The girls, armed with one of the three uniforms, automatically teleport back to El Celsioso. If Laurel, Hardy, or the female goon had anything resembling intelligence, they might report the uniform theft to Lesbianc and from there it wouldn’t be too difficult to figure out the Gullwings’ clichéd stealthy plan. Fortunately for YRP, the entire syndicate assumes that they’ll just use the uniform for kinky lesbian roleplay sessions. Hell, anything has to be an improvement over Yuna’s pseudo-Tightass outfit.
Don’t get any ideas, Paine.
On the bridge, Rikku has already changed into the uniform and continues to run around like a spaz. No flips, unfortunately. Too bad she jumped the gun, since she’s going to have to change back into her regular “outfit” for the second trip to Djose Highroad. Hey, those Argent, Inc. attractions aren’t going to publicize themselves, you know. After getting everyone “pumped” over said attractions and getting the ladies “excited” over the basement-dwelling fanboy, Yuna does a quick round of Talk To Everyone. Which is, more accurately, “Talk To Everyone until I figure out that they’re all spouting the same lame information and then go hunt down Gippal in the temple because I’m totally shallow and I’m sick of looking at skinny, booby chicks.”
No comment.
Gippal has nothing exciting to say, nor is he taping a homemade porno with Baralai. So he’s not worth my time. Oh well, I guess I’ll check out the Moonflow. Ten years of random battles later, the girls reach the actual river, which continues to be the hideout of Pimp Daddy Tobli. That in itself would be bad enough, but the game designers decided to throw in one last schlong in the ass for me. There’s a young lady standing around staring creepily at Tobli. “Watching Tobli gives me this tingly feeling. Am I weird?” she confesses to Yuna. Jesus God, I think that goes beyond “weird.” Of course Yuna has nothing to say to this person, since she doesn’t exactly have room to talk. I think it’s safe to say that Tobli would be a better lay than Tightass — squeaky voice, bird beak, and all.
Me, too. In my pants.
Yuna moves on to talk to the hot stud himself — I’m referring to Tobli, not Tightass, just so we’re clear. It appears that he’s got a bug up his butt: “But the tickets aren’t selling! We’ll end up with an empty house! That’s like a full house with none of the people!” Recognizing that the Gullwings are giant suckers with nothing better to do, he begs them to sell tickets for him. And here I thought that whole thing with the whiny, ticket-selling Hypello had nothing to do with me. Boy, is my face red. Since I’m pretty much stuck doing this ticket sales crap in order to get the Almighty 100 Percent, it’s kind of nice that everyone just cuts right to the chase with no excess dialogue, whining, or buttkissing for a change. In a matter of seconds, Yuna, Rikku, and Paine agree to be Tobli’s bitches for this sequence.
Loading ...The “mission” in question is kind of like the Publicity and Marriage shit, but approximately five billion times less annoying. The girls get ten tickets to sell (shoot for the stars, Tobli) with ten tries, total. They can offer one price to each customer, anywhere from 200 gil to 2000 gil, with a base price of 500 gil. Certain people are willing to pay more than the base price (suckers) and some less (smart), but it’s impossible to know who’s who ahead of time with just the in-game information. This would all be a crapshoot if not for the strat guide which actually seems to be accurate. Take a moment to digest that. Yuna, Rikku, and Paine manage to rake in a profit of 11,500 gil, which — shock! — they get to freaking keep. What, Tobli isn’t going to collect his cut? He could buy his stalker girl something nice with that money. It’s not like I rejoice for long, since it’s all going down the metaphorical toilet of O’aka’s stupid shop debt.
Tobli jizzes himself over the successful ticket sales and even throws in a Muscle Belt for their trouble. How did he know it was Yuna’s dream to become a muscle model? Four-foot trophy, here she comes! Oh, and there’s another garment grid, like they need another one of those freaking things. Just before the Mission Complete screen rears its wanky head, Rikku squeals, “We’re really looking forward to the show!” Which is an interesting thing to say considering no one said what the show actually is. It could be a topless Hypello showgirl extravaganza for all they know. Or worse.
‘Well, except for sex with guys.’
No sense having nightmares about it, since we won’t know more about the show until much later. There are much more pressing nightmare-inducing situations at hand, such as the fact that Yuna’s next stop is Guadosalam. Man, I totally should have named that Guadosodom. Is it too late to do that? No? Well, there you have it then. I’ve got to mix things up a bit, keep them from getting stagnant.
Thankfully for my mental health, Yuna is still two uniforms away from breaking into Chateau Lesbianc and experiencing all the horrifying hijinks that entails. That doesn’t mean she can’t skulk around and ask completely suspicious questions of all the NPCs in the area. It’s not like Lesbianc and her band of Einsteins are going to catch on to their plans. Now I know why Guadosodom was listed as a hotspot on the map — the NPCs don’t have any qualms about telling Yuna exactly where to find all three uniforms. Sure, they don’t all come right out and say that, but I can read between the completely obvious lines.
According to one NPC, “Lately [Lesbianc]’s taken an interest in Ronso sacred ground.” It takes me a moment to realize that’s not a euphemism. So one of the remaining uniforms is on Mt. Gagazet, for those of you unable to decipher this cryptic dialogue. Another guy standing around picking his ass comments that Lesbianc is sand-spelunking for another random sphere. Have fun in Bikanel Desert, Kelly or Sam! I can pretty much skip past all the other NPC dialogue in the area now that I know all that.
