Marvy takes in his other new recruits in the saloon, including seasick Schtolty lying on a sofa and mewling while Micky fusses over him. Igor, now forced out of the bath management business, has devised two “games” out of flipping a coin and making Marvy pick heads or tails. Come on, man, even Marvy doesn’t have that bad a gambling problem. He needs to workshop this a bit. Finally, Marvy finds Etienne on the balcony and asks his new bard for a performance, and it’s delightful. He sketches an adorable curtsy for Marvy before letting loose with his lute, which subtly unleashes a wave of glitter and pink musical notes. This is the best day of Marvy’s life. (It’s not a high bar to clear.)

Our boy is all done recruiting, but as it turns out there is one more new face aboard his ship. In Deborah’s room (Marvy really needs to talk to someone about how individual rooms are assigned on this fucking boat), Marvy discovers that Oskar was so distraught by his elderly hag leaving him behind that he decided to stow away. “So I helped myself on board this ship… But I was lonely! Can you blame me?” he wails. Honestly, Marvy is fine with this–yeah, Oskar didn’t get his approval to live here in exchange for providing absolutely no useful services, but he’s okay to look at, and Marvy also finds himself refreshed that someone just signed up without making him jump through any hoops. He’s had a long day of teleporting and running all over creation for a terrible collection of newcomers, so letting them just recruit themselves sounds like a wonderful change of pace.

I’m out of other diversions–unless you’d like to hear about that lazy fuck Perrault outsourcing his story ideas for “Madam Depression” to his tens of readers, or about me playing Ritapon for another 20 minutes–so it’s time to get back to the “plot.” Marvy enters the war room, where Former King Lido is standing by himself, no doubt ordering his imaginary friends to genuflect. Before either one of them can speak, the whole room shakes violently as something crashes into the ship. Lido yells, “What’s the lookout doing?” as if the lookout is the one who could steer them out of the way of the iceberg. Shut up, Lido. On cue, they hear Nico scream, “A-A ship…to the port side!! It appeared out of nowhere!!” Sure it did. You don’t have to make shit up just because Lido thinks he’s allowed to fire you.

Marvy and Lido run up top to check it out. Barely paying any mind to the incredibly bizarre ship that is now grinding against their own–it looks like a Trojan whale shark–Lido says, “They’re just asking for trouble… What do you think? Shall we go for it? We can just come back if it gets risky.” Lido, my dude, what in the fuck are you even talking about? Do you want to board the ship? Words matter. “As for who goes…” he goes on, “Two people, including myself, should be enough.” He of course means three–himself, Marvy, and let’s say Kika, to balance out the group IQ–but he clearly sees Marvy less as a person and more as a mascot, or an object that holds his power until he needs it. Like a phylactery. But the point is, Lido sees this giant ghost shark ship and thinks the best play is to storm in there deliberately at three-quarters strength, and that’s assuming he himself isn’t a useless pile of garbage (guess what: nope). Yes, the reality of it is that Lido has read ahead in the script and knows they will soon fill out their party with another character, but let’s not act like it’s impossible to just send this filler fourth person back to the ship when that mystery character shows up. No wonder it was the will of the people to depose this dumbass.

Once the party of three (plus Agnes in support–we’re all bad at math today) is set, a man in a fancy robe with flames on the hood appears on the gangplank. “This way…” he says in a very “Dean Venture trying to be sultry” voice. “I shall take you to the captain.” Nobody present has any questions about this arrangement–except for me, and I hope you guys–and a black screen later they’re aboard the “Fog Ship.” I guess because it rolled up in a big bank of magical fog, though the graphics in this cutscene don’t make that clear and nobody mentions it. My god, this fog is so thick it even obscured itself! What stagecraft.

Unsurprisingly, the Dong Ship (yes, it’s also vaguely phallic, are you new here?) is bigger on the inside. A grower not a shower, if you like. Its interior is actually one long, branchless pathway leading into darkness, with only a few ethereal street lights to keep my footage from being totally unwatchable. Marvy, Lido, and Kika fight a random battle roughly every three steps on this endless concourse, mostly against sword-wielding zombies who revive if all of them aren’t killed in one turn, but they’re occasionally joined by demonic moai with glowing red eyes that shoot laser beams. I’m glad the game designers figured out this artistic masterpiece was missing one thing to take it to the pinnacle, and that was Creamos’s two-eyed cousin. Perfection.

