Back at Wright & Co. Law Offices, Maya has suddenly remembered where she’s seen the dead guy with the mullet: “This is a lawyer that was at that office Mia worked at! I met him once when I went there to hang out with Sis!” Upon finding this out, Phoenix is once again overcome by jealousy. Edgeworth was out at the lake in the middle of the night with another defense attorney? Is it possible that Phoenix is just too young to fulfill Edgeworth’s obvious daddy issues, so he had to take up with an older man, even with that unfortunate hair? Well, thank God the guy is dead.
This is awesome.
Phoenix decides to visit the victim’s boss, Marvin Grossberg, to find out more about the mulleted man’s identity. Now that we know that the victim was a lawyer in a prominent law firm, it seems odd that no one so far has recognized him, especially since they have that fabulous headshot and aren’t relying on an autopsy photo. He must have appeared in court at some point, or interacted with someone in law enforcement. It’s not like they’re trying to figure out the identity of some random shoe salesman or wedding planner, here.
It’s time for Phoenix to take another fun Christmas Day cab/bus/train ride over to the Grossberg Law Offices. For a game full of people incompetent at their jobs, you would think at least someone wouldn’t be working on Christmas, but since the game designers don’t want to create a completely new backdrop, like of Grossberg’s house or something, this means the festively plump defense attorney is in his office. After the trauma Phoenix experienced during Mia Fey’s murder and subsequent trial, I expect that he would not be at all thrilled to return to this place. Oddly enough, he seems almost nostalgic about being here, and even about Marvin Grossberg’s juicy throat-clearing. I don’t get it either.
Except for smoking pole.
Grossberg’s law office looks much the same, including the large empty spot on the wall where the gay cowboy painting used to be. I don’t know why he hasn’t replaced it with a painting of a shirtless fireman or something, and I’m sure Phoenix finds it strange and saddening too. Grossberg vaguely remembers that these two odd people in his office have some sort of relation to Mia, but Phoenix and Maya have to remind him that they are Mia’s “understudy” and younger sister, respectively. His memory is still better than Phoenix’s. “You’ve come to look a lot like your sister, you know?” Grossberg manages to lie and sound creepy at the same time to the underage Maya.
Phoenix has no time to watch a man attempt to hit on someone of the opposite gender, so he cuts right to the chase. Or he would if he didn’t have to examine the office in more detail. He can’t miss an opportunity to comment on the decor, even if his lover’s life is on the line. Phoenix and Maya discuss Grossberg’s office right in front of him, focusing on how ritzy everything is compared to their cheap shithole of an office. Really, it’s nothing we didn’t already know, but this is the first time Maya’s been around to comment. She wants their office to be super classy, too, suggesting that they put out gum and candy on their client table. I would suggest condoms.
And he’s not referring to the desk.
Just as in Phoenix’s office, none of the law books have ever been touched. You don’t say. Before I cut Phoenix’s explorations short, I need to finish up with a discussion of the gay cowboy painting. You know they’re not going to gloss over something as important as that. Maya wonders about the weird blank spot on the wall. Without going into much detail, Phoenix tells her that there used to be a big painting, but Grossberg gave it away to someone. “I bet he gave it to some romantic interest! Love blooms eternal, Nick!” Maya gushes. “Uh…yeah,” Phoenix replies dubiously, like he wasn’t desperately trying to pair up Marvin Grossberg and Redd White just a few months ago. Also, I’m worried that Grossberg/White might actually be canon now.
Now for the real reason Phoenix came here. Actually, he came to ask Grossberg about the victim’s identity, but can’t resist expositing all over Grossberg about the murder first. Grossberg hasn’t heard about any of this yet, as he, unlike Phoenix, doesn’t sit in his office watching TV. Like Phoenix, however, he apparently doesn’t read the newspaper either. “Well, Miles Edgeworth shot someone with a pistol,” Phoenix informs him. Okay, wait, I thought he was convinced Edgeworth was innocent of the crime. Is he that bitter over Edgeworth dumping him for a guy with a mullet? There’s always the possibility that he’s phrasing it that way to gauge Grossberg’s reaction, but no, Phoenix would never think that strategically. Either way, Grossberg knows nothing about the incident. It’s time for Phoenix to whip out the victim’s photo.
