In Wankese (when will it end?), Yuna exposits about Mount Gagazet. When the fayth disappeared, Yuna recalls, the clouds enshrouding the mountain began to thin and disperse…revealing long-forgotten ruins among its peaks. Conveniently unveiling a new dungeon to explore in a previously-established location! Those game designers sure do think of everything! El Celsioso rises through gray clouds as the occupants gasp in awe at the sight of these ruins. “Hey, the rocks are floating!” Yuna says because she’s stupid. Rikku, also being stupid, whines, “Don’t tell me we gotta climb up that thing!” Buddy manages to inform her that he can drop them off at the top, what with this airship and all, without slapping her upside the head.
‘Like Lulu’s boobs in the hot tub!’
A beat later, we see Paine, then Rikku, and then Yuna drop from the sky onto a narrow ledge. I would think Brother could have invested in a rope ladder or something. The first thing Yuna does is look down from their dizzying height. Then she falls off the ledge and dies and the game is over. Yay! Unfortunately, Rikku and Paine decide Yuna the Brave and Strong and Pure must LIVE, so they grab her arms before she can fall to her death. The two of them struggle to pull her back up, because neither one will grab her with both hands, or maybe because Yuna’s been eating too many Ding Dongs. Oh, how I wish I hadn’t said that. Brother chirps over the speakers, “What’s your status?” Rikku wails back, “Disasterrific!” Brother beats me to yelling at Rikku for this abuse of the language. “Say ‘disastrous’ like the rest of Spira!” I don’t know–Spira is full of mental giants like Shelinda and Barthello, who probably think “disasterrific” is a word. Brother continues to badger them, and Paine, fed up, asks Rikku, “Do you want me to hurt him?” Paine really likes the word “hurt.” I wouldn’t dare start a count for how many times she uses it, as it would be like counting the times Wakka says “ya?”
Finally, R and P manage to pull Y’s heavy ass back up to the ledge, with a cry of “Heave-HO!” That joke is way too easy. By this time, Brother has gone fully postal because no one’s answering him. Yuna lets him know everything is A-OK. “Yuna, keep an eye on Rikku!” he says sternly. This will be the last time in the entire game Brother expresses any concern for his sister. His brain starts to mush up with Yuna-love from here on out.
The next few scenes show that Yuna is a dope and can’t even do simple things on her own. She follows Rikku and Paine down the ledge, but is then greeted with a tutorial box, telling her to press the circle button to jump. Rikku and Paine wait on the other side for her, wondering if they’re going to have to teach her how to tie her shoelaces again. A similar text box informs me that Yuna can also climb if I press circle. A third “Yuna sure is stupid” scene shows Paine and Rikku jumping a ledge, but under the ledge rests a treasure chest. Yuna obeys a third text box and doesn’t jump, allowing her access to the loot, a Yellow Ring. After climbing back up and jumping across, Yuna joins her girlfriends. Rikku looks out over the mountain and moans. “We’re not getting across this way.” The camera pans out to show that they’re standing at the edge of a cliff. Paine figures they’ll find another way to go, which they do: down a staircase right next to where they’re currently standing. Might want to have that myopic vision looked at, Rikku.
Push the button, Frank.
Around a corner, they come to a dead end. Yuna sees a flashing button on the wall, correlating to a machina elevator, and impulsively pushes it before waiting for anyone else’s approval. I suppose that’s almost an improvement for her. Unfortunately, the machina is pretty damn old, and the elevator falls, sending them all screaming to the bottom. Paine screams like a man. Just thought I’d point that out. At the bottom, they’re all fine, but Yuna informs Brother that things are just “disasterrific.” Brother fails to correct Yuna and says he’s on his way to save the day, since he wants her sweet candy.
