Squeak congratulates Alex on somehow having the least dysfunctional hetero relationship in this game. “I heard her singing, [Squeak]…and I felt her!” Alex overshares with a dopey grin. As Kyle, Nash, and Mia join Alex on the Blue Dragon Phallus’s tongue bridge, Jess hangs back and muses, “It must be wonderful to be so deeply in love as Alex and [Gams]. I only wish a certain handsome barbarian would realize I feel the same way about him…” Okay, step one to that wish coming true is to stop referring to your dark-skinned boyfriend as a “barbarian.” So let’s work on that. Step two is not fucking fighting all the time. Step three is just getting with Mia already, because relationships should not be this much work. Kyle breaks her out of her reverie by yelling back at her, “Hey, Jess! Care to join the rest of us, or are you gonna stay here to work on your singing?” That’s a burn. Jess forgets everything she just said and yells right back, “Another word outta you and I’ll be using your face to work on my left jab!” And then she sighs. Boys are so hard!
So, the Blue Dragon Cave. This one is blue! And in case this isn’t obvious from the fact that it’s normally underneath a fucking lake, there’s water in here! I know, I thought this was going to be the earth dungeon, too. The walls in this particular dragon cave are cobalt-blue and wavy, like the folds in ribbon candy. This has the effect of making Alex feel like he’s in a big blue womb, and now he really wonders how Gams was close enough to feel his ocarina playing.
The only thing in the tiny foyer of the cave is an extremely obvious pool of magical-looking blue water with a tiny set of steps leading into it. “Has anyone seen a staircase?” Mia asks, while they stand two feet away from a small, but obvious, staircase. “I’m afraid I haven’t…” She’s the smart one! “We also haven’t found any doors, and I haven’t sensed any magical barriers,” Nash adds in an expert humblebrag. Sadly, it is Squeak who finally suggests they check out this water, since he wonders if it may be magical. DURRRRR. Alex bravely says there’s only one way to find out and hops in the Blue Dragon’s jacuzzi, shouting “#YOLOOOOO” as the water sucks him under.
Even though magical wunderkinds Mia and Nash couldn’t figure this shit out–and Nash was all about fanwanking arcane explanations of the Red Dragon Cave–the pool magically spits Alex out in another room and immediately into the path of some blue slimes, creatively (and safely avoiding trademark issues) named Gelatins. The Blue Raspberry Jellos are just as easy to defeat as their palette-swapped gooey cousins in every other dungeon, especially with their weakness to both thunder and fire magic. So Alex steps over their delicious corpses into the only other magic jacuzzi in the room.
This all seems easy enough, until jacuzzi room #3. In here are four new hot tubs to choose from, and the wrong ones will spit out some Jellos if Alex tries to jump into them. Oh no! This would be a major problem if I weren’t using a magical tome to determine the correct entryways. I am obviously more cut out for this wizard shit than Nash. The bigger problem in this room is that the monsters start getting tougher. On his way to the correct jacuzzi, Alex runs into some “Aqua Genies,” which are obviously blue except for their phallic golden sabers and red Blanca wigs. Also, it’s hard to tell from the sprite graphics, but they kind of look like they have one eyeball hanging out of its socket. The Blanca Genies, with an assist from the Jellos, hit hard enough to knock Kyle on his fur-swaddled ass in one round. And that was without using their large attack, in which they ejaculate rainbow lasers out of their golden penis swords. As much as it pains me to be this non-thrifty with the kids’ mana, I resolve to just have Alex Flash Cut his way through most of the many, many upcoming genie packs.
Alex and the girls think this is pretty hot.
Jacuzzi room #4 is more of the same–I keep hoping I’m going to hop through a pool and end up in Kanji’s Bathhouse and it keeps not happening for me. Alex, Kyle, and Nash would be in hog heaven there, too. Sigh. The newest member of the Everything’s Gotta Be Blue family of monsters is a “Razor Wolf”–which, I’m sorry, this thing is so clearly supposed to be Sonic the Hedgehog that I’m almost insulted they bothered calling it anything else. It even spins really fast and hops around on our heroes’ heads like they’re stuffed with golden rings. I mean, it’s not wearing red sneakers, and is probably not in a gay relationship with a golden fox that is lovingly depicted in millions of graphic pieces of fan art, but come on.
This is…Phonic! The…Porcupine! Don’t sue!
