The fingersnap and hand-on-hip pose are there if you look hard enough.

Below deck, Cesuelia finds what passes for her backbone and rants “I don’t like this!” That makes two of us. “We’re here to look for the statue, not to get mixed up in all of this.” Sucks to be her if she was expecting any sympathy for her two companions, though; Indy basically shoots her down and reasons that this is the best way for them to get access to the statue. It’s also completely, irredeemably dumb, but whatever.

So, Cesuelia spends the following ten minutes exploring the labyrinthine cabins of the Ass Candy, extracting shoehorned-in information from the numerous sailors onboard. Going through each one individually would probably shorten my lifespan by about five years, so I’ll just sum the entire process up by saying that I’ve learned far, far more about Feelgayan wedding customs than I ever wanted to. It’ll all be covered in the interrogation ceremony itself anyway, so it’s not like you missed out on anything.

I think the translators got the first and third verbs mixed up.

On their way back to the cabin where the Rest Until Tomorrow bed is located, the party runs into yet another sailor clone who remarks that Capt. Seymour’s “fiancé” is called “Olivia Clare”, and then wonders who the hell Cesuelia is. Wait, if he already HAS a beard, why does Cesuelia need to play the bride in the first place?! Are the game designers making this shit up as they go along? It gets even worse — another random dude cheerfully advises them “Don’t worry about it! Drake knows the ceremony is a fake”. …THEN WHY GO THROUGH WITH IT AT ALL?! You know what, I don’t even care anymore — all my rage and irritation have been replaced with a curious numbness. I think I’ve finally reached my nonsense threshold.

Cut to the big day. A bunch of random sailors and Drake’s men are assembled on deck (I guess Capt. Seymour doesn’t have any family or friends, not that that’s a huge shocker or anything), with the ‘bride’ and ‘groom’ standing up near the prow of the ship. Ugh, the word “groom” just took on a new disturbing meaning, given Capt. Seymour’s underage proclivities. The minister in charge of proceedings calls for the vows to begin, and as luck would have it, said vows take the form of a multiple-choice test based on the information Cesuelia should have gathered below deck. It’s tempting to deliberately screw things up here, but from previous experience I know that the party will receive a reward based on the number of correct answers.

It’s also a pretty shitty book.

“We’re gathering here, under the eyes of the Guardians,” the minister declares (the bride walks forward). “Bride, what is your name?” (Olivia Clare) It’s interesting to note that the guests whoop and cheer when Cesuelia gives the right answer, yet laugh themselves silly if she messes up. Just whose side are they on? On and on the charade continues, with the minister asking Cesuelia for the names of the man she’s “giving [her] love to” (Bartholomew Capt. Seymour, obviously) and the vessel they’re currently standing on (Sweet Ass Candy). Turning philosophical, the minister asks “what will guide [her] through the maze of life…” For some reason I don’t care enough to remember, the correct option is (GameFAQs Old Moon). She is then ordered to hold up her glass (in her right hand) and to accept the “jewel of the future” (the motherfucking Crystal Bud, of course). God, this is almost as boring as a real wedding.

The minister gets sneaky for his next question, asking “What number are we?” It takes me a while to realize he’s actually asking Cesuelia which number the current question is. That’s right — the player is penalized at this point unless he or she has kept track of not only the right answers, but also the number of questions they’re answering. This is bullshit, to put it mildly, but fortunately all it takes is a quick glance at a walkthrough to confirm that we’re on the 8th question. Even though it feels like the number should be much, much higher than that.

Two drug references in a single text box — the game designers have truly outdone themselves this time!

“For the happiness of today, praise the name of the Sea Guardian,” Minister Asshole announces (Lucadia). Having done this, all that remains is for Capt. Seymour to kiss the bride. Of the two options available — “I’m too embarrassed” or “Go for it”, the second choice is supposedly the correct one, but when Cesuelia puckers up Capt. Seymour cries “No, Cesuelia. I’m very particular…” Yeah, we kinda knew that, Cap’n Cradlesnatcher.

Mercifully, an off-screen voice calls for a halt in proceedings (couldn’t he have done that, like, ten minutes ago?) and a Spanish-sounding theme starts up. The camera pans over to show the wedding-crasher, and it’s none other than Baboo, standing on the very tip of the prow. “My name is [Baboo]!” he cries, arm raised in a victory pose. “I will hack the statue into pieces with my blade.” Hearing this, Indy wonders if he’s one of the Demons. No, he just really wanted a piece of the wedding cake. Go and sit in the corner, Indy.