Yuna gets more practice at the whole jumping thing as she traverses five million ledges and small cliffs. Apparently in the two years since Sin ate it, Spirans have learned that their feet are actually allowed to lift up off the ground. After getting all the treasure to be had in the area, Yuna climbs back up the other side to a broken old pathway. It’s here that our girls meet an “old” acquaintance. As they’re running, they hear a crash and a woman’s voice. “Who’s there?” Yuna asks. Blondey McSkankybits walks onscreen and reminds them of her name. “Er, [Lesbianc]. Remember that name well, loves!” In this early stage of the game, Lesbianc is trying to sound British for some reason. It doesn’t suit her at all. Yuna refers to Lesbianc as “the thief” in a condescending tone, even though Thief!Rikku is standing right there. Bint.
“Whatever do you mean?” Lesbianc says innocently. “That’s what I hate about amateurs…” she adds in a long-suffering way. Rikku snots, “Maybe she’ll go away if we ignore her.” Lesbianc hears this perfectly well, as well she should, since Rikku doesn’t really trouble to keep her voice down. Lesbianc explains her previous complaint about amateurs: “They have no concept of what it takes to be a true sphere hunter!” Paine points out that Lesbianc is the amateur for following a bunch of amateurs. Except she says it in–guess what–a monotone. Lesbianc brushes off the burn, insisting that her presence at Gagazet is just a coincidence. Laurel and Hardy choose this moment to walk up behind their boss and celebrate how smart they were to follow the Gullwings. Whoops. Rikku giggles, making obvious her VA’s other job as Bubbles the Powerpuff Girl. Hey, maybe they’re all like the Powerpuff Girls. Except Yuna would be Blossom, and Blossom is supposed to be smart.
Paine? k.d. lang called. She wants her outfit back.
“Laugh while you can!” Lesbianc shouts, not at all amused. The three of them try to look cool as we enter another battle. This fight is pretty much a repeat of the battles YRP had against them in Luca, except I try changing all three girls into new outfits. And you know something? Once I see Songstress!Paine, a.k.a. k.d. paine, looking for all the world like a lesbian Elvis impersonator with a camel toe, I start to wish that the game designers had been even lazier with their character models and made all the Songstresses look like Britney Spira. SHUDDER.
Eventually I’ve milked Lesbianc, Laurel and Hardy for all the items and ability points they’re worth, and Warrior!Paine takes them out. (I kept her in the k.d. paine outfit for one round. That was all I could stomach. Let us never speak of it again.) Lesbianc and her goons run for it under cover of a smoke bomb. “She’s getting hurt,” Paine threatens, though it’s already starting to lose its meaning. By the time our heroines recover, their adversaries are already on their way to the top of the mountain where the sphere awaits. The Mission Time! screen comes up, telling me that YRP must beat the Lesbianc Syndicate to the sphere. As the timer at the top of the screen indicates, I have six minutes to do this. Thankfully, the timer doesn’t run during battle or while I have the menu screen up, or this would be a pain in the ass. After all, I have to micromanage the crap out of my abilities and dresspheres after every battle!
Following the path up the mountain–with slight detours along the way for more treasure–the girls first meet Laurel, who sics some goons and mechanical penises snakes on them. Rikku screams, “SNAAAAAKE!!!” at the sight of their foes, and believe me, I can relate. In the corridor of a small temple in the middle, the girls can hear Lesbianc screaming at her flunkies, and the flunkies simpering apologetically. Near the center pillar before the dome at the top, they run into Hardy, who has a treat for them similar to Laurel’s. Instead of doing his “Bwahaha”-ing some more, he says, “Let’s show the ladies a nice warm welcome!” This, too, sounds forced. Does it hurt to be that annoying? Because he’s hurting me. Following the battle against Hardy’s goons, there’s a shot of the Lesbianc Syndicate racing up the spire, and then a shot of the dome at the top vanishing for some never-explained reason.
After a whole lot more climbing and jumping and such, just to make sure I have the hang of pressing the circle button, the clock disappears with around two minutes left, indicating the girls have beat Lesbianc to the top. Climbing a little further, they can see Lesbianc, Laurel and Hardy hanging from a ledge with a treasure chest on it. “Would–Would you stop staring?” Lesbianc pleads in a sing-song voice. I don’t know if she means Yuna and Co. or the guys hanging from her bare legs, because all five of them are probably checking out her ass. Yuna climbs the final ledges and opens the treasure chest a mere inch or two from Lesbianc’s fingers, finding a Muscle Belt inside. That goes straight onto Paine, since…well, she’s not a pipecleaner-armed little wimp. Ignoring Lesbianc entirely, the girls continue into the not!dome.
