One more thing of note: as you know, when Jessica isn’t playing hooky to break up with her boyfriend and save towns from corrupt Dragonmasters, she’s kinda sorta studying to be a priestess at the Shrine of Foreshadowing and Learning How to Heal Stuff. This means she specializes in healing magic. And frankly, in an anemic party of four, I’m not really digging the redundancy of having two healers. There are two things that make me not care: 1) Jessica, unlike Gams, has some muscle and can beat the crap out of things with her big mace, so at least I have a fighter in the group other than Alex; and 2) the fact that I’m being introduced to a new healer is Painful Whack to the Head #2 that Gams won’t be with us much longer. In case you were wondering, Painful Whack to the Head #1 is Gams herself and her blinding Mary Sue qualities: she might as well have a sign around her neck that reads, “I am going to be kidnapped.”

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I manage to deal with all these things–I’m a trooper–and make it to the general area where the phony Dragonmaster is, but after fighting umpteen thousand battles against nasty swamp creatures, I’m not in the best shape to be taking on a boss. So I find the path of least resistance back to the boat. Jessica seems to think it’s a good idea to take a quick break, like we’re all brainstorming for a group presentation in the library instead of searching for an evil fake Dragonmaster. But whatever, I want to get Gams and Nash’s MP back.

*snicker*

No tragic boating accident keeps the kids from coming back, so two minutes later it’s right back to Lann Island to track down the identity-stealing butthole of the day. Avoiding further battles as much as I can, I trace my way back to the swamp home of our economy-wrecking quarry. Dude’s just standing around doing nothing, right next to a crappy tent which he presumably lives in. You don’t have to confront the guy until you actually walk right up to him and talk to him, so Alex goes to check out the tent. Squeak observes that whoever set this piece of shit up has obviously never pitched a tent in his life. Jessica says, “That settles it. This guy is a complete fake!” Now, I’m not questioning the obvious shittiness of the tent job, but are we saying here that the guy’s level of Dragonmastery can be entirely determined by how well he erects a tent pole? Answering me, Jessica says, “The Dragonmaster is a real man…and real men can pitch tents in the blink of an eye!” I don’t think I can put it any better than that.

Yeah, that is a crappy tent.

After making sure to save–I’ll be goddamned if I’m ever going through this pit again–Alex approaches our girly man with no tent-pitching abilities. “Hey, you brats!” he says, and in my head he has a whiny, nasal, fat comic book geek voice. “What business do you have bothering me, the great Dragonmaster Zoc?” Dragonmaster Zoc? Great name, Poindexter. I bet he hasn’t even taken his collectible Althena’s Sword out of the original packaging. Nonetheless, Zoc quickly figures out that the kids are here to take him down, so he spouts a bunch of crap about having, like, wicked cool smiting powers! Oooh, scaaary!

Squeak asks, “If you’re the real Dragonmaster, you must have met the four Dragons, right? What are their colors?” Zoc starts off okay, remembering the White and Red Dragons, but then shows his ignorance–and possibly his gayness–by thinking the other two are mauve and teal. Maybe back in the 1986 they were, dude. So the guy attacks innocent people, lives in a swamp, can’t pitch a tent, and thinks there’s a Mauve Dragon of Althena. “Alex, this guy is even more full of it than Nash!” Squeak yells. Amen to that.

Zoc doesn’t care what they think–he’s about to sic a Dragon on their asses! Yeah, suck on that! Out of the pond behind him hops a tiny little toad. Only he swells to the size of a luxury sedan. And by “swelling,” I mean the game designers blew up his sprite in MS Paint. Jesus, guys, this is a Playstation game. This is just embarrassing.

…

At least the giant toad in the battle screen isn’t the 8-bit monster from a few seconds ago, because that’d be kind of distracting. It actually looks like a real monster now. Not!Dragonmaster Zoc is standing on top of it, thinking he must look really 1337 to these n00bs. It’s the usual boss battle drill: Alex and Jessica wail on it, Gams heals and Nash casts Thunder Bomb. For what it’s worth, it’s obvious that Jessica must skip a lot of classes at the Shrine of Foreshadowing, because Gams is ten times the healer she is. Of course, Jessica isn’t a goddess in the body of a mopey teenager, so I guess I should cut her some slack. In an extra-happy twist, Zoc and his toad are weak to both Nash’s Thunder spells and Alex’s Sword Dance, making up for all those bullshit monsters on the rest of the island that weren’t weak to anything. Also, the toad has no really powerful attacks, giving even more merit to the idea that Zoc is a total hack.

Penis!

Following his ugly, ugly defeat, Zoc shrieks that they destroyed his adorable little dragon. Jessica explains that it was actually a creatively named Frog-Lizard, and probably would have made him into a non-tasty meal if they hadn’t killed it. Jessica and Nash yell at the guy until he starts crying. “When I learned magic,” he sobs into his Faye Valentine body pillow, “I let it go to my head… and I used it to get what I wanted. I abused the power.” That translated somehow into living in the swamp and terrorizing villagers with his Frog-Lizard with the penis tongue. Alex silently wonders why he ever considered this guy competition. With a happy smile–I have no idea why–Gams says, “Promise us you won’t use magic for evil any more!” Zoc does as asked and runs off scot-free, because he promised he would be a good boy. Stupid Gams.

Thanks to Jessica’s Escape Litany, five seconds later the kids are back at the entrance to the island and sailing back to Lann. When they arrive, they’re greeted at the docks by none other than Priestess Fellatio. She tells them she came all the way here to see if the Dragonmaster of Lann was the real deal. She pouts a little when they inform her that he definitely wasn’t, but adds, “I pray the rumors of a Magic Emperor turn out to be spurious as well.” Clearly, one does not have to be within the hallowed walls of the Shrine of Foreshadowing to make use of its powers. THWACK.

Fellatio takes off back to the Shrine, and to her back Jessica’s all, “Who the hell was that broad?” Nash takes the obvious reply and runs with it: “That was [Fellatio], the leader of [the Shrine of Foreshadowing]! You know, the place where you study magic?” Followed with, natch, “Or should I say the place where you’re SUPPOSED to be studying magic?” Sadly, Jessica has no comeback for this burn, so Nash probably thinks he’s a witty stud now. But she does say that she’s positive there’s no one at the Shrine named Fellatio, and that she really has never seen this lady before. Either something is up with Fellatio, or Jessica ditches class to go to Nanza far more than anyone has given her credit for.

Whatever the case, Jessica’s going to find out what the deal is, and bids everybody farewell. She says as an afterthought, “Take of yourself, Nash,” before walking away. Is that a typo and she’s telling him to take care of himself, or is it some bizarre Engrish and she’s asking him to take off himself? Is she saying he masturbates? I don’t know. Once Jessica’s gone, Nash feels it extremely necessary to compare her unfavorably to his lady love Mia. Squeak observes that they’re both nice girls, and that Nash probably would jump in the sack with either one if ever given the chance. And I’ll agree with Squeak on that one, only because it’s obviously purely hypothetical as Nash’s chances of scoring with either of them are about as good as the odds of me scoring with J.K. Simmons.

There’s nothing to do now but report back to Ghaleon about Zoc the Fraud, so it’s time to return to Vein. We’ll leave off with Alex and pals here, but be sure to tune in next time for part six, when bad stuff happens in the Magic City that no one ever saw coming. Alex might even become a prison bitch! And his soap isn’t even on a rope! Damn the cruel irony!