So we’re left in a proper amount of suspense about which books Jailbait wants to buy, or whether Shion or Jin will bicker anymore, we shift now to Space! and another round of The Villainous Vagina Monologues. Margulis and Wonderbra are meeting–in person for once–with a man we saw briefly in the last game, when all I had to say about him was he had pink hair and looked like Marlon Brando. Well, now that they’re all in the same room and I get a better angle on things, I see that he’s in a futuristic wheelchair. The full effect is that he looks like Doctor Strangelove with maroon hair (yes, it’s maroon now–Monolith Soft fired his hairdresser). And since I don’t know when they will bother getting around to providing his name, it’s Sellers. Like Peter Sellers, get it? It’s so clever! We all feel really cool about ourselves for knowing this!

I should stop hating on Sellers, because the first thing he says here is, “Oh, and as for Pleroma, I went ahead and had it destroyed.” Oh, you beautiful, beautiful man. I could kiss you. “I realize that the fortress was named after the immigration ship from Earth. However, we simply can’t let something tainted by the Federation just float around out there.” Ziggy gave the entire place cyborg clap! That diabolical bastard. Anyway, Sellers is bothering to say all this because apparently Margulis, who looks way fucking unimpressed with what he’s hearing, is attached to historical and religious relics, even shitty asteroid battle stations like Pleroma. Sellers very insincerely apologizes if Margulis has to go cry about this, but Margulis insists he does not actually care, because “Our current Patriarch chose that name in his madness.” He’d better hope Pope Exposition doesn’t have any of these minions wearing a wire, or he will be in so much trouble.

Sellers and Margulis seem like they could bitch about Pope Exposition for another hour, easy, but Wonderbra interrupts them to ask about the task at hand, so Margulis explains to their guest. “Soon, Albedo will break Old Miltia’s seal,” he says. But I’m sure he won’t enjoy it, unless Old Miltia looks like MOMO. This will be the cue for Pope Exposition to order the Immigrant Fleet to invade. To invade Old Miltia? Second Miltia? MOMO? I don’t know. I guess Old Miltia, since the point of the invasion is to acquire the original Golden Penis Plate. Wonderbra, Richard, and Hermann will be doing…something during all this, and Margulis sneers that they had better not fail again. Or what, he’ll monologue at her? Please.

And we’re back to the Uzuki residence! On one hand, I appreciate them breaking up my doses of Shion into more manageable chunks. On the other hand, how is anybody supposed to generate any narrative momentum if they get interrupted by Margulis or fucking Mace every 10 minutes? Anyway, we enter mid-scene as the Uzuki siblings, Jailbait, and CHAOS!!! have retired to Jin’s tea room and are sitting in deeply awkward silence, until Jin says, “And so, you’re saying you want to help them?” The emphasis he puts on “help” pretty much lets us know what he thinks of this, but he goes on anyway, “I can’t condone that. It sounds to me like they’re a couple of skilled professionals. It would be foolish for an amateur like you to get involved.” Dude, harsh. Not wrong, but way harsh. I am getting this close to feeling bad for Shion, and I don’t like it one bit. She appeals to Jailbait and CHAOS!!! to tell her brother how very helpful she’s been up to this point, but they are dead silent and both look like they are trying to sink through the floorboards right now. Pretty sure they are going to politely decline spending Thanksgiving with the Uzukis. Jailbait already has one toxic family to deal with, thanks.

Jin takes Jailbait and CHAOS!!!’s mortified silence as confirmation of his opinions of his sister, and condescendingly decrees that after she rests, “Tomorrow, we’ll go pay our respects to Mother and Father.” You may recall that this was a point of contention for Shion before, and she hasn’t exactly warmed up to the idea in the meantime. Monolith Soft’s scab pianist begins to play a melancholy tune as Shion says, “Wait a minute, Jin. Not this again. I’ve already told you, I’m not going to their graves.” She says no two more separate times before Jin can even reply. Guys, I think Shion doesn’t want to go. But why? Well, after Jin throws some “You’re still their daughter” guilt at her and I heave a deep, disappointed sigh, she hits Jin with her feelings with both barrels: “Mom and Dad aren’t even in those graves! You know just as well as I do where they are! Right? You and I were the only ones there that day. And if you…if you’d only been there sooner, they’d still be…” Wow. Never mind. Jailbait and CHAOS!!! are totally coming to Thanksgiving, and they’re bringing enough popcorn for everyone.

