No, the other ginormous fucking gate.
Even a mental vegetable would probably notice Gumshoe’s very obvious description of the photo as containing “the Steel Samurai” rather than “Will Powers,” which only goes to show how dumb Maya is when she starts having a panic attack over this latest news. Phoenix doesn’t notice the wording either, but here’s what he does have to say: “(Funny, for someone with hard proof he doesn’t look too happy.)” Probably because Edgeworth isn’t there to admire it. Strangely the next bit of dialogue all involves Phoenix whining about Gumshoe’s happiness at his expense, so I’m confused over his previous comment. You know, the one about hard proof not making Gumshoe happy. I just wanted to type “hard” again.
YOU DON’T SAY!!!!
Gumshoe tells Phoenix that he and Maya have free rein to explore the place. Since Phoenix doesn’t want to stand around staring at Gumshoe’s smug grin and vibrating shoulders — maybe Edgeworth did sleep over at his place the other night! — he tries to enter the crime scene, Studio One. To my extreme non-surprise, he is unable to complete this simple task. This time it’s not due to his depressing incompetence — the damn door requires a cardkey. This means that poor Phoenix must return to someplace even less desirable than Gumshoe’s gloating presence — the main gate. Recapping all of these fetch quests silly errands really drives home how much padding this game has.
Speaking of padding, after a completely pointless exchange where Phoenix and Maya insult both cops and old people, Oldbag pops up in their faces and wonders if they believe their client is guilty. I kind of wish Phoenix would say yes and then we could skip right to Case 4. Assuming that Oldbag is the one who will somehow provide them with the cardkey, I force Phoenix to touch his stylus to the Talk option. This brings up the exact same dialogue options as before, only without the “You already talked about this, dumbass” checkmarks next to them. Just when I thought the padding couldn’t get any less subtle.
The actual dialogue has changed slightly, meaning that this is only a 99% waste of my time. “Why didn’t you tell us about the security photo, ma’am?” Phoenix whines. Okay, I’ll grant that an actual photo is, um, harder evidence than testimony, but Oldbag already told Phoenix earlier that she saw Will Powers (and only Will Powers) heading to the scene of the crime. It’s not like the photo makes this new information. Oldbag takes us through the entire explanation of the security camera again as the game “helpfully” flashes to the screen containing the gate and camera. We are too stupid to understand what she’s talking about without this visual aid.
Isn’t ‘Bearded Samurai’ kind of redundant?
A new “Automatic camera” dialogue option has appeared in response to this conversation. I sure hope someone will explain to me just what the camera does! And where it’s located! Does it take pictures at any particular moments? I’m so lost here! I scroll through the 25th unnecessary explanation before Oldbag tells Phoenix exactly where he’ll have to snoop in order to see said security photos — the computer in the guard station. What a twist! Skeevy voyeur that she is, Oldbag enjoys pawing through the photos right before she leaves for the day.
Hopefully by this point, Phoenix understands the ins and outs of the God damn camera, but I’m not holding my breath. I use my stylus to point Phoenix toward the computer in the security station — after all, the phallic nature of the stylus is bound to catch his attention. But it’s no use. Oldbag screams, “No touching!” right in Phoenix’s face. That’s probably the first time he’s heard that phrase from a woman. So the computer is off limits, and Phoenix still has no cardkey. There’s one more location that Phoenix has yet to visit — the Employee Area. Never mind that Oldbag told him he couldn’t go there. So I’m able to go to the one place that’s supposedly off limits and not allowed to go to the place that isn’t off limits. Sure, that makes sense!
Again, taking it hard is pretty much a prerequisite for any male character in this game.
The Employee Area is depressingly boring to someone like Phoenix who is used to places like the Gatewater Hotel or, again, Redd White’s office. There are some drab, low-roofed buildings, a vending machine, and some round tables with plastic chairs. Phoenix stifles a disappointed yawn, but Maya has the opposite reaction. “This is where they do all the behind-the-scenes stuff!” she squeals. As soon as he hears the word “behind,” Phoenix’s ears perk up. A nearby building houses Will Powers’s dressing room — something I have absolutely no desire to see. That means I’ll eventually have to explore it in detail. Lame.
