Squally feels his heart leap into his throat at the sight of his sexy knight…alive! All the dark thoughts and feelings he’s harbored since he first found out about Seifer’s fate vanish in an instant, as his heart fills with rainbows and happy rays of light. Oh joy, oh rapture! Finally, he can live again!

Suddenly the FMV and regular gameplay mix! As the parade continues onward, Irvine runs around the side, bent over in order to remain inconspicuous, and crosses the street behind the parade. I’m sure that bending over will ensure that no one notices him at all, particularly since he’s right in the field of view of dozens of people. Who thought up this plan again? Meanwhile, I have control of Squally, and as I have his best interests at heart, I attempt to follow the parade float so that he can reunite with Seifer. Nothing happens, unfortunately. God damn it. The camera follows Irvine across the street and through the gates while Squally ends up offscreen.

But alas, the game has thwarted me once again, for as we change screens, Squally is there with Irvine. They’re in that back alley with the stupid truck and the stupid boxes. Well, shit. Of course that makes me wonder how Rinhoa even managed to get back there, if it required going through the gates. The gates which are usually closed and guarded, according to Caraway. And if Rinhoa has the magical ability to enter the president’s house without being noticed, then why in the bloody fuck did she not try to confront him that way instead of organizing that imbecilic train mission earlier? I think the game designers put more effort into taking a dump than they do into creating the plot for their latest bestselling game.

Since we’re back to this crated hell and I now have characters that are more useful than a dead rodent, I may as well explore the sewers to see if anyone left a semi-important item down there. Irvine reminds Squally that this side trip has nothing to do with their mission. Well, neither does saving Rinhoa. Shut up, Irvine. Indeed, down in the stenchy depths, they find an errant copy of Weapons Monthly, which is likely full of items I’ll never be able to find.

When I return to the surface, guess what I get to do? Seriously, guess. This is really fucking amazing, and I feel honored that the game designers are allowing me a second opportunity to experience this pinnacle of gaming history. Yup, I have to fucking climb up the God damn motherfucking shitsucking boxes again. And I am happy about this. So happy that I think I’ll strangle myself with the controller cord and perhaps stab myself for extra joy.

The only consolation I have here is that Squally climbs roughly one hundred times faster than Rinhoa. Which is kind of strange, because in general, Squally doesn’t have much experience with boxes, if you follow me. At least it’s kind of amusing to watch Squally check out Irvine as he follows him up the pile. They repeat the exact same journey up to the roof of the president’s house — or, as it is now, the sorceress’s hangout.

Near the podium, Squally pauses to examine the body of Vinzer Deling. Not in the same way as he would examine Seifer’s body (I hope). I just wanted to see if the game designers programmed any interesting text for Squally upon this discovery. Since no one has had the slightest reaction to the death of their dictator, it’s not too much of a shock that Squally doesn’t say anything either. The time saved by not putting any dialogue in will undoubtedly go toward more Rinhoa FMVs. Hooray.

Speaking of superfluous Rinhoa stuff, in an effort to avoid dealing with her as long as humanly possible, Squally steps forward to the podium where the throng of screaming fans stand directly in front of the residence gates. It’s the same exact view as we got when Edea stood here, but in the meantime, a parade float passed through where they are now standing. I guess they couldn’t wait to return to their exact positions. Also, you’d think that doing something as noticeable as standing at the podium might be a bit counterproductive to their mission. But no, Squally could strip naked and get a blowjob from Irvine and these dorkwads wouldn’t even react.

I finally head inside, where I end up in the hallway with the “secret” hatch that we saw during Caraway’s earlier explanation. Since this is where Squally and Irvine are supposed to wait until 20:00, the gunblade master himself decides to go down there. Come on, he’d much rather be in a dark, enclosed space with a sexy effeminate cowboy than to save Rinhoa’s life. I’m keeping him in character. But when Squally tries to wrap his hands around the long, hard sniper rifle, Irvine reminds him that “[their] priority is to save Rinhoa.” No it’s fucking not. It’s not at all.

