Anyhow, thanks to Alex’s better-than-average fighting ability, Gams’s already large amount of magic points, and my frequent trips back to town, these three manage to traverse the White Dragon Cave, full of slimes, flies, and snow monkeys…you know, standard low-level dungeon fare. It also helps that Lunar is one of the few RPGs with visible enemies in lieu of random battles. Game Arts proves with a later game that this system is not automatically superior to random battles, but it works well for Lunar. To wit: enemies move slow and Alex moves fast, making evasion a viable option. Yay.
About two-thirds into the cave, the traveling teens find, for lack of a better term, a doorway. Ram-It gets all jittery just thinking about getting his chubby hands on a big ol’ Dragon Diamond. Through the opening, they come out onto a crystalline walkway. Squeak announces that it’s a little chilly in there before they plunge deeper into the cave (*snicker*). At that moment, an (I guess) ear-splitting roar echoes through the cave, and yet again, we’re in for some anime.
From the darkness, a deep voice inquires as to who is trespassing in the Cave o’ Snow Monkeys. The White Dragon’s eyes light up in the dark, and we see about five minutes of him smashing rocks under his claws and roaring to no one in particular. Then he takes a good, long sniff, and somehow deduces from Alex’s raging pheromones (for Gams, or for Dyne?) that they’re not bad guys. He introduces himself as Quark, the patriarch of the Dragon Tribe, before asking what business they have roaming around his territory. “It is a journey few have survived,” he says, even though it wasn’t that hard, for all my bitching. “Your mission must be urgent.” End of cut scene. My, aren’t these riveting?
I’m sure that’ll be a raging success.
Each member of the party introduces him- or herself, although Ram-It’s greeting is more like, “WAAAH, don’t eat me!” Quark pauses a bit when he meets Gams, as if he knows her from somewhere. Naaaaaaaaah. Squeak tells his senile ass to reminisce later, because they wantses their Dragon Diamondses.
Quark sighs in resignation. He doesn’t understand why humans treasure Dragon Diamonds so much, especially since they’re made from his shit. Yes. He craps diamonds. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear after already losing my lunch once during this recap. Thanks bundles, Quark.
But Quark has also read ahead in the script and knows he needs to make a hero out of this green-eyed boy with the leather patch on the ass of his pants. So he makes them a deal: they go pass the Dragon Trial and fetch for him the Dragon Ring, and he’ll give them a piece of Dragon Shit. Sounds like a plan!
The Dragon Trial of Quark the Diamond-Shitter is pretty simple in concept, but not so simple in execution. In the areas of the cave past his lair live many snow monkeys. Snow monkeys are stupid creatures that charge in a straight line whenever they seen a yummy human. Getting to the Dragon Ring entails making these creatures charge at the blocks of ice blocking the passageways. Problem is, the dipshits often get stuck on tiny bumps in the side of the cave and cannot move. And they don’t know how to move diagonally. And if Alex accidentally runs into one, and kills it, it will be gone and he has to leave the room, come back in and start over. Fun stuff. Really.
After wasting about twenty minutes of my life on this, Alex makes it to the Dragon Ring. The party does the happy dance, for now Alex is a true-blue adventurer! Or something. They return to Quark to present the Dragon Ring…or they would, if I hadn’t just noticed that I missed a treasure chest in the lower-right-hand corner of the room and that I have to bring back the snow monkey to get it. …Okay, all better. Now they go see Quark.
What if, say, Ram-It had the green eyes?
The almighty Quark is impressed that Alex managed to perform this menial task. Ram-It doesn’t particularly notice how important all this is, and just wants his Dragon Turd. He gets it, so hopefully he’ll shut up for the rest of the scene. Quark tells our hero that he’s got the makings of a great hero, and that he should travel to the main continent and seek out the Red, Blue and Black Dragons. Alex, Althena bless his tiny brain, takes a minute to understand. Alex: you passed the Dragon Trial. That is what you do to become a Dragonmaster. Hello? Of course, when Quark mentions Dyne, and a way to become, shall we say, closer to him, Alex immediately catches on. Quark tells Alex to spend one last night with his loved ones before departing on his adventure, before healing the kids and sending them on their way.
No. Comment.
Their first adventure completed, Alex and his Band of Bitches return to Burg. Squeak opines for the sweet healing caress of the town’s Althena statue, even though they fought all of one battle after Quark healed them. What a nancy boy. We’ll leave them to that date with the statue, though; for this recap, in the language of Iron Chef, is OVAH! Join me next time for the beginning of Alex’s journey, when we’ll get pillow talk under the moonlight and the ever-important spooky forest dungeon. Until then!