But first, I must finish examining the Employee Area. It’s a double screen, meaning that I can scroll over to see the rest of the area. The left side is a little bit more exciting, but there are still no naked male statues or gay cowboy paintings, much to Phoenix’s dismay. A painted backdrop leans against a tall concrete wall, surrounded by a bike, a ladder, and what appears to be a pile of wood. Finally, something Phoenix likes. There is also a small drain hole in the base of the wall, with its grate removed. Suspicious!
As much as Phoenix likes to squeeze into tight openings, all the lube in the world won’t help Phoenix get into this one. Disturbingly, he comments that a kid could fit through it. “Yeah, if you snuck in that way you wouldn’t have to pay at the gate!” Maya agrees enthusiastically, adding another level of wrong to this innuendo I’ve created. Perverted interpretations aside, neither one of our protagonists consider the possibility that any kid actually did sneak into the studio. While they could save a lot of time in the long run by pursuing that lead right now, that’s not the way this game works. Phoenix chooses to examine something much more interesting — the remains of yesterday’s lunch on the table. An icky graphic of the dirty plates accompanies Phoenix’s comment, “There’s a t-bone on one of the plates, minus the steak.” That’s right, there are two bones on the plate. Now we know why they caught Phoenix’s attention.
Phoenix uses the rest of his commentary to make fun of Maya’s immature behavior and her ravenous appetite. Thanks to said immature behavior, the two of them end up exploring Will Powers’s dressing room. Maya wants to loot the place for souvenirs — specifically the Samurai Spear. Instead of pointing out that the spear was used to impale manflesh — and not in a good way — Phoenix shrieks, “We don’t need a spear!” Someone is feeling a little bit inadequate.
The dressing room is also disappointingly drab. There’s a blue couch under a window with tan curtains (boring), a rack of clothing that contains nothing fuchsia or pink (boring), and a big table next to a big mirror. The only remotely interesting items in the room are the large, zippered bag next to the dressing table (there might be naughty things in there!) and a creepy Steel Samurai head on the dressing table. If this were a CSI-type show, the Steel Samurai head would contain an actual decapitated head. And the zippered bag probably would contain sex toys as well. Sadly, neither of those are the case here.
Phoenix reminds us that Will Powers was supposedly napping in here during the murder. He’s all skeptical about it, like he doesn’t think anyone could fall asleep on that distinctly unfabulous couch. I think it’s been about two minutes since we last covered the details of the case, so both Phoenix and Maya very thoroughly remind us that there’s no witness to the nap, plus Will supposedly appears in that incriminating photo. You know, the one that the security camera took. The security camera on the gate that snaps a picture every time someone passes. People with Alzheimer’s would love this game.
‘This lipstick would look fantastic with my pink tie!’
After continuing the obligatory running jokes about Maya’s unusual clothes and her appetite, Phoenix primps his spiky hair in the mirror. Just in case, you know, Edgeworth happens to stop by the scene. You can never be too prepared. While he checks himself out, Maya rummages through Will’s big brown sack. Phoenix tries to scold her over that — that’s no job for a girl! — but Maya conveniently turns up a cardkey for Studio One. Another fetch quest complete! Yay for stealing!
The interior of Studio One is about as exciting as a female strip club to Phoenix. Only the detailed chalk outline on the floor — a very accurate silhouette of the Evil Magistrate costume — adds any interest to the scene. The rest of it is taken up with the type of crap you’d expect to see in a studio — backdrop, camera, lighting, and a director’s chair. I make Phoenix examine every inch just in case he makes a comment I can snark on, and in the process, stumble upon another of the series’ running jokes regarding ladders. Yes, ladders. It’s just not worth recapping, but I figured if I didn’t mention it, someone would whine. Maya decides to handle the very expensive camera equipment because she’s a retarded spaz. Her manhandling of studio property catches the unhappy attention of someone on the scene. This new person — another girl, yay for Phoenix — appears onscreen. Phoenix tries to apologize for his assistant, trying to think of a tactful way to say “retarded spaz” and offending Maya in the process. Jesus, he didn’t even say “retarded spaz”! Poor Phoenix just can’t win.
