Also, the data in MOMO’s head has a name: the Y Data. I have no excuse for not renaming it the MacGuffin Data back then, but better late than never.
Since he’s probably the least informed person in the room, Corey gets to be the one who asks, “Albedo? Who’s that?” Jailbait, still fondling the balls on the Durandick’s console, mutters back, “My dark half…the part I’ve tried to hide away…” Wait, so the white one is the red one’s dark half? And the black one is nobody’s dark half? Confusing! Corey goes “Dark half?” because Shion had her mouth full at that moment or something.
“[Jailbait],” Ziggy says suddenly, “Get this ship closer to the [Phallus] of Nephilim.” He adds as he walks away, “It isn’t necessary to get too close. Just lend me a shuttle; that’ll be enough.” Because this is totally the time for this kind of nonsense, Jailbait freaks out and demands they have a dick-measuring contest to see who’s going on the solo suicide mission to rescue the girl they both like. Jailbait says Ziggy is a stubborn old fool; Ziggy says Jailbait is a hotheaded little punk with a grudge against Albedo. On the one hand, Jailbait kind of comes off like a little wanker, but on the other hand, this is Jailbait’s ship and it’s not like Ziggy is going to win this argument. So they’re both being stupid. Ultimately, Ziggy gives up on going alone but decides to pass on some Sage Advice™ to Jailbait: “Only allow yourself to think of numbers and battle strategy. Don’t let your mind wander to the faces or voices of those precious to you…even when it seems cruel not to. Too intense of an interference will overwhelm and ruin everything. That’s what I’ve learned over these past hundred years.” Jailbait replies bitchily, “The day numbers and battle strategies replace people…it’ll be game over, cyborg.” Ugh. It’s a good thing he’s got that ass.
Once these two have put the rulers away, we exit Cutscene Land. Gaignun says that the Durandick has to stay put to protect the Foundation from the Gnosis, but he and Jailbait agree that the Elsa would be ideal for shuttling over to the Phallus of Nephilim to rescue MOMO. Jailbait is ready to leave with Ziggy and the Wang, but Shion asks to come along as well. “Don’t be ridiculous!” he snaps at her. “You have any idea what kind of place that is?! Do you know what that lunatic is like?!” Shion doesn’t even present a good reason to let her go–like, I dunno, KOS-MOS–but instead just asks again in what I’m assuming is a whinier voice. So Jailbait’s like “fine” because she might die along the way and then he can decorate the Durandick for the parade.
On a quick round of Talk to Everyone, Shion finds out from Chesty that they could take out the Phallus with the Durandick’s suddenly less impressive cannon, if only MOMO weren’t on board. I like MOMO and everything, but knowing what I’m about to get myself into, I would vote in favor of blowing the place up with her inside. Sadly, I do not get a vote. Shion gets an email from Vector as soon as she steps off the bridge elevator, granting her permission to use two more KOS-MOS techs, S-CHAIN and R-HAMMER. Ooh, a hammer? Is there a phallic weapon that KOS-MOS doesn’t have access to? Two steps later, she gets another motherfucking email, this one from Miyuki. This email contains KOS-MOS’s new weapon, F-SCYTHE. So I guess that answers that question. Miyuki’s email informs Shion that F-SCYTHE can hit multiple enemies with a “single stroke.” Snerk. “Use it to defeat the Gnosis and bring peace back to the world!” Miyuki writes at the end of this email. I don’t know why Miyuki couldn’t have sent this over when she teleported that briefcase to the Durandick’s bridge. Maybe she didn’t want Shion to scream at her for having the audacity to give her free stuff. Shion and Bunnie have a stupid conversation about Shion “saying hi” to KOS-MOS for some sad, basement-dwelling fuck in First R&D who has a crush on the company robot. KOS-MOS is right here, so: KOS-MOS! Some asshole says hi!
