Maroda fills the girls in on the Sun Vault, bragging that the Youth League were the ones to find it. He also gives the place a name, the “Den of Woe.” It was sealed around the time of Operation Mi’ihen, Maroda says, and Yuna makes another try to ask about Isaaru which Maroda again ignores with difficulty. Oh, come on, Maroda! Whatever Isaaru’s done, it can’t be all that bad! It’s not as though he cast his fervent faith in Yevon aside and went on to become a smarmy game show host or anything! Surely you can find it in your wounded brotherly heart to forgive him? No? Okay, have it your way. Let’s get on with the exposition, then.
The last thing Maroda tells us about the Den of Woe is that the door’s seal is supposed to open if you have the right combination of spheres. Well, thank you for clearing that up for me Brother McPissypants. I never could’ve figured it out five minutes before with the elaborate set up scenes and obvious hints. God.
My clubhouse! No girls allowed!
Either way, our little tour of the Den of Woe has come to an end. Maroda informs the girls that this place is off-limits while the Youth League investigate a little further, and he kicks them out. It’s somewhat amusing to see just how agitated Maroda becomes when Yuna approaches him after the scene ends.
Loading ...Yuna and the girls take the hint and head back up to the main part of Mushroom Rock Road, where once again, there are lame ice puns and buttplugging in spades. It’s like the game designers know that Yuna’s about as effective in battle as a cardboard hammer, and they want to make sure she can at least hold her own against a fearsome foe like, say, a bunny, with all this enforced level fighting. Those domesticated lop-ears sure are mean, aren’t they?
Run away!
Eventually we reach the lift and former Chocobo Knight cum Youth Leaguer Elma. She’s as pleased as punch to see Yuna, so much so that she forgets to play the “don’t you remember me?” game and does all of Yuna’s remembering for her. Oh, Elma, you’re such a nice girl. Our reward for finally reaching the lifts is the mission complete screen, a glass buckle and the “Heart of Flame” garment grid. Hey, not too shabby. Now Yuna can grill up that bunny she killed back there.
Just before getting into the lift, Yuna takes another little trip down memory lane to the spot where Auron’s Sphere had been in FFX to grab herself an accessory called “Favorite Outfit.” This is probably a pair of ratty old sweat pants and a stained Tweety Bird t-shirt, since God knows nobody could run around in a pair of ass-chafing Daisy Dukes and be vacantly chipper all the time, not even when it’s Yuna we’re talking about. Anyway, with the new accessory in hand, it’s time to head up the lift to the Youth League headquarters and straight into another pile of Yuna’s wankese as she explains what the Youth League are all about. I try to tell myself that she’s really doing it for me, that I’m so stupid that I haven’t paid one damned bit of attention during the entire game and I need things like this spelled out for me in big letters. Because if I should happen to remember that Yuna’s really telling this to Tightass the Wanker King, I might hide myself under the covers and never come out. Forget strange Japanese horror films that make no sense and still manage to scare the shit out of you for weeks, this is true terror in its purest form.
Yuna rides up the lift, getting off (the lift, people, the lift) a little ways away from the Youth League headquaters. The “Restless Sleep” garment grid resides in a treasure chest down a hidden side path, and so I use my mad Brady guide deciphering skills to ferret it out. I don’t know if getting the garment grid helps the completion points or not, but I’d like to think that I spent my money less wastefully on the strategy guide by getting some use out if it other than the cats’ favorite sleeping spot. Leave me to my delusions, damn you.
There’s not much going on in the Youth League headquarters, just your average “people wandering aimlessly while children run around like monkeys on crack” village scene set up that we’ve seen time and again. However, once we get to the entrance of the Youth League main building, Yuna runs into Captain Lucil, the last of our Chocobo Knight buddies from last time. I would like to stress here that not one of our former secondary characters from FFX have changed at all or even done so much as change their clothes in the two years between the events of FFX and now. Now, usually, I am thrilled with being able to fit into clothing I wore two years before, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t do with a new pair of pants every now and again. And besides, if I had to wear Lucil’s outfit for any length of time, I’d never leave my house.
Lucil tells Yuna how glad she is to see her, and stresses that Meyvn Nooj has been most anxious to speak with Yuna, but he’s very busy today with planning and can’t come out. There’s more talk about how important the spheres are to the Youth League’s plans and Lucil almost blabs about the SUPA SEKRET mission herself, but she manages to catch herself in time. Lucil, the girls might sleep with you, so why don’t you just spill it? I’m sure all the yuri-crazed fanboys are about to expire from the girl on girl non-action in this recap anyway. So sorry, my lads, but the hot springs scenes are a ways away from here. You’re just going to have to suffer.