As tired of Indy’s dumb as I am, Baboo springs into the air (complete with comical “SPROING” sound effect) and lands right in front of the party and Capt. Seymour. Realizing that the attention has been taken away from her, Cesuelia does her best magical girl transformation spin and whips off her wedding dress…to reveal her normal clothes underneath. What. Ever. “He’s lively, all right!” she notes, prompting Indy to reply “No, he’s just dumb”. I’ll let that zinger speak for itself.

This is like the grimiest, darkest pot in the universe calling the kettle black.

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Drawing his massive katana, Baboo sniffs “You, so-called warriors, will die before your sacred statue” and then drags them into an impromptu boss fight. Sadly, Baboo’s awesomeness doesn’t quite carry over into the battle — even his deadliest attack barely gives Cesuelia a scratch. A few rounds later Baboo is brought to his knees, wailing about how unfair it was that he had to fight three people by himself. Vowing that next time will be different (don’t they always?) he vanishes, leaving Indy to gloat “I’m glad we fought well against that fool. We saved the statue.” OR DID THEY?

Right on cue, Drake comes running from the opposite side of the deck, gasping “Oh no…here too…” What the shitty translation is trying to tell us is that the statue — which is conveniently located on the far side of the ship — is in danger from another threat. Fighting their way through the hordes of panicking sailors, Cesuelia and her guests of honour make their way to the stern, where they find — wait for it — Scorpina and her giant scythe. Aw, poor Baboo was just a decoy. Those scheming Power Rangers Villains are more intelligent than I gave them credit for!

“So…I have to work after all…” Scorpina bitches, taking in the morons approaching her. Like Blankie, she doesn’t recognize Indy, but I’m just putting that down to the brainwashing. It makes some kind of sense that way. Nor does Indy recognize her, which is a little more believable since she’s changed from a normal-sized woman into a statuesque Valkyrie with snazzy armour. Seizing his moment of glory, Indy flies at Scorpina and tries to use his Fast Draw technique, only to be deflected by her own Fast Draw and put on his ass. This is meant to be all epic and heartrending given their shared past, but it’s all a touch confused as I’m not even certain the player is supposed to know their true identities at this point.

Don’t give up the day job.

“So, you’re an expert with Fast Draw, huh?” Scorpina mocks. “Ha, it looks more like a Fat Draw than a Fast Draw.” Yeah, except Indy isn’t fat at all. A few tumbleweeds blow across the deck and the party stands around awkwardly, not knowing how to respond to this epic fail of a slam. Stick to being awesome and killing things, Scorpina.

Realizing that her joke has died on its ass, Scorpina redeems herself by flying at the Guardian Statue and cleaving it clean in two. Man, those things were not built to last; it’s a wonder they hadn’t already been destroyed by wind erosion, acid rain, or clumsy removal workers dropping them on the floor. Were they made out of polystyrene, or are the Demons just that damn leet that they can slice stone objects in half without batting an eye? Either way, it’s pretty ridiculous that the Guardians couldn’t seal the fragments of Mother’s heart in something sturdier. I bet they’d be kicking themselves right now if, you know, they still had physical forms.

Nitpicking aside, the important thing to remember here is that the Power Ranger Villains now have all the pieces of Mother’s ticker (I guess, unlike other series, it only takes three pieces to make a whole here). I’m losing it at the thought of Scorpina warping back into Demon HQ, all “Mother, I’m home! I got your left ventricle!” Squatt would start stamping his feet and whining that he brought home her left atria, like, days ago, but Scorpina is going to get all the credit for Mother’s resurrection as she’s the favourite around here. Then Blankie would warp in and apologize profusely for being late back with his piece, but he kept getting lost as it’s so difficult to see from underneath his sheet. Is it bad that I’m coming around to the idea of a Demon-based sitcom?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the deck. Job done, Scorpina bitches “You don’t deserve to die by my hands…” What, are you going to kill them with your lame jokes instead? Comedian of the Year warps out, leaving Cesuelia to cry over the remains of the last statue. The Guardian, “Nua Shacks”, basically says “Oh well, you did your best. Now you’ll have to go and kill Mother at her most powerful.” But it’s not all doom and gloom — the party receives the Thunder Rune as a consolation prize. Score!

But the scene isn’t over yet. Cesuelia looks to the heavens and wails in despair “The last of the seals has been broken. We can not stop the resurrection of the Mother. The Tear Drop my mother gave me is going to be used to destroy the whole world…” Meanwhile, Indy stares at his feet and whispers to himself “[Scorpina]…Does she also use the Fast Draw…” You know what, I can’t hold back anymore. DURRRRR! DUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRR!

That’s it — I’ve taken all the stupidity and ridiculousness I can handle for one recap. Next time…well, I can’t really remember, but you can bet a few filler dungeons will be involved, as well as a liberal smattering of drug references and another encounter with Calamity Jane and McDull. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sitcom pilot to write…