Back in town, Marvy does a little shopping before entering the inn, where he runs across an elderly woman seated at a table with a younger man. She has fluffy gray hair and a purple grandma sweater, ochre scarf, and pearls paired with brown parachute pants. Yes, really. He is dressed almost to match, except his purple top is more of an embroidered jacket and he’s wearing frilly harem pants. And a lot of makeup. Like, a lot. He looks like a porcelain doll. He might be the woman’s doll.

Marvy speaks to the woman, named Deborah, who says, “Oh? You have…an interesting fortune.” Marvy’s all, “Fortune?” because it probably says he’s going to die alone, or at least with only his cat people to keep him company. The man, named Oskar, interrupts before Marvy can hear his worst fears confirmed. “Oh, my dear Deborah, are you not satisfied with having me as your chatting partner?” Take it down a notch, son. She said six words to a person who isn’t him and he thinks he’s being evicted from the knitting circle. “It’s not that I don’t like you anymore, my dear Oskar,” Deborah replies. “It’s just that he has a very interesting fortune to tell.” There’s going to be some shit about Slowe in her tarot cards, Marvy just knows it. The upside-down Knave of Dildos can only mean one thing. But Oskar, who cannot abide losing Deborah as a stitch-and-bitch companion, “just can’t understand” the only thing we have heard Deborah talk about. Getting the feeling their “chats” are just hours upon hours of Oskar talking about himself while Deborah files her nails and hums, “Mmm hmm,” every few minutes. Deborah basically ignores him, and tells Marvy, “You… There is an incredible power tangled around your soul. Interesting…I’ve never seen anything like this.” And that’s all it takes for her to invite herself aboard the Rudderless, to be Marvy’s token Gossipy Old Broad. She pointedly does not invite Oskar to join her. “My dear Oskar, if you want, you can just stay here and keep having tea. AND BEING A SLAG.” The last bit is heavily implied. Deborah flounces without a backward glance, leaving Oskar to stew in his seat and blame Marvy for his own failings as a friend. I’m sure this is the last Marvy will hear of it.

So…she was paying his rent, wasn’t she.

The only other Portrait Person around right now is Gunter and his fucking dice cup–no thanks–so Marvy allows Schtolty to lead him up some steps to his father’s abode. As the camera pans over the lavish mansion, behind its gated brick wall and marble fountain, Schtolty says, “Now, here we are. Though our house is humble, I am sure my father will be honored to have your company.” Uh huh. By the way, the fountain is literally in the shape of Schtolteheim Reinbach II as a handsome young man, jets of water spraying dramatically around his dashing figure. What a dump, right?

Unfortunately for Schtolty II, and even moreso for Schtolty III, it appears the family’s hereditary handsomeness is fleeting. Marvy is led to the study of Schtolteheim Reinbach II, Lord of Middleport, who is now a pudgy old man with a sad, baggy Droopy Dog face and the world’s ugliest wig. He doesn’t even have lace on his cuff or collars anymore! For the first time, Marvy is happy that he has True Rune immortality–even when his dickhead rune kills him, he’ll at least die hot. Schtolty II introduces himself, and Marvy can either give his name or answer, “I am Schtolteheim Reinbach III.” Do you get it, guys? It’s been a fake name all this time, but now it’s his son’s name! I am slapping my knee. Marvy skips the hilarious joke, since he’s become a sour old cuss for absolutely no reason.

He’s so bold he’s Guy fucking Fieri, dawg.

The meeting starts out promising enough, with Schtolty II complimenting Marvy on his boldness as a leader, and being keen to “do business” with him. Wink. Then he notices Ramada. “I am honored that you remember me,” Ramada says. “I am currently working for Sir Marvy.” Nice. “Currently.” This fucking guy. He goes on, “I apologize for the recent troubles concerning the Rune Cannon shells,” and Schtolty II is like “SHHHHHHHHHHHH.” Look, Droopy, everybody here already knows about that, so save your indignation. He wonders, given Ramada’s sleazy presence, if they are here to cut some kind of deal, leading Marvy to a choice in dialogue: “You do business with Cray as well?” (DURRRRR) or “We seek your help in fighting Kooluk.” Marvy lets the insult to his intelligence of the first option slide as he selects the second.

This is not what Schtolty II expected to hear, as if the leader of the rebellion against Kooluk would want to talk to him for any other reason. “Yes… Well… This is a difficult matter…” he stammers. His son doesn’t see what’s so difficult about it, since at least he has enough of a working brain to know why the Rudderless would be moored in their harbor. “Kooluk may have left this land once,” Schtolty III says, “but their army could return to Middleport at any time.” And now they don’t have Little Daisy to scare them off! NICE JOB, MARVY. But his father is stubborn. “As you know, Middleport thrives on commerce. Our survival depends on trade with all.” Schtolty III takes the meaning that “all” includes Kooluk, but is horrified to learn that it also includes “That infamous” Cray Trading Company. Don’t blame the Young Master for his ignorance–he has a busy schedule of putting his wig in rollers and hosting Middleport’s swankiest cocktail parties.

