YOU GUYS.

Posted by Sam
05.29.14

If you haven’t taken a moment today to read about the greatest wedding in history, please do so. I’ve had an epiphany.

Consider the following facts of the Kimye union:

– The venue was the Forte di Belvedere, an elegant “castle” that is, in reality, a military fortification.

– The wedding was presided over by black marble naked man statues.

– One major stumbling block for the wedding was a spotlight shining on a woman’s crotch.

And MOST IMPORTANTLY:

– The dinner table was a slab of marble with names engraved onto it, many of them misspelled.

There’s just no way around it. Kanye and Kim had a Suikoden-themed wedding.

#blessed

#blessedunion #nowitsart

9 thoughts on “YOU GUYS.”

  3. Sam Post author

    It can’t be a Suikoden-themed wedding, it was a straight couple getting married.

    Yeah, except:

    Also two hours before the wedding, Kanye decided he didn’t need the 80 moving lights that he had ordered installed to light the dance floor and the party, declaring, “I’m in the center of this party, and I’m the only one people need to see. The rest of these people don’t need lights on them.”

    Kanye then gave a 45-minute toast to himself.

    Kim was pretty incidental to these proceedings. Kanye would have married a mirror if they’d let him.

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  4. demidaemon

    All of this is hilarious to me, especially the picture.

    But, If Kanye is Jowy and Kim is Jillia (which makes a weird kind of sense), then does Kanye have a slice on the side who is his best friend from days past that he left for his non-entity of a woman? Let’s take this metaphor to its most obvious conclusion. 😉

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  6. Sam Post author

    I was gonna say Jay-Z is Barry in this scenario, but I don’t know who would be Beyonce. Nanami? I’m going with Nanami. Fuck it.

    The only other thing Jeanne and I determined was that Sasarai would be the Jaden Smith stand-in running around in a white Batman costume.

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  7. Jeanne

    Also, the minimalist sound system would be Annallee’s silent “singing.”

    I shouldn’t have to say this, but obviously the golden toilet tower is shaped like a penis.

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  9. TsuNoBa

    That revelation totally makes up for the terrible, indescribable feelings I got while reading that article.

    And since it’s difficult to tell someone’s tone of voice over the internet, I will clarify that I am completely serious. That article horrified me, but the epiphany made it all better.

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