The party finds Baskar Village to be a nice enough place, despite the fact it’s little more than a few stone outhouses and a bunch of tepees set up on a patch of scorched earth. Yes, where there are cowboys, Indians are sure to follow, and in a completely unexpected development, the Baskars turn out to be Native Americans in all but name. Wait, should that be Native Feelgayans?
And just like that, the party’s search for a new dealer is over.
The Baskars give out the kind of NPC dialogue one might expect for a group of Guardian-worshipping natives — namely, that the modern world (such as it is) is shit, and that the Guardians have lost their power largely due to the population straying from the old way of life. Indy (who for some unknown reason I have made the current leader of the team) figures he has better things to do with his time than listen to these tree-hugging preachers, and, after stocking up on Light Shrooms from the local ‘herbalist’, decides to track down the village chief. This is not as difficult a task as one might expect from this game, given that he lives in the biggest hut, wears the biggest headdress and has the biggest…dog. Seriously, he has an enormous fluffy pooch who, though sending my cute-o-meter through the roof, looks ridiculously out of place in this village. Indy resolves to ask the chief to tell him the undoubtedly unusual anecdote of how he came to be in the possession of a huge white dog bigger than he is, but has to re-evaluate this course of action when the chief tells him he can’t even remember his own name. I don’t quite understand how a person who can’t remember their name was elected leader of anything, except maybe the Feelgayer Amnesiac Society. Hell, maybe he isn’t even the village chief at all, just some random wanker with a big dog, sweeping the floors for the real chief who lives a few tents away?
He Might Be Chief tells the party that he has seen them in his dreams. Rather than running for the door, they decide to stay and listen. Even if this guy’s just a babbling old lunatic, listening to him for half an hour is definitely preferable to being sent to Nether Assfuck and back by a bunch of voices in Cesuelia’s head. Surprisingly, though, he does have something useful to say. Apparently, the demons are after the Guardian Statue contained in Mt Zenom to the north. The statue is one of a trio that the demons are trying to track down and destroy as they contain “the three broken pieces of their Queen’s heart”. In the war 1000 years ago (like it was ever going to be any other number), the demons were defeated and Mother’s heart was torn into three pieces and sealed inside the Guardian Statues, lest the demons attempt to revive her in the future. This makes no sense. Even if Mother is a planet-devouring alien from another galaxy (spoiler!), I’m not sure there’s any way her heart could ever function again after being ripped apart. But why let simple biology get in the way of plot contrivance?
Well, the party finally has a clear objective, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. On their way out of the village, the Chief tells the Trio to visit the altar of Zephyr, Guardian of Hope, but I’ve played the game before and know this is a pointless exercise as Zephyr won’t appear until much later Indy and co. decide to cut straight to the chase and find the Guardian Statue before the demons do.
The only remarkable incident en route to Mt Zenom is the party’s discovery of an enormous nipple. OK, so it’s really a circular ritual site, but when viewed from above, it’s practically anatomically-correct — the eight stone cairns around the perimeter of the circle are the areola, and the raised altar in the centre is the nipple itself. I have no idea why I’ve only just noticed this, since I’ve played this game more times than I care to count and certainly would have remembered it. I can only conclude that as a recapper, I spend so much time looking for penises that my VGR-type pareidolia subconsciously blocks out any image that may be interpreted as another, less phallic body part. I look forward to exploring this further in the future.
Boob!
Despite Baskar Village — which, in World Map distance measurement, is only 20 feet away — being in the middle of a parched desert, the entrance to Mt Zenom is coated in thick snow. The rules of videogame weather and geography seem to be in constant flux, and it probably shouldn’t faze me this much anymore. The more important implication of the weather conditions here is that Mt Zenom is undoubtedly going to be an icy dungeon, and we all know how fun they can be. I might as well just strangle myself with the controller cord while I have the chance.