(As an aside, I’m glad we have confirmation that Lord Schtolty is only concerned with free-flowing trade in and out of Middleport, so much so that no ships could come here because of his pet. Unless Little Daisy was some kind of floating trade barge with blue light specials hanging from her tentacles.)

Schtolty II takes exception to being upbraided by his useless dandy of a son. “You are able to live this free and easy life thanks to my influence,” he is quick to point out. “And you dare say my hands are dirty?” Well, they are–it’s a bad sign when Ramada is a good mediator for a new contact, is all I’m saying–but point taken that his kid has certainly benefited from it. As Schtolty III moans about his father’s duplicity, Schtolty II offers a compromise of sorts to Marvy: he can move about Middleport freely and do what he’s gonna do here, but in exchange he won’t expose the island’s entanglements with Cray or interfere with their trade. “I cannot aid you openly,” he says, “but you may conduct your business here as needed. What do you say to that?” I mean…that’s a pretty sweet deal? Make no mistake, Marvy has no fucks left to give for petty quibbles like this, and as long as he can add Middleport to Viki’s teleport menu, he’s good to go. Marvy is forced to say, “That is quite unilateral…” so he’ll look morally upright in front of the troops, but this choice isn’t a choice anyway, and Schtolty II considers that a yes. Works for Marvy!

The Seaward crew clears out, leaving Schtolty and Micky to break the news to Pops about his dead pet. He doesn’t make it easy by asking, “Well, Micky, is Little Daisy doing well? Today has been quite tiring. I’d like to see her.” Does he, like, cuddle with her? Or just feed her fish from his outstretched fingers, like an orca in a tank? The scene fades to black before they actually tell him, and we’re back with Marvy, in the Reinbach Manor courtyard. He runs unmolested all the way back to the ship, which is how long it takes for Schtolty to catch up with him, with Micky in tow. Rat Boy’s all, “Huh? Who are those people?” even though he was present when they met on this very spot earlier. He was probably daydreaming about being Marvy’s cabana boy.

Schtolty wastes no time asking Marvy if they can “accompany” him. Micky explains, “The Young Master would like to go on a journey. He wishes to expand his knowledge and see the world…” That is to say, Daddy cut him off. “Listen,” Schtolty offers himself, “I observed your dealings with my father. Oh, how he fills me with utter disgrace!” He holds his hand up to his forehead, as if the entire ordeal is just giving him the vapors. So Daddy cut him off AND wouldn’t let him take his wardrobe when he moved out. “I’ve realized that I must surpass my father and strive to be noble,” he finishes. “After all, it is I who will eventually succeed him.” I’m not so sure that’s a given anymore, buddy! But whatever helps you feel better. And Micky doesn’t even get to fudge the truth of the matter to sound cool: he got fired for killing Daddy’s precious, and if he doesn’t get on this ship he’s going to be homeless. To his credit, Schtolty says, “I have done a disservice to Micky. From now on, I intend to protect him.” Even though Marvy has had twenty lifetimes’ worth of patronizing noblesse oblige bullshit from Slowe and his dickface dad, Marvy recognizes good people when he sees them, and welcomes Schtolty and Micky to the Seaward family.

Micky’s face really makes this.

But it’s not that simple! Why is it never that simple? Schtolty squeals, bobbing up and down, “Oh, thank you so much. You are truly a gracious friend.” But then he holds out his hand. “Now, it’s your turn. Please feel free to show us your sentiments.” Marvy blinks slowly at him. Is he supposed to whip it out, like Slowe taught him? Don’t all nobles do that? Toffs, am I right? So confusing. But Schtolty “clarifies” that he knows an engraver. “Will you bring me the Rose Crest he made…as proof of our undying and everlasting friendship? If you do so, we two will swear to accompany you through any and all hardships.” Marvy cannot fucking believe this guy wants to live on his boat and continue his life of leisure for free and also requires jewelry courier service, but somebody around here was bound to ask for a goddamn rose brooch eventually, and Schtolty certainly fits the target demo. Accepting Schtolty’s insistence that this is how his family does things–that is to say, dickishly–Marvy sighs and boards his ship, as Schtolty and Micky wait on the dock like dipshits for his return. I wonder if Micky brought a tent for them to camp out in if Marvy isn’t back for a while.