Inside, the girls slowly look up and see a giant spider eyeing them beadily. “It figures we’d run into something like this,” Rikku murmurs in terror, like they’re not going to give it a massive beatdown. And they do indeed. YRP has no trouble whatsoever with the spider, which for some reason is named Boris. Jeez, their bartender doesn’t even have a name, but the big spider that dies in three turns does? I call Hypello prejudice on the Gullwings!
I know I’m twelve. Leave me alone.
Once Boris has been disposed of, the girls run through a door behind him into a sparkly room containing the sphere. Lesbianc limps in behind them, takes one look at the sphere and scoffs. “It’s obvious to the trained eye,” she snits. “That sphere’s just a dud.” Happy to leave this crappy sphere to the “Dullwings,” heh, Lesbianc and her goons exit. Rikku celebrates in her usual spastic manner. “Hee hee! Youth wins again!” Because Lesbianc is practically a fucking mummy. Shut up, Rikku.
Yuna turns to face the sphere. “Well, I guess we’ll be taking this!” she says, a myriad of bizarre (but OMG SO REALISTIK!!!) expressions deforming her mouth. She jumps up in the air, the sphere held up in her hand. Her boobs bounce a little. Mission Complete!
Back outside, Rikku gives Brother the good news. Over the speakers, Buddy says, “Brother? He’s not with you?” This would be an Oh Shit moment, except no one cares about Brother, the poor psychotic bastard.
El Celsioso, bridge. Brother is lying on his back in the middle of the floor, while Buddy explains how he stupidly jumped ship the second he heard Yuna say the word “disasterrific.” Rikku, ever a shining beacon of sensitivity, says, “He’s alive, right? Just leave him there.” Paine completely ignores Brother and asks Shinra to analyze the sphere, leaving Yuna to be the one to give a crap about the half-dead guy on the floor. Of course, she does, fitting comfortably back into her role of sympathetic ninny. Brother’s moaning and groaning in “pain,” until Yuna talks to him. Then he tries to be all nonchalant like he’s just fine. “A leader must be tough,” he says, all while trying to get his hands on Yuna’s C-cups. Rikku comes out of nowhere and kicks him in the nads. Of course, after that, he’s groaning more than ever.
Not everything can be lesbian porn, Rikku.
Shinra informs the girls that he’s finished analyzing the sphere. Yuna chooses to watch it, and immediately we can see a city skyline full of lit up techno-style buildings. Obviously, this would be ancient Zanarkand. The camera pans for ten million years before the scene changes to the main road in front of the Blitzball stadium, where Auron and Tightass fought Sinspawn. A wavery British voice says excitedly, “I can’t believe I actually got a ticket!” And then, “What a thrill, to be able to shake her hand like that!” The voice very, very clearly belongs to one Exposition!Man. Which tells us something we all should already know: E!M is really fucking old. It has other connotations, actually, but I don’t need emails about what a MEEN spoiler-person I am.
Loading ...Yuna, Rikku and Paine finish watching the sphere, Paine’s face twitching with boredom. Even though it was less than interesting, Shinra says, it can still be used as a dressphere, a Black Mage dressphere, to be precise. I wonder why Lesbianc thought the sphere was a dud. It’s useful and it had a lame little movie on it. What else are spheres supposed to do, program your VCR?
Alarms sound on the bridge almost immediately, and once Brother finally pulls himself up from the floor, Buddy informs them he’s got two sphere signals–one from Besaid, one from Zanarkand. “So, where to?” Rikku asks Yuna.
Before I can get sucked into another dumbass mission with the Dullwings, I’m going to end the recap. Next time, Jeanne will be your host as Yuna makes her return to Besaid, reunites with “Fat” Wakka and “Pregnant” Lulu, and hears the entire populace of the island tell her how much she’s “changed.” I’ll need plenty of time to re-stock my bar before I recap this unholy mess again, but I’ll be back for part four!