Finally, there’s only one person left to attempt to impress Damon: Alex himself. Squeak asks Alex what he wants to do, and is met with some meaningful ellipses. “Of course!” Squeak replies. “Leave it to me, Alex!” So even though Alex is the leader of this band of dysfunctional high schoolers, he never actually leads anyone in this exercise. We get a pretty big clue as to Squeak’s design when he shouts, “You used too much clay there, Jessica…they’re not THAT big!” Well, he could be talking about Dyne’s balls, but sadly, I think we all know where this is going. Once, like Nash, Squeak is done ragging on everyone but Mia, the dust clears to reveal a statue of Gams. It’s not ambiguous in any way–it is Gams’s sprite in grayscale. And yet, even though everyone but Kyle has met her, they are all very impressed with Squeak and Alex’s tribute to Althena. Mia says it’s beautiful, and Jessica, the goddamn priestess of Althena, thinks it looks just like her. They may as well have sculpted a clay anvil.
Loading ...Damon says, “That is indeed a beautiful treasure. You have passed the final test…” Meanwhile, Squeak is confused, since he intended the statue to be of Gams. That is so weird, Squeak! I can’t think of any reason anyone would confuse the two. On an unrelated note, it really would have saved everyone a lot of time if Damon had clarified that their treasure had to be something insufferably pious.
The stairs lead to the top of the tower, where Damon lives out a solitary, messy existence. I guess he has trouble finding a maid that can pass his trials. Damon already knows why they’ve come, and hands over the Thieves’ Guide. It’s eye-rollingly bad enough that the trial to join the Thieves’ Guild is to steal a book on how to steal things, but the content makes me want to punch someone in the face: “Rule One: Always be careful. Rule Two: Don’t get caught. Rule Three: See Rules One and Two.” Did Damon and the head of the Thieves’ Guild cook this up as a practical joke? If I could force Alex to take a dump on Damon’s desk right now, I would.
Thankfully, Damon seems to realize that this is maybe not the most useful thing they could have received from his library–or he knows that I want Alex to defecate on his furniture–and he asks Alex if he is still trying to become a Dragonmaster. “No, I thought I’d go back to school and get my MBA,” Alex does not reply. “Yes, of course you are,” Damon says. “You have the green eyes…” It’s been a while since we’ve had that old chestnut thrown in our faces. It makes me wonder why no one ever told Ghaleon that he couldn’t be a Dragonmaster because he has evil red eyes. Anyway, Damon agrees to undo the wizard shenanigans protecting all the books in the tower, so Alex can read them all in preparation for his Dragonmaster Entrance Exam. He also congratulates them all on earning this access and putting up with his inane trials. But with his accolades he also issues a warning: “Besides, knowledge is meaningless if it is not shared with others…even if that knowledge is difficult to accept. You will learn this to be true, Alex…and you must prepare yourself for it.” What knowledge could Alex possibly gain in the future that would be difficult to accept? Whatever, crazy old man!
Most of the books consist of the same cliché tripe that can be found in Vein’s library, with the same mixture of serious books and “funny” books. Several of the books are entitled “The Prophecies of Damon,” and contain blatant foreshadowing of future events, but there’s no point in me going through all of them and blowing my wad on plot points now. The first book Alex opens reads, “The end of one adventure is also the beginning of the next. History becomes legend, and dreams become reality…” I’d say these are Damon’s cliffnotes for the Wheel of Time series, but there’s nothing in there about braid tugging, skirt smoothing, or dice rolling in anyone’s head. Back on the fourth floor, Alex finds a book called, “What Men Know About Women.” Only Squeak points out that all the pages are blank. Ha! It’s funny because men don’t know anything about women! Women be shoppin’! Sigh.
Alex is really Huey Lewis?