Okay, even I can’t make up anything interesting about the remaining four jacuzzi rooms, and I just got this close to diving down the Sonic/Tails furry porn rabbit hole. I guess it’s worth noting that the final room leading to the Blue Dragon Chamber is fucking massive and I get lost for about 10 minutes. Yes, I got lost in this game. Also, there’s a Ruby Tiara for Jess in a chest somewhere in there, and like all her other tiaras, Kyle is gonna look great in it at 3 a.m. when he puts on his one-man burlesque show in his tent. But that is totally it. So let’s just skip right to the end.
When they enter the Blue Dragon Chamber, Squeak notes that it’s dark in there, which feels like a bad sign, until a flash of light announces the Blue Dragon. And…whoa. Now I know where the Blanca Genies got their rainbow jizz lasers, because the Blue Dragon is rocking some serious rainbow power. He has lovely iridescent rainbow wings, colorful rainbow fins on his tail and head, horns that look like golden bells plucked from a Christmas tree, and what look to be classy French manicured talons. Even Squeak, who is probably colorblind, can recognize the Blue Dragon’s sassy style.
Given that Kyle codewords that he’s “laid back,” and that he has lost track of the time to the point that he calls Mia by her mother’s name, we’re also supposed to believe this is a stoned gay dragon. When Mia tells him she’s actually Lemia’s less slutty and fun daughter, BD goes, “Really? Thunderation! That was a longer nap than I thought!” He’s awesome. “So, then,” he goes on, deploying his rainbow-colored anvils, “where is the Goddess? I thought it was her song that woke me up…” Someone who is like Althena–maybe even looks like her–and also sings? WHO COULD IT BE. He adds, “But then I remembered she wouldn’t be able to do that anymore.” Why, whatever does BD mean? Did something happen to Althena? He’d better tell us, because I’m sure no one else will bring it up. But when Alex is like, “Huh?” BD just stonewalls that it’s too early in the script to talk about it yet. “I’ve always talked way too much. Secrets were not my forte…” he rambles on. A rainbow-colored, pot-smoking gossip hound dragon is really too much awesome for me to handle in one recap. And he’s still talking! “Alicia and Laticia always joked that I should be called the Blabbing Blue Dragon…” Squeak feels the need to catsplain to Alex that “those are the names of ancient Dragonmasters!” Because I’m sure he didn’t know.
“Alas!!” BD cries out, awesomely. “I just noticed that you have the Wings and the Shield! What did you think about my brothers? They are a little stodgy, if you ask me…” After Squeak made this huge hairy deal out of the Red Dragon’s lack of a Y chromosome, I find this pretty amusing. Also, I bet BD is definitely the dragon you want to sit next to at the dragon family Thanksgiving dinner. He’d probably drink too many hot toddies and let slip that Quark had a goth phase in high school.
Since he needs to know the new Dragonmaster’s name in order to be catty about him behind his back later, he asks for Alex to identify himself before handing over the goods. Alex goes, “My name is Alex. And the White Dragon has…” BD finishes for him, “No sense of humor. I know.” Ha! God, he is great. He adds–I hope I’m not supposed to find this sad, because he’s too funny for me to care–“Don’tcha think it’s ironic that the White Dragon doesn’t know how to lighten up?” Can I apply for BD to be my BFF and watch Sleepy Hollow with me?
‘And Ghaleon has had, like, ALL the Botox.’
Anyway, BD tells Alex that being able to enter the Blue Dragon Shrine in the first place with the power of looooooove was itself the Dragon Trial, so he’s already earned his next piece of swag. Knowing what I know now, I’m kind of surprised–this Blue Dragon seems like he would have a great time arranging dates for an unattached Dragonmaster. BD flips a switch under one pretty talon and a door rumbles open for Alex to go grab the Blue Dragon Helmet. Mia too tries to tell BD about the fate of his two siblings, but he just cuts her off with more gab about Althena not spending enough silver on the finer accoutrements every dragon cave needs. He actually dishes a bunch more gossip when Alex keeps talking to him–and drops another anvil about something happening to Althena–but gets increasingly insistent that Alex go get his goddamn hat already, and more or less implies that Alex may be an idiot who doesn’t know how to walk through a door, so Alex does as he asks. Nothing had better happen to my new pal while I’m gone! I will cut a bitch!