I’d just like to go on a short tangent here, because this is so awesome. I’ve played a couple of the Anal Attorney games in Japanese, and I’m currently playing Gay-ass Prosecutor 2 since Capcom is full of assholish motherfuckers who may not be planning to localize it. If they do, I will take back the assholish motherfuckers comment. Anyway, the Japanese verb that was translated into English as “Present” is “tsukitsukeru,” which the Japanese dictionary defines as “to thrust before” or “to thrust at.” I’m pointing this out not to be one of those annoying people, but to share with all of you the lovely innuendo that is in the original version of the game. So when Phoenix is going around “presenting” evidence to people, he’s actually thrusting it toward them, possibly (and most likely) at crotch level.
Phoenix takes this opportunity to thrust the victim’s autopsy report (and photo) in Grossberg’s face. It takes him a few moments, but Grossberg finally lets out a massive shriek of recognition. “That’s Hammond! Robert Hammond!” he cries, moobs jiggling all over the place (I’m adding to the sprite animations here). Now, I for one am glad that we have a short reprieve from names like Jack Hammer or Sal Manella, but even so, Robert Hammond seems way too normal for this game. But then I remember that Robert can be shortened to Bob, and Hammond is a type of organ, and Phoenix likes to bob up and down on another man’s organ. It’s another name that refers to dudes going at it. Yay!
As Maya recalled, Bob Hammond was indeed a lawyer in Grossberg’s law firm. Phoenix now has the option to ask about Bob more specifically, but since I’m still doing dialogue options in order, he has to ask about the missing gay cowboy painting first, which is actually more in character for Phoenix. Grossberg has not taken the loss of this painting very well, as you can imagine, but he has no way to get it back since he can’t admit he and Redd White were fucking and he lost the painting in a blackmail/ex-boyfriend spat combo. This just adds to the soap opera atmosphere. “I suppose it’s my just desserts. Old, bitter desserts,” Grossberg sighs. He looks like he’s about to start crying. I’m sure Phoenix can relate. If someone stole his naked Edgeworth painting, he’d kill himself.
Okay, now Phoenix should probably find out more about the boring, not-hot victim. “Mr. Hammond… He was the defense attorney in that case…” Grossberg begins. You don’t say — a guy who worked as a defense attorney was a defense attorney in some case? But I’m jumping the gun here. “That case” refers to the DL-6 Incident. I’d just like to point out that “DL” is the abbreviation for “downlow,” which is not really appropriate for this game where every man is on the “uphigh.” Still, since it relates to dudes boning each other, I will allow this reference.
“(Why does that sound so familiar?)” Phoenix wonders, the rusty gears in his brain straining at the attempt. I suppose I can’t give him too much crap — at least he recognized the term on some level. As you should recall, the DL-6 Incident was first mentioned way back in Part 2. I’d normally just tell you to reread that recap yourself, but I think we get some new information here, so I probably should do my damn job and recap this dialogue. Grossberg reminds Phoenix and the rest of us that the DL-6 Incident was the murder case 15 years ago where the police, unable to identify a suspect, called in Misty Fey the spirit medium, better known to us as the mother of Mia and Maya. Considering how the cops in this game basically arrest the closest person who might have breathed somewhere in the vicinity of the crime scene, the DL-6 case must have been one hell of an epic locked room mystery for them to call in outside help.
Although the explanation in the second case made it sound like Misty Fey failed to channel the victim, Grossberg explains that she did, in fact, succeed. “Her testimony led to charges being laid against one man. But Mr. Hammond won the case and the suspect was declared innocent,” Grossberg continues. “And the police blamed my mother, calling her a fraud,” Maya says, all sad face. “You were the one who helped her out then, right, Mr. Grossberg?” Awkward. Grossberg is all, “Yeah sure. I did that.” Maya tries to thank him, and this is just painful, so I’d rather go back to talking about the brutal murder, if you don’t mind.