There’s some stuff our heroes need to take care of while MOMO is being violated–first, I put Jailbait in the lead again and the group heads for the Robot Academy. Chapter three of this spellbinding tale is titled “Hyper Assistant Scott Appears!!” And now I’m pretty sure Scott is a Pokémon. Jailbait notices that Professor Hobo’s lab seems livelier today, and is told that’s because, hold on to your hats, Professor Hobo now has an assistant. “An assistant?!” Jailbait says, because he can’t read the title cards. Professor Hobo decides that Jailbait doesn’t know what the word “assistant” means. Hee. Ass-istant. “An assistant is a status symbol for a genius scientist!!” Professor Hobo screeches back, hopping in place and waving his arms like the deranged homeless person he is. “The time has finally come for me to make my mark in the universe!” And to do that, he needs a young strapping man in his lab, performing…tasks. I wonder if Professor Hobo has a day job as a Catholic priest.
Anyway, eventually Jailbait and Professor Hobo get to the point, which is robot construction. Professor Hobo calls Scott over, and in support of my theory, he is kind of a twink. Professor Hobo tells him that Jailbait is his employee and is collecting robot parts for him, like Jailbait couldn’t buy and sell his ass. “So what should we call you?” Jailbait asks. “Is Scott okay?” Professor Hobo insists that it is not okay. “No!! Assistant Scott is Assistant Scott!!” he shrieks, hopping up and down again like he really has to pee. “Calling Assistant Scott just Scott would be like calling me Profe or Pro!” No, because Scott is an actual name, whereas Profe sounds like hobo signpost shorthand for “meth lab on the premises.”
He likes having his ass-istants ‘under’ him.
Ass-istant Scott and Professor Hobo get to work on Jailbait’s robot parts, each heading to a separate computer terminal and banging away at holographic keys. On the floor in front of each station is a large letter, “H” under Professor Hobo and “S” under Ass-istant Scott, which feels like a shoutout. The robot’s head plunges into the work pit, the crane game apparatus goes crazy, and from the lightning emerges a gummi ship, only this one looks like an actual ship that someone with sense might design. He names it “Seraphim Bird,” which sounds at once pretentiously religious and like the name of a gummi ship blueprint. Perfect. This, too, can yet never will be used by Shion.
Next, I have our heroes seek out any of the Segment Address locations that have not yet been plundered. Mostly, this is because I am putting off heading for the Phallus of Nephilim, but I suppose I would have done this sooner or later. The first one is in the basement of the Elsa, and is unlocked by the decoder Shion got from that bitch trying to steal Captain Matthews from me. It contains the left leg of our robot friend. Yeah, I should have just grabbed this thing earlier, because it’s back to the Robot Academy. I’m terrible at this.
Bringing this next part triggers chapter four of “Professor Hobo Bores Sam Stupid,” which is hilariously titled, anime-style, “Crisis!! A Dark Shadow Befalls the Robot Lab?!” If you think this title card, read in my head by Sailor Moon, means that something interesting is going to happen here, I am sorry to disappoint you. Jailbait enters to find “Profe” Hobo crying into his oversized sleeve while Ass-istant Scott appraises him coldly. In the five minutes Jailbait has been absent, these two have had a bit of a lovers’ quarrel. Apparently Professor Hobo is upset because Scott is “defying orders,” so I guess Scott wanted to be the top for once. He also wants Professor Hobo to stop chugging moonshine before noon, a reasonable request. Jailbait sides with Scott on this, leading Professor Hobo to throw yet another fucking tantrum and Scott to leave in tears. I don’t say this lightly: this is possibly the dumbest thing I have ever recapped.
Exactly.
Anyway, the new robot parts transform into a gummi submarine. Professor Hobo calls it “Dominion Tank” but I stand by my assessment. Off to Shion’s ether menu, never to be mentioned again.
Unfortunately for my sanity, the robot leg jammed in the bowels of the Elsa was the only Segment Address treasure available in the “real” world, so to find the two others missing from the file that don’t involve the last two dungeons, the party has to dive into Encephalon, an activity I had managed to avoid through 11 recaps so far. Sigh. After an hour of wandering all the goddamn way through the Hoglinde and Cathedral Ship again–this recap is quite long enough without me rehashing how horrible this is–the party has gained some minor experience, minor tech points, almost no money, and two accessories I may or may not ever use. On the bright side, it’s extremely satisfying to one-shot all those asshole Cathedral Ship Gnosis.
