Squeak and Alex are skeptical of Doofus’s big plans. Doofus doesn’t care, since he probably listened in on the earlier monologue and knows Alex won’t be able to resist adventuring. He runs off to get snacks for the trip to the White Dragon Cave. Because he’s FAT. Get it yet?! Squeak also reveals that Doofus’s real name is Ramus. He is now called Ram-It. After Ram-It leaves the screen, Squeak voices a new concern: how will they tell Luna about this? She’s the possessive, worrisome type, like all chicks, so she won’t want them to go.

Please do NOT finish that thought.

Alex and Squeak tool around town some more, talking to all the NPCs and to Alex’s parents. Yes, I know they’re already late to meet with Luna, but it’s not like she’s not going to be there whenever Alex does decide to show up. I discover some more of the backstory surrounding Dragonmaster Dyne–basically, he was a badass and everyone loved him. Informative. Also, there’s going to be a festival in Burg for Althena, at which Alex and Luna will be performing. This explains the “practice.” Luna, I’m told by everyone in town, has a beautiful singing voice and is quite the lovely young lady. Men want to be with her and women want to be her. I sense a new nickname coming for Luna, but I’ll hold off until we actually meet the girl. Lastly, Ram-It’s father is horribly disappointed in his porky offspring for being–wait for it–lazy, fat, and materialistic. I have to give credit to GA for that startling plot revelation.

Finally, Alex summons up his courage and heads to the springs to meet his girlfriend. Squeak says for the fiftieth time that Luna’s going to have his head for being so tardy. I yell at the screen for Squeak to cram it. I sort of get my way, because it’s anime time again! Sitting in a stone chair-type thing in the middle of the spring, Heidi, aka Luna (duh), is singing a song. The song is nothing special–a “la la la” tune we’ll hear five hundred times before the end of the game–but we’re supposed to get the idea that Luna’s singing is bar none. Anyway, the birds love her because she’s pretty and has a great set of…pipes. She feigns surprise as she hears Alex playing his ocarina behind her. An ocarina? Holy crap, how gay can you get? Luna giggles stupidly before standing up to greet her ocarina-playin’ man. In a sweet, vapid voice, she “scolds” Alex for being late, and asks him where he’s been. “Were you whittling away the morning at [the Dyne Memorial Hunk of Marble] again? Or were planning more make-believe adventures with [Ram-It]?” She says all this like Alex is about five years old. Shrew.

I don’t remember Snow White having blue hair.

I should note right now that she pronounces Ram-It’s name as “Ray-mus.” I don’t care, my nickname stands.

So now we have our (nearly) complete picture of Luna: a sweet, extremely attractive girl with a song in her heart, a spring in her step, and a scarf on her head. Also, she’s doing it with the hero. There may be a few of you out there thinking, “Hey, I’ve seen this character before!” If so, you’ve probably read the Grandia II recap. This similarity is due to the fact that Game Arts knows not how to handle main female characters other than using the Mary Sue template. Luna is one of Game Arts’ first characters, so you could say she’s the prototype Game Arts Mary Sue. This will be her new name, except we’ll call her “Gams” for short.

Squeak, because he’s an idiot, immediately spills the beans about Ram-It’s proposed Dragon Diamond hunt. Gams is super-pissed at Alex, and Alex is super-pissed at Squeak. They’re about to go at it when another earthquake rocks the town, accompanied by what sounds to me like screechy feedback from a crappy set of speakers. Gams says it sounded like a roar. Uh…okay. Squeak says it must have been the White Dragon. He and Alex turn to leave, but Gams completely guilt trips him about going on this adventure and becoming a man. See, she feels sad because he’s growing up without her, leaving her behind, and the story must always, always center on the Mary Sue. Alex eventually caves and agrees to let Gams tag along. She’d better turn out to be the kind of Mary Sue that uses magic AND whoops ass with a sword, or I’m going to have one hell of a shitty battle party.

Sick, Squeak.

Back in the town proper, I take the opportunity to talk to some of the NPCs again. I’m rewarded for my persistence by a guy hitting on Gams, a little kid begging to hear her sing (she, of course, obliges), another guy complimenting her (spoiler!) goddess-like musical abilities, and a girl hitting on Alex, making Gams good and jealous. And there is much eye-rolling and gagging. By me, not them.

Gams orders Alex to be a good boy and ask his parents’ permission to go to the White Dragon Cave, and since he’s pussywhipped, that’s where the group goes next. Inside the house, Alex inspects some of the furniture, only for Gams to chew him out for going near her bed and her stuff. Oh my God, they ARE siblings! Ew! Actually, Alex’s folks adopted Gams as a baby, so technically they’re not related. It’s this kind of mentality that led to Marcia and Greg Brady getting busy. Is that scarier than Alex’s undying love for Dyne the Dead Dude (nickname courtesy the strategy guide)? I don’t know.

Alex’s father, to the surprise of no one, allows Alex and his sister/slampiece to go on their journey. He even gives them weapons, items and a Flame Ring, since he’s such a cool guy. (But Gams gets a slingshot! Crap!) In return, I have to sit through his nostalgia trip about adventuring with Dyne. Wow, so his dad actually knew this legendary chap? No wonder everyone and their grandma thinks Alex will become the Dragonmaster. Alex’s mom also agrees to let them go, but makes a huge honking deal out of her baby becoming a man. For once I’d like to see an RPG mom who doesn’t care about her kid, wastes her life at the bar and hits on sailors. Then again, if all RPG characters had moms like that, there would be a lot more Tiduses. So never mind.

Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

Now that Alex can become a hero with his parents’ blessing, the party files to the village entrance to meet up with Ram-It. He’s a little concerned about Gams traveling with them, since this adventure is for men only. Never mind that Alex has no spine, Ram-It is the antithesis of masculine, and Squeak sounds like Gams after a little helium inhalation–they are manly men! Gams begs–since when do they need Ram-It’s permission, anyway?–and he reluctantly agrees to let her come. Now that the party is together, I take this opportunity to check out equipment, only to discover that Alex evidently owns an orange earflap hat. The hell? I suppose that means Gams has orange hair, too. Let’s not even get into the fact that brunette Ram-It’s sprite has blue hair. Way to be consistent, game designers.

?????

After all those anime scenes and not-so-subtle references to Gams’s angelic voice, it’s high damn time to explore the White Dragon Cave. The cave is, conveniently enough, only a short jaunt away from Burg. And here the writers were, trying to convince me that this was some kind of epic journey. At the entrance of the cave, a giant hunk of ice bars the path of our would-be heroes. Alex, smart boy that he is, thumbs ahead a few pages in the script and sees why his dad gave him that Flaming Ring. He uses it–they don’t say how or anything–and the ice melts. Go Alex!

For being the very first dungeon in an RPG, the White Dragon Cave is surprisingly difficult. Well, not too surprising, considering who I have in my party. I do things the cheater’s way, and constantly journey back to Burg to heal and buy new and better equipment so Alex will stop getting the snot beat out of him and Gams can start killing things. Ram-It, on the other hand, is an entirely lost cause. To bash us over the head with the fact that he won’t be in the party all that long, when he levels up he only gets boosts to his max hit points. It’s like fighting monsters just makes him get fatter. Speaking of the Plot Tack Hammer of Doom, Gams is a good singer. Wanna know how good? Her songs heal. Excuse me while I throw up my mid-morning snack.

Oh, and FYI, Squeak’s function is to randomly revive party members. And by “randomly,” I mean “never.” How funny–I wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that he’d be worthless in battle.