I have to say it’s amazing how much Jailbait’s friends stick to their prescribed course here. Albedo has his brother in a very nonconsensual embrace and is literally talking about how good he smells because of the hormones coming off his body, and Ziggy and Shion still tell Jailbait he has to calm down, instead of yelling, “LET HIM GO!” or something. Like, I get it, Albedo is exploiting that his fiery redhead twin is a hothead. Who doesn’t get that yet? Let me know so I can run a battery of cognitive tests on you, and then help you run for President of the United States. But also, who would be calm in this situation? “You’re right, I’ve gotta get my emotions under control while my sociopath brother is getting ready to possibly eat me alive and make up for what he didn’t accomplish in the womb.” And OF FUCKING COURSE, Shion chooses now to repeat, “Don’t you want to make peace with your brother?” The upside to Ziggy murdering me a minute ago, leaving me to be discovered half-eaten by my dog, is that Shion’s pathological stupidity and hypocrisy can no longer harm me. The babble just flies through my ectoplasmic form like air! I’m free!

Albedo, like me in this one respect only, has no room in his life for Shion’s bullshit. “Peace? I’ll have you know, Rubedo and I are the best of pals.” He’s literally choking Jailbait as he says this, which, style points as usual. Just to further demonstrate to Shion how well thought-out her plan for sibling reconciliation is, he reaches his hand through Jailbait’s ass back. He wiggles his fingers through the hole in his brother’s abdomen, and I choose to believe he’s waving at Shion. Using him as a perverse hand puppet is finally too far for Jailbait, who screams even louder and radiates even more power. Albedo is of course delighted and encourages his brother to succumb to his rage. This is going to end with Jailbait saying some really regrettable stuff on Facebook, and then claiming he was blackout drunk and/or taken out of context.

It actually ends with the force of Jailbait’s fireball blasting Albedo off his jock. The latter lands in the snow with a whump, but rises again, crackling with purple lightning bolts. This feels a little early in the game for a boss fight with Albedo, but that is nonetheless what we are doing. Jailbait, Shion, and KOS-MOS shoulder this burden–it’s really the least Shion can do after all that nonsense about making nice with this homicidal lunatic. To start, Albedo mostly launches blasts of air at the party while giggling and rolling around in the air like an anime otter. As one does. The party spends their time, meanwhile, stocking up combo points. This is a totally normal thing to do in any of this game’s boss fights, but I am choosing to interpret this as them refusing to rise to Albedo’s bait, like parents pointedly ignoring a child’s tantrum, at least until they’ve saved up enough energy to deliver the ass-beating the little ingrate deserves. This feels valid particularly when they do start their attacks, and Albedo responds by groaning, “That’s it, I love it!” and “That tickles!” So glad I’m still dealing with this gross edgelord piece of shit in the year of our lord 2017. He’s holding up so well.

Well, at least he didn’t go blind.

A smattering of normal attacks cause Albedo’s appendages to go numb. HIS ARMS, guys. If our heroes “tickle” him enough, his numb arms explode right off his body. Yeah, you know what, I change my mind–we are absolutely talking about his dick, no matter what the game says. (I already have regrets about how this has gone, and thus am trying not to think about Jailbait stealing a skill called Awakening I from Albedo. No. I cannot disappear down this peehole.) With his arms disabled, I guess he can’t hold them up in front of his stupid pervert face and protect himself from the power of his brother’s little six-shooters. Why not, it makes as much sense as anything else.

Albedo’s sleeves must be made out of vibranium or something if they survived his arms exploding.

I take too long in setting up for the big teamwork beatdown–I specifically need the boost order to go Jailbait -> KOS-MOS -> Shion because of the way each characters’ attacks work, and they happen to not line up right–and Albedo’s arms regenerate. “You haven’t forgotten my powers, have you?” he gloats while cracking his wrists back into place. No, I don’t think I did, asshole! It’s not like I didn’t just watch the world’s most tedious flashback that still included an exploding head. But I am mostly annoyed at myself for maybe missing my opportunity in there somewhere. The game, though, can’t just leave it left unsaid that I fucked up and am bad. A box appears on the screen after Albedo’s turn: “Sakura’s consciousness passed through their minds. Follow with Boost after attacking the BC zone… Sakura’s consciousness is gone.” And two rounds later: “Sakura’s consciousness passed through their minds. After attacking the BC zone, follow with Boost and hit the CB zone to Break.” Sakura’s consciousness can mind its own fucking business! I’ve got this!

