To someone accustomed to wearing little to no clothing, the moogle suit is unbearably hot. So we get to listen to Yuna bitching. “Shall we finish this before Yuna passes out?” Paine asks sarcastically. I say no. Rikku tells Yuna they’re off to the concert as she and Paine run off to star in an overdone FMV. With her girlfriends gone, Yuna has no choice but to begin wanking. The plan was to sneak into the impostor’s concert and recover the Garment Grid. If I went in, our cover would be blown, so it was up to Rikku and Paine. I realize that Yuna is SOOPER FAMUS and all, but the three of them couldn’t come up with any disguise for Yuna short of sticking her in this ridiculous outfit? Wigs? Sunglasses? Normal length pants? I guess it’s not too difficult to believe, with these geniuses.

Yuna explains that her task in this whole mess was to just hang out in the moogle costume and wait for her bitches to do all the grunt work. And that’s how I got stuck with the Gullwings’ prized…garment, she continues. Now, I screwed up one too many times in my only playthrough to actually get the Mascot dressphere, but judging by the pictures, that’s what this is. So I guess it’s good enough for Yuna to use for “plot purposes,” but I still have to jump through an assload of irritating hoops to actually earn the damn thing. Stupid game designers. I complained, but Brother’s orders are still orders, at least when it’s convenient for the plot, she finishes. A bunch of kids run up to her and start pumping their hands in the air. Yuna looks put-upon. It’s kind of how I look right now.

Sphere Recorder Bob returns to his usual perch above the Luca balcony, as I gain control of Flashback!Moogle!Yuna. There’s only one way to go — back down the stairs. So I do. This returns us to the present. Thank God we get to see Yuna’s ass again — that whole minute and a half of moogle suit put me into severe withdrawal. As the girls stand at the entrance to the town square (where Yuna and Tightass had their stupid Zanarkand conversation), Rikku asks Yuna what the heck she did while they were beating the shit out of guards and flashing Sphere Recorder Bob. Hold on a second — if Sphere Recorder Bob was at the concert with his camera up “Yuna’s” skirt, then who the hell was recording the moogle in the flashbacks? I think I just created my own plothole. I’m a game designer, yay!

Anyway, Yuna tells them it’s “top secret” as another crowd of dumbasses surrounds her. A girl whines about losing her balloon. Sphere Recorder Bob follows the balloon as it floats skyward, taking this chance to do an artsy fade-in to the flashback. The first shot we see is of our very favorite feature of Luca — the penis balloons! Oh, glorious day! Sphere Recorder Bob (or his twin) pans back down to the square, where Flashback!Moogle!Yuna strikes a pose on the stairs. She trundles down to the bottom, where she whines, “Oh, hurry up.” I love how Yuna has risked her life to bring happiness to the people of Spira, and even played a huge part in destroying Sin, but she can’t stay in a stupid moogle costume for five minutes. Strong, my white ass.

As she stands there feeling sorry for herself, a random guy with a cylindrical helmet tells her to “get over here.” Uh-oh! I detect wacky hijinks! Sure enough, when she tracks down Helmet Guy (who has taken it upon himself to hide behind a fucking booth, just to make it difficult for me), he asks if she’s there to “promote the concert.” Yuna, to her credit, tells him no, but he doesn’t listen to a word she says. After all, why else would someone be in a moogle suit? Don’t answer that. Did I do it because I couldn’t turn him down, or because the conversation was over before I had the chance? Yuna wonders. I love how she knows on some level that she’s a total pushover.

Heh…she said ‘hard’ and ‘job’…heh.

The minigame that follows must be the result of some serious hallucinogens. I know I say that a lot, but this seriously takes the pot-filled cake. I’m worried that the cops will bust down my door just for possessing this game. Yuna, as a moogle, must hand out ten balloons to people around the square in order to promote Lesbianc’s concert. This sounds straightforward enough, I’m sure. Where the crack part comes in is that Yuna gets into this job a little too much. As she gives balloons to the freaked out people, she talks like a mix between a retarded Julia Child and a pedophile. Strangely, no one runs away screaming, but one guy does give her some ‘tude.

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After Yuna gives out her tenth balloon and I can stop watching the game through my fingers, Rikku’s voice sounds over the walkie-talkie with her “Y, R, P…in position” line. Thankfully, we don’t have to watch that opening scene again. But, back in the present, Rikku does try to remind us of that debacle by describing it to Yuna. “You think [Lesbianc] was enjoying herself?” Yuna wonders. Where the hell did that come from? Now she wants to make sure her impostor thief was happy while displaying Yuna’s ass to the crowd? Whatever, Yuna. Paine responds, “Until she got hurt.” There’s that word again. You know, I think that for each recap, we should designate a new word to replace “hurt” in Paine’s vocabulary. Just to mix it up a bit. So this recap’s special word — phrase, rather — is “penis pump.” Let’s rewind. Paine responds, “Until she got penis pumped.”

Flashback time! Moogle!Yuna wonders to herself if the impostor really looks like her. See, even Yuna thinks it’s fishy. That means it’s a dumb idea, game designers. But when Yuna tries to walk right into the concert, a guard tells her to scram. It’s supposed to be all funny and ironic because Yuna can’t get into her own concert! Ha ha ha! Another guard shows up to warn Guard #1 of some meanie gatecrashers (hint: Rikku and Paine). “Must be those sphere hunters,” Guard #1 says ominously. Uh-oh! In unison, the two guards change into Lesbianc goon outfits and run in to get their asses kicked. Yuna, apparently unaware that these guys are as wussy as…well, Tightass, is all, “Oh shit.” Like any true heroine, she runs off the other way as fast as her stubby moogle legs can carry her.