Jin looks away, and Shion, clearly realizing she’s struck a nerve, immediately apologizes, even though it’s just as clear both of them more or less agree with her narrative. The only thing that possibly explains their level of dysfunction is if Shion is stewing in resentment and Jin is stewing in guilt. But a couple things. First, we know Jin was kinda fucking busy the night Old Miltia fell and their parents died, a.k.a. the busiest day in history. So even if Jin feels responsible, Shion is harping on about shit she doesn’t even close to understand. And second, we also know Shion doesn’t exactly have a problem with making a big show of her grief in a cemetery, and BARELY A SPOILER ALERT, that grave is empty too. Even when her brother is being, let’s be real, a huge fucking dick to her, she manages to be just as awful back. Nice going, Uzukis. Shion leaves the room before she manages to air anymore dirty laundry in front of their guests, but she still says before walking out, “Either way, I’m still not going to their graves.” Okay! It’s not like Jin can literally force her. Once she’s gone, Jailbait and CHAOS!!! basically tug at their collars and try not to make eye contact with Jin or each other.

A black screen later, Jin walks his guests out, Jailbait stammering nonsense excuses to Jin so he can get the hell out of there. “I’m very sorry you had to see that,” Jin tells him, cutting straight to the awkward point. “It’s a little embarrassing.” No, saying “You too” when a server tells you to enjoy your meal is a little embarrassing. That was an atomic bomb of embarrassment. Jailbait insincerely insists it was no big deal, but asks, “Are you guys okay?” Yeah, they seem totally fucking fine, man. But Jin goes, “Oh yes. We’re still brother and sister, after all.” I’m sure only because Shion has been too busy perfecting KOS-MOS’s thigh gap to file the necessary paperwork.

Out of nowhere, CHAOS!!! asks if he can stay the night. Clearly he waited until Jailbait made it clear he was leaving before he asked this, so he would be guaranteed some alone time with Jin. Nice. “Shion will be delighted you’re staying,” Jin says, missing the point by about a light year. Jailbait goes, “Well, it’s all right with me,” like CHAOS!!! needs Little Master’s fucking permission. He’s still looking at CHAOS!!! like he’s grown a second third second head, but just tells him he’ll pick him up in the morning for MOMO’s big day. CHAOS!!! is like, “Cool, thanks, BYE-BYE,” and Jailbait finally takes the hint and leaves, without even buying any of those books. I can’t believe they’re not going to pay off Chekhov’s Book Pile.

That evening, Jin is sitting on his back porch, looking out at his beautiful Japanese-style garden (of course) and watching two moths hover over a single lit candle next to him. CHAOS!!! emerges from the house and joins him. I can’t verify this for sure, but I’d say there are better than average odds that they’re gazing up at a bright full moon. If Second Miltia even has a moon. I think I’ve made my point, either way. Jin lets CHAOS!!! listen to the sounds of crickets and the gentle lapping of the water in his goddamn koi pond, and says, “Sounds peaceful, doesn’t it? On nights when I can’t sleep, I find it easier to relax here.” CHAOS!!! may or may not have something that will get him right to sleep. It may have been lurking in the shadows for this very moment.

“It’s Shion, isn’t it?” CHAOS!!! asks. Does he even want Jin to be in the mood? Jin says of course it is. Just what we all need: more people worrying about Shion. Isn’t Corey doing enough for all of us? Jin tells CHAOS!!!, “It’s been two years since we’ve seen each other. I’ve always thought of her as a child, but she won’t…” He chuckles, trails off, and adds, “I think she must have gotten that from our grandfather.” I think he’s saying their grandfather was a heinous stubborn bitch. Not in a position to argue with him, am I? We get a close-up on Jin’s candle as the moths move closer and closer to the tempting flame, until one makes contact and drops away with a “Tssss” noise. So, is CHAOS!!! the one being driven to Jin like a moth to a flame? Or is the flame Schrödinger’s Wang, and Jin is the moth? These are the only readings I will accept.

