Inside the palace, the gang is immediately accosted by the world’s sourest-looking butler. The butler, named Setsu, probably has plenty of reason to be sour, what with his bald head, walrus mustache, and potbelly. But at least he tied a sweater around his waist so Marvy couldn’t see that he has a fat ass, too. Setsu glares at Marvy and says, “If I am not mistaken, you are the ones who arrived with Lady Flare on that ship, correct?” No, that was another sad sack with giant eyes, ginger elf, guy with terrible hair, and cat person. “Yeah, that’s right,” Chiepoo replies. “Wait a second… You wouldn’t happen to be…the king, would you?” This guy? Really, Chiepoo? He looks like George Costanza.

Setsu chuckles at this notion. “Me? The king?” Then he gets his Serious Cat face on again. “The king is a most magnificent man,” he says. “That you would mistake one such as me for him is…ahem, quite foolish.” Yeah, Chiepoo, you dumb fuck. Setsu is sick of talking to these idiots and asks them to come to the throne room, per Flarey Sue’s instructions. “But be more mindful of your manners in the future,” he warns them. Oh, what’s the king going to do if they’re rude, set them adrift again?

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Now that he knows they’ll behave themselves, Setsu shows them into the throne room, where they come face-to-face with Flarey Sue, Desmond, and…the beach bum from outside. How did he even get in here without them seeing him? Given that they’ve met everyone present, that means the king must be…Desmond! Holy shit! Chiepoo looks around the room stupidly and then says in surprise, “Where’s the king? We came all the way out here because the king told us to come…and he’s not even here?” Okay, first of all, Flarey Sue told them to come, not the king. How was that not clear? Second, use your fucking brain, Chiepoo. Flarey Sue thinks this is just hilarious, but Setsu is beside himself. “That’s enough!” he screams in Chiepoo’s stupid face. “Such disrespect is not permitted in the Royal Palace!” The beach bum, who is still labeled as “Man” because God knows we can’t spoil this reveal, calls Setsu off. “Setsu, there’s no need to raise your voice,” he says calmly, and may I say, in a very attractive, gruff voice. “Settle down. Show some restraint.” But rather than shutting up, Setsu complains in front of their guests, “Your Majesty, this is why I am always begging you to wear the clothes I set out for you…” I am tempted to call him Molesley now, after the valet on Downton Abbey who was all offended that he wasn’t allowed to pick out his lord’s cufflinks. Done and done.

“Man” walks right past the still-sputtering Molesley to introduce himself. “Sorry to have mislead you,” he typos in a very unkingly manner. “I’m Lino En Kuldes, King of Obel. Pleasure to meet you.” The first time I played this game I heard that as Lido, the song stuck in my head, and the name stuck to him. Lido it is. Even though King Lido, despite his clothes, definitely has a royal bearing and obvious command of the room, Chiepoo’s cat pupils constrict and he shies away. “Wh-What? This guy…is the king?” DURRRRRRRRRRRRR.

King Lido ignores the cat and addresses Marvy. “So…” he says. “I’ve been waiting to speak with you. Everyone, will you leave us alone for a moment, please?” This is either about the Rune of Punishment or saddling Marvy with his daughter before she becomes a spinster. Molesley protests on the off-chance that Marvy is some kind of accused murderer–wouldn’t that be crazy!–but King Lido insists and the room clears. When they’re alone, he says, “All right, let’s get straight to the point. My daughter informed me about your situation. Will you show me the Rune?” Marvy wordlessly allows Lido to fuss with his palm just like Flarey Sue and Desmond did. What is the deal with people on Obel being so handsy? Marvy can’t help but take in the rugged handsomeness and demeanor hidden behind the king’s disastrous wardrobe, but he shakes himself. No matter how desperate he is, he’s not going to get with some dude who’s old enough to be his dad.

Marvy comes out of this reverie when Lido says, “Indeed, there’s no doubt about it. This is the one…the Rune that was once on this island.” Marvy has nothing to say to that, so Lido goes on, accompanied by a cut to the forest west of the palace, “On the west side of this island, there are ruins. I call them ‘ruins,’ but believe me, they’re nothing that impressive.” Are ruins supposed to be impressive? They’re, well, ruined. Anyway, “It was there that this Rune was originally found. If only those ruins had been properly guarded, it would probably still be there, lying dormant and untouched. But…that was 15 years ago…” But to realize that the ruins needed to be guarded, someone would have needed to know that there was something worth guarding down there in the first place, meaning someone would have found the rune and had it non-consensually stapled to their hand.

