Someone needed a release.

Aboard Lido’s ship, a Suikocone wonders what caused the Kooluk ships to spontaneously combust, but Lido just stands behind him, Serious Cat face on, all “I’m sorry, Marvy baby, I should have never let Molesley open his mouth in your presence.” But he can only watch the fire for a moment before he and two Suikocones have to charge back into battle on the deck. How many fucking Kooluk soldiers did he let on board? Lido is bad at this.

Back at the palace, I guess in Flarey Sue’s spacious bedroom, Flarey Sue and Molesley, too, are watching the fireworks show. Flarey Sue is sad like her father, obviously, but behind her, Molesley whoops, “He did it! He did it! How wonderful! Simply wonderful!” He even pumps at the air with his crotch, cementing his position as the worst. “This will make the battle an awful lot easier for His Majesty!” he goes on. How does it not end the battle for His Majesty? That was an awfully final-looking firestorm out there. Flarey Sue should slap the shit out of her dad’s manservant, but instead she just utters some ellipses and stares broodingly out the window some more. It’s not like I’m asking a lot of her here. Just one backhand. Or two.

Eventually, Paula, Keneth, and Chiepoo emerge from the cave to help the king, and without even checking to see if Marvy looks paler than normal, they drag him down to the docks and into another naval battle. The two remaining Kooluk ships, which must have been munching popcorn in the back, have fire/wind and wind/earth rune cannon setups. Even though Marvy can see exactly this on the screen, a Suikocone is sure to explain this using many more words than I did. This time Marvy has two ships of his own and, taking a leaf from the already be-cannoned helper ship, outfits his own with wind and fire. Tov, Paula, and two rune-bearing Suikocones take care of business in a few short turns. I’m just glad I found something useful for Paula to do that keeps her out of the battle party and away from my eardrums.

Back at the harbor, Marvy exits his ship, but he’s still feeling the burning aftereffects of using his rune. It’s like acid reflux in his soul. He takes a couple short steps before collapsing, and no one but fucking Chiepoo is there for him. Wonderful. When Marvy comes to, he’s in a familiar, purple setting: the Vortex of Past Exposition. Knowing the drill by now, he runs toward the angry red light ball. You’ll recall that in his first two visits, he learned about Rat Boy’s unlucky fisherman father, and then about a currently unknown father-and-son duo who both possessed the rune and liked baking phallic loaves of bread together. This time, he hears the voice of a man labeled “Man.” Nice. Man says, “Kika, I’m going… Don’t worry.” Kika replies, “Edgar… That’s all you ever say.” Oh man, Kika had a boyfriend named Edgar? Did he wave around phallic drillbits and make out with his twin brother? That’d be pretty Suikoden. Edgar tells her he always comes back to her, because he is so straight and loooooooves Kika’s sweet vag. Kika’s all “…” because she didn’t fall off the fucking turnip truck yesterday.

Oh, but there is a third wheel on this tricycle of tragedy and denial. He’s labeled “???” and says, “Edgar, this pirate has made quite a name for himself. Let’s proceed with caution.” Edgar awkwardly replies, “All right, Brandeau,” just so I can go DUN DUN DUN! So nice of everybody in this scene to unnecessarily and immediately address each other with their names so I can connect all these dots.

On to the next light hemorrhoid. Something bad–I wonder what!–must have happened to Edgar, because Brandeau is shouting like he’s trying to keep him from slipping from this mortal coil. But Edgar senses that the end is near, because he tries to grit his way through the cloud of Rune of Punishment ellipses and tell Brandeau to take care of their condo in Gregminster, or their miniature Shiba Inu, or something. Maybe he means Kika, though I doubt it.

‘You…can’t…have…my…stereo…’

Third red ball. Brandeau gasps, “Wh-What? That light!” He tries to tell Edgar they should go home, but… OH NO! Edgar is not responding! But what of Kika, his true love?! She’ll have to trudge through this lonely life without him, occasionally telling ladies at The Beaver Dam that she’s never been able to be with another man since her beloved died, before getting some sympathy scissor action on the pool table!

Oops, was that a page from my Kika fanfic? How embarrassing. Anyway, Marvy catches up with Brandeau at the fourth light ball, where the dead ass pirate begs to be taken out of his misery. Like the other former bearers of the Rune of Punishment, Brandeau goes down in one hit. Relieved, his ghost sighs in his raspy voice, “So long…Kika… I’ll be on the other side…with him…raising a toast together…” I think we all, Kika included, know what “raising a toast” really means. With that, he dissolves into dust and vanishes into the afterlife, where Edgar has been waiting for quite some time in a white lace teddy.

Marvy reluctantly opens his eyes, and finds just what he expected: Paula and Keneth standing over him with their stupid faces looking all stupid. Chiepoo is there too, but is standing behind Marvy’s ass, for reasons I do not want to contemplate. Marvy sits up, shakes the cobwebs or concussion or whatever out of his head, and gets to his feet. The only one of the three who has any new information, stunningly, is Paula, who tells him it was Kooluk’s third fleet that attacked Obel, and that they are all playing the waiting game to see if any other ships show up.

