In the foreground, four blue benches are lined up in front of a pair of food stands. The more prominent of the two stands is red with white garlands and a festive Christmas wreath. The attached sign reads “Samurai Dogs” and the tiny pixel art of said food items appears to be a set of testicles with ketchup, mustard, and relish on top. Phoenix’s favorite dish! Although we don’t know this yet, I’m going to jump the gun and tell you what you’ve already figured out: Samurai Dogs are hotdogs. In other words, Samurai Wieners. Phoenix’s other favorite dish! At first Maya is impressed by the unimpressive lake, but the Samurai Wieners stand quickly catches her attention: “I wanna Samurai [Wiener]! I bet they’re great!” Phoenix agrees in what is probably supposed to be a sarcastic manner, but after the rename, he sounds completely sincere.
The “Samurai” portion is supposed to refer to the Steel Samurai, which Maya thinks is out of date because The Pink Princess is all the rage now. Yes, that means that in the two months after Sal Manella’s mental jizzstorm where he came up with the perverted idea, the new show is already on the air and has become super popular. Also, now the name “Samurai Wieners” makes me picture Will Powers’s dick, and that’s not cool.
As soon as I gain control of the stylus again, I play the Examine Everything game, just to get it over with. First, let’s all enjoy some historical information about Gourd Lake. According to Phoenix, the lake is so named because once upon a time, “they” grew gourds in the area. Maya appears shocked out of her gourd — see what I did there?! — over this bit of information, as she assumed the name was due to the lake’s shape. Phoenix informs her that coincidentally, the lake is also shaped like a gourd. This is absolutely fascinating stuff. To answer the question I know all of you are asking, no, the gourd shape in question isn’t the phallic kind, but more the hourglass kind. Phoenix wants nothing to do with hourglass shapes, of course. But that gourd also kind of looks like balls.
Phoenix would rather not know.
Examining the rest of the area reveals mostly nothing of note — even the trashcan, which looks as if it might contain some kind of interesting clue, is just a red herring. Well played, game. As is usual for him, Phoenix critiques the shabby Christmas decor of the Samurai Wieners stand. “Somebody needs to redecorate,” he comments in what I imagine is a Tim Gunn voice. Finally, Phoenix and Maya find something suspicious just sitting conveniently on one of the benches. The pair of small colorful cones (one dark blue, one fuchsia, of course) turn out to be party poppers. So in other words, someone just happened to leave sitting around a couple of items that make a sound similar to a gunshot, and the cops either didn’t notice or didn’t give a fuck. Phoenix gets to choose whether or not to stick them in his evidence sack, but it’s a choice that’s not really a choice. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to finish this investigation without taking the poppers. Before Phoenix can make a move, however, Maya snatches the poppers out of Phoenix’s dirty thieving hands and sticks them in her own sack first. They keep finding new and improved ways to fuck with the chain of custody, such as it is.
There’s nothing else to do on this screen, so Phoenix and Maya move on to the boat rental shop. It’s a small shack with a red roof and — surprise! — several rowboats lined up next to its dock. Since there aren’t any other buildings in Gourd Lake Park, Sam theorized that this shop basically serves as the, er, rendezvous spot for the men cruising the park. The shop is closed at the moment, and no one is around — not even the police, even though the victim was supposedly murdered on a boat. Maya, bless her sheltered heart, has never been on a boat before, so Phoenix agrees to take her on the most unromantic boat ride ever after Edgeworth’s trial. Maya changes her mind when she remembers where the murder took place, like there aren’t any other boats in the entire world they could use.
I’ve exhausted everything to do on this screen, so Phoenix moves to the next unexplored area: Gourd Lake Woods. And that’s not referring to multiple erect penises — it’s an actual forest. In a clearing at the edge of the lake someone has set up a campsite. Oddly, no one pitched a tent anywhere. But there’s an SUV in the background, and a picnic blanket and campfire in the foreground. Near the lake is something that causes my stomach to clench in terror — a camera with a long, phallic microphone, both pointing at the lake. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Shit. Motherfucking assbutts.
How would Phoenix know this?
Well, I’m just going to push through this in spite of my PHOTO-related PTSD screaming at me. Poor dumb Phoenix takes in the surroundings and comments, “They’ve got guts, camping at the scene of a murder.” Maya realizes that this mysterious camper might know something about the murder. Neither of them brings up the possibility that this individual might be the witness. But it gets dumber, so let’s move on.
The camper hasn’t made an appearance yet, so Phoenix and Maya have time for another leisurely round of Examine Everything. Phoenix is unimpressed with the shitty dented SUV, like he has any room to criticize cars what with not even owning or being able to drive one. Edgeworth is his only ride. Amidst the usual banter where Maya says things that exasperate the shit out of Phoenix, we find out that camping is prohibited in this spot.
It’s not like something one has a lot of control over, Phoenix.
I’ve managed to put this off for a couple of paragraphs, but I can’t avoid it any longer. Time to check out the — *sigh* — camera. Phoenix, naturally, notices the long, hard mic first. Then things take a turn for the worse. “It must take pictures when triggered by a noise,” Phoenix decides. I feel chilled to my very core. At this point I would rather watch the Pond Scene re-enacted by Big Skulltulas wearing Tidus and Yuna masks.
Ignoring the possibility that someone might be using this camera for legitimate reasons — like taking clandestine pictures of hot guys doing it — Maya tries activating the camera by screaming, “Hi, I’m Nick!” at it. Not sure why she’s trying to frame Phoenix, but whatever. No matter how loud she screams Phoenix’s name — let me rephrase that. Even when she raises her voice, the camera does not go off. Kicking it doesn’t work either. Jesus, would someone give her some Ritalin already? Then Maya has a brainstorm — the party poppers that just so happened to be randomly sitting on the bench on a previous screen might be loud enough to work!
