I have now had my game footage paused for several minutes, frozen on Alex’s face as he shouts, “You…you’re…lying to me!!” and I can’t move forward until I stop laughing. After 22 hours of gameplay and nearly 13 recaps, someone finally comes out and says the thing that’s been obvious for an EXTREMELY long time, and even now, not one of these six staggering dingdongs says anything like, “It can’t b–wait, it actually would explain a lot.” Not Kyle, who has never really met Gams and has no emotional attachment to her clouding his judgment! Not Nash, who you’d think would have MAYBE picked up on some of this while being a two-faced shithead and reporting to Ghaleon and Royce! Not Mia, who has vast knowledge of the arcane and had to realize ages ago something was up with this girl! Not Jessica, who FUCKING STUDIED AT THE TEMPLE OF ALTHENA! And not Squeak and Alex, who…look, they’re just dumb as sacks of hammers and I have nothing. I bet Alex’s parents figured this shit out like 10 years ago.

“I’m afraid it’s true, dragonboy. Shocking, perhaps, but so very true,” Ghaleon says. No need to go that far. Don’t coddle the children. “For 15 years, the Goddess lived as a human being…with memories buried deep within her soul. But I have awakened the dear Goddess…revived her power…and claimed it for myself!” And outfitted her to his liking, which is to say, like himself! It’s like fucking a mirror, if they were fucking, which, no. Maybe it’s like thinking about how cool it would be to fuck a mirror! That works. “With our combined magical strength,” Ghaleon goes on, though I’m close to my limit for his monologue stylings and might just read Twitter for a bit, “your chances of stopping me are nil.” I feel like that was true without Gamsthena’s almighty powers, but sure, I see why you’d want the insurance.

Ghaleon’s all ready to alight to Althena’s Fortress with the lady of the hour, but Alex and Pals storm the platform to stop him. It’s pretty cute, given everything Ghaleon just said, but it wouldn’t be like Green-Eyed Dorklord here to give up and let them go. “I used to find your effusive manner somewhat amusing,” Ghaleon says, now snarling, “but now I find it to be a thorn in the side of my ambition.” Why…why not just say “thorn in my side”? Ambition doesn’t have sides! Ghaleon Rhetoric Tolerance Meter at five percent. “But I’m feeling generous today. I grant your wish. A fight to the death, then.” When Alex is shocked and silent in response, Ghaleon can only say, “That is what you wanted, isn’t it, dragonBOY?! Well, then…step FORTH!” Though I’m close to needing a very long, very silent nap after all this, I can still appreciate him cutting the bullshit here. Gamsthena even steps back so they can have their little Temecula fistfight.

And now it’s time to fight Ghaleon again, except for real this time, except not for real because it’s impossible to win. Right out of the gate, everyone is helpfully at full except for Alex, who apparently had his MP zapped away when Gamsthena forcibly removed him from her grill. I gamely have the team treat this like a real fight anyway, disconcerted though we all are when Ghaleon floats there calmly and doesn’t even attack for the first three rounds. But when he does…shit. First he throws a more powerful Ow Cold than his doppelganger used, and in round five, he unleashes a fun new spell he’s been cooking up called Hell Wave, which is basically Aura Bolt, but Ghaleon seems to have no problem hitting the button combo. Everyone biffs it in embarrassing fashion. He didn’t even have to try! Did Tempest and Fresca and all those other Paoites die (I hope) in vain?!

Is that bad

Over the unconscious bodies of his enemies, Ghaleon has a good long laugh. Like he’s ever needed an excuse for a good long laugh, but he has one! Everything’s coming up Ghaleon. “What a delightfully inept showing that was for the good team!” he crows to Gamsthena, and he’s got his Magic Emperor distortion box back on even though he no longer has the helmet. Maybe he’s got speakers hooked up to a tube in his giant fucking shoulderpads. “With THEM out of the way, I now claim the title of Supreme Ruler!” Oh come on, Ghaleon, you can’t stand there and tell me with a straight face that you needed these nerds disposed of to do that. I don’t believe you. You probably already have a crown made and everything. A purple ball of lightning transports Ghaleon and Gamsthena to the fortress, but even as he’s speeding away and shouldn’t be audible anymore, he’s still monologuing. Jesus take the wheel. “The world is my oyster! And dear [Gams] is now my eternal pearl!” That’s…better, on the metaphor front. I’m still annoyed.