A little ways in, Marvy’s new robed friend takes a break from eating popcorn and asks, “Your curse… The Rune of Punishment… Do you ever wonder, ‘Why me?'” The better question is, has a single moment passed that he hasn’t wondered that? Marvy responds, “As long as I don’t pass it on…” At heart he’s a good lad and wouldn’t purposely subject another innocent person to this, not even Katarina. Robespierre seems to accept this answer, and crawls back into Marvy’s ass, but some more random battles later, he’s back, waving his torch in Marvy’s face and getting all personal about the True Murder Rune again. Now he wants to know, “Have you not lost much because of the Rune?” I mean, yes? But he’s also come to realize that a lot of what he lost sucked in the first place, like Slowe, Slowe’s dad, and RAH-ZOO-RILL. Marvy has three options here: he can simply stare down Robespierre silently, to indicate that this is a stupid question; he can reply, “But I shouldn’t run away from it,” which is a tiny bit on the nose with the foreshadowing; or he can say, “It’s given me so much though,” and he and I can see if we make it through that entire statement without bursting into laughter. Marvy picks the on-the-nose option because he is sure he can’t keep a straight face through the last one. Robespierre has nothing to say to this either. Interesting conversation these two are having!

Another short run down the hallway leads to their destination, a large dark cavern. “Here we are,” Robespierre says. “The captain is waiting.” The captain, it turns out, is a fucked-up ghost chimera with four different monster heads, a Final Fantasy-esque single wing, and an erect lizard tail. I am basing this on its character art, because again, fucking dark in this place. “I am one who wanders a million worlds, and one who watches this world’s fate from afar,” he says, with the help of a distortion box. So you wander between worlds, but you are watching this one from far away, but you are here, on this world. Got it. “Wilt thou come with me?” Only if you never say “wilt” or “thou” again, pal. Just to make it clear that he means Marvy and not stupid Lido, and also that all of Robespierre’s prying on the way here had a point, he goes on, “You… The one who possesses the cursed Rune. Come with me, and thou shalt be freed of thy suffering. Part with this forsaken world. Come with me upon this ship, where time governs us not.” The camera focuses on Marvy’s glassy, serious eyes, reflecting Robespierre’s torchlight, as he considers this offer. I mean, he can’t be dismissing it out of hand. Let the creepy purple scale demon have the fucking rune! Finally, someone who wants it.

Alas, this deal also comes with living on this dank shark boat and hanging out with Robespierre and his master for eternity, and though it’s possible Robespierre is hot under there, he still couldn’t deal with the lizard bird ghost or the lack of vitamin D. So he reluctantly passes on this tempting offer. Well, thanks for the hospitality, but Marvy and his friends really should be going! Next time they will totally stay to play Scattergories, though!

Obviously, it is not going to be that easy, but Robespierre throws an additional curveball by announcing, “I, too, will leave this place.” The captain says, “What did thou say? Oh, Ted.” Except he’s so monotone that it’s less “OH TED, no, the bread plates don’t go there,” and more “Oh Ted, you got a postcard from PUGGY!!! today.” Oh, by the way, yeah, it’s that Ted.

Ted removes his hood–as Marvy and Lido start, like they have any idea who Ted is–and he’s still the redhead twink from the first game, but hotter (which is no challenge) and permanently affixed with a frown and doe eyes. Like Marvy! I think the game is trying to get a point across. He delivers a speech to the captain: “Watching these guys made me realize… For the first time in a long while… No, maybe for the first time ever… I’ve made up my mind. I want to seize this opportunity to face my destiny one more time.” Well, that’s a pile of nothing. He wants to do things! Instead of not doing things! “So,” he asks, “will you return that Rune to me? That cursed Rune… The Soul Eater!” Sure, buddy, here you go! He kept it warm for you.