Marvy leaves his room to check on everybody else, and notices that he now has a third-level Rune of Punishment spell, called Voice of Death, thanks to sending Brandeau to that nice farm upstate with all the other dogs. Voice of Death has a high chance of instantly killing one foe, and a 10 percent chance of killing Marvy. I’m sure that will be 100 percent in practice, so I think I’ll pass on taking that one for a spin. But when Marvy nears the tavern door, part of him wishes he’d been brave enough to give it a try, because he nearly walks in on all his new “friends” talking about him behind his back. Specifically, working out the logistical details of him inevitably kicking the bucket. Akaghi is the ringleader in this little exercise–Molesley must be busy humping his Lido body pillow. “Have any of you thought about who the Rune might transfer to next?” he asks the assembled Portrait People. Rat Boy and Rikie say something boring, because they are boring, and Chiepoo opens his mouth but “whuh whuh whuh whuh meow” just comes out as far as I can tell. But they at least sound vaguely supportive. So, fuck you, Akaghi. Marvy knows who he’s going to try Voice of Death on now.

‘The Rune of Punishment might punish me! I’M the real victim, here.’

Louise, Marvy’s BFF and staunchest ally all of a sudden, laughs at all of them in general and Akaghi in particular, and says sarcastically that they all have “clever opinions.” Akaghi gets all bent out of shape about this since, in his words, “Hey, I’ve got things I want to accomplish during my lifetime… But what if my life were eaten away…then what?” Oh, I don’t know, nobody would come to your funeral, not even your mom? Seriously, if this fate actually befalls Akaghi, I hope someone inscribes “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” on his tombstone. It’d be amazing if he converted any of this angst into empathy for how Marvy feels actually being in that situation versus fantasizing about it hypothetically. Mizuki points out that they’re all going to die eventually, and Akaghi is basically like, “No, I’m going to be the one exception to that rule.” Jesus Christ, what a putz.

Keneth would like Akaghi to shut up for a second, so he insists their best course of action is to fight their brave little hearts out so Marvy will never have to use his rune, even though he already did, so that plan is already not working out great. I also like how Keneth is directly appealing to their fear of the thing attaching to them, and not any worry that poor Marvy might drop dead. “If any of you aren’t willing to do so…” he warns, “you might as well leave.” Yeah, Akaghi. Take your purple romper suit and your beady eyes and get the fuck off Marvy’s property. But nobody makes a move to leave, which I guess is nice, and Keneth finishes lamely, “Let’s work together on this! We’ll do our best… That’s all we can do.” And now we know why Keneth is not the Tenkai star.

You’re not a goat, Chiepoo.

While Marvy was napping, apparently Akaghi became the protagonist of this story and the center of everyone’s universe, because Ramada specifically asks him if he intends to leave. Akaghi generously answers, “Not until this current conflict ends. I’ll keep you company until then, all right?” My hero. Everyone in the room throws Anal Attorney-style confetti at him for his noble sacrifice.

Back to Marvy, who is still standing there with his hand on the doorknob, feeling like the loneliest boy in the world. When he gathers his courage and enters the tavern, everyone is standing around like they didn’t just hold a big no-Marvys meeting. Marvy suppresses his melancholy feelings the only way he knows how: with Ritapon. If he can get Rita to go along with it, he’s going to put Akaghi’s face on all the tiles and then throw them into a chip shredder.

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Outside, Marvy was just about to waste his morning leveling up the world’s whiniest ninja when he hears war horns in the distance. Ohhhhh nooooo, not Obelzzzzzzz. A Suikocone, citing Kooluk military movement, blocks Marvy’s path to the palace, so he is forced to return to the cave again. And when he gets back, he finds everyone in his war room, which is really just a tiny windowless room with a chalkboard. Spared no expense! They were probably having another stitch ‘n’ bitch about Marvy, but he doesn’t get the chance to ask Akaghi to say some of this stuff to his face, because Molesley bursts in behind him, panting and hunched over. “Your assistance is needed!” he cries. Well, obviously. Molesley only talks to Marvy if he wants something. Ramada, Chiepoo, and even Akaghi immediately give Molesley the business because they assume he wants Marvy to kill himself some more. Akaghi calls him “an awful man” and says he’s taking Marvy’s life for granted. I doubt very much that he’s being sincere–he’s probably just overcompensating since Louise made him feel stupid–but Marvy guesses he can let Akaghi’s earlier assholishness slide for now. He’s feeling positively maudlin about his ragtag collection of failures, especially since they’ve all turned on Molesley. But Molesley insists they’re wrong, and that he can explain. His explanation comes in the form of Lido and Flarey Sue entering the room after him. “Marvy! I beg of you…” he asks. “Please protect our king and princess!” Now, not to legitimize Molesley’s earlier ranting, but it really doesn’t seem like being in Marvy’s immediate proximity is the safest place for the Obel royalty. Flarey Sue, in particular, should stay far away. In a convent.

Molesley is completely flailing at this point, which seems to be his default setting, so Lido takes over the conversation. “Allow me to explain,” he tells them. “As you may have already realized, the building you are in now…is actually not a building at all, but a very large ship.”

…

…

…WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! IT IS?!?!?!

Okay, I’m kidding, but that’s basically how everyone in the room reacts. It’s like an Anal Attorney courtroom gallery in here. Tov, the only person in the room besides Marvy who isn’t surprised, says that he constructed the ship on Lido’s orders. This is also the first time we see Tov from the back, and sure as shit he has a fucking boat stitched on the back of his bathrobe. The people who have been hanging out with Tov this whole time really have no excuse.