The stupid game won’t let me progress until I go save Rinhoa, so with a put-upon sigh, I return to the hallway and walk slowly toward the sorceress’s room. Now, it’s been at least ten minutes since the Iguions attacked Rinhoa. In a contest between two mutant creatures created for the sole purpose of killing and a dumb helpless girl, it seems that the outcome would be a no-brainer. However, the Iguions apparently have a hobby unbeknownst to the sorceress who intended to use them as murder weapons. And that hobby is standing around with their thumbs up their butts. When Squally and Irvine find Rinhoa in the sorceress’s room, she’s lying in a helpless heap on the floor with the Iguions standing a few feet away, looking vaguely menacing. Christ, Rinhoa could have just walked away. And she couldn’t even manage to do that.

“Rinhoa!!!” Squally screams, like he’s about to rip her head off. The game designers probably want us to think he’s concerned, but without voice acting I can pretty much interpret it however I want. So neener neener. It’s time for our second or third boss battle of the recap, depending on whether or not you consider Sacred a boss battle (according to the music, it isn’t). While Squally and Irvine face off against the non-menacing duo, Irvine takes the time to explain his complicated Limit Break. Great timing there. He doesn’t get a chance to use it in this battle, though. After drawing the new GF Carbuncle off of these two freaks, it only takes a couple of hits from the current GFs to waste them.

With the confirmation of the Iguions’ suckitude, it becomes even sadder that Rinhoa couldn’t manage to hold her own against them. After the battle, Squally runs over to her and crouches down, desperately hoping that Rinhoa’s dead enough to release him from his contract. Instead of this happy result, he gets a face full of whining. “I was scared…” Rinhoa whimpers, still face down on the floor. That’s all Squally needs to hear. He gets up to walk away, his heart and hopes sinking. Before he can escape, Rinhoa rises to her knees and latches onto his arm like a leech. “…Really scared,” she tries again. “It’s over now,” Squally says, attempting to dislodge this yucky girl from his fabulous leather jacket. He’ll lose his gay street cred if anyone sees this.

Rinhoa keeps grasping his arm pathetically, repeating over and over just how scaaaaaared she was of those mean monsters that just stood there looking at her. Squally looks like he’d rather have sex with all the vaginas in the world than to be here. “You’re used to battles, aren’t you?” he wonders flatly, hip to her attempts to trick him into feeling sorry for her. “I couldn’t…I just couldn’t,” Rinhoa drama queens. “I couldn’t fight alone…” Jesus Christ on a corn chip, this makes me want to heave. “(…You’re not ready for all this),” Squally thinks with contempt, somehow managing to stifle his debilitating nausea.

He tries to get on with the mission, but as soon as he starts to walk away, Rinhoa once again clamps onto him like a head crab. “I haven’t forgotten your order,” Squally sighs with his entire body. Finally, he gives in, just so he can get on with that whole thing that he’s freaking there to do. You remember — the mission. “Just stay close to me,” he chokes out. Rinhoa eventually lets go of him, and Irvine pops into the frame. This is because he’s back in the onscreen party, but it actually looks like he and Squally are making out. Even if they were, Rinhoa still wouldn’t catch the hint.

I return to the previous screen with the secret hatch. This time, Squally’s allowed to handle the sniper rifle, which he immediately hands over to Irvine. “Irvine Kinneas, it’s in your hands now,” Squally says, wishing that weren’t the only long, hard object in Irvine’s hands. Turned on, Irvine takes it and retreats to the other side of the clock platform. He sinks down with the rifle between his legs. Then the camera cuts away because this isn’t an M-rated game, unfortunately. Squally watches Irvine leave with a mixture of dismay and panic. Now he’s left alone with that clingy hag!

Squally decides that Irvine wants to be alone to “concentrate.” “(Loneliness of the sharpshooter… I guess he has a point.)” Squally thinks, wishing he could make Irvine a little less lonely. But maybe some other time when there aren’t any gross girls around. But if he gets his Seifer back, then he won’t have time to mess around with other guys at all. It’ll be worth it, though. Seifer’s a million times better than any old gay cowboy.