“For now though,” King Lido says, “I suggest you pay a visit to the ruins. They’re currently being guarded, but you should be able to get in with this.” Wait, so now they’re guarded? The horse has left the barn already, Lido. The king hands Marvy a Ruins Entry Permit, to–wait for it–gain entry to the ruins.

“Deep in the ruins, you will find someone who knows a great deal about the Rune,” Lido yaps some more at Marvy. “Seek out that person, and you will hear the story…” Something tells me that nothing but an invisible plot wizard is preventing King Lido from telling Marvy the story right now instead of making him schlep through some ruins first. Proving me right, he goes on, “But…I doubt you’ll hear many good things about the Rune. With that Rune, you must realize that a harsh fate awaits you…” I’m sure Marvy has already figured that out. Lido finishes, “Fortunately though, I can see that you have friends who care for you. Now listen to me. Do not bring them grief.” Oh my God, shut up. Marvy will bring stupid Paula and Keneth grief if he feels like it.

Jealous?

Finally, King Lido Ex Position is done talking and shoos Marvy out of the throne room. His idiotic friends are waiting outside with their idiotic questions, mostly about whether they’re to be set adrift again. King Lido is obviously considering it, at least for the other three, but he realizes they’re homeless and says they can hang out for a while. “Of course,” he adds, “if you wish to stay on this island, you can work for me. I’ll secure you a place to live as well.” Can he find them a job where they’re not allowed to talk? That would be amazing.

Can you just make Chiepoo leave?

To make this happen, King Lido calls upon Island Lickspittle Desmond and whispers something in his ear, to which Desmond is like, “Dude, really?” Lido replies, “Yes, I’m serious… Don’t worry, it’ll be fine… So, can you do it for me?” Without waiting to hear Desmond’s response, he tells them that Desmond will be escorting them to their new home. Which I’m starting to think is a brothel.

After King Lido is done telling them he doesn’t really trust them yet–and why would he?–Desmond gives Marvy directions to their new home, east of the palace, and joins the party as a convoy. It’s not really as close as it sounded, and is actually a bit of a walk along a lovely cliffside path. Why is their home out in the boonies along a narrow cliff? Why, because it’s a cave, obviously. At the end of the path, Desmond says, “The back of this cave will be your shelter on this island.” I could make fun of them for all being shocked and ungrateful about this, because they are, but even after being set adrift a thousand times, I think I too would be pissed if I were asked to live in a cave. But Desmond insists that it’s not like that and asks them to head inside. Brothel option is still alive, folks.

Naturally it’s pitch black inside, but Desmond says their eyes will adjust and frog marches them forward. Just when Marvy is starting to think Desmond is going to shoot them all executioner-style, they stumble into a lit area. A chandelier hangs from the high ceiling of a spacious, two-story, wood-paneled tavern. A frumpy woman with a blonde ponytail is tending bar for no one. It looks like the setting for a Scooby Doo episode. And with some décor changes, yes, it could totally be a brothel. “This is where you will be living from now on,” Desmond tells them again, adding that there are many other rooms beside this one, so I guess they’re not supposed to put sleeping bags on the floor in here.

“Oh, yes, I have a message for you from the king,” Desmond remembers. “He wishes you to assemble a group of people with various skills.” Wow, does that even count as a pretext for putting the 108 Stars together? He may as well have asked Marvy to get the requisite names off these stone tablets he found. Keneth asks, “What does he mean by that?” which is actually a good question, because seriously, it sounds ridiculous when you just say it like that. Desmond is all, “Did I stutter?” like this is the most straightforward request ever made, says that Marvy is to be in charge of this task (obviously), and adds, “There are already several guests here who have preceded you. See? Over there.”

Sure enough, there are some creepers in the corner of the room waiting for Desmond to introduce them. But the first person to make her way over is the blonde bartender, named Louise. Up close, we can see the terrible cut of her bangs. “New faces, I see…” she says to them. “Please let me know when you want to rest. Hehe…” Turning to Marvy, she goes on, “My, you have such a deep look in your eyes. I rather fancy that…” Did she cut her bangs that short just so she could leer more easily at uninterested young men? Marvy looks at her like she has snakes coming out of her head.