Right away there’s some stupid stuff I can pick apart. So the cops got desperate because there was no sucker to arrest at the crime scene, called in a psychic, got the name of a suspect from her, brought said suspect to court, and then blamed the psychic when the guy was found not guilty? Let’s say Misty Fey was a fraud and just gave them some random innocent dude’s name — the fault would still lie with the dumbass police who took her at her word without any further investigation. I was going to ask who the fuck brings someone to trial with no other evidence but the fact that some psychic said “Yeah, it’s that guy.” But then I remembered that the cops do that in every other case, only they’re relying on the testimony of stupid witnesses rather than a psychic. In other words, if a psychic accuses the wrong man and he’s found not guilty in a court of law, she has to go on trial for fraud and then leave her family in shame. If a detective accuses the wrong man and he’s found not guilty in a court of law, well, that’s just what happens on a daily basis and he gets to keep his job. Have I mentioned that the people in this game are idiots?
Also, this means that, against all odds, a defense attorney other than Phoenix actually won a case! So I guess I was wrong that such a thing has never happened before. “But wait… What does that case have anything to do with Mr. Edgeworth?” Maya asks. Well, if we’re working under the assumption that Edgeworth didn’t kill Robert Hammond, then there isn’t necessarily anything that ties Edgeworth to the case. The Big Gay Boat Ride with the victim could be nothing more than Edgeworth’s obvious fetish for male defense attorneys. But wait! It just so happens that Edgeworth is related to the DL-6 Incident after all: “The victim in the DL-6 incident was none other than his father, Gregory Edgeworth!” Grossberg announces with a flourish, as the music changes from the suicidal sad theme to the throbbing bass of “Wow, Shit Just Got Real (in B minor).”
In case you are having a Phoenix Wright moment and haven’t put two and two together, let me point out what this means. It means that Misty Fey channeled Edgeworth’s dead dad. Given what we know about the bodily physics of channeling, she most likely appeared as Gregory Edgeworth in drag. Complete with penis. Okay, there wasn’t any real plot value in bringing that up — I just wanted to share that mental image. And if you don’t believe my interpretation, unfortunately there is fan art to back me up. What has been seen cannot be unseen.
Yeah, if you want to put him out of the mood entirely.
Maya looks like she might pass out in shock over this latest information, but Phoenix has no reaction whatsoever. I imagine he’s hurt that Edgeworth never shared the tale of his tragic past with him, even though that would have completely killed the mood. Or maybe he’s fantasizing about healing Edgeworth’s deep emotional pain with some sweaty buttsex. Grossberg seems to sense this, as he urges Phoenix to go visit Edgeworth again to find out the truth. “Show him this…I’m sure he’ll talk to you,” Grossberg adds, but the item in question isn’t what any of us would expect. Instead, he whips out the photo of Misty Fey that he had conveniently sitting on his desk along with the photo of Redd White way back in Part 2. Continuity! Although it’s kind of weird that of all the evidence Phoenix could use to bring up Edgeworth’s tragic past, it’s going to be a photo of a lady.
Now that Phoenix finally has a use for this once-extraneous piece of evidence, he wants to rush over to the Detention Center to probe Edgeworth for more information on his dead dad. I have other plans for Phoenix, though. Actually, I’m just exhausting all the other location options before getting to the good stuff — the climax of today’s investigation, if you will. First, Phoenix presents himself at the Criminal Affairs Dept. so Gumshoe can thoroughly ream him out for discovering Lotta. I think we’re all kind of mad at Phoenix for that. The argument devolves into Phoenix basically implying that someone has to do some damn police work around here. Gumshoe doesn’t take this well. This is going to turn into a slap fight over the love of Miles Edgeworth if someone doesn’t put a stop to it.