(I should note that, when Ted dropped his disguise, he did not drop the voice of an acne-ridden teen trying too hard to be sexy, and it’s making this scene extra ridiculous. Does he sound like this in the future, too? Was PUGGY!!! getting all up in a guy who makes every conversation sound like a reading in drama class? Ugh. I am retroactively, or I suppose in advance, questioning all of PUGGY!!!’s choices in romance.)

“Fool…” the captain monotones some more at his whiny stepson. “To even forget that I took thee in… I will not relinquish the Rune! NEVER!!” He gave up the best years of his life for you! And this is the thanks he gets! Just an outstretched hand for your old True Rune and access to your trust fund! I expect the captain to run off sobbing, but instead he attacks. “Need a hand?” Ted asks Marvy and Lido. Dude, he’s only even mad because you mouthed off. He might have let Marvy leave!

Before y’all get excited that I get to use two True Runes in this boss fight against Captain Horatio Hornblower, remember that Ted doesn’t actually have the Soul Eater, since at some point in the past he thought it would be a super idea to hand it to a turd-shaped floating devil dinosaur for safe-keeping. Ted’s still smart and cool, obvs. But he does have a Water Rune, so at least he isn’t a complete paperweight, Your Ex-Majesty. The captain more or less chooses to attack using Ted’s Soul Eater, which is a troll move, and means he regularly smacks one character with Finger of Death (not an insta-kill in this game, thank god) and heals himself with their sweet HP. He also has access to the rune’s third-level spell to attack all enemies and heal even more. I only bring this up because this spell was called Hell in the first two games, but here has been renamed Hades. No, I’m serious. Stop laughing! Hell is a scary bad word!

If you’re done sighing at this game–not for the last time, I assure you–the party is just about done killing off the captain. It kind of takes a while thanks to all the healing he does. I mean, thanks to Lido’s presence we’re barely in the black turn-to-turn on damage. But when he finally goes down, somehow his defeat forces him to send the Soul Eater back to Ted’s hand. The symbol erupts out of the captain and glows a lot and makes sex noises while Ted stares at it in anticipation. Or heartburn. Hard to tell when he only has one facial expression. After maybe an hour of the captain, Ted, and the Soul Eater being a triumvirate of drama queens, the rune returns to Ted’s hand in a burst of purple and white light. “Soul Eater…” Ted groans at it, “I…will not run away…anymore…” And then he faints like a big old baby. Ha! Marvy enjoys that he is not the unconscious goof for goddamn once.

(By the way, what is it about this particular rune that makes everyone talk about it like it’s a person? Ted and PUGGY!!! and Gremio all treat it like it’s their racist uncle. It really means well! It’s not inherently evil! Yeah, it’s draining to be around, but it’s family!)

Anyway. If the voice acting in this place weren’t bad enough, now Leknaat is here too. I’m overcome with excitement. The captain, who I just noticed is labeled as “Fog Ship Guide” and has been this whole time, grunts at her, “You… The Executor…of Balance?” He sounds like I feel whenever Leknaat appears; that is, like he urgently needs to poop. She replies, “Oh Guide, return quietly now…to the City of Eternity…where your brethren live… Do not take those who do not wish it.” No, nothing ever comes of any of this lorexposition she’s spouting. Obviously. FSG vows revenge for the loss of his shiny marble and twink first mate–probably not in that order–but Leknaat just tells him, “I am sorry… But that is not the role that was given to you.” Is there someone in Leknaat’s network of True Rune Busybodies whose role is exacting revenge? Oh, probably Windy. Noted. As everyone watches, the Soul Eater lights up on unconscious Ted’s hand and sucks FSG’s soul right down its gullet. Wait, so that gross thing is inside the rune from here on? Does he watch PUGGY!!! masturbate? Gremio would not approve, as three is a crowd.

Leknaat is talking again. Sigh. “The Rune which governs life and death, the Soul Eater, must not disappear from this world,” she tells…Marvy? I don’t know. Also, pretty cool of Leknaat to wrest the Soul Eater (and Ted, I guess) from FSG’s grip now, after god knows how many years (possibly over a hundred) of Ted serving as his eternally underage cabana boy. What, has she been too busy ruining Tenkai Stars’ wet dreams and giving out horoscopes?