‘Yeah, that horrible doujinshi with the two of us was totally disturbing.’
Anyway, the newcomer introduces herself as Penny Nichols (*sigh*), a studio assistant. She embodies the nerd girl stereotype — side ponytail, huge round glasses, freckles, striped turtleneck, and photo vest. Her very nondescript nature implies that she won’t be hitting on Phoenix, much to his relief. When Maya explains their business, Penny replies, “Oh, you’re WP’s people.” Phoenix doesn’t know how he feels about being called Will Powers’s “people” — will Edgeworth be jealous? “‘WP’…? Oh, Will Powers. W.P., I get it,” Maya DURRs. Holy shit, I think even Phoenix figured out right away what WP means. Jesus.
Luckily for their investigation, Penny turns out to be on Powers’s side, although she thinks their case is pretty much fucked and not in the “Phoenix and Edgeworth in the men’s room stall” sort of way. So now, Phoenix gets to interrogate Penny. If she says one God damn thing about that fucking photo, I’m going to take a sledgehammer to this game. We find out that Penny was the only assistant at the studio on the day of the crime — due to budgetary constraints — and she was there all day. Now it’s time for the flashback sequence from Penny’s POV, only the same exact drawings as before are used to illustrate this. So I — I’m assuming Phoenix isn’t being shown still photos of the scene every time someone tells him a story — get to see the spread-legged man-on-man stick fight once again. Now it’s clear that the squeeing spectator in the background is Oldbag. Ew. “WP and Hammer were there, along with everyone else,” Penny says of the rehearsal in the Employee Area. Phoenix, stupidly, does not drill her (not like that) about what she means by “everyone else.” The image switches to one of Will Powers stuffing his face with T-Bone steak while Jack Hammer gets up from the same table, jabbing his thumb over his shoulder like he’s saying, “Let’s go play with your Samurai Spear over behind that woodpile.” In the background, Penny looks on while Oldbag, too, stuffs her mouth full of meat. It’s a very involved scene.
According to Penny, after the two men screwed behind the woodpile, Hammer went over to Studio One, while “WP” went into his dressing room to sleep it off. “But I didn’t see either of them after that,” she finishes. Well, that was God damn helpful. Phoenix wonders if Penny can verify Will’s alibi. She gets offended at the suggestion that she would sneak into a gay man’s dressing room. “What kind of a girl do you think I am!?” she squeals, like she can’t stand the thought of Phoenix thinking she has a faulty gaydar.
As a result of this completely pointless interview — and I’d like to point out that this is mostly Phoenix’s fault for not asking more fucking questions — Maya’s all, “We just wasted an entire day with nothing to show for it.” I can’t imagine that’s unusual for the two of them. She says that the only evidence they found points to Will as the killer. And yes, she’s referring to the GOD DAMN PHOTOGRAPH.
It does in this fucking game.
Penny thankfully cuts into this woe-is-us conversation to casually mention that something has been bothering her. The music turns all sinister, with a fast porno beat thumping along in the background. On the afternoon of the crime, she sensed another person’s presence. For once, Phoenix actually comes up with a logical possibility — maybe it was another employee. Nope, Penny was the only assistant scheduled that day. Apparently that makes it impossible for any other employees to show up. Besides, Penny has a strong, though unsubstantiated, feeling that the mysterious presence was that of an outsider. “R-really!?” Phoenix ejaculates, like this extremely vague description from Penny has turned his entire case around. Of course you and I know that it probably will, but Phoenix has no reason to think that. He and Maya pretty much brush aside the issue of Oldbag not noticing this person — they don’t even mention the infamous security camera — but who cares when they have this awesome new lead?
Of course, this opens up a new conversational possibility. This recap is never going to fucking end. Speaking of which, when I actually choose the new option and scroll through the ensuing dialogue, there is not one new piece of information to be had. Fuck it. So now that it’s been suggested twice that he go talk to Oldbag about the mysterious intruder, Phoenix is starting to feel like maybe he should go do that. Just a hunch — this is Phoenix we’re talking about.