Squally sits on one of the mini-pedestals, as far from Rinhoa as he can get while still allowing Irvine his privacy. He briefly thinks about the parade, but his thoughts soon turn to Seifer. Unable to keep his joy bottled inside, he announces to Rinhoa that he saw Seifer on the float. Rinhoa wonders what it means that Seifer was on the sorceress’s float. I think it means that he’s an anti-sorceress militant. What do you think, dumbass? Suddenly, Squally realizes that if Irvine fucks up and he has to face the sorceress one-on-one, he might have to fight his precious Seifer as well. At that point, this day goes back to sucking a lot of ass, and not in the way that Squally would like it to.

“I may end up killing Seifer,” Squally announces, struggling to keep the pain out of his voice. He keeps trying to tell himself that he’s a SeeD, and he’s just doing what he’s been ordered to do, but it’s just so hard. Rinhoa sits there, lifting her legs up and down in what she thinks is a seductive manner. She bends down so that Squally can see down her top. “You’re both…prepared, right?” Rinhoa wonders. For a moment, Squally thinks that Rinhoa finally gets it. At last! But then, as she continues, he realizes that she’s talking about being prepared to kill or be killed. Damn it!

Rinhoa hopes that Squally doesn’t have to kill Seifer. Squally mentally emits a string of ellipses, becoming a little jealous at Rinhoa’s soft spot for his man. The whore. “It’s all up to Irvine,” Squally announces. He’s had it up to here with Rinhoa’s bitchwitchery, so even though Irvine wanted some time alone, Squally decides to interrupt him. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. Crouching down next to the sharpshooter, Squally notices that Irvine is shaking. But his hands are both above his waist. That’s odd. “Don’t tell me you’re getting the jitters…” Squally winks, wondering if he should do something to relax Irvine, Rinhoa’s presence or no. “I…I can’t do it,” Irvine squeaks. Squally facepalms, shaking his head.

That little “cliffhanger” is our cue to switch to the gateway team and their current crisis. Like I alluded to before, I have to navigate a series of screens, of which there are about three different types. Periodically, a barred fence blocks the way. Some of these can be opened while some are locked. It’s really fun to navigate to one of them only to find it’s a dead end. At various points, the party must also ride water wheels to reach areas which are otherwise impossible to access. To add to the exciting nature of this dungeon crawl, I get to fight random battles that last just long enough to make me forget where I was going. To put it a shorter way, now that it’s too late for you to skip the previous part of this paragraph, this is more of a Xenogears-style sewer than the much kinder Final Fantasy VII or Skies of Arcadia variety. But navigating an obnoxious labyrinth and fighting ten Jesuszillion battles is infinitely preferable to saving Rinhoa. See, I can look on the bright side.

The gateway team’s chances of reaching the gateway anywhere near 20:00 are about equivalent to Zelda’s chances of banging Link. Especially considering that this sewer could lead to the Tomb of the Unknown and Verbose King, for all they know. Imagine everyone’s surprise when instead of finding themselves in Bumfuck Egypt, they end up at a ladder that leads directly into the gateway itself. What a very convenient and coincidental occurrence. I must admit that this particular jaunt through the Deling City sewers was nowhere near as difficult as past attempts, even though I do end up back at the stairway to Caraway’s house once. I am going to feel proud of this accomplishment, especially since the strategy guide’s map is as indecipherable as a novel written in Wankese, so I had to muddle through this maze on my own.

Speaking of lucky chance, the team arrives in the gateway control room at the exact moment the parade float passes under the gateway. What are the chances? There’s a nifty transition as the camera follows Zell’s gaze out the window and ends up at the giant digital clock that is just hitting 20:00. We return to Squall and Irvine as the clock hatch opens, and they ride the large cylindrical object up into the sky. The gay holographic jugglers and giant rabbits appear, segueing into another FMV with the gay dancers. Oh, to be a fly on the wall at those motion capture sessions. Comedy freaking gold. Speaking of which, the dancers do a move where they put their hands on their spread knees and move their upper bodies around in a circle. It’s pretty fucking hilarious. It kind of makes me wonder what the story is with the choreographer, and how he and Edea discussed this special parade show. Did she specify “Gay, with a hint of evil”? Or perhaps, “Heavy on the homosexuality, but light on the jazz hands”? Who designed the costumes? How did the rehearsals go? See, they never put the interesting stuff in these games, unless you find it interesting when everyone stands in line to kiss Rinhoa’s ass.