Jin decides he’s talked about Shion enough and asks CHAOS!!! to get to the point of why he’s sleeping over. It can’t just be to tear off Jin’s kimono, after all. “Um, Jin. About [U-GEE],” CHAOS!!! asks, “are you still…” Is he what? Still spying on them? Is he literally still in a sword fight with Margulis right now? Better still, Jin goes, “Ah, that.” What the hell else did he think CHAOS!!! was going to ask about? “Whoa, it’s that guy I met one busy evening 14 years ago. I wonder how his stamp collection is coming along.” Jin says the Miltian Conflict feels like it was “only yesterday,” but maybe that’s just because nobody looks like they’ve aged a day since it happened, including the people who should have actually aged. “It seems that fate won’t allow me to escape that curse,” he says. “Or, perhaps I brought it upon myself.” By “curse” he surely means “my sister shitting on me 24/7 over our dead parents.” I don’t know what else he could mean.

Jin abruptly switches gears to philosophical nattering, since that tends to get CHAOS!!! harder than diamond. “The human race began its existence as a simple flock of hunters and gatherers,” he drones. “Eventually, we learned to control fire, and from fire, we obtained the power of the blade. Our consciousness constantly changes form in its unending search for the future. When a man finds a guiding light, he runs to it, sometimes forgetting its true nature in the process.” Ugh, we get it, already. People are like moths! The flame is hope! Kingdom Hearts is light! Unlike CHAOS!!!, this is making me consider Jin less fuckable by the second. Then–after the world’s longest pause as the two of them take in the beauty of Jin’s Zen Garden of Freshmen-Level Philosophy Surveys–Jin goes, “Perhaps we humans are like moths.” ARE WE? SO DEEP, DUDE. WOW. The remaining moth tempts fate as Jin continues, “Aimlessly flitting around the inviting candlelight, unaware of the outcome that awaits us.” Then he puts his hand over the flame so the little fucker will go away and give him and his date some privacy.

CHAOS!!! breathily says, “Jin…” and he is ready to go, friends, but Jin gets up to go back inside, and makes sure the mood is dead by bringing up Shion again. The mixed signals out of this guy! “I’m sure she’s caused you all kinds of problems,” he tells CHAOS!!!. “I know she’s a problem, but please, take care of her for me.” Oh my god. Jin let him sleep over, and had him snuggle up close by candlelight, and even wound him up with the world’s most rote analogy of human nature, and it was all to butter him up so he’d keep his sister out of his hair! That motherfucker. CHAOS!!! tries to tell him Shion’s not that bad–nice try, dude, you’re still stuck with her–but Jin only whines, “I…I wasn’t able to be with her when she needed me most. And now, thanks to that, I still can’t let myself get close to her again.” And he won’t let anybody else get close either, CHAOS!!! no doubt thinks bitterly. Jin is still talking. “I think perhaps…I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I try to get any closer, she might turn away, shut me out…and cut me off as her brother.” Okay, I will concede it’s possible that Shion is in fact floating him money on the regular. I mean, otherwise, if it were me, I’d have a glass box full of party decorations, tequila, and red Dixie cups, with a sign saying “Break in case Shion finally cuts me out of her life.”

“Don’t worry,” CHAOS!!! says. “Shion talks about you all the time. If you ask me, she doesn’t seem like the type of person who’d cut off her family.” True. She seems more like the type who would keep them around if needed but hate on them from a distance. Jin picks up on this. “She probably adds the phrase ‘no-good’ when she talks about me, doesn’t she?” CHAOS!!! replies, “Well, sometimes,” but now Jin can laugh about it. Thank goodness–I don’t think I could have taken another minute of him being on the verge of tears because he let down Shion. “You know, it’s strange,” Jin says. “I feel like I can talk to you about anything, [CHAOS!!!].” He adds that CHAOS!!! is, like, totally more mature than he looks, and stuff. CHAOS!!! being a comforting presence and a shoulder to cry on is a common enough occurrence that, if I didn’t also think he had The Dick That Launched a Thousand Ships, I’d wonder if he’d been friendzoned by the entire male cast of the series.

