The princess’ room is easily the largest in the entire train, causing me to wonder if those sweaty young mens all sleep in the other room together. Squally would obviously be more comfortable there. The princess, who is wearing a long blue cape thingy and biker shorts, is sleeping on the bed. Yes, it’s the girl from the opening FMV. And also from the party. In case we didn’t get that, she even says, “Hey…You’re…! You know, from the party…” In case we didn’t get that she’s the love interest, we hear a romantic MIDI in the background. The title is something like, “Hey, the Script Says He Wants Her, So He Wants Her. Wait, He’s Gay? Shit.” Our friend Toothpick Legs is also a rocket scientist. “So…does that mean…You’re a SeeD!?” No, it means he’s a fucking mime. When Squally tells her that he and two others from SeeD are there, Toothpick Legs goes flying at him, glomping him like a fangirl spotting an Auron cosplayer. Squally pushes her away roughly, clearly offended and nauseated. He tells her, “Take it easy.” No kidding. “It’s just that, I’m so happy!” she gushes. You’re not going to be so happy when you find out your intended boyfriend is gay.

What a freak.

Toothpick Legs goes on about how she’s so glad she talked to Cid personally because he had thus far been ignoring her requests for assistance. I would, too. Squally asks if that was whom she was talking to at the party. TL shakes her head. “You know Seifer?” she inquires. Instantly Squally becomes jealous. “…Yeah,” he says nonchalantly, hoping his raging pheromones aren’t showing. “Well, he’s the one who introduced me to Cid,” TL explains. Squally wonders if he should claw her eyes out now or later. She tells about how she didn’t expect assistance, but Cid agreed right away. I would agree to anything as long as she would leave, too. “Now that you guys are here, we’ll be able to carry out all kinds of plans!” TL twitters. I bet Squally is really excited about her “plans”.

Squally decides to leave the room and TL, of course, follows him. “Umm, Squally. Is ‘he’ here?” she wonders. For some unknown reason, Squally seems confused as to whom TL is referring. Duh, it’s Seifer. “……No, he’s not a SeeD,” Squally says with a mixture of sadness and snippiness. TL starts to leave the room, but then comes back to tell Squally her name. The default is, of course, Rinoa, but since she’s a dumb ho, I name her “Rinhoa”. She shakes Squally’s hand, and that’s a big deal! Because he doesn’t shake hands, remember? But he shook her hand! Get it? They’re going to end up together! GET IT?!?! God.

“SeeD members dance quite well, don’t they?” Rinhoa tries to flirt. Squally shoots her down in one try. “Approach your target inconspicuously at a dance party…There may be missions requiring this sort of subterfuge. It’s expected of SeeD to learn various skills.” Yup, plus he’s gay. Rinhoa is disappointed that their dance was “work related,” but she really needs to get used to it. A brown dog wanders in. I have a figurine of said dog, but for some reason it’s clear. I don’t know why I mentioned that; it just amuses me. Rinhoa introduces Squally to her dog, which I immediately name “Killer,” because I think that name is funny. Then Rinhoa gives us all a tutorial on how to learn different tricks for Killer using Pet Pals magazines. This is Rinhoa’s limit break. She’s so useless, she can’t even perform her own moves.

Rinhoa tells Killer to be good, and then goes off to meet up with the others. Killer starts whining like a pansy. Squally immediately leaves, annoyed. The others are still in the exact positions they were in when Squally left. Great work, game designers. Squally introduces Rinhoa to Selphie and Zell, but she doesn’t shake their hands. Because she’s in love with Squally. Get it? The six of them enter the nearby strategery room, where PG tells them to just stand wherever. This is our first sign that the Forest Owls aren’t exactly the most organized resistance group on the planet. The Big Bad Mission music starts up again, and PG explains that they have a top secret mission planned. “It all started when we got a hold of top-secret info from Galbadia,” PG puts on his Expostion Maternity Shirt. “I got the info, sir!” Marty pipes up. PG explains — as Marty keeps chiming in with inane bullshit — that Vinzer Deling, the evil president of Galbadia, is coming to Timber. “Our plan is to…” PG begins. “…Blow it to smithereens with a rocket launcher!?” Selphie spazzes. PG and Marty are taken aback. Apparently their plan is a little less…lethal. Zell tells them to just explain the plan already. I agree.

Rinhoa directs their attention to an extremely accurate model of two parallel train tracks. A train with two cars is on the right-hand track, and a train with four cars is on the left-hand track. This is going to be so fun to explain, I can barely handle it. The second car on the right-hand track is the base that everyone is currently in. The car in front of it is the “dummy car” which looks exactly like President Deling’s train car. Except that it’s blue and not red, like the president’s train car (the third car) in the left-hand train. That train has the cars in the following order: locomotive, 1st escort, president’s car, 2nd escort. The operation starts when they get on the 2nd escort car. The names of the cars are all color-coded in case we’re all extra stupid and can’t understand the names just by them being located right next to the corresponding cars. The goal of the mission is to switch the president’s car with the dummy car. They will accomplish this using two switchpoints. Are you confused yet? Me too. Luckily, Rinhoa explains everything in seven easy steps.