After the random Baskar guard allows the party into the cave set into the mountain, the first obstacle they encounter is a group of four angel statues. Three of them are glowing and are set in positions that create a symmetrical pattern, while the final statue is grey and standing outside the others’ arrangement. Even these guys work out pretty quickly that they need to push the fourth statue into the correct position to open the blocked door, but that shit must seriously get annoying for the Baskars and whoever else hangs out here. “Yup, just need to check the Guardian Statue hasn’t been destroyed, but first I’mma push these heavy statues around the room for a few hours until they create the required formation!”
Penises!
The next few screens are filled with nothing but ice (which, for the record, isn’t bright blue, game designers), so I’ll just skip to the part where the party heads outside to cross a snowy ledge, only to be thrown headlong into a random battle with a group of…interesting creatures. ‘Tiny Edges’ are small, cute dog-like enemies, with a few notable physical characteristics — basically, they each have a long, flesh-coloured tail that points straight up in the air. Of course, it resembles a penis. And just to avoid any confusion, I mean ‘penis’ as in the male member, not ‘PENIS’ as in Rudy’s six-shooter. As if their phallic tails weren’t cock-tastic enough, they also have two ear-like appendages on either side of their heads, which — you guessed it — also look like penises. Blocky, crappily-rendered penises, granted, but still penises. But there’s more! If one were to squint slightly, their four legs also look vaguely phallic at certain angles. In a nutshell, these monsters have penises all over their bodies. And not in the way that Squall usually has Seifer’s penis all over his body.
It says a lot about the quality of this dungeon that the most exciting thing I can comment on is the existence of a species of dog with ding-a-lings sprouting from every orifice, so I’m going to speed things up a little and skip to the part where…wait! What’s that? Another penis monster?! This is too good to be true. Back inside the cavernous insides of the mountain, the Trio runs into a group of Shriekers — large, walking toadstools who like to lunge at Cesuelia and slap her across the face with their heads. I don’t think I need to say any more about this. Just look at the pink box if you need visual evidence of their epic cockitude.
Penises!
Loading ...The remainder of the trek through the mountain proves uneventful, aside from a bunch of lame puzzles involving the angel statues from earlier. Seriously, all you missed was twenty minutes of random battle footage. Smacking penises around gets old after a while. Emerging at the summit of the mountain, the Trio almost walks straight into an enormous carved statue of a dragon-like creature. “Is this the statue of the God of the Seal?” Cesuelia wonders. No, it’s a statue of a random dragon that someone decided to haul all the way up to the very tip of the mountain for shits and giggles. The Guardian Statue is actually one of the random glowing angel statues from back inside the cave. Sweet Jesus. Before anyone can make “DURR!” noises in response, a pillar of lightning descends from the sky and blows the statue to smithereens. Like anyone didn’t expect something like this to happen.
The perpetrator of this completely shocking incident descends from the heavens, and — surprise! — it’s our old friend Squatt. For the record, I have no idea how he’s hovering in midair, given the fact that we’ve never seen any evidence that he has the ability to fly. The huge, statue-destroying lightning bolt is another mystery, as the only combat ability we’ve seen Squatt demonstrate so far is swinging his huge ball and chain around. But I suppose the scenario editor thought this looked cool. Squatt gloats that, like, the first Guardian Statue has been destroyed, and only two remain in the way of Mother’s revival. Squatt decides to make a hasty exit, but not before ensuring (or attempting to ensure) the party’s demise: “Orga Widow, go play with them!”
Wait. ‘Widow’? As in ‘Black Widow spider’? I really hope this imminent boss is going to be yet another penis monster — perhaps with a giant set of testes, emphasising its Badder Than A Regular Monster credentials — and not some huge arachnid with a thirst for blood. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? We all know game designers are sadistic at the best of times, so there’s no way they’d be able to refrain from taking advantage of my rampant arachnophobia. My suspicions are confirmed with the appearance of a decidedly spider-shaped shadow over the party, which grows ever bigger until I’m sure the damn thing’s going to blot out the sun. Finally, the spider falls to earth with an impact big enough to shake the snow from the tops of the trees. As the boss music kicks in, Indy, Rudy and Cesuelia seem completely unfazed by the mammoth eight-legged abomination in front of them. Meanwhile, I curl into a ball and whimper softly.