Standing near one of the docks, she wanks, I hadn’t heard from Rikku or Paine, so I didn’t know what to do… Thinking for yourself is soooooo haaaaard. She hears Rikku call out, “Hold still!” from behind her. “It’s me!” Yuna dorks, spotting her impostor running toward her. She manages to outrun them somehow, ending up on all fours behind some boxes. The whole healing-from-random-moogle sort of makes sense now. Which makes one whole thing in this entire game. Rikku sure was having fun, Yuna comments as Rikku stands behind the bent-over moogle. Heh. When the coast is clear, Yuna stands up to see Laurel. He pauses to look at Moogle!Yuna — in slo-mo — as a suspenseful heartbeat throbs in the background. Yuna — not in slo-mo — puts her moogle hands to her moogle face in fear. Continuing in slo-mo, Laurel faces forward and walks toward the place where he’ll ultimately get his ass kicked. I love how the game designers tried to make this about ten times more ominous and suspenseful than it actually is. Yuna, meanwhile, doubts the abilities of her friends. As soon as the music speeds back up, she decides to help them out.

Taking off her moogle head, the entire costume dissolves into a bunch of confetti as Yuna transforms into her Gunner outfit. Hold on here. So the moogle costume was actually a dressphere as I suspected earlier, right? Then where the hell did Yuna get a Garment Grid? I can’t believe this. They just added another asinine thing into this scene. The mind boggles. Then, instead of continuing in the washed-out flashback mode, the view changes once again to the grainy sphere recording. Only this time, we see the Laurel and Hardy confrontation from a different view, with Gunner Yuna in the foreground. In other words, this is a scene we didn’t see previously. So why did they have to show it in grainy sphere mode? And yet another addition to the list. Hopefully I can make it to the end of this without my head exploding into ten billion pieces. It’s not looking good right now.

“Here comes the real Yuna!” Yuna (duh) states the obvious. The scene fades out before any more blatant plot holes can open up a door to another dimension. Back in the present, Rikku playfully accuses Yuna of stealing all the fun. “I guess I was so glad to get out of that thing that I went a little nuts,” Yuna says, like wearing a moogle suit is akin to a stay in a concentration camp. “That explains the dancing,” Paine monotones, reminding me of yet another thing that I wanted to forget. Of course, Paine’s all about the Yuna ass shots. Brother the stalker overhears this part of the conversation and shrieks over the walkie-talkie, “Yuna’s dancing? Where? I am there!” Poor bastard. El Celsioso shows up just in time to see absolutely nothing.

And this travesty wouldn’t be complete without a reminder that Yuna is wanking all of this to the dead Tightass. So this is my life now, she says as the Piano of Poignancy and Pointlessness tinkles all over the background. We travel from place to place, and the days just seem to fly by. But sometimes I find myself stopping…I’m listening for your whistle. Jesus God, where on earth did that come from? Just when I start to think that I’m just being paranoid and that the game designers aren’t just throwing stuff in to cause me great amounts of pain and suffering, something like this comes along. They really are out to get me. Don’t deny it.

Thankfully, the mission is now complete, though I didn’t really do much except stab an icepick into my ear. That means I get to see a nice penisy shot of El Celsioso before rejoining Yuna on the bridge. I have yet another chance to stop the recap, but we’re not done in Luca yet. I can hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth already. The map screen says that “there are signs of another sport taking root in the streets of Luca.” The “streets” part combined with the less than concealing outfits of the girls makes me wonder what exactly the sport is. Do I want to find out? Not really, but I’ll go anyway.

In the left side locker room corridor under the stadium, a little person wearing a humiliating bird beak and double-pointed hat announces that “This hall has been reserved as a meeting place for Sphere Break players.” When Yuna says that she’s never heard of this Sphere Break thingamabobber, Bird Beak directs her toward the right side locker room corridor to talk to the sponsor of the game. Cripes. In a “plot twist” that is completely unheard-of in this game, the sponsor turns out to be someone they’ve met before. It’s Rin!

He greets Yuna, bending his face down to boob level. “It’s been too long,” Yuna says. Too much information, there. Rin makes sure to kiss Yuna’s ass (not like he can miss it), saying that people have a lot of time on their hands to sit around and play inane games now that Sin isn’t killing them left and right. He brings up this Sphere Break thing again, noting that the “inaugural tournament” will be held in Luca. I sure hope I get to take part in that. To my great surprise and pleasure, Yuna agrees to compete in the tournament. Hate you guys…so much. Rin invites them to ask some of the random NPCs to tell them the rules of Sphere Break. Of course, they need to go to the left side again to do this. Jeebus.

That sounds a little bit too personal to be sharing with random strangers.

I go through the tutorial because I’m not sure if I can skip it and still get all the story completion points. The Sphere Break tutorial may actually be shorter than the blitzball tutorial, though not by much. I’m bombarded with information on spheres, coins, echo bonuses, combos, basic math, and other such things that will soon pass completely from my mind. With any luck, I won’t have to be the one who recaps the tournament. Sorry, Kelly and Sam. My tape even gets sick of hearing about this Sphere Break crap, as it suddenly runs out of room. I guess that’s my cue to (finally) end this thing.

Now that my brain has leaked out through my ears, I feel that my dues have been paid to the other recappers. Kelly will be taking the reins next time as she encounters the oft-mentioned Youth League for the very first time. I bet it’s full of really cool people. Until Part 5!