take you anywhere!
Sonic’s more destructive cousin.
The computer screen goes fuzzy and Lucca reads: “1999 AD, Visual Record of the Day of Lavos…” Then we see a film clip where the ground rips open, a Giant Porcupine Monster emerges, shoots lasers all over the world, and everything blows up. Then the film ends. Punk, Lucca, and M!Sue stand silently for a while. Wow, between the clumsy introduction of the video and the uncomfortable silence, that was as awkward as those Health and Development videos we had to watch in Junior High. I must say, I rather prefer learning of the wonders of RAGING HORMONES to Death and Destruction. Maybe it’s just because I can’t get any.
Lucca and M!Sue angst for a bit about how tragic the end of the world is. Then M!Sue gets a brilliant idea to change the past, just “like Punk did when he saved [her]!” Everybody agrees, because that gives the game an ultimate direction to work towards. Lucca remarks offhandedly: “It was a stroke of luck that we were sent here through that Gate.” You know what was really convenient though? That in the middle of the world ending and shit blowing up right and left, some engineer had the foresight to hit the record button and assign the film to a button on the keyboard. He even labeled it with the Day of Lavos and the year so some random group of teenagers with the ability to travel through time can see it and save the world! Now that’s what I call a stroke of luck.
So, with their life goals neatly set out for them, the trio decides to do some research on Lavos’ activities in 1000 AD. Time to head east! Manifest Destiny… in reverse! They head back to the ground floor of Arris Dome, trade the seeds they found to ExposiDoan for a “bike key,” and continue on their merry way.
Lovechild of the Fonzie and a Harley.
In order to go to the Dome to the east, however, Punk, Lucca, and M!Sue have to use the “bike key” to start up the conveniently placed Jet Bike and use it to race across a stretch of highway against a motorcycle robot named Johnny. This is one of those dumb minigames that you play, win, and never play again. Punk smokes Johnny’s ass, and we continue on to Proto Dome.
Anime instead of CG? What a concept!
Inside Proto Dome, Punk, M!Sue and Lucca navigate the twisting walkways and eventually happen upon a broken down old robot. Then, the Gods of the Chrono Trigger Universe yell, “Let’s see that again!” and we watch the same scene in Anime!Mode. Only at the end of the Anime, Lucca pulls out a screwdriver, and in the gameplay mode, she examines the robot, spins around, and says, “I think I can fix it.” Of course you can fix it, Lucca! You’re a freaking genius! Let’s make a perpetual motion device next, okay?
M!Sue is all, “Won’t it attack us?” and Lucca responds, “I’ll make sure it won’t. Robots aren’t capable of evil. Humans make them that way.” Then M!Sue gets all touchy-feely and asks, “You pity them, don’t you?” Lucca tells M!Sue to shut up instead of answering, though, because she doesn’t want anybody to compare her to a certain woman who argues for Realian rights.
Then, in a choppy series of scenes, we see Lucca working on the robot and M!Sue and Punk sitting around with their thumbs up their bums. Pretty soon, Lucca proclaims that she’s finished. “Stand back, I’m going to give it some juice!” she yells, and holds out her hands. Somehow, this powers up the robot. He spins around and shoots sparks for a bit. Then he bows to M!Sue and says, “Good Morning, Mistress. What is your command?”
This is devotion Shion can only dream about. …Eew.
M!Sue is all, “I’ve already got a man. Try whoring yourself out to Lucca,” so the robot bows to Lucca and calls her “Madam Lucca.” This prompts a big girly-bonding scene about how M!Sue and Lucca hate formal titles. The robot gets the point, and M!Sue decides that we should give the robot a name. Well, after being beaten about the head with all the Xenosaga references, I have no choice but to make “Robo” a KOS-MOS-sans-Boobs. Kosmo it is!
Lucca fills Kosmo in on their situation and Kosmo tells them that their BigBluePortal is behind a locked door. But because this is the future, instead of doing some inane quest to find the key, I have to do an inane quest to turn on the power, which will allow the door to open. According to Kosmo, the power will only stay on for a short amount of time, so one of the girls will have to stay behind to open the door as soon as we get the power working. That, and we can only have three members in the party at one time. I leave M!Sue behind, because I hate her, and take the two geniuses with me to the factory. God knows the infinite wisdom between the two of them should come in handy.
Well, as much as I’d like to go to the Factory and complete the fourth dungeon of the recap, I’d like to keep my sanity far more. So, I’m pulling the plug right here. Join me next time, as Punk and pals infiltrate a giant factory, meet Kosmo’s relatives, and travel from the End of the World to the End of Time! See you then!