The scene fades, and the two men presumably go back inside and hump. Otherwise that felt like a big waste of our time, didn’t it? The next morning, CHAOS!!! is waiting out front for Shion, who emerges with an apology for keeping him waiting. She’s changed into the outfit she’ll wear for the rest of the game, and though I have no idea where she got her red camisole, flared khakis, cropped black jacket with impossible cutout sleeves, ballet flats, and golden hair chopsticks, since she doesn’t actually live with Jin, I am so relieved that I never have to look at her fugly Vector uniform again that I won’t harp on it. She looks better, is my point. CHAOS!!! understates, “You look like a different person when you’re not in uniform.” But she has to ruin this brief eyeblink in which I feel like I don’t hate her, by asking with fake modesty, “Oh? Does it look bad on me?” Just so CHAOS!!! will say she looks “great” and she can giggle. She is such a tool.

CHAOS!!! asks if it’s okay that she’s leaving without saying anything to Jin, and she totally fucking lies, “Yeah, we talked yesterday. Honestly, I don’t know what I would say if I saw him.” Unless she’s referring to their “talk” yesterday in which she blamed him for their parents’ death. Good talk! She goes on that she would like to be there for MOMO’s analysis, but, “I’ve just got a lot going on right now. I can’t leave [Corey] by himself. Plus I’m worried about KOS-MOS, too.” So…she changed out of her work uniform, to go to work? Still not complaining, but that is stupid. CHAOS!!! assures her that everything will be fine even if Shion Uzuki, Girl Motherfucking Genius, isn’t there to steal the show, because all the actually smart people in the game will be there for MOMO. Shion asks CHAOS!!! to wish MOMO luck, and he’s like, “Cool, later, you hag. Don’t wake up your brother–he’s earned some rest.”

When I’m in control again, it’s of CHAOS!!!, who tells himself the others are waiting for him at the U.M.N. Control Center. So Jailbait isn’t coming to pick him up in the Batlimo after all? What a load. He proceeds to the UMNCC, which is a giant metal Lego brick of a building with a couple golden halos, not unlike the cock ring containment units for the Golden Penis Plates, orbiting the roof. Totally normal place of business. Inside, bopping along to what I can only describe as Phantasy Star Online music, are Gaignun, Jailbait, Ziggy, and MOMO. They’re waiting for Dr. Yuri, and Jailbait says he’s surprised “a Subcommittee specialist would personally get involved.” That seems obtuse, but maybe he’s playing down MOMO’s expectations in case Mommy’s a no-show. Probably wise.

But a beat later Dr. Yuri arrives, stopping a terrified seven feet away from the group. She is not a hugger. Very formally, she thanks them all for their “help during the Proto Merkabah incident.” “Help” implies that anyone else did anything. As Dr. Yuri is talking, MOMO is shifting anxiously on her feet. Ziggy looks down at her, then at Dr. Yuri, and says pointedly, “We couldn’t have done it without MOMO. She was immensely helpful.” And she was! Nobody here feels compelled to lie to spare MOMO’s feelings–not that anyone’s done that up to this point, Shion. No sir. Dr. Yuri replies in a flat tone, “I see. Thanks for your support, MOMO.” It’s obvious to everyone else that she wants nothing to do with her robot baby, but poor MOMO looks like she’s about to float out of the room from this praise, and she squeals, “Mommy!” But just when she’s about to run into her arms, Dr. Yuri glides right past her and asks Jailbait to prepare a room for her to examine the MacGuffin Data. MOMO’s sad toddler theme plays as she watches her mother’s frigid retreating backside. Look, I know nobody in RPGs has a happy family life, but this is getting goddamn ridiculous.

Jailbait glares daggers at Dr. Yuri and goes, “Gladly,” barely refraining from adding, “skank.” But Dr. Yuri sees that she is suddenly under a massive shade tree and, ever the image manager, turns back to MOMO. “Once things settle down,” she says, “it’ll be nice if we can live together.” I hope the nanny she hires is a kind person, is all I’m gonna say. Ziggy would be ideal. As Jailbait and Dr. Yuri walk away, Ziggy puts a hand on MOMO’s shoulder and congratulates her for her mother being forced into a bare minimum of caring. When Busty beckons MOMO to come to her examination room (yikes), MOMO pretty much skips the whole way. I know she’s not real, but I swear, if Dr. Yuri welches on this promise to MOMO I will jump through this screen and choke that bitch out with my bare hands.