Indeed, once his dick has evaporated in a black mist a second time, I actually get my opening to boost KOS-MOS off of Jailbait, and two-thirds of Albedo’s HP is gone in one sequence. I’m sure Sakura thinks her imaginary digital boyfriend from the future only managed this because of her helpful advice. After one more round of stocking and boosting and making Albedo explode in masochistic ecstasy and hating myself for it, Jailbait shoots his brother’s prone body on the ground until Albedo can no longer stand. Good. Stay down there, and stop enjoying it.

Of course that doesn’t happen, because this is Xenosaga, and around these parts what you do in a boss fight doesn’t matter–what matters is what the characters do immediately afterward, without any input from you. To that end, Albedo has gone from “I’m not even mad, I’m laughing really” to visibly mad, and he and Jailbait are now having a sibling yell-off while charging up their power auras. I know, I know, that could describe literally every interaction they’ve ever had, but I have to recap the scene I’m dealt, guys. The repetition of this cycle between the twins does make me think of their vestigial triplet, and that he is fittingly the only one of the three not present for their sojourn into their childhoods. The Fates have clearly determined it is his lot in life to be a sad third wheel. But at least he’s probably having a chill time not partaking in the family drama, with no imminent threat looming over his head like the Penis of Damocles. Yup. He’s fine. You two just keep focusing on each other.

The brothers’ auras clang into each other with sparks at the center of their incestuous Venn diagram. “No, [Jailbait]!” Shion calls, with the exact inflection I use when my dog barks and pulls on his leash to get at a skateboarder. “If you fight Albedo, you’ll just be hurting yourself.” In that same spirit, I will add, “What do you think is going to happen? You’re not going to win a fight with the UPS truck.” Sorry, but thinking about my dog is the only thing getting me through Shion’s condescending platitudes. And EVEN BETTER, Ziggy has another contribution. “Wait, Shion,” he says. “[Jailbait] is losing control.” UH NO SHIT. Does he think Shion is lecturing Jailbait on calming down because of how cool and collected he is? It’s finally happened: I would rather listen to Shion than listen to Ziggy. What has become of me? WHERE MY COUNTRY GONE?

While I’m having an existential crisis on top of being an angry poltergeist, MOMO is taking in the pyrotechnics between Dudley Doright and Snidely Whiplash. As it went in the Phallus of Nephilim, so it goes here: MOMO sees Jailbait and Albedo rubbing up on each other with their psychic powers, and the distress of it is enough to bring her out of La La Land. In Encephalon and in the real world, she screams, “Stop!” And they both do! Wow! Did you know sometimes men listen?!

When your body wants to let slip the dogs of war, but will only destroy itself: Please Enjoy Arby’s.

Unfortunately, they did not stop because of their respect for MOMO, but because it’s now MOMO’s turn to go critical. As–sorry to repeat myself here–her friends around her stare and do nothing, MOMO, trembling and terrified, is encased in a beam of golden light that connects to a blue rune forming in the sky. Is this the queue for Albedo Piazzolla, Super Genius, to pretend this was all part of his byzantine scheme? “You fell for it, ma pêche! You’re so easy to manipulate, my mechanical angel.” OH FUCK YOU.

So Less Evil Steve Bannon here had a fairly simple problem: he needed to acquire the MacGuffin Data, which, remember, he obtained when MOMO was his captive but couldn’t access thanks to its encryption, i.e. a naked Shion hologram titty-slapping him in the face. Thus, his perfect solution:

1) Plant a trigger in MOMO’s mind–before he even knew the data was, er, booby-trapped–that would allow him access into her brainhole;
2) Let her escape with her friends, sit in his mech, and jack off, while convincing himself that his failure was actually ALL ACCORDING TO PLAN;
3) Wait for said friends to access the MacGuffin Data themselves, and then set off some alarms to make them all think the data was in danger, so MOMO would shut herself down to protect it;
4) Assume said friends would resolve to dive into Encephalon to fix MOMO, and that this would entail a nature walk through his own fucking childhood;
5) Give Jailbait enough time (say, five minutes) to get so incensed with what a fucked-up little serial killer young Albedo was that he’ll lose control of his emotions;
6) Spring the real trap that allows him inside the simulation and continue riling up Jailbait until MOMO gets upset enough to wake up, leaving the MacGuffin Data accessible and unprotected.

