Since he can’t get von Karma to open up, Phoenix decides to discuss tomorrow’s trial instead. Von Karma doesn’t beat around the bush — he comes right out and announces his plan, somewhat surprised that Phoenix was able to figure it out in advance. “You know what Miles Edgeworth will tell the court tomorrow,” von Karma taunts. At this point, Phoenix really hopes it’s about murdering his dad — he doesn’t think he could handle Edgeworth confessing to the entire court about his sexual exploits with the terrifying Manfred von Karma.
So much NOOOOOOPE.
You know how I keep saying that things get dumber? Well, this next part is possibly the stupidest thing that has happened in the game so far — the dumbass icing on the imbecile cake, if you will. In the past two cases, we were introduced to Phoenix’s disturbing habit of confronting criminals in a private location using the only decisive evidence of their crimes. I wish I could say he has learned his lesson from those last two incidents, but no, he is still Ned Starking it up in here. And this time, his access to Edgeworth’s penis is on the line — not just the freedom of a teenage girl or an ugly bear — so this level of idiocy is just incomprehensible to me. The worst part is that the game fucking forces me to be responsible for presenting the conveniently incriminating letter to von Karma in order to continue. It’s bad enough watching Phoenix do this shit — involving me is just insulting and offensive.
So Phoenix — I’m having a lot of trouble typing this — pulls out the conveniently incriminating letter and says, “This was you, wasn’t it? You instructed Yanni Yogi to commit murder.” Von Karma is all, “Yuuuuuuuuup.” He’s also unimpressed that Phoenix figured out the old caretaker’s actual identity — something else Phoenix could have surprised him with in tomorrow’s trial. I mean, I’m not letting von Karma off the hook here — he’s an idiot for handwriting the fucking instructions, but he calls Yogi a fool for not burning the letter. Yes, Yanni Yogi is the stupid one in that equation. Jesus. Luckily for von Karma, he’s the least stupid person in the room, and he recognizes that Phoenix did him a solid here. “Thank you for taking the trouble to bring it to me. You’ve saved me from a lot of needless hassle,” von Karma gloats. Well, at least he’s polite about it. Then he whips out a taser and orders Phoenix to hand over the letter. You know, as much as von Karma repels me, I am going to have to side with him here. Phoenix clearly deserves an epic tasing.
Unfortunately, the game’s lack of animation means I don’t get to experience the schadenfreude of watching Phoenix in a YouTube-style taser video. But when Maya tries to jump von Karma (ew) to buy Phoenix some time to escape, the two of them do end up getting the business end of von Karma’s stun gun in a series of seizure-inducing screen flashes.
Edgeworth also sees this in his nightmares.
Against a Black Screen of Unconsciousness, Phoenix blue-fonts the situation for us: von Karma tased the shit out of them, stole the letter, and ran off with all the DL-6 evidence. “Back to having no clues,” Phoenix sighs. Edgeworth is probably going to dump him over this, and deservedly so. A moment later, Phoenix remembers that Maya “jumped first” and for the first time in his life, wonders about her well-being. Did that electroshock therapy jolt some empathy into his tiny brain? Oh god, or maybe it made him straight. Wait, no, Edgeworth is still super duper hyper mega gay and he’s most likely been on the receiving end of that gadget more than once.
Anyway, Phoenix checks on Maya, who is still unconscious. She comes to, wondering if von Karma took the letter. When Phoenix tells her yes and/or duh, she starts throwing herself a rather impressive pity party with depressing musical accompaniment. “I…I couldn’t stop him. I jumped as fast as I could, but one shot from that thing knocked me out cold,” she sobs. This dialogue is much more entertaining if we pretend she’s talking about a penis. In addition to berating herself for being knocked down by a taser like any other human being, she lists all the other things she sucks at, such as lawyering and channeling. Cheer up, Maya! Phoenix is terrible at those things too! “I wish I hadn’t woken up at all,” she wanks. Wow. That was so over the top, I’m sure even the gay guys in this game would tell her to tone it down.
