The warp point leads to a gaudy domed room with a shimmery blue ceiling. “This appears to be the top floor,” Kratos comments, indicating that we’ve already made it through the entire temple, including the supposedly difficult trial. Suelette agrees, informing the group that the circular platform before them is the altar, just to make sure they don’t accidentally assume that it’s a fabulously shiny coffee table. A glowing red orb sits in the center of the altar. Lloyd — the tard, remember? — somehow deduces that this object is the aforementioned Cruxis Crystal. “That’s right. They say I was born with that in my hand,” Suelette tells me, the player, since I assume that her friends would already know this. Especially since this is probably how the people in their world even know the identity of the next Chosen. Also, I hope that thing didn’t blind the doctor or midwife or whoever when Suelette popped out of her mom. Did this crystal just magically materialize in Fetus!Suelette’s hand in utero, or did her mom have to…um…insert it at some point? See, these are the kinds of questions that randomly pop into my head when I play games. Aren’t you so jealous that you’re not me?

This guy is about as threatening as a baby bunny.

Suddenly, Penis cuts short my train of thought by commenting upon the shower of golden light beginning to stream down from the top of the dome. This is supposedly a different light from the one shooting out the top of the temple — the one caused by the Cruxis Crystal, as you’ll recall. Even though the Cruxis Crystal is not the same color as the light we saw, nor does it appear to be glowing bright enough to reach the village. But whatever. The point is that a pulsating ball of light descends from the top of the dome, morphing via the use of a strategic white screen into a rather stereotypical angel. He — though I use that term loosely given his feminine features — has blond hair, large white feathered wings, and churchy robes. Topping off this ensemble is a green mini-pope hat. Blond Angel floats in midair above the altar, flapping his wings slowly and majestically. The music emphasizes the awesome and mystical nature of this visitor. Lloyd totally ruins the angel’s entrance by wondering, “Wh…what is that?”

Sweet Jesus.

DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kratos manages not to bludgeon his son to death, instead choosing to reply, “It’s an angel, you fucking moron. I swear, you’re the milkman’s kid.” The ever tactful Penis wonders aloud if this blond angel is Suelette’s real dad. You’d think that would be more of a Lloyd question, since Penis, ubersmart genius kid that he’s supposed to be, would know better than to make such a leap of logic. Suelette ignores this completely inappropriate inquiry.

“I am Remiel,” the angel introduces himself in a pompous and serene manner. Obviously I’m not going to pass up the chance to name this guy after a posterior-related sex act. Say hello to “Rimiel,” everyone. “I am an angel of judgment,” he continues, making it quite apparent that angels are not appointed to various positions based on looks. Seriously, if this guy came down and tried to be all fire and brimstone on me, I think I’d be most concerned about dying of laughter. Or maybe an allergic reaction to the pixie dust and rainbows he would inevitably sprinkle on me.

“I am here to guide [Suelette], daughter of the [manjuice] lineage, on her journey to heaven as the seventh Chosen,” he announces, spraying pretentious exposition all over the unsuspecting party. Based on this, we now know that there have been six other Chosen Ones since the events described in the opening story. And given that the world appears to be very much not dead, it would seem that they all succeeded in their own journeys of regeneration. Good to know. Also, “journey to heaven” might set off alarm bells for anyone who’s ever played FFX or really any RPG ever. Could this be a reference to the ultimate sacrifice? Will Suelette…die at the end of her journey? We won’t find out until later. How suspenseful!

As the Cruxis Crystal floats upward, Rimiel floats down to meet it, blahing some more about how Suelette must “awaken the Goddess Martel, who sleeps at the center of the world.” Penis acts all surprised, since he thought this Goddess-awakening stuff was just part of some legend that Raine taught them. As opposed to all that trial-clearing, summon-spirit-awakening, manjuice-restoring, Desian-sealing stuff that’s obviously true and believable. I also love how we’re not even an hour into the game, and we’ve already learned, like, fifty conflicting stories about the world’s history and the journey of regeneration. And while I’m no genius, I’m certainly not mentally-challenged like Lloyd and his companions. I can only imagine how fast this shit whizzes over their heads if I’m sitting here all, “What the fuck is going on?”

What are the chances?

Before anyone, including me, can question the plot much further, the Cruxis Crystal glides past the expressionless party to the expressionless Suelette, glowing and sparkling obnoxiously before it instantaneously morphs into this garish golden pendant thing on her upper chest. The magical transformation of the Cruxis Crystal into ugly jewelry marks Suelette’s own transformation into the Chosen of Regeneration, according to the wordy Rimiel. But everyone referred to Suelette as the “Chosen One” before this whole rigmarole, so what kind of Chosen was she before?

 Loading ...

The camera slowly pans over to the window as Rimiel announces, “We of Cruxis bless this event and hereby bestow the Tower of Salvation upon Sylvarant.” The camera awkwardly fades out and back in as a movie loads. I think many of you have been reading this site and playing games long enough to know that when you hear a reference to a tower…well, you know the thing has at least a 99% chance of resembling a penis. But what you might not expect in this particular case is a structure that diminishes pretty much all other videogame penises in existence. The Phallus of the Gods, Galcian’s Trouser Snake, the Durandick — all these pale in comparison to the truly colossal Tower of Penetration. Seriously, the movie spends over ten seconds panning quickly up its length, through several layers of clouds and up into the stratosphere, where it disappears into even higher levels of clouds. Hell, it probably reaches into outer space. That is one gigantic wang, people.

Now that’s a penis.

Back at the window, Lloyd comments, “So that’s the Tower of [Penetration]!” in the same mildly interested tone as he might say, “So that’s what lettuce tastes like!” The appearance of the colossal schlong, according to Penis’s ensuing excited ejaculation, is just one more sign of the world’s imminent regeneration. I know I would have remained totally confused if there weren’t a phallic object to light the way to this plot point. Gooooo, penises!

Some more back-and-forth blahing cements in our brains that Suelette is, in fact, going to try her damnedest to regenerate the world. Now that that’s cleared up for us and any others with an IQ in the negative numbers, Rimiel gives Suelette her first goal: the Seal of Fire, located in a “distant land” to the south. Undoubtedly, this distant land contains multitudes of ice and snow, and will not be anything predictable like a volcano or desert. Rimiel starts to float upwards, ready to collect his paycheck for the oracle delivery service and perhaps get ready for his date with the pool boy. Before he can do any sort of magical disappear-y thing, Suelette bursts right out with the rude and awkward question that’s been burning in all of our minds. I’m just kidding — she asks if he’s her real dad. Instead of responding, “Hey, your mom said she wouldn’t come after me for child support. This is bullshit.” He’s all, “Yeah. Yeah, sure I’m your dad. And your dad wants you to go to the next seal and do this regeneration shit.” Suelette doesn’t even notice that she just pulled the “Hey, you must be…” cliché as she celebrates this “wonderful” news. Sure, I’m spoiling even more “plot twists” for you guys, but come on. Does this guy look like he’s ever had sexual intercourse with a female? Speaking of which, Rimiel disappears in an explosion of translucent, glowy feathers. Yeah.

At this point, Lloyd has the option of Talking To Everyone. My cheater guide warns me that this will raise character affections, so I avoid Suelette like she has herpes-encrusted centipedes in her hair. I also punish Penis for bringing up that stupid Suelette’s dad = angel theory by giving him the silent treatment. But Lloyd can safely talk to Kratos…I think. Some people have told me not to raise Kratos’s affection too much either. I’ve seen tax forms less confusing than the process involved in making Zelos Lloyd’s soul mate.