With no other options, Phoenix sighs and gets on with his questions, first asking April to describe what she witnessed. April gets all excited about Phoenix’s advanced lawyer lexicon, which has big ol’ three-syllable words in it. She even says, “I like a man with a big…vocabulary.” Understandably, Phoenix is totally uncomfortable now. I’m surprised he hasn’t fled the room. But after all her fawning over his intellectual charms, April refuses to say anything to him. Next Phoenix asks her who she is, as she seems like someone who loves talking about herself. Unfortunately for Phoenix, she takes this the wrong way. “Oooh, Mr. Lawyer!” she squeals. “Are you hitting on me?” Phoenix pretty much screams at her, “NO! EW! GIRLS!!!” You can’t blame him–here he is, investigating the murder of his female boss, on behalf of her sister, and being forced to talk to a clingy female witness. He’s gonna have to hit up his favorite gay bar tonight to set himself right again. Only a few hours until happy hour at The Hung Jury.
April refuses to answer even this question, so finally, he asks about her hotel room, and who is sharing it with her, given the two glasses on the table. “Oooh! What amazing powers of observation!” she says, and I’m really not sure if she’s being sarcastic. But this, too, she will not answer. She comes off as dumb, but April May is better than anybody so far at watching what she says. Stymied, Phoenix leaves the room.
Phoenix has exhausted all his other options, so he figures it’s time to bite the bullet and meet with this lawyer for Maya. When he arrives at the office–a much nicer one than his and Mia’s–no one is there, but he’s soon startled by a very loud clearing of throat-clearing. The lawyer, Marvin Grossberg, appears in the room. Stunningly, they didn’t just randomly name the guy “Grossberg”–it is a reference to him being very, very fat. He also has a bushy walrus mustache and tiny pince-nez spectacles. “Ah hah!” he cries. “So, you’re the one they say has been looking for me?” I guess this is my clue that I should have visited this place immediately, only to find out that Mr. Grossberg was not in. Oops.
Grossberg notices the badge on Phoenix’s lapel and realizes that it means he is a lawyer. “And what do you want?” he asks. “I’m not particularly busy these days… Please, proceed!” Phoenix wonders why he was so hard to contact in that case, like he’s attempted to contact him at all up to this point. Phoenix, unduly intimidated by this not-hot fat man, manages to stammer out something about Maya and her need for representation. Grossberg suddenly isn’t so interested in what Phoenix has to say. “I’m really quite busy here, son,” he says. “I can’t go taking cases on a day’s notice! No, it’s quite impossible.” He just said two seconds ago that he wasn’t busy at all, and on top of that, Phoenix says, “How did you know the trial was tomorrow!?” Grossberg won’t answer that, and he won’t represent Maya, either. Phoenix would yell at him, or stomp out in a huff, but then he wouldn’t get to go over the room with his interior designer’s eye, and we can’t have that.
The room does have some fairly interesting features. There’s a large bear statue on one shelf, next to a globe that is entirely green, like it’s supposed to be Earth after waves of radioactive waste cover its surface. And on the wall is a large painting of a rugged cowboy staring into the sunset. Phoenix does not approve of this decorative choice, judging the oil in the painting too thick and the painting itself too ostentatious. Note that he says nothing about the inappropriateness of having a painting of a cowboy in a law office. He’s down with that, but it needs to be a better painting. And the cowboy should be shirtless.
That’s not oil paint!
Phoenix is, most likely, taking some pleasure in the fact that now Maya will be stuck with his rookie ass, but nonetheless, he’s not going to give this up without a fight. He decides to employ some guilt-trip tactics on Grossberg, but to no avail. His wailing that Maya needs him, and is Mia Fey’s sister, and that Mia specifically entrusted her sister’s care to Grossberg, does not exactly fall on deaf ears–Grossberg clearly looks guilty and ashamed–but he still will not represent Maya. In fact, when Phoenix is all, “Fine!” and says he’ll look elsewhere for representation, Grossberg says with a grunt, “Think not.” When Phoenix wants to know what the hell that means, Grossberg tells him, “I’m terribly, terribly sorry. But I’m afraid no lawyer worth their salt will take on this particular case.” Of course, he won’t say why this is. But no lawyer worth their salt, eh? Good thing there’s still Phoenix!
Blowjobs?
Phoenix asks Grossberg about Mia next, and how he knew her. It turns out that Mia worked as Grossberg’s apprentice in this law office. “She left one day, quite suddenly… She had a mission, you see.” Whatever this mission was, Grossberg says, “She followed it with a burning passion. Never looked back, that one.” Seems more likely that she wasn’t finding a lot of hot guys around the office. And it probably bugged her that her boss had bigger boobs than her.