Schtolty gives Marvy no guidance whatsoever as to where this engraver might be, but thankfully the True Strategy Rune is not so parsimonious with its information. Marvy teleports to Nay Island (the boring human part, thank god) and runs all the way up to the inn at the top of the hill. After chatting up a guy in one room who straight-up tells him to go recruit “a woman with incredible strength” in Middleport–no thanks!–he finds the engraver in the neighboring room. I’m not sure what I expected of this man, who is certainly the original creator of the rose brooch, with every subsequent appearance being either a passed-down heirloom or (looking at Augustine and Gordon here) a cheap-ass knockoff, but I was not expecting Gareth. He looks like…a dad. He has a sensible dad haircut, a jowly face, a purple plaid shirt under a utilitarian leather vest, and jeans. Honest-to-god fucking dad jeans. I fully expect him to only hand over the rose brooch if Marvy promises to get his taxes done this weekend and to return his goddamn leafblower.

Marvy asks Dad if he knows of the “Rose Crest,” leading Gareth to gush, like that, “Do I know it? It’s one of my pieces! The smallest and prettiest of my works…” This makes me wonder if he has other custom flower brooches that are the size of, like, a housecat. I’m sure he’d have buyers. Gareth thinks he’s bursting Marvy’s bubble by telling him the rose brooch is not for sale, only for Marvy to sigh that he’s just picking it up for Schtolty like the pathetic pud he is. “He’s already paid for it,” Gareth says. Good, because I was worried about that. It would just be the fucking capper on this shitshow if Marvy also had to shell out like 50,000 potch for a fucking pin.

Back to Middleport, which thankfully is now on Viki’s list. Schtolty is delighted to receive his bauble, adding, “It must have been difficult for you to get the Rose Crest.” There’s no need to be sarcastic, asshole. “The fact that you went through so much trouble to bring this to me is an unquestionable sign of our friendship. In appreciation for your efforts, I offer this Rose Crest to you. We shall now board your ship. Come, Micky.” Wait, after all that, he’s not even going to wear it himself? I’d say this means Marvy has his own fabulous brooch, but I’m not sure it would really go with his outfit, and besides, all it does now is sit in his rare items inventory, no doubt leaving tiny scratches all over the Blinking Mirror.

While he’s here, Marvy heads back to the town square, where a new Portrait Person is standing around outside the inn. To Marvy’s confusion, this beefy woman with flippy hair under an orange headband says, “I am sorry for the other day… It just happened…” But it turns out she is talking to another woman, who I just don’t see because of a bad camera angle. I’m great at this game! “It didn’t ‘just happen’!” the other woman shrieks at her. “You wrecked my inn! You’ve got some gall showing your face around here! You haven’t even paid for the repairs yet, you know that?” Well, I’m sure she is in fact aware of that. How could she not be? Marvy can react by asking this woman, named Helga, “Lend us that strength of yours!” or to muse that this must be the “monster of a woman” the guy in Nay mentioned. Marvy is smart enough to know the second option will probably get him kicked in the balls, so he goes with the first. But surprise! Helga’s not into his word choice either way. “What did you just say?” she says, glaring at him. “You’re a rude one, aren’t you? I oughtta punch your lights out!!” Marvy assumes “lights” is some broad-slang for his nuts, and runs away.

Once Helga seems, from a safe distance, like she may have settled down, Marvy tries again, telling her, “We can use your strength!” She frowns at him again. In fairness, he barely rephrased at all. “My…strength?” she asks. “Not my adorable charm?” Jesus. Do you all get it? BITCHES BE CRAZY. If she has a True PMS Rune and the level 4 spell is Storm of Bloody Tampons, I would barely even blink. Meanwhile, the even shriller innkeeper is still yelling at her about the damage she caused. For the record, Marvy was just in there and there’s no visible damage. Konami spared no expense!

‘But mostly ladies, am I right? This guy gets it. Fist bump.’

Clearly, if this tension is to be defused, it must be done by a cool-headed, rational man. And Marvy has twice failed to use the right words, so someone else with a penis gets to try. Someone else turns out to be a man named Charlemagne. Which is quite a name to give some dude who is certainly not a legendary king and emperor, even if he does have flowing blond hair and a nose so ugly it surely must come from some kind of royal inbreeding. But no matter. Charlemagne tells the assembled ladies, plus Marvy, to settle down. The innkeeper pleads her case for the repair money, like Charlemagne is Judge fucking Judy, but he basically ignores her and confers with Marvy about Helga joining the Seaward. I mean, it’s a good fit, I have to say. And since this is an undeniably perfect union to everyone but poor Marvy, Charlemagne says he’ll pay for all the incredibly visible and devastating damage Helga did to the inn, freeing her up to put her life on the line for some waif she just met. He also confusingly says he is “lending [his] services” to Marvy, which makes it sound like he’s joining up right now, though he is not. That would be too easy. But back to Helga, who seems brought up short by the turn this scene took, but agrees to join up, since it seems like she’s basically Charlemagne’s indentured servant now. Jesus, that was weird. I feel like Marvy just got talked into something. Like, he’s going to wake up tomorrow and realize Charlemagne sold him a dozen subscriptions to Cat Fancy.