Indeed, off to a side room just like in the Red Dragon Cave, they find a magical bubble holding the shining Blue Dragon Motherfucking Earflap Hat. It is red and furry and there are earflaps. Alex is at full mast right now. Jessica says, unfortunately given what’s happened and is about to happen, “You did it, Alex! Three Dragons down, one to go!” She’s just ruminating on what will happen when the last dragon goes down (awkward) when the room quakes and a MIDI-fied beastly scream fills the room. Squeak, with no sense of urgency, duhs, “Alex, that noise sounded like it came from the Blue Dragon’s lair.” Um, no shit. “Let’s go back and see what’s going on…” I’m sure what’s going on is totally not my new bestie getting tranquilized and captured by the Evil Slag Trio. He’s fine, you guys! Totally fine! We have all these plans! He knows this great tapas place that I just have to try!
AWWW YISSSSSS
Ugh, so BD is totally gone when they come back, because life sucks and is unfair. “What’s going on?!” Nash cries, a little too naïvely. Squeak chimes in, “Where’s the Blue Dragon?” IN HEAVEN NOW, WITH THE ANGELS, SQUEAK. NO THANKS TO YOU. A voice informs them, “You’re too late. He’s already under our control…” This time they are greeted by Fellatio, I guess because her outfit matches the cave. Kyle snarls, “I should’ve expected to see you here, witch!” I mean, maybe not Fellatio personally, but otherwise yes, you all should have? Jesus, these kids.
Again, because Fellatio is the Nice One, nobody calls her a whore, Jess actually offers to not hurt her if she returns the Blue Dragon, and Mia asks her with her Stricken Face on, “I don’t understand why you’re doing such a terrible thing…” You’re so nice and not skanky! Why, Fellatio, why?! “No, you wouldn’t understand,” she replies. “You have no idea what it has been like for us to survive in the Frontier… And you don’t know what it will take to turn the dreams of my people into reality.” I’m guessing that imprisoning a bunch of dragons in magical comas is not for the express purpose of saving Fellatio’s people. But maybe I’m all wrong about Ghaleon and this is some big humanitarian effort on his part. Nash goes, again maybe trying a little too hard to be shocked, “The Frontier? The place where the Vile Tribe was banished by Althena 500 years ago?” No, the other Frontier.
Fellatio clearly has a grudge against Althena for dicking over the Vile Tribe and sending them to live in Oklahoma, but she does show remorse when Squeak whines that they could have left Gams out of it. “I…I’m sorry…” she says, “but it was necessary for us to capture [Gams] and the other singers. I give you my word that she is unharmed…and will stay that way if you return home.” Oh, Fellatio, don’t make promises I don’t want you to keep. “Continue to interfere with the Emperor’s plans, and you place her life in jeopardy…” NOT THAT.
Her warning issued, and her dragon netted, Fellatio peaces out, and is immediately replaced by the ghost or hologram or whatever the fuck of the Blue Dragon. “I was careless…” he laments. “Ghaleon…swore allegiance to Althena…along with Dyne. But now…that allegiance has been…forsaken…and I think I understand…why.” Imprisonment by the Magic Emperor has replaced all the Blue Dragon’s pithiness with ellipses, and I am not in favor of this trade-off. “Ghaleon was…jealous of Dyne and Althena…all this time…how…pathetic.” Never mind! Kitty’s still got claws. And I’m sure we’re supposed to interpret that as Ghaleon being jealous of Dyne’s favor with Althena, but obviously I’m taking it the other way. That bitch!
Alex will not be doing that.
The Blue Dragon, with his little remaining time, addresses Alex directly: “I beg you to…become the Dragonmaster…and protect the Goddess…from Ghaleon… She…fifteen years ago…her power was lo…” And then he disappears. Her power was lowbrow? Lollipops? Logistically unfeasible? Don’t leave me hanging, dude! Squeak is all upset again about the loss of this dragon that we just met and was way better friends with me, anyway. As they leave, Nash wonders, “If the Dragons can’t fight the Magic Emperor and the Vile Tribe… How are we supposed to?” Oh, let’s all go home, then! Subtle, Nash.
Back in Lyton, the villagers have already felt the loss of the Blue Dragon, since the Wind Spirit is apparently also a gossip monger. Without Laike hanging around to tell Alex what to do, it falls to the town elder to mention that the final dragon cave on his bucket list, that of the Black Dragon, is to the east. And next time, that will be his destination. Join me then as Alex and friends begin their rather meandering journey to the fourth and final dragon, starting with the introduction of Alex and Gams’s evil twins. Until then!