Marvy gives Mao some specifications he pulls out of his asshole for growing mushrooms–oops, phrasing–and then he goes back to bed, because apparently sleeping off one afternoon in misery and despair was not enough. But, Groundhog Day-style, he once again finds Tov whispering to him through the door when he tries to leave. Tov now feels “yet another presence” in the Shroom Hut, and would like Marvy to check it out again. “It’s just a drug ring operating down the hall, check it out your-fucking-self,” Marvy does not reply. Sighing, he stomps once more down to the Freaks deck.

Seriously? Marvy recruits identical twins, and they look like THIS?

This time, Marvy finds a second manbaby horticulture enthusiast, Mao’s identical-twin-but-not, Nao, growing herbs of some kind on the opposite wall. Herbs and mushrooms! Subtle, game designers. He joins just as eagerly as his brother, but for whatever reason Marvy can’t grow herbs just yet (probably to keep Marvy from taking both at once, having a bad trip, and streaking across the top deck while declaring himself the Lizard Queen). At this point, Marvy is mentally plotting out crimes for which he would be set adrift again. Killing Lido seems like a safe bet.

This seems like enough “fun” on the ship, so Marvy finally puts together a party and begins the interminable journey north to Nay and Na-Nal for more recruiting. The lone piece of good news so far? Marvy never needs to use healing items while he’s out on the ocean again, because he can just return to his room and sleep off any injuries anytime he wants. So at least it’s easy and cheap to level some of his newer recruits while his party is forced to fight 10,000 random battles anyway.

Despite this, ocean travel is still an enormous pain in my ass, especially the bit where I have to point the prow at the Nay Island harbor with perfect precision and end up fighting four more random battles while the ship see-saws in place to no effect. It is for this reason that Marvy is at Nay now. He runs directly toward the Nay-Kobold settlement, and just as he reaches the bridge, a dark-haired girl teleports in front of him with a loud, affected sneeze. Marvy barely even reacts, like he had five teenage girls drop out of the sky in front of him before breakfast. Obviously this is Viki, and she has just blinked away from some other, more interesting Suikoden game and into this one. Sorry, Viki. Before Marvy can break the bad news to her, she sneezes again and disappears. But we’ll get back to her in a bit.

For now, Marvy continues ahead to Creepy Cat Town. There, he finds Bang the lottery purveyor suddenly willing to hang out with him now that he has a giant ship full of marks with more money than sense. Surprise! He tries to hide his abject greed by complaining about the air here in Cat Town, and it probably does reek of ammonia, so fair point. Suddenly on a quest to fill his new ship with grandpas, Marvy also talks to Bartholomew in his house in the back of the village. I didn’t bother mentioning this earlier because I was too busy making fun of Perrault’s CNN-level journalism, but his newspaper did mention Bartholomew here. So I now know that he is a fugitive from Kooluk, wanted for attacking one of their ships near Iluya, and that Kooluk is offering 100,000 potch for his head. Fuck me, that is a lot of money. Is there any way he can sell out Bartholomew and still get the good ending? Sigh. I’m sure there isn’t. But maybe Kooluk will announce an anonymous tip line soon, so Marvy plans for the future and invites Bart aboard the ship.

His business concluded, Marvy flees Creepy Cat Town, only to find Viki on the other side of the bridge, exactly where he first saw her. “U-Um… If I came flying here…” she wonders nonsensically, “Does that mean you guys are the people who are supposed to protect me?” Good lord, girl, you are improbably a master of time and space, please do not demean yourself with this whole waifu in need of manly protection routine. She asks Marvy to shield her from a world that might tarnish her delicate flower, and he’s rolling his eyes, but I have to make him say yes because Viki is the fucking best, despite this nonsense. As thanks, she hands over the “Glowing Hand Mirror,” and yes, that’s the Blinking Mirror, because the translators think continuity is for nerdy pussies. The Blinking Mirror is not as essential this time around, because Viki basically teleports the whole fucking ship along with Marvy, but it can also be used from the islands, so it’s not completely useless. I just like to complain.

Next up is Na-Nal. I feel like I never go to Nay or Na-Nal without going to the other one right after, which just makes me wish they were the same island. Na-Nal is just Nay without giant feline matroyshkas, anyway. On the dock next to the trading post, Marvy finds a rotund young man wearing a beanie and festooned with mooring rope. “Would you listen to my story?” he asks this total stranger. “No,” Marvy responds, and leaves. Seriously, who even says that? Anyway, this is Ugetsu, and his story is that Kooluk forces sunk his fishing boat. He never said it was an interesting story. “Now I’m just an offshore fisherman without a fishing boat… It’s like being a fish out of water,” he sighs. I’m sure the fish really appreciate this fisherman co-opting their suffering.

Speaking of suffering, I just realized that Marvy can’t even get a swank new boat without a punishment–GET IT?!–and that punishment is now having to listen to every half-assed, gold-digging sob story the Island Nations can throw at him. Because living on Marvy’s boat for free is totally going to cure this guy’s grandma’s throat cancer, but it’ll get cured even faster if Marvy will just buy a few magazine subscriptions. The point is, Ugetsu is getting on the fucking ship, and promises to fish “for” Marvy. There had better be a sashimi feast in his cabin when he gets back, and it had better be served on Haruto’s naked chest.