PENIS!
And that does it. As soon as Maya sets off the popper, the camera shutter clicks about two dozen times. For the record, that was the entire purpose of the party poppers Phoenix and Maya found — they have nothing to do with the rest of the case, so it doesn’t matter that the police missed them or that Maya manhandled them. But there was no way for any of them to know that, so I can still consider the whole situation stupid. Plus, if Phoenix and Maya needed to find out how the camera works, they could have, you know, asked the camera’s owner. But that wouldn’t jibe with this game’s flair for the dramatic, of course.
Speaking of drama, the camera’s offscreen owner responds to the violation of her equipment in a suitably over-the-top fashion. She appears onscreen, baring her teeth like she’s about to bite Phoenix’s nuts off. So now I get to describe this person. The most obvious feature is her gigantic ginger fro — think Kyle Broflovski on steroids. She wears an ugly cream-colored 70s sweater under a green pullover, and a headband that matches the sweater. Topping off this very unfashionable look is a pair of gold hoop earrings. The outfit, combined with the lack of giant tits and visible cleavage indicates that this new female character is not meant to be fanboy jackbait. Not that Phoenix cares either way. I’m going to stop playing dumb about her name because I don’t feel like referring to her as ??? for the next five dozen text screens — she’s Lotta Hart. This is the punny way of saying she’s loud and annoying. How awesome for me.
Lotta Hart has one other more prominent character trait, and that’s her thick Southern accent. And you know the localization team isn’t going to stop at a random “tarnation” or “y’all” here and there. The final result is that Lotta sounds like a trailer trash Jerry Springer reject, and I weep at the thought of typing out this awful dialogue. I will concede that recapping Sal Manella had to have been way, way worse for Sam, but that doesn’t make this okay. In order to get through this experience, I reserve the right to trot out any offensive Southern stereotypes I deem necessary.
Back to the action. Lotta is madder than the time she caught her daddy cheatin’ on her with her sister, and shrieks at Maya for using up a whole roll of film. Maybe if she joined the rest of us in the 21st century and switched to digital, this whole mess could have been avoided. This game even takes place in, like, 2017, so it makes even less sense for her to be shooting film. Maya tries to apologize for destroying her property like a spastic two-year-old, but Lotta barely lets her get a word in edgewise. “Don’t try to play stupid with me just ’cause you think I’m some country bumpkin! Yeah, I know how y’all Yanks think! ‘I say, those southern folks talk with that exaggerated drawl, why they must be dumb!’ Well let me tell you, just because I might be dumb don’t mean we all are!” I typed that out just so you can see what I have to deal with here.
The “conversation” continues in that vein, advancing the plot in no way whatsoever. Phoenix and Maya vaguely offer to pay Lotta back for the film at some point, like they have money. When Lotta finally shuts up, Phoenix tries to ask her about the whole murder thing, but she claims to be busy changing the roll of film. “(I wonder if I have anything to show her that would get her attention…)” Phoenix blue-fonts. I’m sure he does, but showing her that would be a bad idea for more reasons than one. Given that Phoenix has one item in his inventory — his badge — the decision is not all that difficult for me.
“I, er, this is my badge,” Phoenix feebly explains, waving his golden sphincter in Lotta’s face. She is less than impressed with it, and once he explains its significance, she instantly assumes he’s there to serve her with a lawsuit. Unfortunately you can’t sue people for being annoying. “We’re here investigating a murder that took place here, on the lake,” Phoenix finally manages to interject. This brutal taking of a human life elicits the following reaction from Lotta: “Sounds cool!” Phoenix doesn’t seem at all creeped out by her excitement over some guy’s death — he’s just happy that someone wants to talk to him.
Now that Lotta is no longer hostile, she encourages Maya to come out of hiding. Maya, stepping out from behind a nearby tree, blames her terror on the “culture gap.” Clearly she was expecting Lotta to go into full-on Deliverance mode, or at least throw a chair into the audience and start a hair-pulling catfight. Lotta offers to speak “Yank” for Maya — not to be confused with the kind of yanking that Phoenix is into — but her attempt sounds (or reads) more like a snooty gay Brit. So kind of like Edgeworth. Sadly, Maya tells her that the hillbilly speech is fine. Thanks, Maya. We finally find out Lotta’s name and what she’s supposedly doing at a park full of gay guys: photographing golden meteor showers. Well, I’m sure there’s no shortage of flaming balls around.
When Phoenix begins questioning Lotta, it soon becomes obvious that she is not the witness that called in the murder. This means that the police combing the woods completely missed the campsite with the loud lady. Our tax dollars at work. Lotta has heard nothing about the murder, as she’s been camped out for three days away from TV and internet access. Phoenix fills her in…er, tells her the basics of the incident, and asks her if she remembers seeing anything. I am going to recap her response verbatim: “Well, lemme see. A boat, ya say? I reckon I mighta seen one… not sure though. Y’all gotta remember I’ve been watching this here lake for a good three days now. I seen enough boats to choke a mule. Kinda hard to remember which I seen when.” Translation: Lotta didn’t see shit. Seriously, who wouldn’t remember seeing someone get shot in a boat in the middle of the night? Besides someone on drugs or someone with brain damage — either way, such a person wouldn’t make a credible witness. Oh shit, what am I saying? Such a person is the only kind of witness in this game. But really, Phoenix could just drop this whole line of questioning right here and move on to the — *sigh* — automatic camera.