Welp, that’s that! Good try, Alex, but it’s kind of hard to be a good Dragonmaster when all the dragons are comatose tank generators! But Squeak is left to survey the carnage, since Ghaleon didn’t even bother putting him down. I get it. As THE GRINDERY begins to shake some more, perhaps set to self-destruct just because Ghaleon felt like it, Squeak nudges at Alex, but the Dragonmaster is down for the count. He shouts for the others too, also for naught. He tries a different tactic. “Alex! We have to help [Gams]! ALEX!!” Help her fall off that tower to her death, maybe. And I just realized she’s immortal! Son of a bitch. “If I don’t get them out of here now,” Squeak says, “they’re all going to die…and [Gams] will die with them!” Seriously, dude? Fuck her! At least, fuck her temporarily, since she is not currently in your jurisdiction! (Also, just fuck her overall.)

Maybe we’re all dead!

Thoughts of POOR, HELPLESS GAMS embolden Squeak to save everyone, even though he is a useless, five-pound turd. But quite fortunately for him, for Team Alex, and yes, even for fucking Gams, this useless, five-pound turd shares a MYSTERIOUS ORIGIN with his favorite gal, and accordingly, he starts to glow, along with the White Dragon Wings. The screen flashes white, and Big Hero Squeak gets his charges the fuck off THE GRINDERY. Fucking fantastic. He’s going to be insufferable.

Of course we can’t just cut to the teens waking up elsewhere, because I can’t have nice things. On a black screen, Alex, no longer in his Dragonmaster accoutrements, listens to Gams’s voice calling his name with increasing insistence. Eventually, she says, “Never stop believing in your power to change the world, and especially my love for you!” Believe in yourself, Alex, but also ME! ME ME ME. “For love is the wellspring of all that is good, and far more powerful than you can ever imagine.” We get it, Gams, you and your love are soooooooo powerful! We just heard about you being a fucking goddess and everything! “Believe in yourself, Alex, and you will find the strength to do what must be done!” I swear, she’s about to go, “Also, I’m pregnant!” and then Althena’s Tower will have to infiltrate itself, because I’m out.

Okay, now Alex can wake up. He does, in Jess’s bedroom in Meribia. The music is still very sad, so I’m guessing the party didn’t cope with their despair by having a debaucherous five-way with Squeak locked out in the hallway. Alex complains of a headache, and then he remembers all that shit that happened, and he’s mad at Ghaleon continuing to exist all over again. It’s pretty great. Squeak gets up from the center of the rug–where he was blending in so well he kind of startled me by moving–and flies on over to his boy. He recounts what happened after they all passed out, notes that the Wings brought them straight here (big ups for not dumping them in, like, Iluk) and adds, “I don’t know what made them do that, Alex. Maybe Quark was watching over us…” THAT MUST BE IT. Oh my God, how can he be this dumb? How does physics even allow for it?

Per Squeak, Alex has been asleep for three days, though his friends all woke up some time ago, since they are as dumb as Alex but were not as personally, psychically hurt by learning all that shit they should have figured out already. Jess and Mia have apparently alternated between fretting at Alex’s bedside and coming up with a plan. “Nash and Kyle are…well, you have to see it for yourself,” Squeak says. “And you won’t be too happy…” Are they fucking? Dude, Alex doesn’t care. It’s fine. I’m ecstatic, personally.

Kyle and Nash’s engagement party will have to wait for next time, though. In our final Lunar: Silver Star Story installment, the gang will get back together, storm the final dungeon, somehow beat the bad guy, and probably rescue the fucking girl, too, or Squeak will never let them hear the end of it. But only after two more SHOCKING REVELATIONS. You will be so, so shocked. I promise.