Alex reads every single one of the books, the nerd, before the group leaves Damon’s Spire. Yes, it is past time they got back to Reza, but they have one more errand to run first, because I hate myself. See, they still possess the borrowed notebook that got them into the Spire in the first place, and the kids would just feel terrible about not returning it. That means they have to return to Meryod, by way of Meryod Forest, again. I have Alex Flash Cut to his heart’s content to make it go as quickly as possible, but my mood is still as black as my soul by the time they exit. Back in Meryod, the thief Kyle got drunk with has sobered up a bit, and apparently was worried when he came out of his haze that he would never get his notebook back. Because memorizing the single line written in it is just impossible. The thief tells them to take their prize from Damon back to Reza, like I don’t wish I were doing that right now instead of talking to him. But when Kyle hands his notebook back to him, he’s so grateful for their honesty in returning it that he hands them a Silver Light. Silver Lights are the powered-up version of Star Lights, and since they are never available for purchase at any point in the game, it’s worth it to get them whenever possible, even if it means suffering through Meryod fucking Forest. Speaking of which, it’s time to run through there again to get back to Reza! Obviously I think the Silver Light was worth this hassle, but it would be even more worth it if it, I don’t know, could be used as a ball gag for Squeak. But then Kyle would just want to wear it all the time.
The kids travel back to Reza, fucking finally, only to be greeted as members of the Thieves’ Guild by everyone in town. Those failed thieves in Damon’s Spire must be gossipy bitches. Laike, too, has heard about their adventures, while he apparently never left his bar stool the entire time they were gone. His ass must hurt like hell by now. Anyway, Kyle presents the book from the Spire to the bartender, who formally welcomes them to the Thieves’ Guild with the Thieves’ Crest. Do you guys know how many times I have misspelled “thieves” while writing this recap? It has not been pretty. The bartender opens the door behind the bar and tells them to go through it to reach the Thieves’ Bazaar (ugh!) and show the crest to whoever is selling their item. And since opening a door for them seems like a meager reward for all the running around they did, he also says, “Oops, I almost forgot…check out the back of your crest for instructions on how to open treasure chests. You’ll be able to crack any chest, no matter how tightly it’s locked. Pretty useful, eh?” Yes, that means the locked red chests that Alex has been kicking in frustration since the beginning of the game. This sounds like an awesome reward until I remember there was a locked chest in Meryod Forest. Son of a bitch.
On the way to the Thieves’ Bazaar, the group comes across the bedroom of Lily, the bartender’s granddaughter. Couple things to note here. First of all, her bedroom is the size of Alex’s entire house. The furniture doesn’t come close to taking up the space in this room, and she has three different wardrobes, for crying out loud. Second, he’s set up his house and place of business so that a bunch of criminals have to walk past his granddaughter’s bedroom, which has no door, to get to their bazaar where they sell stolen goods? This man is a genius. Lily greets them cheerfully and wants to play because she’s so lonely–I guess not one man in the parade of seedy criminals walking past her door on an hourly basis wants to play board games. Jessica says, get this, “Lily, I know your grandpa’s told you this… But I’ll tell you, just in case. You really shouldn’t be so trusting of strangers.” But they just walked into her room without permission. What’s she going to do about it? And other than the fact that this is massive foreshadowing for what’s about to happen to poor Lily, she must not be that trusting of strangers, or various members of her grandpa’s guild would have kidnapped her roughly five thousand times by now. Just for that extra sprinkle of foreshadowing, Squeak says, “This kid has a sweet voice, Alex. It reminds me of [Gams]…” But no, I’m sure Lily will be just fine.
The Thieves’ Bazaar is held in a room only slightly larger than Lily’s bedroom, and features all manner of vendors and discounted goods. But those guys aren’t going anywhere, and our heroes are eager to finally get back the White Dragon Wings they worked so diligently to avoid getting back in an efficient manner. The thief in question is standing in one corner of the bazaar with his back to them, either fiddling with his stolen magical item or masturbating. He turns around when they approach and says, “Well, howdy-do, savvy shoppers! Have I got a primo purchase for you, my friends! It’s a thing with wings…I have no idea how to use ’em, but they have magic in ’em or something.” He should advertise it as, “A Wizard Made This!”