But I don’t. See, I get a microscopic number of completion points from walking right up and flaunting Yuna’s boobies at the Chateau Lesbianc guards. Even so, they’re not about to let the girls in without their genius disguises. “But [Lesbianc] broke into our airship!” Yuna whines, continuing to shake her bosoms in the random goon’s face. He’s all, “Too bad, so sad.” Yuna shakes her head in defeat, looking completely disappointed and irritated. Wait, so they came up with that whole uniform-stealing plan because they knew they’d have to sneak into Lesbianc’s Love Nest and then they act all surprised and upset when — holy shit! — it turns out that they’ll have to sneak into Lesbianc’s Love Nest? I guess it’s just second nature for Yuna to expect people to lick sand off her boots even when she knows otherwise.
Since it involved Doppelwank, I’m kind of glad it wasn’t touchy subject matter.
I feel really accomplished now that I added that small percentage of completion points to my total. In fact, I may just be the best gamer ever. And that’s as good a segue as any into the next task in my Guadosodom visit. Way back when I first picked up that useless douche O’aka, you’ll recall that I mentioned pilfering gil from every single random battle in order to earn the money to pay off his lame debt. Some of you may have interpreted that as, “Wow, Jeanne can’t read and is clearly unable to find out this much better way of earning gil, so I will tell her right away!” Just to make you feel better, here is the way to earn 90,000 gil in one try. And I totally got all this information from the lovely people who told me about it and not from the strategy guide at all.
I may as well describe this process, because then I can complain about why I would rather use another method. I’ll give you time to pick up your shattered egos. The innkeeper has some bogus sphere data that he’s willing to sell to Yuna so that she, in turn, can sell it to another sucker for profit. The only problem is that he has already picked out this particular individual at random from among sixteen possible idiots, and the amount of profit varies by individual. So to get that wondrous 90,000 gil, the innkeeper has to randomly choose himself as the buyer. In case my description isn’t clear, here’s one word to sum up this process: reset.
As nice as it would be to earn that much gil in one go, I really don’t have the patience to continually reset until I get that one in sixteen chance of hitting the jackpot. After five or so tries, Yuna has to be content with a 30,000 profit. And the fact that she bilked a kid out of his hard-earned gil. At least I think it’s a kid. That warms my heart.
Sadly, our time in Guadosodom is at an end. I know, I know. And no one even got molested. I sure feel cheated. Seriously, though, I’m thrilled to move on to the Thunder Plains. Wait, is that a mind-scarring, soul-weeping mini-game for full completion I smell? Hell no, it’s not — it’s completely optional! That’s right — YRP can engage in a fun-filled button-pressing festival that somehow ends up calibrating the ten lightning towers in the area. I’m not sure how memory games and hitting the correct button combos relates to said calibration, but it’s not my fucking problem! Suck on your completely extraneous garment grid, random Al Bhed guy!
Unfortunately, there is some non-optional wank on the Thunder Plains. And this one also involves an Al Bhed: Cid. For some odd reason that may or may not be explained later, he’s just standing around the Thunder Plains all by himself, staring into space. If I saw one of my uncles doing that in some completely random place, I probably wouldn’t stick around to chat with him. But Yuna is dumb, so she does. She’s all, “Uh, what the fuck are you doing here?” “What, ya blind? Can’t ya see I’m trying to sulk?” he snits. Well, as whiny as he is, I have to give him credit. Nothing is more annoying than someone who’s all, “*SIGH* Nothing’s the matter. *SIGH* I’m just going to act like a mopey dipshit and make sure you give me lots of attention, but I’m not going to tell you what’s wrong. *SIGH*” At least he’s honest about his intentions. Still irritating, but honest.
Rikku isn’t about to put up with this kind of behavior from her dad. Oh, but it’s so fun when parents act totally immature! She stalks off, pissed, with Yuna and Paine following close behind. I’m pretty sure Paine doesn’t give two shits, and Rikku sure isn’t about to pander to Cid’s dipshittery, but of course Yuna has to be her usual bleeding heart self, fretting over what’s wrong with the guy. “It’s Zanarkand. He’s all bent out of shape ’cause you told him off,” Rikku points out to Yuna, resisting a DURR. And the obvious solution to his problems is to fly from Zanarkand to the Thunder Plains and stand around all bitchy. That makes sense! “That’s mature,” Paine comments sarcastically, bringing our required completion scene to a close.
I’d like to say that after the wankstfest with Cid that I move on to speak with a less annoying individual. But obviously I can’t — not in this game. The dickhole in question is none other than the pathetic deadbeat O’aka. Like I said, Yuna made the sacrifice of wearing even fewer clothes than usual — aka the Thief Dressphere — all over the freaking place just to pilfer the gil from every single fiend in Spira. This, along with the money she essentially stole from that kid in Guadosodom, is enough to pay off the remainder of O’aka’s debt. At the end of the transaction, O’aka is no longer in danger of becoming an Al Bhed sex slave and Yuna owns 99 of every kind of item in O’aka’s inventory. I’m sure that’ll be put to good use, especially once I get the Alchemist Dressphere! I don’t feel dumb and used at all!
I don’t like where this is going.
In addition to all these valuable items, Yuna receives two more rewards for being Spira’s biggest sucker. First and foremost, she gets to witness O’aka in full-blown O-face, rhapsodizing over returning to his lame shop. That will surely haunt my nightmares tonight. Second, O’aka feels the need to stick around for the time being, giving Yuna a major discount on all of the same items. And we are truly talking a serious, serious discount. I’m not being sarcastic. Sarcasm would be something like “Wow, what awesome timing for O’aka to offer such a great bargain on items I already have!” With all the tedious and aggravating shit I’ve had to — and will have to — endure to complete his asshattish storyline, he’d better be selling inflatable Auron and Baralai dolls by the end of the game. Fucker.
And with that final dick up the butt, that’s all she wrote for Part 8 of Yuna in Lesbian Land. I can’t say for sure what-all Kelly is going to cover next time, but it’s fair to say that it will involve mini-games, girl-on-girl action, and possibly even nonsensical wankery. I’m psychic. See you in Part 11!