Phoenix, after spending this entire case tearing down Maya’s self-esteem, swears to himself via blue font that he will help her recover her confidence. That is rich. Somehow he sees that Maya is holding onto something, and when he pries it out of her hand without her noticing, it turns out to be a bullet in an evidence bag. “DL-6 Incident, Evidence No. 7 Taken from the heart of Gregory Edgeworth,” he reads out loud, also without Maya noticing. Yeah, this is the bullet that killed Edgeworth’s dad, which is so creepy. I hope Edgeworth doesn’t find this on him — that could get awkward. He notes that von Karma was holding this item just before Maya attacked him, but I guess von Karma must not have bothered to check for it when he was stealing the letter and groping Phoenix’s bulge. Phoenix stuffs this bullet in his pocket, probably so he can hunt von Karma down before court and show it to him in a dark alley. With some more blue font, he vows, “I’ll prove it to you, Maya. You’re most definitely not useless! I’ll prove it to you in court tomorrow!” So he has a piece of recovered evidence he could use to reassure Maya right now, but he’s going to wait until the trial tomorrow. But he couldn’t wait until then to reveal the incriminating letter to von Karma. This man is hopeless.
With that, the action cuts directly to the next morning in the defendant lobby before the trial. I have no idea what happened during those missing hours. Did Phoenix visit Edgeworth and tell him about the taser incident? For that matter, why the hell didn’t Phoenix and Maya report von Karma’s attack to anyone? They were in the fucking police station! Even without surveillance in the records room, it should be fairly easy to prove they were attacked. People get arrested for flimsier accusations in this game. I don’t know why I’m bothering with this — of course no one will bring this up again.
That ship has probably already sailed.
Phoenix is blue-fonting all over the fucking place about judgment day and whether or not he will be able to see Miles naked again. Suddenly he screams like a girl. “S-s-sorry, Nick! I only touched your shoulder!” Maya squeaks. Ew, a girl touched him! No wonder he panicked. Maya thinks she must still be electrified from the stun gun, but that’s most likely not the problem. As Phoenix worries about Edgeworth’s emotional state (and ass), Edgeworth also lets out a terrified scream. Maya apologizes for trying to give him a cheerful pat on the back. Yeah, what’s with this touchy-feely bullshit? Phoenix tells her to “go outside and discharge” (ew), but she manages to bad touch poor Gumshoe on her way out the door, too. This trial is not getting off to a good start.
Gumshoe takes a moment to greet his dreamy Mr. Edgeworth, then gets down to business. He was able to capture the boat shop caretaker after an all-night manhunt, just in time for today’s trial. I’m so happy about this. Phoenix expels even more blue font about his intention to prove Yogi is lying about his memory loss. I can hardly wait for this barnburner of a courtroom battle.
The final day of the trial begins with no irritating bullshit from von Karma, which makes Phoenix a little nervous. No superfluous objections? No smug timing predictions? Did Phoenix somehow enter an alternate universe? Does Edgeworth still want to do it with him? Instead, von Karma’s low-key opening statement informs the court of the boat rental shop caretaker’s arrest, thanks to Phoenix pinning the murder on him in yesterday’s trial. “However, the caretaker has yet to confirm this. I would like to ask the defense to cross-examine him as much as necessary,” von Karma finishes. That bastard. No wonder Phoenix had a bad feeling about this.
Yanni Yogi and his fucking snot bubble appear on the witness stand, meaning he’s going to work this charade until the bitter end. Von Karma reminds all the people with memory problems that this old man who runs the boat rental shop also has memory problems. Knowing now that von Karma is responsible for this entire shitshow makes all of this even more intolerable. He even claims that this totally innocent old man wasn’t running away, and asks him to testify about his suspicious disappearance yesterday. And now, like Sam before me, I get to experience the aggravation of this motherfucker’s testimony.
Grandpa’s grotesque snot bubble pops and he testifies that he wasn’t running away, he just had to leave court at that exact moment in order to buy some fucking bird food for his parrot. Besides, he can’t be the murderer because he doesn’t have “one of those ‘motive’ things.” Yes, he’s pretending to be ignorant about basic investigative vocabulary, like he doesn’t mainline episodes of Matlock when he’s not out in boats with fancy boys. When the Judge instructs Phoenix to proceed with the cross-examination of this bullshit pile, Phoenix blue-fonts, “He has to know his name! Yanni Yogi! You’re Yanni Yogi and I’m going to prove it!” Thanks, Phoenix. It must be terrible living inside his brain.
