An old woman wearing a burlap sack dress hides behind one of the buildings, out of sight of the guards with whips. It’s a good thing the area is such a maze of buildings with shitty security. This woman runs forward to meet Lloyd and Penis on the other side of the Jurassic Park-esque wire fence. “Marble!” Penis greets her. I wonder if this woman knows Penis’s friend at the ranch. Okay, obviously this is her. She greets Penis in return with her sweet old lady voice as the Piano of Suffering makes its wily entrance. I start to feel some sort of empathetic human emotion until I realize that Marble is probably the old woman in front of me on the freeway entrance ramp going 35 mph, ensuring that I have to merge onto the 70 mph highway without getting myself killed. Whew, all better.

It seems like Marble knew Penis was coming to see her. I’m not sure how this works — even if they have some sort of regular date (pardon the mental image) set up, Penis decided to accompany Lloyd today as an afterthought. There certainly didn’t seem to be any sort of strict schedule involved. I’m probably nitpicking this way too much, but I have to say that this whole setup just doesn’t make a lot of sense. Go figure. This game has a lot of different plot points that the game designers wanted to throw in without really bothering to come up with a believable backstory. Like, “Hey, it would be cool if the game’s exposition were presented in a classroom setting!” or “Hey, it would be cool if someone had a secret friend at the human ranch!” Then we end up with shit like the lesson on information everyone would know or in this case, a friendship that really doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. I mean, how did this come about? Did Penis often go wandering by himself in the monster-infested woods, then at one point, he just decided to walk on up to the forbidden area and hang around by the fence without being noticed by the guards until some prisoner strolled by and struck up a conversation? And then he visited this person day after day without anyone noticing either one of them? Someone should pay me to point out this shit before the game is released, but then the game designers might have to actually think, and that’s way too exhausting. Oh well, I can dream.

Penis barely waits for Lloyd to introduce himself to Marble before blurting out the stuff about the oracle. Marble’s all, “No shit, who could miss that massive phallic tower?” She reminds us that the Magical Mary Sue Journey can now begin. You don’t say. They’ve been so vague on this point. “I hope it is successful this time…” she adds. Now wait a minute. So far we know that Suelette is the seventh Chosen. I made a comment in the last recap about how the others must have all been successful, since the world appears to be more or less intact. Apparently this is an incorrect assumption on my part. Marble has “heard” that the previous Chosen failed and was killed by Desians on her/his Magical Mary Sue/Gary Stu Journey. So really, what is the purpose of the world regeneration anyway? Is it just to get rid of the Desians? Since there are Desians still around, does that mean that every single Chosen has failed or are the Desians like Sin, coming back every few years? How often is there a Chosen who goes on this journey? When Marble said she “heard” about the last Chosen being killed, she makes it sound like it’s some kind of gossip from sometime in the past couple of years, not historical information that everyone would know. Did this happen recently? Either way, wouldn’t everyone know this? And wouldn’t, like, everyone in the village be way more freaked out and scared for Suelette than celebratory (assuming they don’t all just want her to croak)? Why did this information about the last unsuccessful Magical Journey not come up at any of the earlier points where it would have been relevant and natural to the dialogue? Why are the Desians willing to let this Chosen live, provided the villagers leave My Human Ranch alone, when they obviously didn’t afford this courtesy to the last one? Is this a record number of questions I’ve asked in a row?

Well, now I’m in pain. It’s even clearer to me that I am never going to last through this entire game. We’re not even an hour and a half in! Since we now know that the journey is dangerous (even though we already knew that), Penis expresses his hope that Suelette will not share the fate of her predecessor. “Let us pray to Martel. May she guide the Chosen on a safe journey,” Marble responds. I’m sure Martel will get right on that, since it seemed to be such a priority for, you know, the other Chosens. Just then, a very shiny blue ball on Marble’s hand catches Lloyd’s attention. He asks if it’s an Extesticle, as opposed to some other shiny orb embedded in someone’s hand. “Oh, is that what this is called? They placed it on me shortly after I came here,” she explains, making it sound like she arrived at the ranch voluntarily. But oh no! Without a Key Crest, very bad things will happen to the wearer of an Extesticle. So now we have “horrible medical experiments” added to our list of stereotypical prison camp elements.

So it’s kind of like this game, then.

“What’s a Key Crest? And how is it dangerous?” Penis wonders brainlessly, proving once again that these people never talk to each other. Seriously, you’d think this would have come up at some point — it’s not like Lloyd is really shy about his glistening sphere. Lloyd magically grows a brain long enough to give the lowdown on this stuff. The short version is that Extesticles applied to the skin make you sick, but Extesticles don’t work unless they’re on the skin, so Key Crests provide protection against this vague sickness while still allowing the Extesticles to work at full power. I guess that wasn’t all that short, but trust me, I saved you from a lot of text boxes. The Key Crest is created by carving a magical spell into a magical ore. I’m not making this up. Basically, the game designers are saying, “A wizard did it.” When Lloyd finishes his Wizard Crest lecture, Marble compliments him on his intelligence. I am speechless.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

I’m not sure exactly how long Marble has been at My Human Ranch. She’s been there long enough for multiple visits from Penis, but not long enough for the negative effects caused by the unmounted Extesticle, whatever those may be. Maybe it takes a lot of time for the Extesticle to poison the system. I’d ask the game designers, but I bet they don’t have a clue.