Over a black screen, I’m informed that some other random assholes have joined my cause, whatever the fuck it even is: Tov, Chadli, and of course Madame Louise. I’m pretty sure this is the first time in the series that someone has joined up before the silent gay hero has even laid eyes on them. Marvy just hopes they’re cute. Desmond says he’ll be joining this little group as well, because why the fuck not. Meanwhile, Chiepoo is ready to sleep on land after “so long,” like their sojourn on the deserted island never happened. Keneth and Paula agree. “When we awaken, life for us will begin anew,” Paula drones. “Let us do our best, in hopes that we may one day return to Razril.” Does Marvy need to shout this from the rooftops? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK RAZRIL.

Marvy rather diplomatically says that he could also come to enjoy living here, instead of sheepishly agreeing that Razril should be their one and only goal. Keneth gets all chafed at this because he’s a stupid asshole. “Hey, now… I left Razril because I wanted to prove your innocence, you know, Marvy?” Wait, is that why he and Paula came along? I thought it was because he looked so very lonely on his exile boat. And how could they possibly help prove his innocence from exile, when the crime Marvy was accused of took place in Razril? Jesus, Keneth. Even Slowe would think this wasn’t well thought out. But then, Keneth adds, “But I guess that easygoing attitude is one of the good things about you, Marvy.” Yeah, if he weren’t so easygoing, the Rune of Punishment would have turned Razril into a fucking crater.

With that, Desmond officially joins, the party clears out to go get some rest, and Marvy is free to explore his new home. He steps through a door past Louise and Desmond and finds a narrow, low-ceilinged hallway leading to some small cabins, I mean bedrooms. But really. It’s cramped, made entirely of wood, and lit by gas lamps. Either this place is a really old New England seafood restaurant, or it’s a ship. This is not hard to figure out.

Marvy returns to the tavern area and introduces himself to Tov, an older gentleman with sunken eyes, a chinstrap beard, and a top knot. Marvy’s “Recruit!” radar is hardly going off for this man, but he didn’t get a choice in the matter, did he? “My name is Tov and I am the one who designed this place,” he says in what I assume is a dull monotone. “I look forward to working with you…” Working with him how? What’s he going to do, add onto this structure that is entirely enclosed within a cave and is totally not a boat? Right.

On the second-floor balcony, Marvy finds Chadli, who must be the armorer, as he’s covering his youthful, possibly-cute face with a giant helmet with a phallic nose guard. “Hello,” he says. “I’ll be opening a shop here soon, so please come back then.” Marvy is so glad King Lido gave a bunch of weirdos permission to open businesses inside his home. But looking at the thing covering Chadli’s face, it might be a dildo store. So that’d be nice.

*shoots Chiepoo into the sun*

On the second floor, Marvy finds his own room, complete with save point and gloomy sense of neglect. He strokes the blue orb a bit before lying down fully clothed on top of his blankets to dream about lighting Slowe’s hair on fire. But he is quickly pulled from this lovely reverie by a blue light glowing next to his bed. Of course, this is Leknaat, astral projecting to troll yet another True Rune bearer. Leknaat, insultingly labeled “???” like this is anyone’s first Suikoden rodeo, says to Marvy’s back, “Please forgive my sudden appearance. I don’t mean to frighten you. My name is Leknaat.” Marvy doesn’t even open his eyes until she’s done talking, so he’s like “…” which is Marvy-speak for “Get the fuck out of my room.” Ignoring this obvious silent plea, Leknaat drones on, “I am the guardian of the True Runes. Some call me the Executor of Balance.” Others call her the Expositor of Bullshit. Me. I call her that.

“Embedded in your left hand is one of the True Runes,” Leknaat duhs. “That particular one is called the ‘Rune of Punishment.’ It is this Rune that governs atonement and forgiveness.” Marvy is hardly interested in forgiveness at the moment. So that wasn’t a good match. Even better, she adds, “As the Rune’s power is used, its dreadful spell will consume its master’s life, little by little.” Fantastic, the True Rune he didn’t want is officially killing him, and its purpose is to make him forgive Slowe for being a backstabbing little wanker. Hey Leknaat, how about you try to make Marvy feel better about this by spouting trite, meaningless inspirational blather? “But no matter how harsh the journey,” she says, “you must remember that there are no trials that you cannot overcome.” Perfect.