Step one: we can have lots of fun. Wait, that’s not it. Step one is “Sneak on board the 2nd escort” by jumping from the dummy car. Step two is to walk across the top of the 2nd escort, avoiding the sensors. Well, shit. Step three: walk across the roof of the president’s car. Step four: uncouple the 1st escort from the president’s car. This splits the president’s train in half. The split occurs right at the switchpoint, allowing Rinhoa’s car to slide in. I won’t even get into the logistics of the second half of the train attaching itself to the end of Rinhoa’s train. I asked John if that would be physically possible, but he said that unless the first half of the train slowed down, it wouldn’t work. So essentially, this whole plan is probably bullshit. But then, so are magic and gunblades. Therefore, I won’t nitpick too badly. For once. Anyway, step five is for Rinhoa’s train to move into the gap, like I said. Step six is to uncouple the 2nd escort from the president’s car….oh screw this. Step six and seven allow Rinhoa’s base car to leave with the president’s car, allowing the 2nd escort car to mysteriously hook up with the dummy car. I could have skipped this whole last paragraph, but I didn’t, so there.

All unnecessary.

The seven aforementioned steps again appear on the screen for us dumbasses, as Rinhoa explains that they have five minutes to do the whole mission. All sorts of bad things will happen if it’s not done before then, like death and destruction. Then, Marty gives an extremely detailed explanation on how to avoid the sensors on the 2nd escort car. Gee, I sure hope I get to use those instructions after spending all that time reading them. Rinhoa gives another long explanation, including a pratice session, on uncoupling the cars using codes which amazingly correspond to the buttons on a PlayStation controller. Lucky Squally gets to slide down on a cable and enter the codes, each of which he has five seconds to enter correctly. These have to be the most inane, tedious instructions ever found in a game, and yes, I am including the first part of Kingdom Hearts. Good lord.

After the ungodly tutorial, Selphie asks why the president’s car in the model looks so shitty. “Yeah, Rinhoa made it. That’s why. We bought everything else at the gift store,” Marty helpfully explains. “Oh…” Zell replies, “I thought some kid made it. The paint job sucks, too.” Of course you can’t tell this by the level of the graphics. Still, I really enjoy that everyone is ragging on Rinhoa. “(……? Yeah…It kind of does.)” Squally thinks angrily about the woman who may or may not be involved with his man. Rinhoa bullshits that she made it crappy on purpose because of how much she hates Vinzer Deling. Zell isn’t fooled, but Selphie plays along. “It’s one of the…ugliest things that I’ve ever seen in my life. You must really hate him.” Rinhoa is upset and cuts the meeting short. Then, I have the option to listen to the entire explanation again. I quickly choose the other option.

Rinhoa tells everyone to decide the party. Marty is out, as he’s more into spying than doing any actual mission stuff. Pregnant Guy goes into labor again. Rinhoa is peeved. That leaves the SeeDs, like that’s any huge surprise. Rinhoa tells Squally to talk to Marty when he’s ready. Squally instead goes over and reads some “Anarchist Monthly” clippings on the bulletin board. They give a bunch of information about what a bastard President Deling is and how everyone hates him. Really?

Squally tells Marty he’s ready (no, not like that), and then it’s time for our Super Duper Special Mission. Rinhoa is already on the top of the dummy car, and Squally, Zell, and Selphie run toward her, all bent over. I know Squally must be used to that position. The five-minute timer starts as they reach the president’s train and jump on the 2nd escort car. As you’ll recall, the 2nd escort car is the one equipped with all the sensors. Well, Zell, Selphie, and Rinhoa somehow magically start out on the other side before I even get control of Squally. Why is he always so frigging slow? Lo and behold, the sensors are broken, meaning that all Squally has to do is walk over the top of the car. Therefore, all that obnoxious explanation was wasted. Thanks, game designers.

Next, they all run across the roof of the president’s car. We cut inside to a random soldier checking on President Deling. We find out once again that Deling is a prick. No, seriously. We get it. Cut back to Squally and company. Squally has to enter the codes to uncouple the 1st escort from the president’s car, and Zell and Selphie watch for the guards, because of course it can’t just be one level of tedious. Squally lowers down and enters all the codes. Then we see a nifty FMV of the cars uncoupling and the trains sliding in and joining together. How come I keep writing sentences that sound wrong? Now it’s time to check back with the random soldier in the president’s car. This time, he goes to check on the president, and ends up in the dummy car. Even the dummy president is a prick. He orders the soldier and a random officer who just entered to get out of the car. The officer wonders if he’s in the right train because this one looks “shabbier”. I guess he didn’t notice the bumping and the noise of the trains uncoupling and joining back together. But of course this plan is supposed to go smoothly, so the officer doesn’t think too hard about it. He and the random soldier exit.

Now Rinhoa and Squally are on the 2nd escort. As Rinhoa explains, Zell and Selphie can’t keep a lookout because they’re off uncoupling the base from the dummy car. So Squally has to watch for the spastic guards by himself. After he enters the codes, the mission is officially over, thank God. All the cars slide into place, and Rinhoa’s train runs off into the sunset with the president’s car. Well, it’s not really sunset, but it sounded sort of cool.

Back in the base car, Squally finds out that his SeeD rank went up by one. He looks pissed, although PG and Marty are gushing over how well the mission went. “Well then…” Rinhoa says, and her two cohorts use the same excuses as earlier to get out of the confrontation with the president. That leaves Rinhoa, who tells the SeeDs that she’s ready to start “serious negotiations” with the president whenever they are. I’m sure they’ll be really successful.

That’s it for this recap. Will Squally ever meet up with his man again? Or will he find out that his man has been screwing around on him? Well, not on him…you know what I mean.