Well, Lloyd apparently has the artistic skill to carve the magical spell, but the magical ore is the real problem. Now Penis is totally freaking out, pleading for Lloyd to help Marble, like removing this one threat is going to make her life not suck. “It’s not as easy as you think. [Wizard] Crests are dwarven technology,” Lloyd informs us. How lucky that Lloyd’s adoptive dad is a dwarf, then. Penis is begging harder than a naked Phoenix tied up with Edgeworth’s cravat, and now I get to decide whether Lloyd enthusiastically or reluctantly agrees to help. I don’t want Penis to like him too much (like that’s possible), so I choose the second option. This makes Lloyd sound like a wanky butthole as he frets over what his dad might think of this whole mess. When Penis points out that Lloyd’s big mouth is responsible for bringing up the Wizard Crest in the first place, Lloyd finally agrees.

With that resolved, Marble — the one person with a stake in this — tells them not to bother. Before she can explain what I said before about the whole prison camp = shitty things happening anyway, a guard manages to notice her near the Tyrannosaurus paddock fence. Just in case we thought the Desians were kind and gentle-natured, he makes sure to call her an “old hag” and ask her “what the hell” she’s doing. The sinister rockin’ porno guitar flares up again, indicating that this situation might have taken a turn for the worse. Marble orders the boys to get moving, and again a choice pops up, which kind of cuts down on the urgency effect. I choose the “See ya! Hope you don’t get whipped to death!” option, which should further piss off Penis. Penis apologizes to her, and he and Lloyd flee offscreen.

I’m recapping.

Back inside the fence, three whip-wielding Desians confront Marble, like she’s just going to bust out some awesome geriatric ninja moves on them. They order her back to work, but when she apologizes, they think she’s copping a ‘tude with them. I can’t see her face at this point, so maybe she is showing them a Cartman-style retard face or something. More likely, the sadistic motherfuckers want to prove how masculine and brawny they are by beating up an old lady. Not that I haven’t fantasized about it during one of the aforementioned freeway incidents, but Jesus H. I think we get the point, game designers. The three of them prepare to take Marble to “the back” to teach her a “lesson on respect.” So not only do we have a cliched setup, but the characters have to use the most cliched dialogue possible to convey this. The last thing we see is Marble being escorted away by the Desians. Well, maybe the “lesson on respect” is an actual classroom lesson. Then again, in this game, that’s probably worse than a beating.

The camera zooms out to reveal Lloyd and Penis hiding behind a shrubbery about six feet away — a truly devious escape. “Oh, this doesn’t look good. They’re taking her to the back,” Lloyd repeats, as if Penis couldn’t hear the conversation from right next to him. These two Einsteins decide to take matters into their own hands and try to help Marble. Now, I’m not saying they’re morally in the wrong here — I’m sure most of us would want to save a friend from having the living shit beaten out of them. But at this point, any help they provide is only going to fuck things up even worse for her. The big brain Penis supposedly owns is not at all apparent in this scene — he’s just floundering around, letting his big sexy stud make all the decisions. The first decision: go stand conspicuously on top of a hill in order to look over the Tyrannosaur fence. I’m not joking here — that’s the actual suggestion.

To get to this higher ground, Lloyd and Penis run along the fence, past the gate, past the fence on the other side of the gate, and end up at a tall cliff with strategically placed smaller cliffs forming steps up to the top. The Instructional Text God pipes up to tell me how to use the A button to perform an action. In this case, Lloyd can use the A button to jump up the cliffs, each of which is twice his height. I won’t spend too much time snarking on this, as I’m just relieved I don’t have to watch a laborious rock climbing session. Judging the current situation not all that dire, Lloyd takes a detour to snag some treasure from one of the cliffs. Marble is probably dead by this point, but at least Lloyd got an Orange Gel.

This is as close as the whip gets.

When the boys reach the top of the cliff, they trigger another cutscene. Inside My Human Ranch, Marble is cowering next to a wall while the three generic Desians whip the everloving bejeezus out of her. This is not as disturbing as it sounds. First of all, the cutesy cel-shaded character designs don’t lend the most threatening atmosphere to the scene. Second, while the scene is fully animated, the graphics make it look like the whips aren’t even coming into contact with Marble, let alone harming her in any way. I would say that the spanking scene from earlier was way, way more painful to watch. Strangely, there’s also this random male prisoner standing near Marble and the Desians, silently staring at them without reacting. I’m not sure what his deal is.

The camera zooms out yet again to show Lloyd and Penis watching from up on the cliff. Now we can see that the whip-a-thon is taking place in plain view about fifteen feet from the Tyrannosaur fence. Lloyd and Penis could have seen the whole thing from the ground level. But then we wouldn’t have this dramatic camera angle from above. The Dumbass Duo is crouched down among a few tufts of foot-tall grass, like Lloyd’s scarlet shirt wouldn’t stand out like a straight guy in a Suikoden game. Both of them agree that something must be done about Marble’s horrible predicament, and once again, it’s up to Lloyd and his impressive brain to decide upon a strategy. This time, he comes up with the foolproof plan to have Penis attack the Desians with long range magic from atop the cliff. “What?! Aren’t we gonna get in trouble?!” Penis shrieks. I like how he’s just now concerned about this possibility.

But Lloyd must right all the wrongs of the world for he is an RPG hero! Claiming they have no choice — whatever — he orders Penis to hide in some nearby shrubs after the attack and then head back to the village. Meanwhile, Lloyd will provide a diversion. I think this might be the worst plan in the history of video games. I mean, the sorceress assassination plan in Final Fantasy VIII looks like brilliant strategery next to this. But it should be somewhat entertaining to watch the whole thing go horribly awry.