I suppose it’s finally time to move the plot forward. Ugh. The crew of the Elsa has already been informed of the situation, and Captain Matthews tells Jailbait, “Just so you know, I don’t intend to leave the [Phallus] of Nephilim until we’ve rescued MOMO. You’d better get ready!” This is his way of saying, “Go to Mos Eisley first, stupid.” There, at the strategy guide’s suggestion, Jailbait spends the rest of the group’s meager cash supply on weapon upgrades and Med Kits.
They come with a free bottle of Lubriderm.
Okay, now it’s time to fly to the Phallus of Nephilim. “Man, I can’t believe I’m stuck doing this,” Matthews bitches. “You better fork over a lot of hazard pay!” I didn’t think Matthews even got paid. I thought he was doing all this work for Gaignun pro bono because he’s up to his eyeballs in debt. Anyway, we cut to space, and while the Dämmerhung is shooting light beams in a hundred directions, no one notices the Elsa fly out of the Kukai Foundation. This is a little hard to believe, but maybe everyone involved, including the Gnosis, is too caught up with how much more awesome the Dämmerhung is than the Durandick. Hammer spots a landing dock on the side of the Phallus, but before Tony can fly toward it, Shion demands that he fly above the structure so she can get a look at it. It’s a phallus, Shion, haven’t you seen enough of them already? After Shion stares at him expectantly with her dead glassy eyes for a few seconds, Tony does as she asks, though not without a little grumbling. CHAOS!!! hasn’t been around lately to soothe him with his magical dick, so he’s been a bit surly. When she sees the top of the structure, she recalls her not-so-happy times in her mom’s hospital room inside Labyrinthos on Miltia, where she looked out the window and saw the same thing embedded in the ground. She tells everybody that she’s seen it before, like a) it really matters in the slightest and b) it provides them with any new information. Labyrinthos was U-GEE’s headquarters, which apparently included the hospital in which Shion’s mom was treated. We have already established that the Phallus of Nephilim was also tied to U-GEE and Joachim Mizrahi. So fucking what if two buildings tied to Mizrahi were next door to each other?
What thousands of men have said about Shion.
Conveniently, the party finds MOMO in the first hallway they come across, in the exact spot where MOMO herself left her dead Kirschwasser sister. Given that they found her by the most obvious door five seconds after arriving, they should sense that this is a big fat trap, but Jailbait is too intent on shaking MOMO by the shoulders and saying her name over and over again to think about it. MOMO opens her eyes and looks at everyone, but maintains a lifeless stare and refuses to speak. Oh good, she’s catatonic now. This is awesome to recap. Jailbait worries that they’re “too late,” since Catatonic!MOMO has done nothing so far but blink creepily at him. “Damn…that bastard!” Jailbait goes on, pounding the floor with his little fists. “He’s taken her consciousness!” Yes, this is apparently something Albedo can do. “Hold on, MOMO! I’ll make you whole again!” Jailbait tells her. Gag.
Even though she’s been standing here this entire time and wasn’t even motorboating KOS-MOS while he was talking, Shion suddenly kneels down, takes MOMO’s hands in her own, and yells, “[Jailbait]! What…happened to MOMO?” God fucking dammit, Shion. I will concede that “taken her consciousness” is not the most satisfying of explanations, but knowing this game I doubt we’re going to get a better one just because Shion decided to fantasize about Gaignun instead of paying attention. Worse, Jailbait takes her question as an excuse to psychobabble some more. “That monster Albedo’s gone and reversed the spiritual link…” he says. “Reversed the spiritual link?” Ziggy asks. Guys, I don’t think Ziggy and I can be friends anymore. Jailbait explains that the spiritual link is the psychic link he and Gaignun use to communicate. “But by seizing someone’s consciousness,” he says, “you can delve deep inside the other person’s mind and drag out whatever memories you feel like taking.” A simple “She got mindfucked” would have sufficed, kiddo.