And still, despite his desire to get out of this office, Phoenix can’t keep his eyes off that magnificent cowboy painting, so he has to ask about that, too. “It’s my pride and joy!” Grossberg exclaims. “Impressive, isn’t it? Well? ISN’T IT?” I don’t know that we’re talking about the painting anymore, if you follow me. Grossberg proclaims it to be worth “at least three million” of…something. He is convinced that Phoenix wants to buy it, or take it, but he’s not parting with it for any reason. Phoenix is all, “I wasn’t interested…” to himself, since he’s not sure if that three million would be buying him a gay cowboy oil painting or a fat man’s severed wang.
And on that disturbing thought, Phoenix returns to the visitor’s room at the detention center to talk to Maya. It’s now 3:42, so Phoenix has pretty much squandered his entire day, and has a purple cell phone, a three-line autopsy report, and no lawyer for Maya to show for it. Maya greets him enthusiastically enough, but her expression sours when it becomes clear he failed. Phoenix resolves to be honest with her, but then says she shouldn’t use Grossberg anyway. “He…didn’t seem healthy. He was all skin and bones!” Oh, Phoenix. You sweet fool. Maya’s all, “What really happened?” since she can recognize sugar-coating when she sees it. “You don’t mean…he refused to help?” she asks. When Phoenix confirms this with some squeaking noises, she says, “I’ve been abandoned, then,” and in the background some music begins to play that would be great accompaniment for slitting one’s wrists.
Well, the mood in here can’t get any worse, so Phoenix decides it might be time to bring up some more uncomfortable subject matter. Time to talk about Maya’s family. Maya admits that she only has her sister left to her. (The second game shows us this isn’t really true, but whatever.) “My father died when I was very young,” she explains. “And I don’t know where my mother is.” Phoenix thinks that’s kind of strange, so he now has the chance to probe further about Mama Fey. “The women in my family have been mediums for generations,” Maya says. “They say that E.S.P. runs in our blood. About fifteen years ago, our family was involved in an…incident. There was a man, and he…he… He ruined our mother’s life.” Yeah, men tend to do that. Am I right, ladies?
Maya says that her mom disappeared after this incident, which led to Mia, several years later, leaving the mountain to become an attorney, leaving Maya alone. Very nice, Mia. “So, who was this man who, um, ‘ruined’ your mother?” Phoenix asks. He makes it sound like the guy despoiled a virgin or something. So Maya exposits some more. “About 15 years ago…there was an unusual murder case. It made quite a stir, everyone was talking about it, apparently. The police were running out of leads, and they were getting desperate…” Phoenix finishes her thought. “Wait…” he says, “they didn’t use a spirit medium, did they?” They certainly did. “The police convinced my mother to try to contact the victim,” Maya says. “The case was solved…we thought.” Phoenix keeps interrupting her to repeat words like “thought” and “mother” back at Maya in a Shion-like manner, but I’m ignoring him so we can get through this. “The man my mother helped the police capture was innocent,” she says. “The police’s consultation with a medium had all been carried out in secret, of course. But… A man found out about it and leaked it to the press. He told all the papers that my mother was a fraud, and the media jumped on it big time. She…my mother…became the laughingstock of the nation.” I have to imagine, though, that it only would have been a matter of time before the story got out anyway. It’s not like they could parade this suspect into court with zero evidence, and then not even say how they got the name. But here I am, trying to bring logic into a game where detectives consult with spirit mediums so they can talk to victims. Finally, Maya tells us the name of the man who leaked this story: White.
Maya, looking at the clock, realizes that her state-appointed lawyer will be coming soon. Phoenix can either take off or insist upon defending Maya. His hero complex, of course, won’t let him do the former, delicious Mallomars or no. “I’ve made up my mind!” he tells Maya. “I’m going to defend you whether you want me to or not!” Technically he can’t go against her will on this, but the boy’s on a roll–I shouldn’t get in the way. When Maya asks why he’s being such a dingus about this, Phoenix is given a choice. He can say he doesn’t want to abandon her, that he thinks someone else did it, or that he has no idea why. The third option seems to be the most in-character for Phoenix, so that is my choice. “To be honest, I don’t know,” he says. He thinks about the evidence, and how it all points to Maya, but also thinks about the other suspicious things he’s seen today, like April May’s boobs, and Marvin Grossberg’s moobs. Or, you know, the strange way they both behaved. That too. “But more than all that,” Phoenix’s blue text cries, “she has no one left to help her! Nothing is more sad, or more lonely than that.” And mysteriously, he adds, “I know…I’ve been there. A long, long time ago.” As Phoenix broods, he flashes back to himself as a child, crying like a little girl behind a desk in a classroom. “Why did I become a lawyer in the first place…?” his blue thoughts go on. “Because someone has to look out for the people who have no one else on their side.” I could just vomit at all this.