Approaching Lucil again gets us more exposition about the Youth League and their need for spheres. We also find out that a “very valuable” sphere was stolen from them. I notice that Yuna makes no offer to give up that spiffy Crimson Sphere we found back in the Den of Woe to see if that’s the sphere Lucil is talking about. And besides, it wouldn’t matter anyway, since the conversation moves quickly on to the awesomeness of Meyvn Nooj and his generous open-door policy with regards to potential Youth League members, even if they do steal shit. Lucil ends her chat with a thinly veiled offer for Yuna to join the Youth League.
And since you just can’t get too much exposition in one day, as soon as Yuna spots Maechen sitting down near the Youth League headquarters, she runs right over there to get the scoop from our favorite Exposition!Man. He’s so happy to see her, he can think of nothing better than to celebrate with one of his patented E!M stories. Now, I have no intention of recapping everything Maechen is about to say, because, I stopped listening after the first three sections. I’m only in this for the completion points, the affection as I bear for Dwight Schultz and his lovely rendition of Maechen aside. Besides, E!M’s going to end up letting me down and breaking my heart later, so consider this my pre-emptive revenge on the old fart.
Yuna’s more polite than I am, staying happily attentive through the entire sordid history of New Yevon and the formation of Youth League as Maechen rattles on, grateful for the audience. Of course, the words are probably echoing up there in her pretty little head, bouncing around off all the empty space, amusing her to no end. And this leads me to a question. Why the in the hell do all these idiots spend their time running all over Spira searching for spheres of the past and causing mischief everywhere? All you have to do is go have a nice cuppa with Maechen and he’ll tell you everything you need to know! Oh, nooooooo we have to go and make things needlessly difficult, don’t we game designers? Hmph.
This reminds me of visits with my Grandpa.
After Maechen has finished his story, Spira’s landmass has shifted from tectonic drift, and Yuna’s poor little feeties are tired. Still, Maechen has one last request from Yuna before we’re free to go. He’d like very much if he could shake Yuna’s hand, and Yuna is happy to oblige him. As they’re enjoying their moment of bonding, Maechen drops a few not-so-subtle hints about his upcoming departure from Spira. And when I say “not-so-subtle” I mean it in the Shh! Auron’s dead! method of hint-dropping used earlier. I swear, these plots twists just jump right out and surprise the hell out of you if you don’t keep up.
With that, we’ve done all we can do here in the Youth League headquarters, so it’s time to head back. Our trip back down Mushroom Rock Road is about as exciting as our trip back up, not very if you don’t count being ass-raped by a Tonberry and barely escaping. Down at the entrance to Mushroom Rock Road, Yuna talks with Clasko again, because his whining probably reminds her of Tightass and his nasal cacophony of wank.
Clasko has a lot on his mind, it seems. He’s restless, bored, and wants to get away from the Youth League for a place where a man who loves chocobos can live, free of censure! I hope Clasko never meets up with The Prophet, folks, I really do. Clasko asks Yuna if he can tag along and catch a ride on the El Celsioso so he can find his place in the world. After considering the matter, Yuna agrees, and Clasko stops whining long enough to thank her.
Psyche!
Our good deed done, Yuna hits the nearest save point and heads back up to the El Celsioso to view Crimson Report 1 with Shinra, which we apparently got from Crimson Sphere 9, as unlikely as that seems. Maybe the game designers are just trying to confuse me with their numbers game or I’m just stupid and didn’t notice it before now. I’m sure that if I got this tiny little detail wrong, someone will write me with a lovely “correction” email to tell me about it, or someone will say something about it on the forums. So, my dearies, if this tiny little detail in my recap is wrong, I have only one thing to say to you — Deal. Now, shut up, ’cause we’ve got movie sign and we’re going to watch Crimson Report 1.
Yeah? How’d you figure THAT out?
The feed is grainy and dark but clearly, some killin’ has occurred as pyreflies stream off in droves and we hear Hardy say, “What a mess” off camera. But Hardy’s not finished with his observations, you see, as next he happily announces, “Let’s see. Total survivors of the final Crimson Squad selection exercise: zero, zilch and zipall. Job done.” Laurel, not happy with this cavalier tally of the dead admonishes Hardy with, “You pinhead. Did you even count?” Laurel’s voice sounds strangely close to celebrated actor and Slytherin House lust-bucket Alan Rickman in this scene, something that disturbs me no small amount, as I am an unabashed Alan Rickman fangirl. Yes, I know that he’s old enough to be my dad. Leave me alone.
Speaking of leaving alone, our time with Yuna, Paine and Rikku has come to an end for this recap, so we leave them wandering aimlessly around the El Celsioso’s bridge, idly wondering why so many guys get off on having them parade around in a fursuit — oh, sorry, Mascot dress sphere. Sam’s taking the reins for our next adventure with the Dullwings, so don’t miss out. I’ll see you again in Part 6!