Final Fantasy VIII
Part 1
"The most phallic weapon ever"
The illustrious beginning, where we are introduced to our gay male leads, Squall and Seifer, and more importantly, the gunblade. Pressing the trigger at the right time makes the controller vibrate.
Part 2
"Obey the captain’s orders."
Squally is giddy with glee — although he hides it well — when it turns out that Seifer is his captain for the SeeD field exam. How many gunblade references and moments of sexual tension can there be in one hour of gameplay? Read and find out!
Part 3
"Hi. It says in the script that I’m your love interest."
Poor Squally. He just wants to get it on with Seifer, but manages to get stalked by every single other character in the game. Is it because he just became a SeeD, or is it because every woman in the game is completely oblivious to the fact that Squally is gay? No means no, ladies.
Part 4
"Dream a fucked up dream."
Squally and friends have the most sensical dream ever found in a Final Fantasy game, which still isn’t saying much. They also get the most annoying and obnoxious mission tutorial ever, most of which is worthless information. And Seifer doesn’t even make an appearance. Thanks a lot, game designers.
Part 5
"The worst-laid plans."
Squally gets his first inklings of just how moronic Rinhoa is when every one of her stupid plans goes awry. He and his companions spend the recap looking for the TV station, and Squally ends up finding so much more. I’m referring to Seifer, of course. Also, Rinhoa is stupid.
Part 6
"The death of true love and buttsex."
After yet another pointless Laguna dream, Squally and the others reach Galbadia Garden just in time to receive the worst possible news: Seifer is dead. Well, we know he’s not dead, but poor Squally is beside himself with grief. If that weren’t bad enough, an even girlier guy than Squally joins the party. It’s a sad, sad day.
Part 7
"I Hate Rinoa, Part 1"
The team completes the lame as shit fetch quest so that General Caraway will finally deign to meet with them, the people chosen for his damn mission. We find out that Caraway is Rinoa’s dad, the poor guy. After an extremely in-depth explanation of this rather half-assed mission, it becomes clear that they really don’t teach any skills back at Garden.
Part 8
"I Hate Rinoa, Part 2"
In the second part of this double recap, the sorceress assassination mission continues to go horribly wrong. However, one good thing happens, and that’s the return of Seifer. But he’s gone totally bad by now. Will Squall have to fight his feelings, or will he, too, go to the dark side in order to get his fix of hot, steamy buttsex? We don’t really find that out in this recap, because it’s more focused on Rinhoa. Fucking yay.
Part 9
"Is Seifer gonna have to shock a bitch?"
Whereas our last visit with the SeeDs and beard was somewhat eventful, the game now takes a turn into the exact opposite. And to add insult to injury, it’s a Laguna dream sequence. After we have all been bored to tears, we rejoin our main characters in prison. And what prison scene would be complete without some gay buttsex? Well, this one, apparently. Not that the game designers aren’t horrible, horrible teases first. Fuckers.
Part 10
"Running around inside a giant wang."
After an entire recap of way too much fucking around — or not enough fucking around, if we’re referring to the Prison Sex Scene that Wasn’t — we finally get to do a good, old-fashioned prison escape. Wow, I sure made that sound like a positive experience. Well, I suppose it could be, if you like monotonous dungeon design, random battles, and endless backtracking. And there’s still no buttsex.
Part 11
"Stupid soldiers, suspicious spies, and a surplus of schlongs."
Squally manages to get rid of the female characters for the time being. Unfortunately, that means I have to deal with them as they infiltrate the Galbadian missile base and try to save Garden from imminent destruction. It’s a hell of a lot less exciting than it sounds, especially with the disappointing lack of Squally/Seifer innuendo. But hey, there are lots of penisy objects to giggle at, so it’s not a total waste of time.