Speaking of terrible, this entire cross-examination is an exercise in futility. Every time Phoenix insists the witness is lying, von Karma objects and provides a lame cover story that the Judge believes. At one point, Phoenix notes to himself that both von Karma and Yanni Yogi seem “relaxed,” the implications of which only serve to nauseate me. Apart from that, the low point of the cross-examination is when Yogi is describing Polly’s high-maintenance food requirements — like Edgeworth, she only eats gourmet French cuisine — and claims he got lost on the way back to the shack. Without any proof that the witness is lying, this dialogue just goes in circles until the Judge puts a stop to it. I want to set his beard on fire much of the time, but here he has actually shown me some mercy.
Welcome to the world of a recapper, your honor.
Speaking of mercy, the only saving grace of what I just went through is that the game designers drastically cut down on the use of the snot bubble animation. I have no idea why it was necessary that first time around, and I promise I will not gloat about Sam having to recap that shit instead of me. Phoenix’s claims during the cross-examination were repetitive enough for the Judge to take notice. He’s all, “You seem to think this witness might be lying about his memory loss. Is this relevant?” Not at all — why would a witness’s memory or truthfulness be relevant in a murder trial? “The witness has said he has ‘nothing to do with this case’ and ‘no motive’…Both of these statements are lies!” Phoenix unnecessarily proclaims as the music turns dramatic and the peanut gallery reacts. I mean, he’s been saying the guy was the murderer since yesterday — this is nothing new. It takes the Judge a few more text screens to realize that Phoenix isn’t just bullshitting to buy time — he actually knows the identity of this old dickhead. Of course, Phoenix has been acting coy here instead of just saying at the start of the morning’s trial, “This dude is Yanni Yogi,” which would have been the most logical and sensible choice, so I guess I can’t blame the Judge for being confused.
“Ho hoh! Now, this is interesting. I would like to know myself! So, who is he?” von Karma asks with a sassy finger snap. Phoenix sweats all over the defense table in disgust at von Karma’s innocent act, resisting the urge to strangle him with his own cravat. Von Karma would probably enjoy that, after all. And now Phoenix gets another choice of names, as if even Phoenix, the most forgetful man in the universe, could choose anything other than Yanni Yogi at this point. Is there even a point to this choice besides the humor value of picking “Gregory Edgeworth” or “Robert Hammond”? At least throw a female name in there to mix things up a bit — imagine the hijinks that would ensue if Phoenix said that the unwashed vagrant on the witness stand was Mia Fey.
“His name is Yanni Yogi, a former court bailiff!” Phoenix shrieks, with his pointer finger erect. The Judge derps around for a bit and then goes, “Oh! Yanni Yogi! From the DL-6 Incident!” When I return from slamming my iPad repeatedly against a brick wall, the man who only just learned about this fucking case two days ago blue-fonts, “I thought the judge would have heard of it… it was such a famous case.” When the Judge doesn’t understand the implications of the claim, Phoenix slams his hands down on the desk and points out (literally) that Yanni Yogi would have a motive to commit murder in this case. Which would still require more explanation, since the Judge wasn’t privy to the five hundred DL-6 conversations from the previous day, but — and I can’t believe I’m about to say this — luckily, von Karma objects. He’s all, “Where’s your proof, motherfucker?”
Believe me, von Karma, Phoenix will never be that desperate.
Phoenix talks to himself for several screens about the necessity of proving the witness is Yanni Yogi. Yeah, thanks, we got that. In a moment of stunning insight, Phoenix asks the Judge to take the witness’s fingerprints, like His Honor has a fingerprinting kit hidden inside the bench. Anyway, I am proud of Phoenix for remembering that Yogi’s fingerprints would be on file and that a person’s fingerprints can be used as identification. I feel it’s only fair to praise him on these rare occasions. Unfortunately, this logical and easy method won’t work because this totally innocent and uninvolved witness just happened to burn off his fingerprints in a legitimate chemical plant accident that was a true thing that happened. The Judge is all, “Well, shit, I guess there’s no other method in the world we could use to determine if this man is Yanni Yogi.” Maybe it’s not worth complaining about this kind of stuff in a game that takes place in 2016 but still has portable radios and no smartphones, but they can’t do a fucking DNA test? Really? Oh, but I guess that would take too long and we can’t delay trials for unimportant shit like figuring out if a witness is the actual murderer.