Like, am I nuts, or would it have been faster and simpler to just hack her brain to leak the data to the U.M.N.? He literally opened a U.M.N. column into her brain earlier, and it’s not like we’ve established any limits for what Albedo is capable of doing on this front. Every single person in this series is playing fucking Calvinball. Was Albedo just really eager to reminisce about the good old days, or at least to watch others do it? And why was the data protected by birthday suit Shion before, but isn’t now? And–maybe a more relevant question–would this intricate and super necessary plan have worked at all if these dunderheads would have LISTENED TO ME and left MOMO on that goddamn porch swing, where Jailbait’s mood swings couldn’t have upset her delicate sensibilities? No, hell no, and fuck no.

Albedo is so far past his allotment of talking that I wish I could fine him per syllable, but he is now in the middle of saying, “Mizrahi and his crazy whims… Anyone can see that it would have been smarter not to give you human emotions.” Yeah, Cheekbones, quick fact check: if MOMO didn’t have Real Girl Technology, she wouldn’t have shut herself down to protect Daddy’s data and you would have it already. Also, Mizrahi didn’t give her human emotions as some kind of fucking security measure, you knob, he just decided at the last minute to upload the data to his fake daughter vanity project because the world was ending, he was about to commit suicide anyway, and didn’t have a spare thumb drive nearby. This is all established information!

I cannot believe how often I have to WELL ACTUALLY this game about its own plot. It feels bad. Back in the real world, Dr. Yuri runs into the Cerebro chamber toward MOMO as everybody else comes to. Shion takes half a second to be happy about MOMO being awake–even though she hasn’t shown any visible signs of consciousness out here–before asking Dr. Yuri, “What about the [MacGuffin] Data?” Dr. Yuri does not mince words. “It’s gone,” she says, the addendum “GREAT JOB” loaded, unspoken, into her tone. “The thing we feared most these last fourteen years… The key…” As Shion stares uncomprehending at her, she finishes, “The wheels have been set in motion. They can’t be stopped.” If we are to believe Wilhelm–the only person who can match Albedo in grandstanding gibberish monologuing–the wheels have been in motion for some time now. The wheels to Miltia, that is! BEEP BEEP.

Speaking of Albedo, as much as I would prefer never to do so again, he’s once again chilling in space in his mech. I guess he’s physically been here the entire time. He opens his eyes wide with delight as his ship glows pink and purple and he watches little streaks of rainbow-colored code and characters stream upward all around him. “This is it,” he says. “The Key to the Abyss. The gospel that will awaken Miltia.” Looks like Shion’s rack couldn’t hold it in any longer. As the light glows ever brighter in his cabin, illuminating him as well, and the outer armor of his mech is covered in scrolling text, Albedo wonders if Rubedo can feel this codegasm as well. “Let us share our new world!” he says to no one, but I suppose to Jailbait, as he and his mech are consumed entirely by the MacGuffin Data and disappear.

THAT’S OKAY

It would be reasonable to assume that this was just Albedo communing with the MacGuffin Data to teleport to Miltia–my bar for reasonable has been knocked down a few rungs–but a beat later, we are given evidence to the contrary. In the U.M.N. Control Center, Jailbait collapses to the floor, holding his right hand to his chest. Shion asks him what’s wrong as she, Corey, and CHAOS!!!–sing along with me–do nothing to help him. “My chest…” he moans. “My right side… This pain… It’s Albedo’s. His heartbeat is fading. It can’t be… Albedo…” Listen, I’ll believe that prick is dead when I see the body, and have a coroner’s report in my hand, and am the drunkest person at his wake. But if that was really it for him, I cannot imagine a more fitting way for him to go out than to be literally consumed by an obscure ancient text written in rainbows.

At this point, I am prompted, over some artwork of the lovely lavender E.S. Asher, to save and switch to disc 2 (ha, so quaint!), which probably means I’m in for an hour of boring cutscenes. And though I’m sure they’ll be riveting, and won’t at all make me want to fling at least one character into the closest volcano (hi, Ziggy), let’s leave the ensuing baffling montages for the next recap. In part 7, the game designers run out of money and can only afford a solo mission in which Shion blows up boxes and solves conveyor belt puzzles for an hour. Sounds great! My vengeful spirit will see you then!