Time for something a little less unpleasant. With Schtolty in tow, Marvy returns to Chateau Reinbach, where a young man in a delightful sky-blue minstrel outfit is standing outside the gates, holding a lute. He even has a cute hat with tapered points on either end! A double floppy condom hat! Etienne here (who also has a face Marvy would not kick out of bed for eating crackers) is the second person to refer to Schtolty as “Young Master” as he laments, “I heard that you left on a journey. I was worried that I would never be able to play my melodies for you again…” OH NO! That would truly be the worst. Wait, he’s talking to Schtolty. Whatever. He goes on, “My music is meaningless without someone there to appreciate it. It is an utterly forlorn feeling…” Oh, so he just wants “someone” to listen to him play the lute, naked? Marvy can work with this. And Schtolty even plays a good wingman, floating the idea himself for Etienne to join them, just so Marvy doesn’t look too desperate. “Please come with us,” Marvy says, trying to make the words sound as aloof and gruff as possible–a difficult task given that he has flooded his proverbial basement. But Etienne is all too happy to be in the company of “people that the young master has such faith in.” Score!

Back in the town square, Charlemagne is waiting around to talk to him again. “I would like to accompany you as well,” he says, “but I must tend to the inn… Please come again in a little while.” I assume this means there are carpenters hard at work inside on the damage, and Charlemagne is standing out here doing nothing just to stay out of their way. In fact, I’m not even going to go inside and check, because I’m just that sure this is the case. Temporarily out of potential bums to add to his fighting force, Marvy returns to his ship…and then immediately returns to Middleport to see if Charlemagne is ready yet. Look, he’s still got a teenage boy’s impatience, what can I say? On his third visit, Charlemagne has finally ensured that the inn now looks exactly as it did before Helga went on her bloodthirsty rampage, and he is ready to go. He actually says, “I have finally straightened out my personal affairs,” which sounds an awful lot like “I paid Keen to assassinate all my exes so we can be together forever.” Maybe I’m imagining it. Marvy’s fine with this–can he ask Keen to kill his ex?–and mashes that Recruit button.

Do you, now.

Marvy has one last person to press-gang with Schtolty’s assistance. Back on Nay, Gareth, Engraver of Dadbods, is eager to hear what Schtolty thinks of his work on the rose brooch. “Beautiful!” Schtolty says. “I am using it with great care as proof of a beautiful friendship.” So he is wearing it, then? Whatever. I have to say, though, it’s pretty great that he is using something someone else made specifically for him as “proof of a friendship” with another person entirely. But Gareth is less than pleased, and not just because he’s been friendzoned with his own handiwork. “Y-You’re using it?!” he gasps. “But it’s such a delicate… Well… It’s fine, I guess…” IT’S A BROOCH, HOMIE. Was Schtolty seriously not supposed to wear it? I mean, unless by “using” he means “as a tiny fancy rapier, for a mouse.” But it occurs to Gareth that he can use this as a transparent excuse to get on the hottest mobile strip mall on the ocean. “Please let me check on the Rose Crest from time to time,” he says. “I beg of you, please…” Okay, man. It’s not like Marvy was going to have an open door policy for every low-level cat mobster, rude lady, uncouth wolf man, and fucking Katarina in the world, but tell a designer of beautiful custom jewelry to pound sand. Though it occurs to me that he already technically has five makers of jewelry aboard the ship, since that’s what the mermaids think they’re doing with their seaweed ropes and “beads” made out of broken clam shells. I feel like it says something about Marvy’s fear of abandonment that he keeps populating his ship with redundancies.

‘Clearly, a sad, doomed boy in ugly clothing is just the ticket.’

It turns out, though, once Marvy returns to the Rudderless, that Gareth can apply his skills to another project and let the mermaids have their Etsy shop. When Marvy enters the second floor of the saloon area, he finds Gareth standing proudly in front of a large marble statue of none other than Marvy himself. That seems impractical on a ship. If that thing tips over–which it will because even Marble Marvy has awful luck–is it just going to crash through five floors of wood until it breaches the hull? But Marvy can’t say he isn’t flattered.