Kyle offers to show the guy how to use them, which I imagine involves teleporting him to Meryod Forest and leaving him there, but maybe I’m just bitter. “See this crest?” Kyle asks, grinning. “Recognize it? Yes, it’s a Thieves’ Guild crest. I KNOW you know what that means, kiddo.” The man protests that they weren’t guilded when he stole it, which really should count for something, but Kyle just adds, “You’re gonna split hairs with Kyle of Nanza, huh? Not a healthy choice…” The man has obviously heard of Kyle and doesn’t want any trouble from the “king of ripper-offers,” so he hands over the White Dragon Wings, plus a bar of soap, because he’s just such a nice guy.
I said back at the beginning of this Matryoshka doll of fetch quests that they could just find the guy and take the Wings back by force, but instead they decided to go about things the polite way. And it turns out the polite way meant traveling all the way to Meryod (and dealing with one mandatory round trip through Meryod motherfucking Forest), falling in a river, getting a notebook from a guy, traveling to Damon’s Spire to use the one stupid line in the notebook, completing Damon’s interminable battery of tests and therapy sessions, returning to Reza, joining the Thieves’ Guild, and then…threatening the thief to give up the Wings or else, because he doesn’t fucking care that they’re in the Thieves’ Guild?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Alex would bludgeon himself bloody with the White Dragon Wings right now, but he needs them if he is to safely avoid ever traversing that cocksucking forest again, so he can’t risk breaking them. No one in the party seems to have a problem with how all of this went down, I guess because they’re so happy they got to hang out in Damon’s fucking library. Jesus Christ. Moving on, because if I dwell on this I’ll become a danger to myself, the gang does some shopping at the bazaar before heading back to the bar. On the way, however, the music turns sinister. Right before they get to Lily’s room, in fact. Oh no! Who could have predicted that something would happen to her? She was so well protected!
“Lily,” Royce is saying in Lily’s cavernous bedroom, “why don’t you come with me? I’m going to take us to a cool place!” For all the other things I took Royce for, I did not take her for a child molester. More fool I, I suppose. Lily is unsure about going away in this creepy lady’s van, no matter how many gummi bears she has in there, because her grandpa would worry about her. “No, he won’t!” Royce replies. “I shall tell him where we’re going…now come on! Let’s have some fun!” Either Lily’s about to endure some bad touching, or she’s going to be turned into a dolphin like that kid in The Witches.
Jessica, you pervert!
Our heroes burst into the room and tell Lily not to go anywhere with mean ol’ Royce–Jessica even threatens her, saying she’ll “never get to play again” if she leaves. Come on, now, we don’t know that’s true. Maybe Royce is taking Lily to a magical bouncy castle with a ball pit. Royce calls them a “pack of puling pubescents,” which I’m sure she thinks is clever, and says she predicted that they would show up to bother her, because of course she did. Kyle demands to know why they’re kidnapping singers, because they love asking that question when there are more important things to take care of, like keeping them from kidnapping singers. Royce does admit that she and Lily are going to the Frontier, but maybe they have bouncy castles there. Lily’s grandpa rushes in just in time to see her and Royce teleport out. But Royce’s voice sticks around long enough to “predict” for Alex that he will die in his attempt to reach the Red Dragon.
Lily’s grandpa is understandably upset–he let these teenagers into his house for five minutes and they’re suspiciously in the room when his granddaughter is kidnapped. Never mind that her room is basically a honeypot for any potential kidnappers in the Thieves’ Guild, and that the lady who ended up doing the deed has teleportation powers. But when they explain what’s happened, he calms down a bit. He even tells them he might have a way for them to reach the Red Dragon Cave, which cannot by accessed by land. He asks them to follow him back to the Thieves’ Bazaar, where I’m sure there’s someone else they can rough up in exchange for goods.
A blue-haired thief on the west side of the bazaar shows them a set of blueprints for a balloon. He stole them from someone in the nerdy engineer village of Iluk, but doesn’t understand what to do with them. Lily’s grandpa tells them to take the plans to Iluk and find a neckbeard there to build them a balloon to fly to the Red Dragon Cave.
And with their next mission before them, we will leave our heroes for now. Join me in part nine for another village full of stereotypes, engineering shenanigans, a magazine called “Hot Girl News,” and a trip to the Red Dragon Cave. See you then!