At the inn, Marvy finds Manu, the actual original inventor of the elevator, who neither escaped on Marvy’s ship nor got stuck on Obel. “Me?” Manu asks, sensing my confusion. “I escaped using my Elevator, of course.” I just pictured Manu zooming across the ocean on a horizontal elevator cable. Seriously, no fucking idea. “Say,” he adds, “do you know anyone aboard the large ship in the harbor? I’m sure the Elevator would be a nice fit for it.” There is no need to be coy, sir. It’s embarrassing for all of us. Manu is all, “WHOA, that’s YOUR ship?” and eagerly agrees to get on board, while Marvy rolls his eyes. He is going to get them stuck like that.

Next stop is the rune shop, where it’s obvious something’s about to happen because the bowl cut behind the crystal ball gets to be voice-acted as he asks if he can help Marvy. Marvy asks to see “the Rune Master,” and this causes Bowl Cut to get all bitchy. “I knew it…” he says. “All the customers have been of your sort lately. My business is being ruined.” Marvy is about to be all, “HOW DARE YOU,” with maximum finger-snapping, but then Bowl Cut calls for “Miss Jeeeaaane,” and Marvy realizes Bowl Cut thinks he’s some local boob-obsessed pervert, and it’s the best laugh he’s had in years.

Oh, honestly.

So Jeane–or Jeanne, as we do around here–comes strutting out from the back room, and holy shit. The camera pans sloooooowly up her entire body (which is legit sparkling like she just stepped out of Twilight), making sure we get a full view of the glorified loincloth barely covering her groin, held in place by belts and prayers, before arriving at her glorious, barely covered, bouncing breasts, the animation for which probably ate up 70 percent of the game’s budget. Her top looks like it was made from the sails of a ship in a bottle. The camera reluctantly keeps moving up to Jeanne’s face, and she laughs seductively. I know this because the dialogue screen reads, “*laughs seductively*.” Just…wow.

Jeanne asks what she can do for Marvy, and he can choose to ask her to do some bullshit with runes that is clearly intended, and just as clearly fails, to be innuendo, or to ask her to join his Rebellion of Still Nebulous Purpose. Jeanne’s all for leaving, because she’s concerned she is causing “trouble” here in Na-Nal. Bowl Cut plays dumb, like he wasn’t just telling Marvy that Jeanne is ruining his business, though since we’re back to this anyway, that makes no fucking sense. Oh no, a bunch of strawmen straight dudes with no interest in buying runes keep coming into his shop to gawk at Tits McGee, instead of purchasing the runes they didn’t want in the first place! How exactly would this ruin his business? Does he magically lose money every time the door opens?

So Jeanne joins, and for the first time she is a combat character, because they weren’t going to spend all that cash on her heaving bosom just for her to stand behind a counter the whole game. For now, Marvy dispatches her back to the boat and heads for the Na-Nal public square, where he met Mitsuba and Reinhold. There they find a vampire woman. No, not Jeanne–this one isn’t of the shedding body glitter variety. Maxine here is wearing a blood-red leather catsuit with ’80s shoulderpads and a matching cape, and between her sartorial choices and the fact that her extreme paleness and heavy eye makeup make her look like a walking cadaver, she pretty much has to be a vampire. But of course the one time I kind of want to hear a character’s lame backstory, because what is this lady’s deal, she dispenses with the small talk entirely and challenges Marvy and his hangers-on to a battle. Well, fine.

Okay, in fairness, the real Marceline would never wear this outfit, because she’d just end up eating it.

Marceline the Vampire Queen (yes, I would rather be watching Adventure Time right now) is no pushover with her Earth Rune AND Cyclone Rune, so I have my party–for the record, Marvy, Keneth, Mitsuba, and Pablo–go all out on her. Unfortunately Keneth kind of blows and Pablo is underleveled, so “all out” is relative. Marvy manages to finish her off after surviving her brutal Wind of Sleep/The Shredding combo. And poor Pablo dies and gets no experience. That’s what I get for trying to level him instead of leaving him in his ball fondling room. Marceline peaces out of there with nothing more than a “Grr…” so she’s probably off to sulkily play bass in a cave somewhere.

‘Stop checking me out and concentrate on the fish, Ugetsu.’

Marvy checks himself out in the Blinking Mirror to return to the ship and to look his best in case any hotties flop out of the ocean and onto the deck. Crazy talk, but Marvy likes to be ready. He heads out the door next to Viki’s station and finds himself on the ship’s rear deck. Hee hee. Ugetsu has made himself at home here, though he doesn’t have any of the equipment I’d associate with deep-sea fishing, and just hands Marvy a pole to use. Yeah, you sure can’t fish with a pole without a boat! This guy. Anyway, Marvy has apparently caught something, something Ugetsu says is “a big one,” and Marvy tugs and pulls on his pole until…a hot guy flops onto the deck. Well, then!