She also takes the time to praise Ted for showing her the determination of humanity–yes, I am making a dismissive wanking motion–by wanting this shitbird of a True Rune back after he’d been without it “for so long.” So it totally has been like a hundred years, hasn’t it? Great job, Leknaat. Way to keep on top of your to-do list. When she finally fades out, Lido asks, “Who was that just now? A witch or something?” “Or something” pretty much covers it, hoss. But just when things were looking up because Leknaat isn’t fucking here anymore, the room starts shaking. Ted comes to in time to inform them, “The captain has no physical form. What you just saw was created out of magic… Hmm?” The “Hmm” is more like a “Hngh?!” because Ted is a dog who can be surprised by his own bark. “That also means that this ship…might also be some sort of illusion? Oh no!” Ha! FSG was literally a load-bearing boss. Nice. For once, everybody dispenses with announcing their plans for an hour and actually hustles out of there, as soon as Marvy nabs a Pirate King Vest out of this incorporeal magic ship’s very real swag box. Whatever. Marvy is a Pirate King and he needs to dress like one!

Spoiler: our heroes, and Lido, manage to make it out of the Fog Ship before it disappears and dumps them into the ocean. Whew! I was worried. Ted, though, is only halfway across the gangplank when the ship vanishes and the plank clatters into the water. Marvy grabs him by the arm and saves him from taking a swim, as he dangles against the Rudderless and makes whiny noises.

The three of them watch as the Fog Ship fades away, taking its suddenly obvious fog with it. Once it’s gone for good, Lido sizes up their new stowaway. “Now that I got a better look at you, I see you’re still a kid,” he says. Jesus Christ, Lido. What part of IMMORTAL TRUE RUNE BEARER wasn’t made clear back there? Ted attempts to explain all this, realizes with one look at Lido how monumental the task is, and gives up, unnecessarily introducing himself instead. “Sorry about that,” Lido replies. “It seems you have a complicated past…” Literally nobody in the history of the universe has said that to a person. It’s only ever said in TV shows where one superhero appears for a crossover episode and tells the other superhero all about their foster dad and wacky friends in Other City, while the other superhero nods like this is a normal thing people do.

Of course, Lido is at least smart enough to figure out that someone with that badass rune the FSG wanted so badly should maybe tag along on their Rebellion of Nebulous Purpose. But Ted isn’t into it. “When we reach land, please let me off,” he says, and sounds like a real dick in the doing. “Until then, I will keep to myself. Would that be fine?” Ugh. It really would be, but the good ending is calling, so Marvy asks him again to join up. Ted realizes he’s stuck in choice-that’s-not-a-choice purgatory and agrees to help them out in exchange for their help with the FSG. Lido tries to be all cheerful about it and Ted literally “Whatever”s him. On one hand, I do not blame him for not wanting to deal with New Dad trying to be his best friend when he’s been stuck in a magic dickboat serving daiquiris to a demon for half his long-ass life. On the other hand, this retroactively makes Ted seem like a real shit for bitching about being stuck with the burden of the Soul Eater for 300 years. Looks like he decided to take a little vacation from it up to now! But he had an unceasing vigil over its dangerous power! Shut up from the future, Ted.

“He’s not just trying to be some impertinent, little brat…” Lido wonders, hopefully once Ted has skulked off below decks. “There must be something more to his story.” I’m really asking: did Lido black out during that entire ordeal and miss the part where Ted was a True Rune-leeching monster’s prisoner, and also that his True Rune actually fucking eats souls, and it’s not just a clever name? Look, I agree with him that Ted is a wiener, but you’ve pretty much got the whole story, bud!

This game makes me so tired. Let’s leave things here, while I emulate Ted and go sigh to myself and binge on Netflix in a dark room. Next time, Marvy “finally” liberates Razril, and everyone there has a party where they laugh about how Slowe sucks. See you then!