Is there even a sinkhole BIG ENOUGH to flush this bitch?
The Orga Widow is even more terrifying in battle, which is quite an achievement considering how suck-tastic the in-battle graphics are (I haven’t seen so many blocks since FFVII). Maybe it’s the old lady face, or the way she scuttles towards her target to inject them with venom, or maybe the fact that she’s a GIANT FUCKING SPIDER with a human head. Seriously, whoever designed this thing is evil. Before long, however, the party vanquishes the beast. Don’t ask me how they did it — I couldn’t look at the screen until I heard the victory music. Whatever the course of events, it’s safe to say Rudy’s PENIS was probably involved.
Meet Orga Widow. You’ll be seeing her again later…in your nightmares.
I didn’t mention this during the battle as I was too terrified, but the Orga Widow somehow managed to change her hair colour between the pre-battle sequence (during which it was a vivid shade of violet) and the battle itself (where it was white). Now, I know this isn’t the first time we’ve witnessed a Wild Arms boss undergo a sudden and instantaneous makeover, but I remain as baffled now as I was when the Chewbacca monster somehow managed to morph into a multicoloured spike demon within seconds. I’ll leave it to you to determine how this earth-shattering incident came to pass.
Loading ...Enough about this oversized creepy-crawly and her hair. More importantly, the first of the Guardian seals has been broken, and the demons are one step closer to reviving Mother. I bet the Guardians are real pleased they decided to place the fate of Feelgayer in the hands of these wankers! The group quickly leaves the mountain, returning to Baskar to break the bad news to the guy who may or may not be the village Chief.
As they leave Mt Zenom, the scene abruptly shifts back to Demon HQ. The entire place is empty aside from Mother’s cocoon, from within which we hear “It’s dark…I can’t see…I can’t hear anything…My precious [Lord Zedd]…” I really don’t want to know what she’s thinking about here. “My children…” she continues. “Let me see you…let me hear you…” Um, you said three seconds ago that you can neither see nor hear. Make your fucking mind up! The only one of Mother’s children to answer her call is a young, lithe fellow with spiky green hair and a large katana across his back. This is Zed, or as he is otherwise known, the fanboy favourite. I’ll admit it, I kinda like him too, but the hero-worship some of his fans stoop to is downright obsessive. And yes, I say that as someone who has just spent the better part of two weeks writing about this thrilling hour of game time. As you may have noticed, young Zed’s name is fairly similar to the newly-renamed Lord Zedd, so to avoid confusion I will henceforth refer to him as Baboo. Don’t look at me like that — it’s not my fault I’m close to running out of Power Rangers villains.
“That was easy…all this talk about seals…” Baboo snits. “Who cares about the Quarter Knights? Now that Mother is awake…I can go on with my career. Glory’s up ahead!” You see, Baboo doesn’t really care about world domination or whatever the hell it is Mother has in store for Feelgayer — he just wants to make a name for himself. I probably had no need to point that out, as it will be mentioned a few more times in the future…that is, if “a few” can be defined as “several dozen”. Fortunately for Baboo, Mother is still deafblind, and therefore doesn’t hear any of his secret plans for professional advancement. As the scene ends, we hear an ominous cracking sound, indicating that Mother’s cocoon is starting to break.
The ramifications of this will have to wait until the next recap — along with the burning question of whether the Cliché Trio will succeed in preventing the remaining two Guardian Statues from being destroyed. Here’s a little clue to tide you over: no, they won’t. They will, however, become acquainted with two of the best supporting characters in the game — Calamity Jane and an ambiguously-pedophilic sea captain. I’ll leave you to guess which one Cesuelia ends up marrying.