In case you don’t have a time machine of your own and can’t remember what happened seven goddamn years ago in the last Chrono Trigger recap, our intrepid heroes continued mucking their way through time, and along the way, they restored the broken Masamune, reunited with Frog, and finally brought the Longest Fetch Quest Ever to a close by helping Frog slay Magus, his three musically-inclined cronies, and his pathetically small (but still quite evil!) army. Then, Lavos (the game’s Big Bad) woke up and chucked the party straight back to 65,000,000 BC, where they reunited with Babs to help her rescue her wimpy boyfriend Kino from the Reptites, which, I realize, is kind of a diversion from the whole Vanquish Lavos (and Magus) ASAP thing, but we like Babs and she, bless her stupid Neanderthal brain, needs to save Kino so she can bang his brains out and, some 70 million years later, spawn M!Sue. Wait. Why is this a good plan, again?

Babs, Punk, and M!Sue dismount their Dactyl steeds outside Tyrano Lair. The Lair is sitting on top of a mountain and is surrounded on all sides by bubbling magma, hence the need for an airborne entrance. Inside, Two Winged Ape monsters patrol the hallway in front of two dinosaur jaw-shaped doorways, but the apes are slow enough that Punk can dash right around them and into the open doorway on the right. Suckers. Directly down a set of stone stairs, Punk finds the cage holding all of the non-Kino villagers, who I totally had forgotten were also kidnapped by the Reptites. Punk pushes the nearby switch to open the rib-shaped cage doors, allowing all the non-Kino villagers to flee to safety. Actually, assuming they make it past the Winged Apes without getting re-captured and/or killed, they probably just go outside and then sit there like dumbasses, because the Lair, you’ll remember, is surrounded on all sides by bubbling lava. But like I said, they’re all the non-Kino villagers, so nobody really cares what happens to them anyway. They probably just spill over the cliff and into the lava like Lemmings.

Punk, Babs, and M!Sue kill the Reptite guards that appear after the release of the prisoners and then head down another set of stairs, where they find three more Reptite guards, already taunting an unseen prisoner: “Thanks for bringing, er, being the main course!” one of the guards flubs. Har har.

When they spot Punk and his companions, the Reptites spaz out and shriek, “It’s the apes!!!” and then they attack the party. But they’re just as weak as their colleagues one floor up, so the party makes pretty short work of them. With the guards vanquished, the only thing that stands between Kino, the previously Unseen Prisoner (try not to be too shocked), and his freedom is another ribcage cage that doesn’t open when Punk presses the nearby switch, or even when Babs rams herself into the door twice. Luckily for Kino, Babs is dexterous enough to climb the ribcage cage and execute a flying leap into the cell (complete with comedy relief moment where she crashes into the far wall — the hilarity!) to bust out from the inside. Babs and Kino share a Moment, wherein we learn that, should Babs die, Kino is slated to become the new Chief of All Prehistoria, and then Babs tells Kino to escape while she, Punk, and M!Sue settle the score with Dennis Rodman, the Reptite boss that kidnapped Kino in the first place. So I guess rescuing Kino was just a flimsy pretense for killing all the Reptites, then. I’m on board.

That seems below the belt.

Before he leaves, Kino leads the party back to the first room of the dungeon, which is now conspicuously devoid of Winged Apes, and opens the left dinosaur jaw-gate with his brute strength with a key he found lying around in his jail cell while he was waiting to be rescued somehow. Then, with a friendly, “You strong, me weak. Babs good chief!” he dashes off to join the other villagers just sitting around outside the Lair because — and I think this bears repeating — there is boiling hot magma. On all sides of the Lair. Escape? Is probably not happening any time in the immediate future. God, this game.

Punk leads Babs and M!Sue through the newly-opened jaw and up a set of stairs into a room with two exits, two sets of monsters sitting out in the open, and two buttons on the floor. Never one to resist pressing some buttons, Punk steps on them, opening a pair of trapdoors that drop the monsters into the room below. Score. Punk flips a coin and walks through the door on the right, finding himself on a walkway that wraps around the outside of the Lair and leads to a room with two treasure chests. But, whoops, when Punk tries to grab the treasure, he instead activates a trap that sends him plummeting a few floors down, right into the cage that previously held the Non-Kino Villagers and now holds the monsters from the room above! His pride injured slightly, Punk makes short work of the monsters and leads his female companions back up the stairs, through the doorway Kino opened, back into the two-switch room (which is magically repopulated with the monsters that Punk just killed in the jail cell, argh). This time, Punk decides to head out the door on the left. Replay value, my lily white ass.

Outside, three Reptites are wandering aimlessly around, completely unaware of Punk, and our spiky-haired hero sneaks right past them. Okay? I like how the guards in this lair won’t fight you unless you physically run into them. That seems secure.

So, I have played this game probably a million times in my life, and I still have no idea what the hell is going on with this next room. It’s large and dark, with holes in the floor and a smattering of treasure chests spread throughout the room. But as Punk approaches the treasure chests, he invariably steps on invisible booby-traps, which summon previously unseen monsters and/or teleport Punk to another area of the room. It’s hella frustrating. Supposedly, there’s a way to get all the treasures in the room, but whatever. Like I need another freaking couple of Tonics, anyway. After wandering around and getting randomly teleported a few dozen times, Punk winds up at the foot of the stairs at the far end of the room, which, obviously, is another testament to my elite gaming abilities, and leaves this weirdo room.