Anyway! What a fun, happy game. Back to CHAOS!!!, who is just stepping off the elevator. After hitting the first save point I’ve seen in over an hour, and finding Ziggy unconscious in an examination chair in a room by himself (more on that in a minute), he proceeds straight to the back, blowing past a bunch of NPCs who seem incapable of talking about anything but MOMO’s impending brain scan. It’s not like they do anything else in this gigantic building in charge of transportation and communication for the known universe. Fuck all of that–this little girl is the key to unlocking Joachim Mizrahi’s long-lost chili recipe! Ancient legends say the secret ingredient is chorizo!

Once CHAOS!!! arrives in the corridor where MOMO’s examination will take place, we cut to a scene in an adjoining room, where Dr. Yuri is punching away at a keyboard. Jailbait asks, “Doctor, what was that about?” and she doesn’t even look up as she asks what he means. “You know,” Jailbait clarifies, “acting nice to MOMO all of a sudden.” She flatly wonders if it seemed “unnatural”–little bit, you shrew!–and finally looks up at Jailbait to add, “I know that Joachim designed that Realian to be stimulated by familial warmth.” Yiiiiiiiikes. “In that case,” she says, turning back to her monitors, “fulfilling that need is a necessary part of my job in order to ensure that the examination proceeds smoothly.” I am never making fun of Chris Lightfellow again. She’s the entire weepy cast of Parenthood compared to this android. Jailbait is obviously not impressed. “You know,” he tells her, “pretending to be cold and emotionless is only going to end up hurting you in the end.” Say “end” again, kid.

This seemingly gets to Dr. Yuri, who caresses the metal console nearest her like it’s her sweet daughter’s robot cheek. I don’t know. “That Realian was created by Joachim,” she says. “And that frightens me.” Holy shit, there was almost some emotion in her voice! It’s like seeing a unicorn. Jailbait tells her he doesn’t know much about Mizrahi, or his motives for creating MOMO and the other 100-Series. “But still,” he says, “I made a promise to Sakura.” Whoa whoa whoa. Back up, cowboy. Jailbait knew Sakura Mizrahi? That feels like a bit of a retcon, but let’s just go with it. “So I’m going to treat MOMO like a real girl,” Jailbait goes on. Far from making Dr. Yuri seem more uncaring, this actually makes Jailbait seem like every bit the cynical fraud she is, except he’s better at faking emotions. I don’t see Ziggy needing a reason to treat MOMO like a person. Anyway, they’re both lucky Shion isn’t here to lecture them on Realians Being People, Too.

But what was the promise he made? Did he have some The Notebook romance with Sakura, and took his whole life to find her again, this time as a ghost inside a robot? And now they’ll both stay young forever because old people are gross? “She asked me to look after her mother and sister,” Jailbait replies. Oh. He looks up at Dr. Yuri with pleading in his big blue puppydog eyes. (Leave me alone.) “Please doctor,” he asks. “I’d like you to smile again. I’m sure that’s what Sakura would want, too.” Or, failing that, stop being a hateful slag? That would be a start. Any time now.

Right when Jailbait is starting to chip through that inch-thick layer of frost around Yuri Mizrahi, CHAOS!!! barges unannounced into the room and she leaves with her head down. Nice job, Wangless. Jailbait plays it off as nothing, though, and (sigh) asks how Shion is. “I don’t think there’s anything to worry about,” CHAOS!!! replies. Well, that is accurate, because she is absolutely not worth the effort of worrying. “But,” he adds, “that family does have issues.” Xenosaga II: Dass Familie Hat Probleme. Jailbait makes sure we’re all getting the motif here: “A complicated relationship, huh? Well, I certainly know what that’s like.” And we have barely touched on Jailbait’s own fucked-up family! Well–spoiler–we’ve gotta have something to cringe at in the next recap.