To Maya, he says, “There’s only one thing I know for certain. I won’t abandon you. You can count on me.” If you guessed that Maya would start crying at this, you guessed correctly. But she smiles when Phoenix gives her some words of encouragement. Of course, Mr. Tactless follows that up with, “One last question… You are innocent, right?” Though it would be pretty funny if she just admitted to doing it now that he’s committed to helping her.
Now that Phoenix has some direction in his life, he thinks back to some niggling details, such as the contents of April May’s dresser. He sized her up, apparently, and wants to know what he looks like in heels and a pink women’s power suit. So it’s back to the Gatewater Hotel for a fashion show!
‘Well, hello.’
April May, it turns out, isn’t in her room when Phoenix arrives. Instead, he meets a bellboy. Or, should Phoenix say, a bellman. The bellboy is hardly the most gorgeous man Phoenix has ever seen, but he’s certainly the best-looking guy he’s seen since we started this game. His dark hair has some artful blond streaks, his uniform–with fuchsia lapels–is immaculate, and he’s carrying a tray with tea and cookies. And good lord, could Phoenix use some tea and cookies. The bellboy introduces himself, though he has no name–he’s just the bellboy. The only bellboy in the entire hotel, to hear him tell it. He also declares himself at Phoenix’s “service,” like that.
The bellboy is here to deliver room service for April May, and he’s just on his way out. He informs Phoenix that April is using the bathroom as he leaves. Phoenix calls after him to wait, for no apparent reason–what could he need from the bellboy, other than his phone number? But he comes back anyway, with a request of his own: for Phoenix to tell April that there is a message for her. “Please tell her that Mr. White, of Bluecorp phoned,” says the bellboy, and he leaves. Phoenix’s blue font makes me angry here: “Mr. White…of Bluecorp? Where have I heard that name?” We even have to flash back to Maya’s story so he can remember. Phoenix wonders if the name is a coincidence, and it could very well be, but this is a videogame and people can’t share names, ever.
Phoenix doesn’t want to waste time, so he gets to rummaging in that drawer immediately. If he was hoping to find some lacy undergarments he could try on, he is disappointed here, but he does find something interesting: a wiretapping device. The wiretap is added to Phoenix’s evidence list. In the real world of gay lawyers, Phoenix would never get to use this since he never got a search warrant, but that’s okay in the fake world of gay lawyers. Phoenix decides to scram before April can catch him in the act, but not before talking through at least six screens to basically say, “This is evidence and I am going to use it in court!” Like all lawyers, Phoenix does love the sound of his own voice.
And now Maya’s day in court has finally come. The next morning at 10:00, we convene in Courtroom No. 1, with the honorable judge, uh, Judge presiding. Miles Edgeworth, the prosecutor, announces that he is ready to begin.
Okay, I need a new paragraph for this. Was I just complaining in a previous paragraph that Phoenix hadn’t met any truly foxy men yet in his lawyering adventures? Throw that shit out–his dream man is here. Miles Edgeworth has fine facial features, milky pale skin, luxurious dark silver hair with perfect waviness up front, and strong, broad shoulders. So, even naked–and naked is how Phoenix would like him, right here, right now–Edgeworth is the most fabulous man Phoenix has ever seen. But then there’s the outfit. Edgeworth, true, is not the first man we have come across who enjoys a fine pink suit. His is a deep fuchsia. But he chooses to accent his wardrobe with a charcoal gray suit vest and a frilly white cravat.
Across the aisle, Phoenix is also ready. Ready to grab Edgeworth by those frills of lace and slip him some tongue. Oh, and to begin the trial. What, that’s still going on? We know Phoenix isn’t thinking about it. His blue text says, “I’d better not show any signs of weakness today, or he’ll be on me in an instant.” We can only hope.
The judge asks for Edgeworth’s opening statement. “The defendant, Ms. Maya Fey, was at the scene of the crime,” Edgeworth says. “The prosecution has evidence she committed this murder…and we have a witness who saw her do it. The prosecution sees no reason to doubt the facts of this case, Your Honor.” Damn, he’s smooth. Even I’m convinced now. Edgeworth is asked to call his first witness, and does so, calling Detective Gumshoe to the stand.