Fuck this noise.

Up the flight of stairs, Punk, Babs, and M!Sue find another outdoor walkway filled with more random monsters, and it’s all very exciting and totally worthy of a continued play by play, but … hey! Look over there!

A little while later, Punk and his blonde companions stumble into another large room and find Nizbel the Bipedal Triceratops, of all, erm, people, flexing his ‘roided out muscles and standing by the entrance. “[Dennis Rodman]’s in the back,” he helpfully mentions. When he doesn’t attack, the party just sidles around him and saves at the conveniently-placed save point before heading for the stairs at the back of the room.

I’m too scared to google the appropriate name for this sexual… configuration.

“Hold it!” Nizbel suddenly shouts, and the screen rumbles as he makes his gargantuan way across the room to the party. “This is a special place. The great Nizbel was defeated here!” he exclaims. Well, I hate to contradict you, Nizbel, but… no. The great Nizbel was defeated last recap in the Subterranean Reptite Lair, which was hidden inside the FOREST MAZE and also UNDERGROUND. And now we’re in the Tyrano Lair, a GIANT CASTLE surrounded on all sides by — sing it if you know it! — LIQUID HOT MAGMA. Not the same place.

But such a tiny misunderstanding doesn’t stop our heroes from adding “the Tyrano Lair” to the list of places in which the great Nizbel has been defeated. After some well-placed single- and double-techniques (I’m a big fan of Ice Toss, myself) from Punk, M!Sue, and Babs, the lizard is down for the count.

Up the set of stairs in the room’s rear, Punk finds more exterior walkways, monsters, switch “puzzles,” and, eventually, the throne room. The latter is occupied by Dennis Rodman himself, who leaps at the opportunity to spooge evil dialogue all over the party:

“So… you are here at last. This is it then. The showdown. Today there shall be a conclusion. Will it be the Reptites, or you silly apes that end up ruling the world?” Dennis Rodman inquires. I don’t know why, but I read all his dialogue with MOJO JOJO-type intonation. Babs runs forward to announce: “Strong survive. Babs strong. Babs fight!” The dialogue is interrupted at this point by a thunderous roar from behind the door in the back of the room, and Dennis Rodman purrs: “Hear that lovely voice? You’ll soon become the best of friends!” And with that, he executes a 30-foot vertical leap over his throne, nails the dismount, and exits the room. After looting the throne room’s two treasure chests, Punk gives chase.

NO WAY!!!!!

At the end of a long, precarious walkway, Punk finds Dennis Rodman sitting on the left shoulder of an ENORMOUS black Tyrannosaurus rex, addressing a glowing red sparkle up in the sky: “Red star… Fall!!!!! Stain the earth… RED!” he commands, and, surprisingly enough, the star obediently migrates off the right side of the screen. Satisfied, Dennis Rodman hops to the Tyranosaurus rex’s other shoulder and shouts at the party:

“Though it may be our fate to perish, we will not simply hand this world over to you!” and… I think that Dennis kind of overplayed his hand, here. I mean, even though he doesn’t exactly exude confidence about winning, he just cast a spell or something that is, apparently, going to make a giant star fall to earth and crush everybody that survives. So, if he wins, he still loses. Not that he’s going to win, but still. DURRR!!

“Mwa ha ha! With this Black Tyrano I can finally exterminate those filthy apes!” Dennis Rodman gloats. The Black Tyrano roars, Dennis Rodman roars, and battle commences.

Dennis Rodman has some really annoying spells at his disposal, not the least of which involve using telekinesis to throw the party members around the battlefield and teleporting giant boulders directly above people’s heads, but his mere presence also boosts the Black Tyrano’s defense, so he’s gotta be the first to go. Because Punk and Babs are strong physical attackers, and Punk and M!Sue use magic that does extra damage to dinosaurs, this party works together to bring down the little lizard like nobody’s business. We all like to feel like we’re totally awesome at the videogames now and again, don’t we?

Blah blah blah, something about going along with you and getting a treat? Ok, I’m down.

With Dennis gone, the Black Tyrano drops its defenses and starts a countdown from five, and when he reaches zero, he roasts the party with fire breath. Major ouchies. Then he rinses/repeats, giving the party five whole turns to heal as needed and attack. I think the Black Tyrano would have more success if he skipped the whole counting bit, but who am I to complain? When the Black Tyrano dies, his head disappears, followed by the rest of his body, and then the tower, relieved of the Black Tyrano’s massive weight, lurches upward. Dennis Rodman also somehow reappears, and wastes no time jumping into a rehearsed monologue:

“No… it can’t be…! Could the heavens truly have sided with the apes? Listen, primates, and let it be known. We Reptites fought bravely to the bitter end!” Dennis Rodman’s ramblings are interrupted at this point by a series of red flashes, and the party clamors to the edge of the platform to get a better view while Dennis exposits, “Soon, stones of fire will rain down. Flames will scorch the land. The burned out plains will slowly freeze, ushering in a long, cruel ice age. Mwa ha ha… what a treat! You will wish you went along with us! Mwa ha!”